Cavalry of Gerbils

Ah yes. I see you have all come here to the spot to help me ponder on about the Cavalry of Gerbils. It was an odd tale, but one that I would be glad to share. You see, it was a fine day at Malfoy Manor, but, of course, every day was a fine day there. My father always made sure that I had plenty of female companions around to keep me company. He used to tell me that `A man without women is not a man´. Very wise words. But then another time father told me `A hand in the sink is worth two in the toilet´. I guess my father was correct, but really, a toilet?

Well, getting back to the subject at hand. I was wondering around aimlessly in pure bliss at my stupidity when I figured something out. I thought to myself `Draco, you are such a babe. You should go to town and see how many hot sexy thangs you can flirt with´. So, naturally, I was off. Now this you must understand: Malfoy Manor had its own town so that my delicate skin did not have to brush up against any mudblood skin.

Well, it wasn´t exactly our town, but still, father cleaned it out regularly. It was such great fun back then. Seeing those stupid mudbloods crawling for forgiveness. Don´t look at me like that. Like I could help it that they were born with such disgusting blood. I mean jeez. That´s their own damn fault. They were asking for it all along. Wallowing in their own pity when they should have been wallowing in mine. Do you think it´s easy being the hottest man alive? Didn´t think so.

Anyways, I was walking and walking and walking until I felt a tap at my shoulder. It was my father. `Draco you idiot. You´re walking on the treadmill again. Now get off it and walk to town.´ I know what you´re thinking. `What a loser.´ But if you´re thinking that then you have a personal problem. Nothing sex wouldn´t fix. Oops. Did I say that? Of course I did. Did you really think I wouldn´t admit that? Of course you did. Git.

Well I keep seeming to get off track. Where was I? Ah yes. I finally got to town and then the first person I saw was Ginny Weasley. And I knew it was love a first sight as I stared into her eyes. NOT. What did you think this was? A love story? That´s for people not as suave as myself. And really. I was only eighteen and looking for a good time. Not the love of a century, which unfortunately I have found. *mumbling* Yes dear, sorry. I won´t say it again. Promise.

Sorry, lazy git of a wife got in my way. But to get back to the story for the final time. Promise. Okay I didn´t spy any hot babes looking for some action, so I wandered around some more. I found some weird pet store and decided to go inside. Well inside there were these crazy gerbils and I was like `Whoa. Those are some crazy-ass gerbils you got man´.

And the guy at the counter was like `Totally man. These are some crazy muthers. My boss man found `em in Zimbabwe. He was out drinking and found these gerbils and was all dancing with `em and stuff. They can do some crazy shit. One time I saw one of `em playing the flute and that was enough for me. But the best thing is that they are magnetic.´

I was sold and he knew it. `Just think of what you could do with all those gerbils,´ I thought to myself. So I bought 50 of the crappers, thinking I was being smart. Well when I got them all home it was another story. I´ve never seen anything like it. Shit was flying everywhere. But that was normal in my house. I have a father after all, and the two go hand in hand when dealing with gerbils and Voldemort.

Well, father wanted me to get rid of the little doodies and I was like `Not a chance.´ Then we had this crazy argument and Voldemort arrived cause he couldn´t sleep. I swear that man has the worst intestinal problems and he´s only.... well.... really old. Well when he arrived all the gerbils decided they were hungry and started chewing on his.... well........ you know the word. Which I can understand cause he does smell like candy. But I´m not gay. You know that don´t you.

Well at least your mom does.

Yes, that was quite uncalled for. But how could I resist? You´re so easy.... to make fun of. Okay well while those gay gerbils were chewing on his wanger, I decided to make my great escape. Out the window I went. But, being as smart as I am, I picked the wrong window. As I dove head first (pervert) into one of father´s cars I could hear father yelling at me.

Well as crazy stories go, this one has to be a pretty good one.

I quickly picked myself up and ran out of the garage but found myself face to face with Voldemort. I don´t think he was happy that my pets had drilled away at his package, but hey, he didn´t have much there to brag about anyway. So in a way I did him a favor. He won´t be gay anymore. Isn´t that happy? I should be called Draco Malfoy: Gay Exterminator.

It´s not that I don´t like it when people are happy, but when I have to see it.... It loses it´s magic, let me tell you. So then Voldemort decided to Avada Kedavra me which, I thought, was not necessary. I mean, I can´t help what my gerbils do, right? So I´m weaving my way around the grounds when- get this- my mom dumps the dirty water out of the window. It´s like `Thanks mom. I really wanted to smell like your dirty underwear.´

So that was really gross, right? Well I almost got walloped by Voldemort so I high-tailed out of there, but he´s fast, ya know? He can fly! (Peter Pan IS his favorite movie.) So I´m running and this crazy bitch is after me and then all of a sudden the front door burst open and like 5,000 gerbils came flying out! Okay it was more like 10,000! Or 50,000! Yes, 50,000 seems right.

Well these 50,000 gerbils come flying at my face and I ducked and they all flew into Voldemort. He fell on the ground, covered with gerbils. Thankfully, I always carried my camera with me. `Smile,´ I had told him. `This is such a Kodak moment!´ Voldemort had given me his best grin. It was such a great photo. It´s even hanging on our wall. Father was so proud. You see, I had gotten the angle of the photo so...

What´s that? You don´t care? Lazy git. Well as the story goes, all my gerbils defeated Voldemort by gnawing him to death. Crazy huh? And then they all ran off so I ran after them. But I didn´t catch any of them. So I had lost my pets AND lost my chance to be a death eater. But that was sort of good cause I didn´t want to be a gay death eater. I bet you were wondering why so many of them are male. Voldemort likes his companions.

But that´s not the end. Oh no. You see, the gerbils formed their own government in hopes of monopolizing our underground betting stations. They had taken the French Foreign Legion by storm when all of a sudden their president Crouton died of colic. `Twas sad really. He never got to meet his father. But the gerbils disbanded and were forced to go bad to the lowly pet shops they had tried so hard to escape from.

And in the very end I´d like to say that gerbils should never be trusted. Oh yes I loved my pets dearly. But not anymore. I would thank you for coming, but I´m a Malfoy. So get lost!