- Rating:
- PG-13
- House:
- The Dark Arts
- Characters:
- Remus Lupin Sirius Black
- Genres:
- Drama Slash
- Era:
- Multiple Eras
- Spoilers:
- Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Order of the Phoenix Quidditch Through the Ages Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
- Stats:
-
Published: 01/15/2005Updated: 01/15/2005Words: 1,008Chapters: 1Hits: 192
Cenotaph
Jabez
- Story Summary:
- Remus at 12 Grimmauld Place. Post-OotP. "Wide, rough scars on the wooden floor, still matching the shape of Buckbeak's talons. Soft velvet, worn and folded in blue layers on top of the cupboard - old curtains, the ones Remus sees in Black family portraits. No scent of Sirius here - not even on the stiff shirts in that chest of drawers, too formal for Sirius' tastes, no doubt only donned at his mother's command."
- Chapter Summary:
- Remus at 12 Grimmauld Place. Post-OotP.
- Posted:
- 01/15/2005
- Hits:
- 192
1. The attic.
Wide, rough scars on the wooden floor, still matching the shape of Buckbeak's
talons. Soft velvet, worn and folded in blue layers on top of the cupboard - old
curtains, the ones Remus sees in Black family portraits. No scent of Sirius here
- not even on the stiff shirts in that chest of drawers, too formal for Sirius'
tastes, no doubt only donned at his mother's command. (Remus imagines it: Sirius
stifled by a tight collar at dinner, imitating guests obscenely for Regulus'
benefit while Mrs. Black was looking elsewhere.)
Sirius' school broom leans by the cupboard - the original Starburst now dusty
with age, as smooth and warm as skin under the slope of Remus' palm. Remus
remembers it, clenched tight between his legs - his arms wound around Sirius'
waist, Sirius' hair wild and wind-whipped, his back hot against Remus' chest.
I've got you,
Remus would laugh into
Sirius' red, tingling ear - because Sirius felt like the Snitch, heart frantic
and fierce, fluttering quick as a bird under Remus' hand.
2.
The kitchen.
Sirius used to sip his whiskey there, by the mantel, standing still as though
keeping watch over the fire. His stubble was rough under Remus' fingers, the
back of his neck surprisingly soft - he'd put aside the glass then, sighing,
drinking instead of Remus' mouth.
But that was later. Remus remembers the fights, too: the flung crockery and
words spat like hexes, Sirius circling him with his teeth bared in a snarl. He
remembers standing there and shaking and saying everything he'd thought - saying
that twelve years was a long time, that he'd got used to living without Sirius,
to living with others, fucking others, that it'd become a habit to hate Sirius,
almost comfortable, and his life would have been easier had Sirius not returned.
He remembers the wrath in Sirius' eyes then, the hurt - not because Remus had
said what he'd said, but because it was true
. He remembers Sirius not touching him afterwards,
not looking at him for hours - as though a single word might cause an explosion
too big for them both - but Sirius had come to him later that night, eyes
glittering, and he'd fucked Remus with a vicious, quiet sort of determination,
hands wound so tight in Remus' hair that they hurt.
3.
The study.
Remus unfurls the old maps. Maps drawn in Sirius' hand, woven with spells
familiar to every one of the Marauders - maps made for the Order, to navigate
Death Eater territory, identifying each individual in casting range. Azkaban
hadn't taken this from him, it appears, because each of the spells are perfect -
Remus tests them out with his own wand, reconfigures them, sees only his own
name on the house's map. (
Strange
, Remus thinks. Sirius is gone, but I'm the ghost
.)
Remus runs a hand along the desk's dull edge, remembers pressing Sirius against
it: the taste of ink on Sirius' fingers, of sweat and dust along his
collar-bone, of sour whiskey in his mouth.
"You've ruined another one," Sirius would say later, sounding almost
chagrined - and Remus would turn to see ink spattered from the fallen quill,
blots spoiling another set of carefully drawn lines.
4.
The bedroom.
Remus isn't alone in the house now, since Shacklebolt left Harry and young Ron
Weasley behind - but Remus doesn't talk much to them, essentially because they
keep to themselves. He sees them whispering with their heads bent together
sometimes, much like James and Sirius used to do. It isn't until he finally
gathers the courage to visit the bedroom, Sirius' bedroom, that Remus finds out
- they've undone the wards around it, basic though they were, because the door
opens too easily and Remus enters to find Harry curled on Sirius' bed.
Harry's face is no longer damp with tears, but Remus can still smell the salt of
them; Harry's asleep, strangely out of place, too young on the old sheets of
this bed.
Part of Remus feels angry, in a dim, tired sort of way, to have the solitude of
this memory taken from him - to not be able to curl up there himself, smell
Sirius' scent, think of waking up with Sirius' body warm against his. But it's
an old wound that Remus knows better than to open, and perhaps it's better that
Harry's here; perhaps it's better that Remus leaves, quietly, before Harry opens
his eyes and starts asking questions. Before Remus realises that, with his
(Lily's) eyes closed, Harry looks more like Sirius than James.
5.
The foyer.
It's quiet, and only a little past sunset, when Remus leaves. He has his
tattered robe on, the one that's served him so well for so many years - years
without Sirius, without himself. The candelabra jangles slightly, as if a Nargle
or two might be nesting in its webbed holders; the shadows shift silently,
curling around the wall where Mrs. Black's portrait used to be.
Remus decides not to look back up the staircase - decides not to remember Sirius
there, laughing, eyes no longer hollow as he led Harry up the stairs. He decides
not to linger a moment more - decides not to remember Albus' words, asking him
to stay, asking him to keep himself safe, because Harry needs him now.
The splintered door swings open. Remus steps out into the cooling air. Time for
him to disappear again, for a few years, until time calls him forth again; Albus
hadn't understood, and Remus hadn't been able to tell him, but Harry doesn't
need Remus now. Not yet, not while Sirius is still so alive
here, his voice still
echoing in the kitchen, in the attic, on the stairs. No. Remus has to leave,
because he has to understand that Sirius is dead
- he has to leave because he's of no use to anyone,
not here, not like this, not haunting this house in which Sirius had lived.
fin.