For Always

* * *

Your absence has gone through me

Like thread through a needle

Everything I do is stitched with its color

* * *

I held you to me tightly, letting your tears fall as your body racks with sobs against mine. I shake with fear, and pain, and unexpectedly, love. Looking at you at that moment I realized my deep, miserable love for you, and your vision blurs as tears form behind my eyes. I hold you closer, my own tears mixing with yours. Though it's your life, your family being torn at the seams, it's my heart that is being ripped apart. I know I can never have you.

Fear not the flame of my love's candle

Let it be the sun in your world of darkness

Give unto me all that frightens you

I'll have your nightmares for you

If you sleep soundly

Snow falls outside, the day cold and weary, and I sit waiting for you, trembling at the thought of your absence. Suddenly you are here, closing the door behind you as I run to you, throwing my arms around you and not daring to look at your face. You kiss me so softly and so lovingly, and I taste happiness on your lips. Questioningly I raise my eyes to meet your clear gray gaze. You tell me you will not have to leave, yet. Though your fate is decided, and it quickly approaches, your time has not come. With your father gone you were given mercy, mercy to me and my already consuming secret. One small tear slips down my cheek as you smile softly, and I kiss you, now with the knowledge that it would not yet be the last. I brush a piece of pale hair out of your eyes and shiver when your cold hands encircle my waist. A sting of fear cuts through me as I glance at the door, what if they were to see us like this? But cupping my chin and pressing your lips to mine, all thoughts disappear, I love you, oh I do...I tingle at the touch of your lips on mine, at the thrill of touching something forbidden, and the soft bewitchment of your eyes. I know I am falling, falling quickly, and I can't help but wonder just how far down you are...

I'm going under

Drowning in you

I'm falling forever

I've got to break through

I'm going under

I sit with them, chatting so easily about things that have no importance like they do. Your eyes catch mine from across the room, drawing me in to your icy gaze and leaving me to tremble. The corners of your perfect mouth tip barely into a crooked smile, causing pangs of endearment to warm my heart. What will I do without you when he comes for you and you have no choice but to go...?

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all of my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

Because your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There is just to much that time cannot erase

I lay in your arms, softly tracing the contours of you face, memorizing the touch of your smooth skin. Eyes closed and walls crumbled, your sense of peace and vulnerability amazes me. How they would stare in wonder if they knew the boy that lies beside me. How they would love you... Though not like I do, never like I do... Your eyes flicker for a moment, looking softly into mine. Tell me you love me, you whisper. I love you. A small smile plays on your lips as you close your eyes for a moment. Then, pushing yourself up to rest sideways on your pale, toned arm, you kiss me, soft as twilight. And I love you. I watch as you reach your slender fingers into a pocket and pull out a thin gold circlet. Taking my hand you slide it gently onto my ring finger, and I notice for the first time a silver circlet on yours. You smile slowly and clasp our hands together, answering my unspoken question:

They're promise rings.

I look at you in wonder. You know we can't, you can't...

A promise of love, darling. Of our love. They don't exist without it.

So yours will disappear if you ever, if you ever stop...?

Yes. But I will never stop loving you. I'll love you till the day I die, and even after that. Forever.

For always?

For always.

Hold on to me love

You know I can't stay long

All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid

Can you hear me?

Can you feel me in your arms?

I lay alone, hidden by the spells you placed so carefully so no one would ever know. And now they never will. My tears have no end as I clutch your letter to my chest, the only piece of you I have left to call my own. Except... Fingers trembling, I raise my hand. The band of gold on my finger flickers softly in the candlelight. I close my eyes as your voice suddenly fills my head...

A promise of love, darling. Of our love. They don't exist without it.

I open my eyes, and as I study the circlet through my tears I know that it will never disappear, for I will never stop loving you. Oh, what I would give to see yours, to know that your circle of silver is still there. To know that you still love me... But I know I shall never see it again. I have lost my love, my light, to the dark, and you are never coming back. Why did you leave me...? I know you had to go. My arms feel so empty as I cry without you to hold, to comfort me, as I did to you so many times before, come back to me my love, I need you now...

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I've held your hand through all of these years

You still have all of me

Years later...

I rest in his arms, watching him sleep so peacefully. Stray pieces of his dark hair fall over his face, shielding his now closed eyes. Something stops me from reaching over and tenderly pushing them aside, for it is too familiar to me. Memories push up through the part of me that I have frozen over, the part that is you. I push them back down, refusing myself the soft thrill of your eyes that has yet to fade. I take his hand in mine, feeling so alone as the inky night sky stretches to infinity above me.

You used to captivate me

By your resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away all of the sanity in me

An image in white, I feel beautiful as I walk so steadily down the isle littered by flowers. Little silver dragon snaps, the petals ripped from the flowers: such wasted beauty... Reaching the end I turn, imagining this moment as I have forever, only to find myself startled when emerald eyes look warmly into mine, images of icy blue fade fading as though they were never there at all... My reality sets in and I smile to the world before muttering the words "I do."

If I smile and don't believe

Soon I know I'll wake from this dream

Don't try to fix me I'm not broken

Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide

Don't cry

Sitting at my table with him by my side, eating my toast burnt around the edges, he shows me the paper. Look, he says. Wait till you see... I don't want to know, I don't, but I look instead at the ink stamped paper. There are your eyes staring so indifferently up at me, and my world is turned upside down. My toast catches in my throat and I cough, knocking my cup over, feeling the warm liquid seep through my robe and not even noticing how it burns. Oh, it burns...

Catch me as I fall

Say you're here and it's all over now

Speaking to the atmosphere

No one's here and I fall into myself

This truth drives me into madness

I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away

Tears in my eyes are mistaken for pain as he jumps to catch me, his emerald eyes wide and alarmed, supporting me and helping me up the stairs to my room. He lays me on my bed and sets a glass of water on my table before kissing me lightly and telling me to rest. He never asks and I never answer. Never. The door closes and you wash over me in waves, pounding, words burning in the back of my mind...Prison...life sentence...Death Eater...forever...gone...oh darling...oh my darling...

You don't remember me

But I remember you

I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you

But who can decide what they dream?

And dream I do...

I believe in you

I'll give up everything just to find you

I have to be with you to live to breathe

You're taking over me

He kisses me, brushing my plain brown hair behind my eyes as we lay together, wrapped up tightly in the covers against the cold night air. I love you, he tells me. I love you. I love you too. I do. He pulls me close and for once I do not see you watching me, your eyes as cold as I imagined if you were here... Warm and comfortable, I lean against him, allowing for just a moment my head to leave me and to float in blissful nothingness with only his body warm next to mine.

Closing your eyes to disappear

You pray your dreams will leave you here

But still you wake and know the truth

No one's there

I feel nothing as I slowly zip my bag, bringing the strap over my shoulder. It digs in as I descend the stairs, each step echoing in my head. Click...Click...Click... I find him sitting just as I left him, carefully reading his letters, unaware that one is missing, lost in the clench of my trembling fingers. I hesitate only for a moment before laying a piece of parchment on the stairs and slipping out the door without a sound.

My Dearest:

I have gone for a few days. Do not worry about me. There is something I must do.

Yours,

H

Fallen angels at my feet

Whispered voices at my ear

Death before my eyes

Lying next to me I fear

Eerie chords from an organ mingle with the whispers and muffled sobs that float about the sea of black. The stifling bleakness is broken only by a rainbow of petals and stems around the heavy dragon-wood box in the center of the hall. With a brim of black hiding my face and your lifeless body laid so solemnly before me, I break. Catching on my black cloak, my legs buckle, sounds of screaming pounding in my head as tears stream from my eyes, leaving trails on black down my cheeks. I break, but my body does not move. My mouth does not open, and my eyes are dry as I gaze down at you. You're so still love. So still... I am not afraid. Slowly I reach out and brush your cheek with my hand. Your skin feels cool and paper thin as my fingers drift the familiar path down your face. I have not forgotten it, love, for I have done this each night in my dreams. I feel a small tap on my shoulder and I turn, my fingers reluctant to leave your face to push my black brim above my eyes. A stranger is speaking to me, telling me to come with him. It is important he states, the matter of the Master's will. Something like surprise strikes me for a moment but quickly ebbs away when I turn back to you. So elegant you look in your black and emerald. And so cold. I kiss my fingertips and place them gently on your cool, perfect lips. For always, love. I smile slowly as a single tear trickles down my face. Slipping my hand into my pocket, I gaze at you one last time before turning back to the man and nodding. He nods sympathetically before, beckoning me to follow, striding towards the manor. I follow, slowly fingering the smooth gold circlet in my pocket. It's warm, and chipping in places, but it's still there. I walk, and it's only when the cool forest air hits me that I feel the steady stream of tears coursing numbly down my cheeks.

Give me a reason to believe that you're gone

I see your shadow so I know they're all wrong

Moonlight on the soft brown earth

It leads me to where you lay

They took you away from me but now I'm taking you home

The arched roof above my head echoes the acoustic patter of rain drops that have begun to fall as I stand unblinkingly. People mill about, coveting the finery scattered about the room, wondering which treasured items will pepper their walls and fine manors. The man that led me here stands with a long, fine looking parchment and they gather around him, faces solemn but eyes shining with greed. I do not move, rooted to the spot as the sky weeps, but remain on the edge, in the shadows. The little flame of interest I have in what I am about to receive is smothered by this crushing grief, the feeling of hitting the ground after an eternal freefall... What could you have to give me? I gave you everything, so many nights, so many tears, and my everlasting love. What could you possibly give me in return that could measure up to what you have taken? The hours seem like minutes as they drift on, the crowd dwindling away, the room slowly clearing. I stare at the ground into nothing. Miss? Pulled out of my head I glance up. The room is empty, the expensive emerald carpet and silver tinged walls bared except for the burning twin torches. The man before me looks weary, his face lined and sad. He holds out a small midnight velvet bag in the palm of his hands and offers a small smile. The Master wishes this to be yours. I take it in my hand, the soft velvet smooth against my fingers. He looks at me face hesitantly, scanning for signs of anger at such a small token. I give none, and he takes a step or two backwards. I'm sorry it is not much, he says quietly, and with a small nod he is gone, back towards his no doubt cozy chambers to rest, leaving me alone under the high stone ceiling.

How many times have I done this to myself

How long will it take before I see

When will this hole in my heart be mended

Who now is left alone but me

I stare at the velvet bag in my hand, not allowing myself to wonder, not allowing myself to hope... Please love, why do you still haunt me? Can't you leave me be? In a split second I decide, finger trembling as I slowly tilt the midnight sack upside down over my open palm, waiting. All time stands still as a ring of silver falls, cascading down onto my hand as the evening light hits it, making it spin and glint. I feel the cool metal hit my skin as it lies in my now still hand, and my eyes open in wonder. Never was anything so beautiful, so pure, and so precious as that small circle of silver, nothing in all the world. As it hits me, my knees buckle, making a dull thud as they hit the floor. But I am numb to the pain. I am numb to everything except for your love as it floods my senses. Warmth, light, and forgotten pain, and love, love, our love darling...... Suddenly, all my walls break and I cry. I cry as I never have before, tears of joy hitting the floor with tiny splashes, sobbing, for our love that is. That is. There is nothing that could ever, will ever, mean as much to me as your first and final gift to me: your love. And, sure as the circlet I clutch in my hand, even in death, our love goes on. Slowly I raise my face to the last of the light trickling in through the windows, and I stare up through wet lashes as the sky fades from its deep luminous glow, the exact shade of your eyes. Thank you love. Thank you for setting me free. I smile softly, and then reach into my cloak and pull out my circlet. I place it next to yours, the two metals shining against each other, the thick ring of silver dwarfing the fine one of gold. I gaze up once more at the quickly fading sky, feeling you there. In this life I must go back to what I have, but our love will stay with you for all eternity, until I can be with you again. I know what I must do. Carefully slipping the miniscule drawstring open, I let our rings fall, clinking softly as they land in their soft velvet bed. Then with the sack clutched tightly in my hand I turn, and without a second glance I flee out the doors as the church bells begin to ring, fearing I might be too late.

I will stay forever here with you
My love
The softly spoken words you gave me
Even in death our love goes on

I race across the empty churchyard, my breath freezing to a mist in the cool air. The only sounds are the beating of my heart, the ringing of the bells, and my feet pounding at the ground as I reach the graveyard, my eyes franticly searching for you. Suddenly, a glimpse of silver catches my eye as I spot your coffin amidst the few men milling about. One yells out something inaudible, and the lid is closed as they slowly begin to lower you into the ground. No! I run faster, run to you. No! Wait! They stop as I skid to a stop before them, leaving you suspended in midair. The man opens his mouth with harsh words, his face streaked with dirt and sweat, but I cut him off. Please. His face softens, and he shakes his head. Alright, alright. And with the grunts and groans of men the heavy box that you rest in is settled on the ground in front of me, and they step away. It is only you and me now. Slowly I raise the lid, struggling only a little, and look down at your face. A small tendril of your hair, blond as it was the first time I saw you, had fallen down your face, leaving you with an imperfect innocence. My fallen angel. I smile, the memories flooding back as I carefully brush it out of your face. Then, knowing I have little time, I slip the two rings out of their sack, my fingers trembling. Then I reach down to you, grasping your cool hand in mine, and slip first your circlet onto your ring finger, leaving it to reside where it had been for so many years. Then I carefully slide my own up next to it, leaving the two to rest together forever. I kiss your hand before laying it back down beside you, and gaze down at your face one last time, our promise of love unbroken. Then, my eyes, dry, I slowly close the heavy wooden lid before straightening my legs and standing up. I walk slowly away, my face raised to the now starry sky, the light of your love shining down on me, the small velvet bag crumpled in my hand. For always, love. For always.

Holding my last breath

Safe inside myself

Are all my thoughts of you

Sweet raptured light

It ends here tonight