Harry Potter in Fan Fiction Land-The Slash Version

Author’s notes: This is...I don’t really know what this is actually. The idea popped into my head and I thought I’d write it out. It’s short and sweet and will hopefully inspire at least a few laughs.

Harry in Fan Fiction Land - the Slash Version

It is a fine summer day in England...somewhere... and an adolescent named Harry Potter stands at the top of the stairs of his despicable relatives’ home. He has just completed his fifth year at Hogwarts...which is also in England...somewhere...and he is bored.

Harry (to himself): Should I go downstairs and be a surly pain-in the ass to my evil relatives or should I stay in my room and sulk?

He thinks about it, carefully weighing his options and trying to decide what would be the best way to deal with his miserable life.

Harry (to himself again): My life would be so much easier if all these braniac wizards would just get me some fricking counseling.

He finally decides to go downstairs and be a pain-in-the ass. But just as he begins to walk down the staircase he missteps and goes tumbling down the stairs.

Harry (to himself yet again): Now I’ve done it. I am so screwed.

Expecting to be in a world of hurt, Harry is surprised when he lands easily and vertically in a huge white room. There are chairs and sofas scattered throughout the room and sitting in them are people whom he recognizes. Basically, everyone he has ever known in his life. He looks around in confusion and soon spots Hermione walking towards him. His eyes almost pop out of his head from the extreme shock.

Harry: Hermione? Is that really you?

Hermione: Why of course Harry? Who else would it be?

Harry: But you’re...you’re...

Hermione puts a hand on her hip and waits.

Hermione: I’m what?

Harry: You’re gorgeous! All hot and sexy and...

Hermione smiles and wiggles her ass.

Harry: And what is that thing you’re wearing? Do you really think your parents would approve?

Hermione: Are you talking about my leather corset? Or my leather mini-skirt? Or the leather thigh high boots? Anyway...I don’t know why you’re acting so surprised. You’ve seen all this before.

Harry: I have?

Hermione: Sure. This is how I always dress here. Once I discovered hair straightening products and makeup, that is.

Harry (trying hard not to stare at Hermione’s cleavage, but failing miserably): Ooookay...And where exactly is here?

Hermione: Fanfiction land, of course.

Harry: Fanfiction land?

Hermione: Yes. The slash version.

Harry (calmly): Oh of course. I should have known.

Pause...

Harry (not so calmly): What the bleeding hell is fanfiction land?!

Hermione: Are you feeling all right, Harry? Did you hit your head?

Before Harry can answer, he spots another familiar face walking towards them. He subconsciously goes into battle mode.

Harry: Bloody hell, Malfoy’s coming.

And sure enough, Draco Malfoy is coming straight towards Harry and Hermione, wearing ass hugging jeans and an even tighter black Muggle t-shirt. And a really sexy smile.

He walks straight over to Harry and gives him a peck on the cheek.

Draco: Hey baby.

Harry stumbles backwards, rubbing his cheek vigorously.

Harry: I’m contaminated! I’ve got Malfoy cooties! Help me! Somebody help me!

Hermione: Harry will you calm down? You and Draco are always shagging each other rotten. What’s the big deal about a little peck on the...

Suddenly a mysterious voice from somewhere overhead interrupts Hermione.

Mysterious voice: Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley, please report to fanfiction number 650,232. The category is fluff.

Hermione: Oooh! I love fluff! Gotta go.

Hermione waves and walks away.

Harry watches her go, too dazed by the words “shagging each other rotten” to do much of anything.

Draco: So are you over your little snit yet?

Harry: Did...did she just say that we shag each other all the time?

Draco: Yes.

Harry: Did she mean it?

Draco: Yes.

Harry: But you and I hate each other. We despise each other. I can’t possibly shag you...you’re an evil git.

Draco (rolls his eyes): Oh come on, Harry. We’ve been over this. We all know that I was an evil git because of my physically abusive and tyrannical father and my cold, emotionally distant mother.

Harry: We do?

Draco: Yes! And that all I needed to turn my life around was the love of a good man, because I am so obviously gay.

Harry: And that good man is me?

Draco: Most of the time yes. I mean, surely you see by now that all our fighting is just our way of expressing our forbidden love and releasing our pent up sexual tension?

Harry: We have sexual tension?

Draco: Of course we do.

Harry: I think I’m going to be sick.

Draco: You’re such a kidder, Harry.

Harry’s about to fall to his knees and start spewing when he remembers something...

Harry: Wait a minute! You said most of the time I’m the good man that turns your life around and releases...well, you know. So does that mean that sometimes someone else shags you rotten?

Draco: It’s not all about sex, Harry. But yes, sometimes it’s Ron that releases me from my emotionally stunted state.

Harry: Ron?

Draco: And sometimes it’s Snape. And sometimes it’s...

Mysterious voice: Draco Malfoy and Lucius Malfoy, please report to fanfiction number 650,233. The category is angst.

A pause...

Mysterious voice: Bring lots of lube.

Draco shudders.

Draco: Merlin, I hate it when they pair me with my father. It’s just so...so...unnatural.

Harry gapes.

Harry: You have to go have sex with your father?

Draco: Yes. The fanfic writers are some very depraved people. Very depraved. Well, gotta go! I just hope he doesn’t beat me in this one.

Harry watches Draco walk away. He puts one hand on his forehead.

Harry: Nope. No fever. So I’m not delirious. Well obviously I landed really hard on the bottom of the stairs and I’m in some sort of coma and I’m having horrible coma dreams.

He nods happily.

Harry: Yes, that’s it.

He continues nodding happily until he sees that Ron is now approaching him. He smiles and waves. Ron comes over.

Ron: My you look happy. Did you and Snape just have a PWP?

Harry: What? No. I’m in a coma, silly.

Ron: You’re not in a coma Harry. You’re fine and healthy.

Harry: I have to be in a coma, Ron, because this place is just too strange for it to be real.

Ron: What? Fanfiction land - the slash version? Harry, you’ve never complained about it being strange before. You like it here.

Harry: I do?

Ron: Well, sure, who wouldn’t? Unless you land in one of those non-con stories...

Ron shudders from what are obviously painful memories.

Harry: All right, Ron. I’ll play along. I’m here in fanfiction land. Slash version. So what exactly goes on here, anyway?

Ron (looking at him suspiciously): Well, all right. This is the place where fans write stories about us. In fanfiction land - the slash version, we’re all gay and we have to act out the plots. Or lack of plots. Is this ringing any bells?

Harry: So Malfoy and I really do have sex here?

Ron: Well yes. But it’s not just Malfoy, Harry. You have sex with all the men here. You’re very popular.

Harry (gulps): Do I have sex with you?

Ron: Bloody hell Harry. How thick are you? You know the fan fic writers love us. They believe that what appears to be platonic love between us is really a deep smoldering passion just waiting to be ignited.

Harry (stunned): Well damn.

Mysterious voice: Ron Weasley and Severus Snape. Please report to fanfiction number 650,234. The category is PWP...hope you had your Wheaties this morning.

Ron: Hmmm...Snape again. Well, I suppose it could be worse. It could always be Dumbledore.

Harry watches as Ron leaves. His mind is in complete turmoil. He has now come to believe that he is not in a coma, but has entered some sort of alternate reality. A reality where he has sex with everybody that sports a penis. He is starting to feel slightly nauseous again when Hermione and Ginny come up to him, each of them smoking a cigarette.

Harry: Hermione, Ginny, what is a PWP?

Hermione: It means “porn without plot”. That’s basically a story that has no real plot and is just an excuse for the characters to have lots of wild monkey sex.

Harry (looking disgusted): And Ron is going to have sex with Snape?

Ginny: Don’t let Ron fool you. He tells me Snape is one of the best; he loves it when he gets paired with him.

Harry is two seconds away from dropping to the ground and spewing when Lucius and Draco Malfoy return.

Harry: You’re back. Both of you. Lucky me.

Lucius: You are so hot when you’re sarcastic, luv.

Harry: Ewww...

Just then, Harry notices that more people are walking towards them. He spots Oliver and Marcus Flint holding hands.. He sees Seamus and Dean arm in arm with Neville right behind them pinching their asses. He also sees Dumbledore and Remus and Sirius. Behind them is Cedric (who apparently did not really die) and following him...a whole gaggle of Death Eaters dressed in cloaks and masks. And following THEM...all the other men of the Weasley clan. And finally, last but not least, Colin and Dennis Creevy...and Dobby.

They all gather around Harry with expectant looks on their faces. Except for the Death Eaters. Who the hell knows what their faces are doing behind those masks.

Harry (confused): Why are you all here?

Draco: Isn’t it obvious, Harry?

Harry stares at him blankly..

Draco: Damn, it’s a good thing you’re pretty. All right, your name hasn’t been called in a while, so chances are you’ll be called soon. Everyone just wants to see who gets to shag you next.

Harry: But why would you all care?

Anonymous Death Eater: Because you’re the best shag in fanfiction land Harry.

Harry: I am?

Hagrid: You can do things with a wand and a tube of lube that no one else has ever seen.

Harry turns towards Hagrid.

Harry: Hagrid no! Not you too!

Hagrid rubs his hands together eagerly.

Hagrid: You and I don’t get paired up often. But you never know, today might be my lucky day.

Harry (to himself): I have got to get out of here. I have got to get out of this reality. Must go back to my own world. And once I’m back I’m going to give all the Dursleys a big kiss and never complain again.

Voldemort (who has apparated out of nowhere with Wormtail at his side): Oh, please let it be me! Let it be me!

Marcus Flint: Oh no, me! I never get to shag Harry. It’s so unfair!!

Cedric: What about it Draco? Is he really as good as they say? Seeing as you shag him every other fic and all...

Harry doesn’t hear Draco’s response. He’s too busy feeling insulted over the fact that everyone is talking about him as if he were a piece of meat. And yet he feels strangely flattered at the same time.

But strangely flattered or not, Harry decides that it’s time to get the hell out of Dodge. He looks around desperately for an escape. Maybe a door that says -“Your reality is this way” or something.

But just then...

Mysterious voice: Harry Potter and...

A hush of anticipation falls over the crowd. All the men look up, hope shining in their eyes.

Mysterious voice: Draco Malfoy, please report to fanfiction number 650,235. The category is mpreg.

Everyone except Draco: Damn!

Draco: Well, here we go again Harry.

Harry stares at Draco.

Harry (to himself): No way! There is no way I’m going to shag Draco. I mean look at him. He’s a slimy git. Why would I want to shag him? Just because he is mildly attractive and has great lips and a great body and hair to die for...

Harry shakes his head to rid himself of these vile, disgusting thoughts. And that’s when he sees it. A huge neon sign with an arrow under it that says, “your reality is this way.”

Harry: Now why didn’t I see that before?

Draco: See what before? Harry, we have to get a move on. I’m sure the author is anxious to get started.

Harry looks at Draco, who is looking more and more like a Slytherin sex god every minute. Then he looks at the sign, which promises a return to the sane world. He looks at Draco again, then the sign. Then Draco, then the sign.

Draco raises one eyebrow. He seems to sense Harry’s predicament. He licks his lips seductively.

Harry: Oh fuck it all! My reality isn’t all that great anyway. I mean, stupid wizards still haven’t gotten me any counseling.

Draco grabs his hand and begins to move him forward.

Draco: Yes, Harry. Stupid wizards...whatever you say.

Harry lets himself get dragged along, finding himself looking forward to shagging Malfoy when a thought suddenly occurs to him.

Harry: Draco?

Draco: Hmmm?

Harry: What’s an mpreg?