Conversations

Chamber of Secrets -> Quidditch Match -> Conversation in the stands

"Do I detect a touch of jealousy?"

"Certainly not! I wouldn't be seen dead in a fur hat."

"Draco says I look 'pretty cool' in it. An odd expression for describing warm headgear isn't it?"

"Very odd. If it's supposed to be a compliment, I do not agree with him... Oh well played Slytherin! Aren't you going to clap Lucius?"

"No. I shall just smile and nod occasionally, as though I'm interested."

"This is torture for you isn't it?"

"You have no idea."

"Foul! Foul! Clean your glasses, woman! Oh I don't believe it... Hmm, twenty years on and I bet you can still out fly this lot, including Potter."

"No comment... I've got boots to match."

"Really... In black fur?"

"Yes... Severus, why is your hand on my knee?"

"Is this how high they are?"

"No, a little higher... Yes that's right."

"Draco hasn't seen you in those has he?"

"Don't be ridiculous, he's far too young for that."

"I'm not."

"Changed your mind about the hat then?"

"It's very fetching. When do I get to see the complete ensemble?"

"You don't."

"I can be very persuasive."

"What on earth are you doing?"

"Trying to find a pocket... Got it."

"Stop that at once... Oh God, not here... No, don't stop!"

"Time and place, if you want me to continue."

"Manor, 9pm tonight, damn you!"

"Good. I need cheering up, we're going to lose this match any minute... I've missed you Lucius."

"Mmmmmmm..."

"Told you! Well, that was quicker than I expected, so was Potter's catch."

"You really are a bastard Severus! I've missed you too."

"Later then."

"Later."

Chamber of Secrets -> Conversation in a cupboard

"Goyle, is that you?"

"I think so. How did we get in here?"

"Dunno, just lucky I guess."

"Lucky! What's lucky about suddenly waking up in a cupboard?"

"Er... Better than the lake?"

"Good one, mate. Can you move?"

"Nah, not yet. So, how was last night, did you get past first base with Milly then?"

"Sort of. It started out great... I got my hand in her pants, and she was really gagging for it."

"Yeah!"

"Yeah! Then it went a bit weird."

"Oh, what happened?"

"She asked me if I had a French letter."

"Eh?"

"I told her I didn't know anyone French, so it wasn't very likely."

"What did she say to that?"

"She said I was stupid, and I needed to get a condom."

"What's wrong with an owl?"

"That's what I said. Them condoms have got a wingspan of three meters. You'd never get one to fit inside an owlery. Besides, even if you did, it would probably eat all the owls."

"Perhaps French wizards have them."

"Eh?"

"Well they talk a lot, the French. Perhaps they write loads too."

"I get it. So they'd need a really big bird, to deliver their letters. That's smart thinking, Crabbe."

"Thanks. What happened next?"

"She said I wasn't going any further unless I gave her a rubber."

"Weird. What did you do?"

"I let her have my favorite pencil. You know, the one with the serpent's eyes that really flash. The tail bit is a rubber."

"Bet that impressed her! What did she do then?"

"She stabbed me with it!"

"Where?"

"Behind the broom shed."

"Girls, eh!"

"You hungry?"

"Yeah."

"Me too. Come on then."

Chamber of Secrets -> Conversation inside the chamber itself

"Come forth I command thee, dread and mighty basilisk. By the power of Lord Voldemort, by the right of the heir of Slytherin, I charge thee to do my bidding!"

"Hello Tom. My word, fifty years and you haven't aged a day!"

"The time is at hand, great serpent of the shadows! I, the greatest sorcerer in the world, have returned to fulfill your destiny!"

"Thanks. You can call me Brian, if you like... Wow, is that for me? Yummy, I'm starving!"

"No it isn't! She's mine, and I need her, so back off."

"Typical human! Always thinking with your pants. Hey, you wore a visor last time. How come you're looking at me, and you're not dead?"

"It's complicated."

"Try me."

"Well strictly speaking, I'm not really here yet."

"Oh God, I knew this would happen! My mind has finally snapped. Get away from me, figment of my imagination!"

"I'm not! Now will you please calm down, we have work to do."

"Calm down! You're not the one having hallucinations! I'd have been perfectly happy as an ordinary sea serpent, you know. Then you bloody wizards came along, sticking your wands in where they're not wanted! Wallop, whole new race of funky basilisks, thank you very much... Totally escaped your notice that the world isn't draped in black velvet... Bloody reflective surfaces everywhere, you tossers! How would you like it, if every time you sat down with a plate of sausages, they turned to rock before you could get the fork in? I've lost count of all the concrete rats I've eaten down here. Surprised I've got any teeth left, not to mention the permanent indigestion..."

"Have you finished?"

"No, I bloody haven't! What about sex, eh? Once a year we all swim down to the lake to pair off... Damned reflective stuff water, so we all have to keep our eyes shut! Puts a whole new spin on the phrase 'blind date' I can tell you. I gave it a miss this year. Ask me why, go on."

"Oh all right. Why didn't you go?"

"I'll tell you why! Because for three years in a row I've been buggered senseless by cousin Gerald, that's why! He always apologizes, but I'm sure the slimy git knows it's me. That's what comes of living under Malfoy Manor, I suppose."

"If I let you eat the girl, when I've finished with her, will you please shut up and listen to me?"

"Fair enough. What do I have to do this time?"

"Together, my fearsome one, we shall rise from the hidden depths of this castle. We shall emerge in triumph from the secret entrance into the world above, and..."

"It's a bit tacky isn't it?"

"WHAT!"

"Putting the door in the girl's bathroom. If you want to peep at girls having a piss, why can't you drill a hole in the wall, like other boys do? I don't see why I have to be involved."

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

"There's no need to be rude, Tom."

"I'm not saying another word to you, until I'm corporeal again!"

"Want a game of 'Blind Man's Bluff' while we wait? Ouch! It was just a thought."