A Certain Kind of Memory

After it's all said and done, the hero is, in truth, a selfish bastard.

Harry Potter, March, 2006.

"Harry?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think that you can reach the lube from where you are? You are rubbing in just the right place and I really don't want to move."

"Huh?"

"Besides, you need to wake up a bit before you bury that thing in me and fuck me properly," Draco purred, and punctuated it with some deliberate wriggling of his arse, so that Harry felt the frisson right to his toes.

"Ah...right," Harry said, finally gathering his senses, which were hovering around his groin and demanding entrance in no uncertain terms. Bleary eyed, he reached over to the bedside table and dug his fingers in the pot they'd left open last night.

"Don't worry about prep, just lube up and fuck me, please," Draco insisted, a hint of desperation in his voice.

Harry was only too happy to oblige and he pulled away while he covered himself with the lube. "You still loose from last night? Not too sore?" Harry asked, his sleep filled voice still hoarse.

"No, I'm fine, but I might be loose for a week after that pounding," Draco said, and Harry could hear the smirk in his voice. Or would be able to had he been perceptive enough but all his attention was focused on nudging himself back between Draco's cheeks again. He was hot and welcoming and Harry felt Draco pressing back into him, could feel the light vibrations of Draco's chest as he moaned softly.

Harry held Draco's hip steady while he pushed himself past the still tight - no matter what Draco said - muscle, and eased inside. It didn't matter how many times they did this, it still felt unreal to Harry. Oh, it was totally natural and unforced and he felt no lingering sense of withholding anything from Draco but, as his hand slid up to rest possessively across Draco's chest, Harry still marveled at how this had all come about.

He was awake enough now to press all the way into Draco, taking his time to

languorously fuck his boyfriend, enjoying the tortuous slide of hard, sensitive flesh through the snug heat, each thrust making him tremble.

The hairs on the back of Draco's neck tickled Harry's nose when he kissed there and it made Harry smile and nibble on the damp skin, elated when Draco keened, arched his back and increased the force with which he pushed back onto Harry.

"God, Harry..." Draco breathed, snapping out of his indolent mood and moving his hips, begging for it harder and faster.

"Hang on," Harry warned, before changing his angle slightly to get better depth and then thrusting into him as hard as their positions would allow. In response, one of Draco's hands rose and wrapped itself around Harry's neck and he hung on while Harry continued driving forward into him. Accompanying grunts and gasps melted away in the early morning gloom and Harry could feel that Draco's free hand had taken hold of himself and he was stroking in time with Harry's thrusting.

For a moment it became frenzied, Harry barely managing to maintain a coherent thought, then he buried his face in Draco's neck, biting down on the soft skin there as his whole body spasmed and he came deeply inside Draco, who was crying out his own release.

When Harry had regained his breath, he smiled into Draco's neck, kissing and licking the red mark he'd made with his teeth in the height of his passion. "Now, I could get used to waking up like that," he said.

"Hmm," Draco replied, stretching, arching his back but not allowing Harry to slip free just yet. "There is nothing, absolutely nothing better than having you in me," Draco said, raking his hand through Harry's hair, sounding extremely pleased and satisfied with himself.

"Well, allow me to oblige you with that at any time," Harry whispered into Draco's ear, feeling the little shiver Draco gave as his warm breath washed over his ear.

"Hmmm, wouldn't it be amazing to be able to spend our lives just like this?"

"Spending our days being indolent rich lazy slobs?" Harry laughed.

"No, idiot." Draco laughed, tugging on Harry's hair affectionately. "I meant always feeling this wonderful. Always feeling this smugly content. Always with the feeling that comes from just having been fucked so perfectly."

"I could easily spend my life with you exactly like that," Harry said. And that was true; he planned to spend the rest of his life with Draco.

He'd not expected sex with Draco to be this open. Draco was candidly affectionate, appreciative and passionate. At first it had astonished him that Draco spoke so explicitly about how sex with Harry made him feel but after his initial surprise, Harry treasured every utterance. Further than the words, though, Harry had learnt to interpret each sigh and exhalation in the search to understand everything there was to know about his boyfriend and ensure he pleased him.

"Good," Draco murmured as he yawned and settled back against Harry, snuggling in to sleep.

"Don't sleep too long, we have places to go today," Harry whispered.

"Hmm, I won't," came the sleepy reply. "I set the clock to wake us at nine. Not that I really want to go, but they're expecting us now."

"What time do we need to be there?" Harry asked, placing soft kisses on Draco's shoulder, smiling at the way the little hairs moved when he breathed.

"Eleven," Draco said, yawning again.

"And you organised the Portkey?" Harry asked.

"No, Harry, remember we couldn't get an International one so we're Flooing to the coast then taking a Channel Floo to Paris and Apparating from there." Draco's voice petered out at the end and Harry realised he'd dropped off to sleep after all.

Harry lay awake then until the alarm went off at nine, thinking about the ramifications of him not remembering a thing about their adjusted travel arrangements.

***

At precisely 11.00am, Harry and Draco made the final Apparition to the front door of Andromeda's house. Harry was quite excited, as he hadn't seen Teddy since the boy was about three years old. Prior to that, he'd kept up with him regularly, but when Andromeda had decided to leave England and live in France, taking Draco's mother with her, he'd not had the chance to visit him. In truth, he should have made more effort, but he was part of the reason Andromeda had left England in the first place. She'd felt that Teddy was getting too much attention from the press being associated with Harry and the fact that he was the result of a union between a Metamorphmagus and a Werewolf was only going to attract the wrong sort of attention. She wanted him to grow up without being in the spotlight, which Harry understood.

He'd let them go with a heavy heart, not that he'd have had the right to stop them or ask them to stay. He'd made sure that Teddy would always be looked after and he and Andromeda exchanged photos and progress reports often.

It had been a similar amount of time since Draco had seen his mother. When Harry had spoken of her back on Valentine's Day, Draco had wanted to change the subject. It had taken Harry a week to get Draco to talk about it, and almost as long for him to agree to a visit. Some things, Draco had said, should be left alone.

But of course, Harry figured that when he was gone, Draco might appreciate the comfort his mother could give him. Or support. He knew Narcissa loved her son and Draco was going to need someone that knew him inside out to be there when Harry left.

"You nervous?" he asked Draco, pushing the doorbell and hearing a melodic tune announcing their arrival.

Draco nodded. "A little. Maybe you're right, maybe she did feel bad for failing me, somehow," he added.

"Maybe," agreed Harry. "She certainly answered your Owl quickly enough. I think that indicates that she was really missing you and wanted to see you."

"I know. It's just..." He paused as an old house-elf answered the door and informed them that the Mistresses and Master Teddy were in the lounge waiting for them. "It's just that I haven't seen her for more than four years," Draco whispered as they walked through to the lounge, following the elf.

When they rounded the corner, Harry's legs were almost taken from under him by a whirlwind of shocking red hair and the grip of seven-year-old limbs wrapping themselves around his legs.

"Harry! You came!" cried Teddy Lupin.

"Teddy!" Harry exclaimed and dropped to his knees to get a better look at his Godson. Teddy's normally shaggy brown hair was straight. And red. A bright fire engine red, not a Weasley red. "Let me get a look at you," Harry said, glancing at Draco, only to see he had continued on to go and see his mother.

"Gosh, you're so tall now, Teddy," Harry said, smiling and looking him over.

The red bob bounced as Teddy nodded. "I'm growing up Nana Tonks says," he said.

"You certainly are. And getting up to no good, I'll bet," Harry replied.

"Well..." Teddy said doubtfully, as if wondering how much he could trust Harry. Then his irrepressible nature won out and he giggled, turning his hair a particular shade of purple that Tonks used to use. For a moment, Harry felt the wistful pang of loss, knowing that Tonks would have been so proud of Teddy, with his sparkling brown eyes that softened to sympathy easily, just as Remus' had done.

"So, come and tell me all about your little exploits, Teddy," Harry said, ruffling his hair.

Teddy led him off to the lounge, prattling on nineteen to the dozen, regaling Harry with tales of courage and daring and putting spiders in Sophie Mercer's lunch box at school. Harry listened attentively, waiting until Teddy needed to breathe, in order to greet Andromeda properly.

"How are you, Harry?" she asked, smiling a gentle smile. She was looking older, he saw, a lot more tired, and Harry wondered how much was from aging and how much was from running around after a grandchild.

"I'm well, thank you, and you?" he asked, returning her smile.

He noticed that Draco was embracing Narcissa over in one corner. Relieved, he didn't interrupt them to greet Narcissa. There would be time enough for that later.

"We're all well here," Andromeda replied. "It's lovely to see you after all this time."

"It's been a while," Harry agreed, sitting on the couch. Teddy jumped up beside him and leaned into his side obviously trying to get his attention. "How's he been?"

"Teddy is doing well in school and seems to have made lots of friends."

They both watched as Teddy pouted for a moment at having been denied the chance to talk more to Harry. Then he discovered the croissants and cakes on the table and promptly forgot about Harry, as seven-year-olds are prone to do when faced with food like that. Harry smiled.

He'd noticed that on occasion Teddy spoke in slightly accented English, which was something he would have picked up being around French speakers in his important language formation years. And now he assumed that Teddy spoke French as well. Which raised the question of where Teddy was going to go to school when he turned eleven.

"Where do you think you'll send him when he turns eleven?" Harry asked.

"Hogwarts, I think," she answered. "It's where Dora and Remus went. They both loved that school." A slight frown marred her face. Harry understood that, or thought he did. Both Tonks and Remus had died defending the school in the final battle.

He nodded. "They did. He knows about what happened there?"

Her face clouded a little more; it was clear that she still grieved for the loss of her daughter. "Yes, they died heroes and he deserves to know all about them."

"You're not worried that it might affect him too much, being there where they died?"

Andromeda shrugged an elegant shoulder. "If there is anywhere he might go to feel closer to them, then Hogwarts would be it," she said simply. She looked up at Harry, her piercing grey eyes intent. "Tell me, when you lost Sirius would you have wanted him to return to keep you company as a ghost?"

Harry's mouth dropped open. He'd not even thought of that for Teddy. He remembered back in fifth year when he'd asked Nearly Headless Nick about coming back as a ghost and when he'd heard what it involved, he was glad Sirius hadn't. But he'd still wanted it at first and he couldn't deny how much he'd missed Sirius.

"At the time I was consumed with grief and guilt and I would have given anything if he'd returned as a ghost. But now? I remember what Nearly Headless Nick told me about being a ghost and I realised that I'd be condemning his soul to an eternity being a ghost, long after I died. Long after I died and he could be of any comfort for me."

Andromeda's eyes dropped from Harry's and her shoulders sagged. "Is it wrong for me to hope one of them is a ghost at Hogwarts for him?" she asked in a whisper.

"I don't know about wrong," Harry replied. "You truly think Teddy would benefit from having one of them there?"

She nodded, vigorously. "I do. I want him to know them. They died before he was aware of them at all. I want him to have that comfort of knowing one of them at least."

Harry had been through similar feelings over his parents as well as Sirius. The amount of time he'd spent sitting in front of the Mirror of Erised, the shocking comfort and courage they'd given him at the graveyard when they were exhumed through Voldemort's wand and the uncommon peace they'd infused him with when he walked to his death in the final battle, was all testament to how much he loved them and wanted to know them and them to know him.

But...

"You wouldn't rather think of them happy, together somewhere?" he asked, to be met with narrowed eyes.

"I would rather they'd kept away from that final battle and taken responsibility for Teddy but that didn't happen," she said bitterly, lowering her voice as Teddy was making his way back to them, plate full of treats.

Harry quickly whispered. "And what sort of life would you be condemning Teddy to if one of them is at Hogwarts? How would he ever be able to leave them and live his own life knowing that they would be there every single day for all eternity? Life is for the living, Andromeda. Let him live it!"

She looked at him, shocked. Teddy walked to his Nana and held out the plate. "Is this much all right, Nana? I know it looks a lot but I had to have one of each so no one felt lonely," he said, giving his Nana an angelic smile, as only little boys can when they're trying to wheedle their way around something.

Andromeda looked unseeing at him for a moment and then at the plate as if realising what he'd said. She paled and cleared her throat. "No, of course, we can't have any of them lonely," she said, quietly. "But you sit down on the couch and eat them properly, like a grown up," she said, softer now.

Teddy nodded happily and did as he was told, sitting himself on the couch before picking up a treat in one hand and eating it in huge mouthfuls. Typical boy, Harry thought, laughing to himself.

When Andromeda looked back up at Harry, she nodded. "I understand now," she said. "I'll make sure they're not there before I send him there."

Harry smiled and hoped that neither Tonks nor Remus had decided to haunt Hogwarts. He really didn't think they had or he would have seen them on one of his trips back there when he decorated the Christmas trees each year or someone else would have seen them and he'd know about it. Instead, Harry liked to think of them somewhere together, keeping an eye on Teddy, much like James and Lily were keeping an eye on him.

All the talk about ghosts had made him think of his own situation. Would he come back as a ghost? He didn't want to but as he turned and looked at Draco, he thought that if anyone was worth it, then Draco would be. Being able to talk with him and see him all the time would be wonderful, but he didn't think he could handle the torment of not being able to touch him, to feel him or have Draco touch him in return. Nor would he be able to watch when Draco found someone else with whom to spend his life. He wanted Draco happy, of course, but he was aware of his inability to watch it happen. To see someone else touching the body that he loved so; to see Draco kissing someone else's lips...

He sighed, watching Draco laugh with his mother, then turn to look at him, smiling and happy. Draco blew him a kiss and went back to speaking with Narcissa. It was wonderful to see him so happy with his mother; it looked like they had sorted through a lot of their issues and things would be better from now on.

Lunch was a casual affair, according to Andromeda and Narcissa, though it was still much more formal than Harry was used to. Good food and decent company made for an enjoyable time and even Teddy behaved himself, much to Andromeda's pleasure.

Narcissa was a pleasant surprise, Harry found. He'd expected the aristocratic bearing and attitude he'd encountered the times he'd met her before, but now free of stress and worry about Voldemort and even her husband, and perhaps because she was almost reliant on Andromeda to live, she had gained some humility and it had transferred as warmth. Maybe it had always been there and Harry had just never had cause to see it, but she was a warm, lively person who clearly doted on her son.

"Harry," Narcissa said during lunch. "Draco has told me about your relationship with him and I would like to give you two my blessing, but I would ask you some questions first to satisfy myself that he is in good hands."

"Mother, no," Draco replied, placing a hand on her arm. "Harry has been nothing but wonderful to me and I'll not have you make him justify himself."

"No, it's all right, Draco. A parent should always watch out for their children," Harry said, giving him a slow smile before turning to Narcissa and giving her a wider smile. "What would you like to ask me?"

She placed her knife and fork on the table and gave him an inscrutable stare. "As you know, Draco found it hard to obtain decent employment until you assisted him, for which I am very grateful, but what will happen in the event that something happens to you or you break up?" she asked.

Not a bad question, really. She was very protective of Draco and wanted to ensure that whatever happened to Harry, Draco would be well cared for. He'd already organized that, of course, and he'd rather not have to reveal those details to her before Draco even knowing, but he sighed and did it anyway.

"I can assure you Draco will be well looked after," he said, ignoring Draco's protest that he didn't need to answer that. "If we split up - which won't happen," he gave Draco a warm smile. "Then our business arrangement continues. Draco rents the shop from me as any other tenant would. And no matter our personal situation, he's a good tenant and I'd be mad to lose one of those. Now, should anything happen to me," he paused and took a sip of his wine, pushing away the flash of pain and hoping it didn't show on his face. "Draco will inherit the shop from my estate," he said.

Draco sat there looking stunned; Narcissa had a satisfied smile on her face and nodded at him.

"Harry, you can't do that," Draco said, shakily.

"Of course I can. I bought the shop so you could rent it. Who better to leave it to?"

"But..."

"No buts, Draco. Of course there's a codicil," Harry said, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "If I die by suspicious methods, then they'll come looking for you."

"How can you...?" Draco head snapped up to look at Harry, but stopped when he saw the gleam in his eyes. He grinned. "You bastard."

"Yes, but I'm your bastard. Now can we change the subject? Enough talk about us splitting up or me...dying. Too dark and dreary a conversation for this lovely afternoon."

The rest of the afternoon was spent alternately chatting with the ladies or playing with Teddy. They took the boy out on a broom for a bit of a clandestine spin around the countryside and suffered severe chastisement from Andromeda when they returned, flushed and breathless and laughing at their adventure.

When it was time to leave, Narcissa hugged and held on to Draco for the longest time.

"You'll come back and see me soon, won't you?" she asked Draco, tears in her eyes.

"Of course I will. Now I know you want to see me and aren't ashamed of me, I'll be back often. We both will be."

"I've never been ashamed of you, I wish you'd known that earlier," she said, voice softened by sadness.

"It's all right, mother, I know it now," he said, kissing her on the cheek and disentangling himself.

Teddy had been bouncing around, hair changing from blue to gold and purple to red.

"Bye, Harry," he said.

"Bye champ," Harry replied, ruffling his hair. "Be good and maybe next time I come back I'll bring you something special from home. How will that be?"

Teddy gasped. "Could you bring me back some Canary Creams? Sometimes when some of mum's other friends come over they bring me some."

"Canary Creams it is." Harry laughed. "Who are you going to trick with them?"

"No one special," he hedged, but he was grinning.

"Well, mind your Nana Tonks and you'll have some next time I'm here."

"I will." The boy nodded and took off back upstairs.

Goodbyes were finalised and Harry and Draco Apparated away, beginning their journey home, well pleased with how the day had turned out.

***

Draco dropped a kiss on Harry's head as he walked through to the fridge to grab some pumpkin juice the next morning.

"What did you have planed for today, love?" he asked, pouring juice into their glasses.

"Not a lot," Harry said smiling around a mouthful of cereal. At Draco's horrified look, he chewed and swallowed before continuing. "Going to see Alison for a bit, do some work on the book and then meeting you at the shop at six so we can go to Ron's for his birthday dinner."

"Right, and don't be late," Draco said, smiling. "Or I might have to punish you somehow." He gave Harry a saucy wink.

"Promises, promises," Harry shot back, playfully.

"Speaking of punishments," Draco said. "You do realise that we're going to have to sit thorough hundreds of rolls of film from their honeymoon?"

Harry laughed. "You're just jealous you haven't been to Australia."

"Oh, please," Draco scoffed. "All those poisonous snakes and the heat and the flies and the spiders as big as your hand and the sharks? You can't forget about the sharks. Who in their right mind would want to go there?"

Harry was about to say that he would love to travel there and to other places, too, but then he swallowed, remembering that he'd not really have time to go anywhere. He coughed as a piece of cereal got stuck in his throat and Draco jumped up to whack him on the back.

"This wouldn't happen if you ate like a normal person instead if a human vacuum cleaner," he insisted, amusement evident in his tone.

Airways blessedly clear again, Harry pulled Draco down for a quick kiss. "A kiss of gratitude for the hero." He grinned despite his eyes still watering from the choking.

Draco gave him a smile and returned to drinking his pumpkin juice. "Speaking of heroes," he said. "When am I going to get a look at this book on yourself that you're writing?"

Harry's eyes widened. "No one gets to see it before it's finished."

"Why not? You keep saying no one can see it, but you won't say why."

"There are many reasons," Harry said mysteriously, thinking that not the least of those reasons was that it had his thoughts about his illness, how it had affected him and the influence it had on this past eight months of his life. But he couldn't tell Draco any of that.

"I thought we shared everything, Harry," Draco said. "I just feel a bit hurt that you don't want to share this with me."

Harry could see he was serious, and it made him feel awful. More awful. "We do share everything and when this book is done, we'll share it before anyone else but, for now, because this is all new to me and I'm not sure if it's even coherent, I want to keep it for myself."

"Do you think I'll laugh at your efforts to use language correctly?" Draco asked, slightly mollified.

"No, I'm not too concerned over that. I assume whoever publishes it will have proofreaders that will correct my bad grammar and stuff. No, it's just really personal and for now I'd like to keep that private. Can you understand that?"

"Not really, but I'll respect your decision," Draco replied, sighing.

Harry tried again. "Well, it's like you not wanting to talk about your father. And how you felt about him. That's very personal and you should only talk about that when you're ready. There are things in that book that..." Harry sighed. "You'll understand when you read it," he said.

Draco nodded but still didn't look happy. Harry stood and walked to stand in front of him. "Enough sad talk on a morning like this." He smiled and leaned down to kiss his boyfriend. "Off to work with you or you'll be the one who's late for dinner tonight."

Standing, Draco pulled Harry into his arms and Harry closed his eyes to just let the feel of Draco's arms around him sink in like a protection against anything unpleasant or dangerous to them and their love. He slid his own arms around Draco's waist and nuzzled into his neck. "You're right," Draco said. "If I don't go now, I will be late." He pulled back out of the close hug, though still with his arms around Harry and he was smiling, teasing. Then he sobered a little. "You're also right about keeping some things private. One day, I'll talk about him, but not yet, so I understand.'

Nodding, Harry leant in and kissed him feeling terribly guilty for his big secret.

***

From the moment Umbridge mocked my ability to become an Auror, I wanted to be one more than anything else. It had always just seemed like a natural progression - save the world, be an Auror. It felt like a recruiting campaign, which was what I'd become by the end and I decided to leave. Best dec -

"Harry!" Draco shouted through the Floo.

Harry jumped and ran to the fireplace. Draco had sounded angry or upset. "What is it?" he asked, worried.

"Where the fuck are you? It's six-thirty and you were supposed to be here half an hour ago?"

"I was?" Harry asked.

"Bloody hell, it was the last thing I said to you before I left this morning. Where is your head lately?"

Frantically, Harry thought. Why was he supposed to be at the shop at six? Was there anything special they were supposed to be doing? Anniversary? Birthday?

Oh shit! Ron's birthday.

"Hell, Draco, I'm sorry. I was writing and I just totally lost track of the time. You go ahead and I'll be there in ten minutes."

"All right, but if I have to sit through hours of film about Australia and you miss any of it, you are in so much trouble. Ten minutes, Potter. And I hope you've wrapped the present."

With that Draco's head disappeared out of the fire and Harry stood there, paralysed. He'd forgotten Ron's birthday. And earlier he'd felt dizzy when he was holding Alison and so he'd handed her back, worried he might drop her. Was this the beginning of the end? He hung his head in his hands, fingers gripping so hard to his skull that Harry thought they might go through it and gouge out the vicious tumor squatting in his brain, growing fat on his cells and sapping his life.

His skin felt clammy and there was a cold sweat broken out on his body. It couldn't be possible yet; it had only been eight months. He'd have to go and see the Healer again tomorrow and organise to take the potion each week now, rather than every ten days. How long would it be before he'd need it each day?

Just give me a few more months, he begged...no one. Who could he beg? Begging the stupid tumor was ridiculous, like giving it a life of its own and while it was insidiously claiming his life, it didn't think, it couldn't grant mercy or a reprieve. It was just a festering pustule of a malignant tumor.

Growling, he picked up his wand and used it to cast the spell to wrap Ron's gift, then he charged off to the bedroom to Scourgify himself and dress. A dinner party was the last thing he wanted to attend right now, but Ron was his best friend and he had no reason not to be there, other than he felt angry enough to punch holes in the wall and miserable enough to howl about it afterwards.

And then he had to cope with Draco being pissed at him for being late. He sighed as he picked up Ron's gift and got ready to Floo through to Ron and Hermione's. It was going to be a long night.

***

The trip to see the Healer the next day wasn't all that encouraging. She gave him a sympathetic look, agreed that he should take the potion more often and asked him how he was dealing with it all.

"How am I supposed to deal with it?" Harry replied, not without a trace of impatience.

"The best way you know how or the way you feel most comfortable coping," she replied.

Irritated by her calm reasoning, Harry scowled and slouched in his chair, almost petulant. How could she know what he was going through? How could she possibly understand how sick it made him feel every time he thought of the growth in his head; every time something happened out of the ordinary that made him wonder if it was another symptom, if his numbered days suddenly had an end that was within reach? How could she understand how hard it was to wear the mask he'd fashioned for himself?

There was a very private little breakdown he had whenever he looked at Draco sleeping. The only time he allowed himself to let the ache inside him take over, let the subtle snapping of his heart be visible, was watching Draco while he slept. It was the only time around Draco that he felt safe enough to let the mask drop. For the rest of the time he had to keep his anguish carefully masked, but while Draco slept he could watch him and live every little future fantasy they'd spoken about right there in his head, right beside the man he loved.

Some of the pain must have shown on his face, because the Healer didn't say anything, just sat quietly, giving him space and time.

"I don't want to cope," Harry said, struggling to speak. "Time is ticking away too fast. We've only just found each other and... and he has all these plans for us for the future...how am I supposed to say goodbye to him?" Harry's voice broke and his shoulders shook as he tried to keep from breaking down completely. He didn't like letting anyone see him cry. Sometimes on his night-time walks he cried, sometimes when he felt strong enough to cry silently, he'd let them run down his cheek, while through the shimmer of his tears he watched Draco sleep.

"I don't know, Harry," she answered, softly. Even though it was a question that hadn't required an answer, he was glad she'd said something anyway; it was a distraction. "Maybe we're not supposed to know how to say goodbye the right way. All you can do is follow what your heart tells you to do and make sure that he has many memories of you for after."

Harry nodded, sniffing and wiping his eyes. Not that what she'd said made any difference, but it made it easier knowing that he wasn't the only one that had no answers.

"How long do you think I have left?" he asked.

"A couple of months maybe before taking the potion will make no difference."

Harry took a deep breath and then exhaled. "Right." He thought about asking for some dreamless sleep potion but he needed the emotional release his night activities gave him and Luna's tea worked well enough when things became too bad.

Besides there'd be time enough to sleep when he was dead.

***

The extra potion seemed to do the trick because, over the next two weeks, Harry didn't notice a recurrence of the memory loss or any motor function. Even the headaches seemed less. And seeing the Healer was cathartic; she was the only one he could talk to about this illness with any freedom and no matter how difficult it was, he did feel better after lettings some of his anxieties go.

And he tried to forget that he could almost hear that clock ticking down.

A lot of time was spent on his book; he felt the need to try and finish it before he didn't have the cognitive ability to write coherently any longer.

Other than meeting up with friends when he could, helping Draco in the shop at other times and spending time with Alison, he found the most joy just being around Draco.

Somehow he'd become almost a lifeline of sorts. He was trying to cram a lifetime of loving Draco into months. Sometimes he wondered if Draco thought him too intense in paying him so much close attention but, on the contrary, Draco seemed to thrive on all the attention and bloomed.

Each night would bring Harry almost to tears when he thought about how they seemed to fit, each the perfect foil for the other. Many nights they would be awake late into the night, snuggled up together in bed, just talking. Harry both loved and hated those nights.

He loved them because they were the intimate side of how he and Draco interacted as people. Compatible in bed in virtually every aspect, Harry found during these long talks that they complemented each other in personality as well and he wondered why he hadn't seen it before. Perhaps he'd not thought to look that deeply before his now almost frenetic need to know as much about Draco as he possibly could before it was all gone.

And he hated them because they reminded him of how fleeting his time was; how little he'd actually get to experience this shared joy and feeling of having found the other half of his soul.

"Did you ever see us like this before we started going out?" Draco asked him one night when they were snuggled up together in bed after a long slow session making love.

"Sometimes," he admitted. "We'd talked about being together so much that it would be odd if I hadn't imagined being with you like this. What about you?"

"All the time," Draco replied candidly, kissing Harry's jaw.

"We were idiots. We should have started seeing each other years ago when we first admitted there was some attraction."

"No, maybe not," Draco said, shifting a little in Harry's arms.

"How do you mean?"

"Half of why we are so comfortable now is that we put our friendship first back when it was in its infancy. We have a solid base here, Harry, and I think that makes a difference."

Harry held Draco tighter, resting his cheek on Draco's head. Draco's long fingers were splayed out over his chest and he could feel each one individually warm on his skin as they rested there.

"You're a lot smarter than I am about these things," he said, finally. "I would have just rushed in and assumed that the friendship would hold up under the pressure of a relationship by the very fact that I wanted it to."

"Gryffindor," Draco replied warmly. "Good thing you had me making you stop and realise that not taking time to plan and think things through could have been disastrous."

"Good thing," Harry mused, smiling lightly.

"I mean, we had all that history to get past and it wasn't going to happen overnight. Becoming friends didn't make all that just disappear, we had to build something solid as a foundation before we could take it any further."

He was right, Harry knew he was, though he was sure Draco hadn't been thinking those things when they'd decided to remain friends, or when he'd knocked back Harry's offer because he wanted to protect the friendship. Even so, Draco was right; this foundation they'd built was strong as anything he'd ever felt before.

And all this from two people for whom relationships just did not happen.

***

Easter came and life progressed as usual. Harry was still taking the potion every week and it seemed to be holding. He was also drinking the tea Luna had given him and it did help him sleep. Not that he took it every night - sometimes he needed that alone time to think.

Even though Easter was a Muggle Christian holiday there were enough in their circle with Muggle upbringings that they decided to have an Easter Egg hunt for the children. Not that Alison was old enough to go hunting for eggs, but Jasmine was and so were Bill and Fleur's children Victoire and Phillipe. Daphne had dragged along her older sister's children and Pansy had allowed Jasmine to bring three friends from the Orphanage for the day, so they were quite the motley crew at the park, all seated on picnic blankets in the cool Spring sunshine.

Harry and Draco had been out earlier that morning, setting magical wards around the area they'd like to use and hiding a plethora of Easter eggs in the grass, trees and flower beds for the children. Draco had embraced the Muggle tradition of Easter, not because of the story, but because he adored anything chocolate and any excuse for a feast of chocolate was enough. They'd spent hours scouring Muggle chocolate shops for the bags of eggs they had for the children. More nutritious food in the form of quiche, chicken, salad and early strawberries was packed into numerous picnic baskets and those, along with various multi coloured rugs, were dotted around the area they'd set aside for their hunt.

The children, all armed with their own baskets for collecting eggs, set off on their hunt, while the adults organised the real food and poured drinks. Pansy took off after her charges when Joel Norris stole an egg from Beaufort Hemplewhyte's basket and he began to cry. Neville had Alison in his arms and she was laughing at the pretty coloured paper that wrapped the eggs.

By the time the children had finished, baskets full to overflowing, the food was all unpacked and the serious business of eating and unsuccessfully trying to prevent the children from gorging on chocolate could commence. Harry was laughing at the way Jasmine seemed to take charge of the smaller kids, telling them what to do with the same attitude that Pansy used with her. He knew that should she be thwarted then she would probably have a volatile temper, too. Some traits didn't need to be passed from one generation to the next through blood, Harry laughed to himself. Much of it was learned behaviour.

Ginny and Blaise were late but arrived just as Harry was picking up his plate of chicken salad to eat. After saying hello, he began his lunch, comfortably leaning up against Draco who had decided that he wasn't a real man today and was eating quiche.

"You're looking good, Gin," Harry said, feeling wonderful today and wanting everyone else to know and feel good, too.

"Thanks, Harry. You looking to move on from the blonde bombshell and going after married redheads now are you?" she joked.

"Hardly," Draco chimed in, popping a piece of quiche he'd broken off into Harry's mouth.

"Just joking." Ginny laughed. "I'd probably not know what to do if he came after me, anyway. Been married too long."

"I'd expect to find him on the end of one of your Bat-Bogey hexes if he came after you," Blaise said, leaning in to kiss his wife's cheek.

"Ah yes." Ginny grinned. "You've not had the pleasure of suffering through one of those have you?"

Harry shook his head, laughing. "No, thank goodness."

"I have," Draco said. "And it's not an experience I'd like to repeat, thanks very much."

Harry nudged Draco. "No, I rather like your face minus the bat wings, if it's all the same to you."

"You just love me for my pretty face," Draco said, sniffing amiably.

"Of course." Harry laughed, rolling his eyes. "Why else would I love you?"

"For my devastating oral skills, perhaps? Or my massive...intelligence, maybe?"

Blaise screeched and covered his ears. "Too much information!"

"Oh bollocks, Blaise, that was perfectly innocent. I am a skilled orator and my intelligence is well known and accepted. I most certainly did not imply that I was incredibly skilled at oral sex, which I am, nor did I insinuate that my dick is massive," Draco ranted. "Which it is. What are you lot laughing at?" By the time he was done the three of them had collapsed on the ground laughing, not so much because it was hilarious, more for the incredulous look on Draco's face while he said it.

Draco joined in after a moment and they continued lunch in a lighthearted mood, enjoying the spring sunshine.

Harry was feeling very lazy after lunch and decided, that as Draco wasn't going anywhere, his lap made a nice pillow, so he rested his head there and willingly submitted to having Draco thread his fingers through his unruly mop of hair. It was gentling and relaxing and Harry could feel most of his recent tension sliding away. On a day like today, being so tenderly touched by his boyfriend under the new warmth of the sun he found it hard to let worry dominate his thoughts and mood.

And then, of course, Ron dropped down next to them and disturbed his lazy slumber, noisily feeding his face for the second time that afternoon.

"Do you ever stop eating?" Harry asked through half opened eyes.

"Nope," Ron said. "I'm a growing lad, or so I'm told."

"It's a wonder you don't look like the side of a house," Draco pointed out.

Ron shrugged. "Besides, I just spent an hour running around after those kids. Pansy's got her hands full with Jasmine hasn't she?"

"Oh, don't be fooled, Pansy loves every moment. She's already planning her coming out party," Draco drawled. "I think those two were twins in a previous life."

Ron and Harry both chuckled imagining Pansy's mouth on a six year old. Said six year old bounded over to them at that point and deliberately plonked herself down on Harry's stomach.

"Ooof, missy, watch where you're jumping!" Harry exclaimed, having very nearly had his bits damaged.

"Sorry, Mr. Harry," she said sweetly, but Harry wasn't fooled by that innocent smile. He did think it hilarious, however, that she used a semi-respectful label for him but treated him like her personal toy half the time.

"What are you after then, Miss Jasmine?" he asked.

"I wanted to ask Draco if he would give me a piggy back ride to chase Victoire. Will you, Draco?" She looked at him with those huge puppy dog eyes and Harry knew Draco wouldn't be able to resist and resigned himself to losing his pillow.

Draco made a great show of agreeing but he was as mesmerised as the rest of them by Jasmine's sweet, albeit cheeky, nature, so when she clambered off him, Harry sat up and kissed Draco good bye. "Be good and don't get dirty," he joked.

"Yes, dad," Draco said, rolling his eyes before he was dragged bodily away by an ecstatic Jasmine.

Ron looked after them, laughter twinkling in his eyes which Harry noticed because he'd turned to make a comment about Ron having his own kids soon. "What?" Ron asked when he noticed Harry looking.

"Nothing," Harry replied, happy to enjoy Ron's good mood.

"He's good for you," Ron said. "I can't remember when I last saw you so happy. I mean, you always have this look about you like you expect that the world's going to end any minute, but since you started seeing him, that's not the dominant look."

"Ok...who are you and where is Ron Weasley?" Harry said, earning himself a scowl from Ron. "Hey, I'm not the one who accused you of having the emotional range of a teaspoon." Harry laughed, holding up his hands.

Ron blushed. "Yeah, well, a bloke can grow up you know. I just reckon you always had something after you and you were waiting for the sky to fall. Now, you still have that but you're happy now and I reckon I owe you an apology."

"Accepted, mate," Harry replied.

It was really odd because, despite everything, Harry was happy and he couldn't think of a better way to spend his last months than with those he loved. It wasn't even as if he was packing his life full of extraordinary things like traveling the world, walking the Great Wall of China, climbing Mount Everest or anything spectacular like that, he was just doing normal everyday things that made him happy. He was living. What was even odder was that Ron Weasley had become perceptive.

Later, at home, Harry and Draco lay in bed talking over the day and what fun it had been, despite one of the kids being sick in the bushes from eating too much chocolate and despite them both ending up with chocolatey finger prints all over their clothes.

"You ever thought about having kids one day?" Draco asked as he lay in Harry's arms.

"I used to," he admitted. Not anymore, though, he added silently.

"Used to?"

"Hmm...before Pansy set her lot on to me." He laughed. Pansy had taken to begging Harry to come to the Orphanage as often as he could so he could see the progress of the kids and what was being done with his money. She also said that he was an inspiration to the kids because he was the great Harry Potter and he was an orphan too, so there was nothing these kids couldn't do if they set their minds to it. It seemed reasonable enough to Harry who wondered if Tom Riddle had had a hero would he still have been evil. And while he hated the 'hero' tag, he was practical enough to realise that it would always be there and could be used for something worthwhile, so he went and spent some time there. He loved it, he did, but the kids were exhausting at times.

"Hmm, save us from orphans and single female pre-school teachers," Draco said, and he was smiling because Harry could feel the movement of his facial muscles on his chest.

"And new mothers who feel it their duty to make sure that everyone they know realises the absolute joy of motherhood, or in our case, parenthood," Harry added, meaning Hannah who was besotted with Alison, which admittedly, was understandable.

"Yes." Draco laughed, now. "Though I find it ironic for her to say that at a time when she's elbow deep in filthy nappies and thrown up on bibs."

"Ah, but that's supposed to be when you look deep within yourself and discover the deeper, true meaning of being a parent," Harry expounded.

"And once you have them, there's no giving them back," Draco added.

"I take it that you never wanted kids," Harry said.

"I wouldn't say that," Draco replied, turning his head and resting his chin on Harry's chest, looking up at him.

"You do want kids?"

"Not yet. Someday, perhaps. Right now, I am still coming to terms with being in love with one of my best friends."

He smiled at Harry and Harry almost forgot what they were talking about. Strange clichés came to mind, like "I'll miss that smile", but how could he miss anything if he was dead? It wasn't like he was going away somewhere, complete with his corporeal body and mind and memories and feelings, where missing things like smiles and kisses and touches were even possible. Just one more thing to be angry and bitter about in this whole debacle. But whatever death was, if it were at all possible to miss anything, even one thing, he would miss the way Draco smiled at him, like no one in the world would ever see that smile but him.

"God," Harry breathed. "I'm still finding it hard to believe myself." He held Draco's eyes with his own, drinking in the smile in them and the love. His heart pierced and turned over at knowing how he was deceiving him. I'm so sorry, Draco.

"So, one day we'll have kids," Draco said, softly.

"I couldn't imagine anyone I'd want to have kids with more than I want to have them with you," Harry replied, honestly.

"Me either," Draco said, leaning up to tenderly kiss Harry's lips. "And we're lucky being men." He grinned. "We get to have all the practice of making a baby and none of the results."

Harry laughed, the mood lightened. Somehow, Draco always could put a smile on his face these days. He remembered back in school how even the thought of Malfoy made him scowl.

"How would we go about it then?" he asked, interested to hear just how Draco thought they might make having children happen.

"The practice?" Draco asked with a teasing lilt to his eyebrow. "You need a refresher course?"

"No, my bum is quite sore enough, thanks," Harry replied. "I think I remember how to do that part. I meant how would we go about having kids? Adoption? What did you have in mind?"

"Well, we have a few choices, Harry," Draco said, serious again. "Adoption, or we find a woman who will carry a child for us, either of us, and we either have sex with them or..."

"What, there's no secret potion or spell that can make the child biologically ours?" he asked, joking.

"Harry!" Draco laughed. "No, not even wizards can do that. Besides, I wouldn't want to carry a child in this gorgeous body." Said gorgeous body began rubbing along Harry's side.

"Hmm," Harry said. "What would you choose? Adoption? I can't imagine either of us sleeping with someone else. Well, I know I wouldn't want you to, anyway."

"No, I couldn't ever share this sort of intimacy with anyone else again, either. And we'd have to check and see if adoption was legal for same sex couples. Pansy had enough trouble until that sudden approval came through."

Harry blushed. He'd not told anyone about that. He wondered if Kingsley had had the law changed for everyone or just for Pansy. He'd never bothered to check as he'd achieved the desired result. Not that it mattered anymore, not for him, anyway. "Yeah, we should check on that," he said absently.

"But that's way off in the future, I want time to spend with you all to myself first." Draco sighed and snuggled up to Harry as he yawned and fell asleep.