Harry Potter and the Dragon

XVIII

Mayhem

Mrs. Weasley had woken up as pot-bellied as always, so, sighing through her long spout, she realized that the curse hadn't been broken yet. The household had heard both boy and dragon walking happily towards the latter's den late at night, but it seemed that the celebrations for the good news had been performed a little too soon. Well, there was an obvious progress. Maybe today, or tomorrow, the lady kettle thought optimistically, arranging a nice tray with breakfast to be taken to the dragon's den, as a secret means of obtaining information right from the possible scene of tryst.

On her way to the dungeons, the teapot and her cup kids came across Lupin and Snape, who were looking excessively disgruntled. Before she could even question them, Lupin blurted out: "We're fucked up! This is all wrong, all wrong!!"

"For Albus' sake! What happened, Remus?"

"The boy's gone!! He's gone!!"

"And Master's coming. He's - he'll be here in a few minutes..." Even Snape the clock, who had always spat one syllable at a time, wasn't flowing synchronically. "He summoned everybody, he said he had an announcement to - to make..."

"WHAT?! But, why -?"

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM...!!! Suddenly, the indelicate steps of the dragon were distinctively heard, storming towards the upper stories.

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM...!!! The household objects sprouted from every direction, scared, puzzled, mouthing the news to their mates, leaping, sweeping, creeping all over the place.

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!!! The dragon stopped in the hall, the place where not long ago, a half-giant had accidentally propelled a cannonball of a spell over those who surrounded him, a spell that, in Muggletongue, would be called fate. In that room, where everything had started, the dragon chose to voice his will. As a deafening, unexpected thunder, his words erupted through the silence the summoned objects were fearfully keeping.

"Servants!!! Inhabitants of this manor!!!... You have been doomed for being noble and faithful!!!... A long time ago, a cruel bastard came to our home, and for what he -in spite of his evil nature- blatantly called a character flaw, condemned me, and you, my hundred right hands, to a lifetime of suffering and shame!!!..."

The manor objects stood at a healthy distance around their Master, eyes bright from fear, mouths gaping or clenched from concern. No hiss was brave enough to rival the beast's miserable monologue.

"However, when Misfortune the bitch picks up a flower from the bed of mankind, she pins it to her bosom to regale it with her everlasting charm... I'm nothing but a rotten stem, pathetically clinging from her putrid robes. I'm her favorite toy, the puppet she let ungracefully fall in the path of an idle sorcerer, fond of forcing moronic morals on people, just to let me come across another... a wizard who was never aware of delivering a most virulent lesson... that states that every single thing we base our wretched lives upon is second to the most insane and destructive of the human fevers..."

Objects exchanged looks; they were not very sure of what their Master was talking about. They understood after hearing the third and final stage of the speech.

"Both as beast-like shape and battered soul, I'm dead. And as a dead thing, I'm not bound to lead my behavior according to the rules of the living. I'll do, for once, as I please, and I happen to crave for cursing those guilty of creating a person who's not even capable of dealing with his own existence... I'll curse my ancestors in the only way I can... But I don't fail to see that you're not required to go through all that... Therefore, I'll give you five minutes, five long minutes that will be nothing but furious wind to my incipient flames of vengeance, for you to either escape the manor, hide in a crack, commit suicide, or jump down the privy. Then, I'll be tearing this fucking house down. That's all. You may leave."

Most of the transformed servants spared no time in thinking what to do: they just fled shamelessly, grabbing their relatives in their haste, shouting warnings, screaming incoherencies. Lupin, Snape and Mrs. Weasley stood openmouthed amidst the mayhem, looking at each other and Master, who was frozen like a tropical reptile waiting to catch a tropical fly.

The candlestick, daringly, moved closer to the dragon. "Master... Master, what happened? Master -?"

"You three... Go away. Snape, you don't want to be here once the five minutes have passed. If you insist on staying, I'll use you to check the time. GO AWAY, STUPID!! GO AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!"

The objects didn't reply. They simply did, as always, what they were told. So they left.

***

It had been a while since the sun had reached its zenith and was no longer bothering Harry's eyes. As the boy was now getting most of its rays right in the top of his head, he put his cloak cap on. Inside his pocket, Ron was resting silently; he had no choice, flying made talking difficult. Anyway, Harry had no particular topic to discuss with the cup; he was now immersed in the desperate search for Hagrid.

He had already covered most of the high peaks and found nothing. Not that that worried him, quite the opposite. He had used the mirror the beast had given him on many more occasions, and those refreshing perspectives had retrieved him with the certainty that, first of all, the half-giant had been lying in the middle of a landscape that looked like a lower territory and, second and last, that he was alive, since the setting of his painful state had changed at least once.

Three more hours had to pass before Harry spotted the limping outline of a man two times the size of a normal one. Almost crying from relief and emotion, Harry called his guardian, landed by him, performed the obvious, tearful talking, found Buckbeak (who had been keeping himself safe during most of that horrible expedition), and arranged their imminent departure towards their beloved cabin.

It was night when they could finally rest their aching limbs on their dear beds. As Harry was in better conditions than Hagrid, he was the one to perform the nursing duties. The boy was not hurt at all; he was just feeling somehow sour. But he preferred to make up his mood in the light of his friends' utter happiness.

"... and then Pantagrua, the fool, didn' let me explain tha' he was goin' ter get all the dragon's meat fer himself... Ha ha ha... gluttonous prat... he smacked poor Gargantuel so hard tha' I thought it was cruel not ter interfere... I don' know how long I was out... When I woke up -"

"How come you're alive?!" the little cup expressed his astonishment by jumping anxiously in Hagrid's hand.

"They're family, yeh know. They'd never hurt them kin," said Hagrid earnestly.

"But - but it was them who beat you to a pulp!! It was those two stupid, sadistic oafs -!"

"Hey, hey, hey! Don' start insultin' me people!!" Hagrid stated hotly.

Harry sighed deeply and let his head rest in his pillow. He was in no need of arguments. Yes, it was truth, everything had come out right: he had rescued Hagrid, he had taken Ron to live with them, both seemed to be getting along well; in fact, Harry reckoned that probably both he and the cup would be soon sharing Hagrid's attention equally, and that didn't affect him in the way he supposed it would: feeling what a single child feels when turning into an older sibling.

There was something else that had been bothering him, but he could not make out what it was. He had done the right thing. He had saved Hagrid like any loving, brave, and daring son would. He had fled with Ron, like any faithful, kind, and compassionate mate would. He was a good son (to a half-giant), and a good friend (to a cup). But what happened with him? More importantly than being a son, or a friend, he was Harry! Had he been a good Harry? What was it that he had to do in order to be happy himself?

Not paying attention to the noise of non-completely-human voices that filled the cabin, Harry launched his tired mind into an interesting quest to find the Holy Grief, the reason why he was not enjoying this absolutely picturesque moment. His knighted brain hadn't even put the helmet on when it was interrupted by someone knocking at the front door. As he was the official nurse, cook, and doorkeeper tonight, Harry had to comply.

Another job added to the list, though: bouncer. "What are you doing here, you bitch!! Fuck off!" Harry shouted while trying to close the door, to prevent Gilderoy Lockhart, white smile and blue gaze, from entering the cabin.

"No, Harry! No!! Please...! Don't do that to me!!" cried Gilderoy, forcing the door open and moaning as if Harry was actually biting his fingers off.

"Wha's happenin'? WHA'S HAPPENIN'??!" Hagrid rose from his bed with such an energy that made Ron the cup wonder if the half-giant was hurt at all.

"We've been waiting for you, abominable criminals!" bellowed the blond.

Hagrid, in spite of Harry's protests, flung the door open. Outside, lit by torches, there was a short, repulsive woman smiling through lips as long as sausages, flanked by Peter the Wormtail, Cornelius the Amebabrain, Igor the Goatlover, Zacharias the Ladchaser, and backed by a pack of Dementors, the Black Kissers.

"Wha's this?" asked Hagrid, shocked.

"We've been informed of your insistence in coming back to this town, haven't we?" Gilderoy said, turning gracefully around to address the crowd. Then he added, smirking at Hagrid, "Now, what do you have to say about that?"

Hagrid glared, shrugged, and angrily retorted, "YES! We're back! 'Tis OUR HOME! No foul foe will make us leave!"

"Oh, really? Really???" inquired Gilderoy, hand on hip. "Well, let's say no more, then. Dementors! Come here and take them!"

"NO!" cried Harry desperately. "NO! You can't do that! Under what charges are you-?" He had to stop, for a retching feeling took over. Gilderoy was moving closer to him, a passionate expression deforming his doltish face. "It's all because of you, you damn cocksucker! It was you who started all this!" the boy spat through gritted teeth.

"What's the matter, my snappish Harry? I suppose you're back 'cause you're already done with that beast of yours, aren't you?? How long did it take you to kill it? Or it took you this long 'cause you enjoyed the pleasure of eating him alive? Did you have fun torturing that worthless dragon?"

"Shut up, you sick fuck, just SHUT UP! The dragon may be fierce, but I'd never lay a finger on him! On you, though...!!" Harry lost words in his search for control. He knew that punching the poof wouldn't play a pretty part in front of Dolores Umbridge.

"Ooooohhh!!!" Gilderoy made the vowel go through a whole octave. "Maybe," he looked sideways, blue irises displayed in full. "Maybe you and that awful beast share pastimes, don't you? Maybe it was that beast who actually taught Harry Potter all the wicked things he knows -!"

"Gilderoy, you better get away from that boy! He looks dangerous! You could end up hurt!" emitted Dolores shrilly.

"Don't worry, Dolores. Luckily it's me who's risking his life, standing close to this maniac. Let us keep you safe. So you can safely impose the kiss penalty on these two abject criminals!"

"NO! Yeh can' do tha'! If those dementors kiss Harry or me, I swear I'll go ter the Ministry an' raise charges agains' yeh!!"

"Hagrid! What are you -?" Harry turned to cast a puzzled look at his father-friend.

"You wouldn't do that!" exclaimed Gilderoy scandalized.

"He he he... Don't worry Gilderoy... Let him go! He he he!" sniggered Dolores. Harry heard her and wished her to have a life according to her name. "They don't know it's me who gets the claims," she whispered to Cornelius, who was the nearer. The man of the bowled head laughed heartily.

"They have to be kissed right away!" decided Gilderoy. "Pity, Harry, that you're getting a kiss for not wanting to give one," the blond hissed, winking cruelly. "Dolores, make your dark, tall, lean... er... where was I? Oh yeah! Make your dark, tall friends come here, and let's get this over with!"

"NO!" shouted Harry for a second time. "If you do that, the dragon, my friend, will come here and destroy the village in revenge!! I'll let him know what you're doing!!"

Harry produced the mirror, and in spite of knowing that it was impossible to speak with the beast, he supposed it could frighten such a bunch of idiots. "Show me the dragon!" he shouted, raising his hand for everyone to see the funny little light threads and get scared at the sight.

The concurrence stood paralyzed. They saw how the strange device emitted a diabolical brightness, and then the terrifying display of flames and destruction the beast was causing. "Unbelievable!" said someone, "Impossible!" said someone else, and they all momentarily forgot the kissing performance they had come for. But Gilderoy, cunning and mean, observed the epical expression possessing Harry's face, and grabbing the virtual blade that was poisoning him with jealousy, he cut in.

"It's a monster!! A horrible monster!! If it's on these fiends' side, we have to exterminate it before exterminating them!! A killing mission before a kissing one!! Let's go to the dragon's den and LET THE MASSACRE BEGIN!!!!!" The blond raised his arm, fist clenched and a purple vein in temple pumping hard.

"But, but, Gilderoy! We can't go and raid the dragon's den just like that! We don't even know where it is!" said Cornelius sheepishly.

"Yeah, Gild! We're not enough people to face that monster! You saw it! Walking on hind legs, shooting fire through the snout, tearing down walls, screaming like a demon... An abhorring sight no man could ever enjoy watching! Let alone fighting!" Zacharias voiced emphatically, sharply removing his blond bangs from his eyes.

"You must know, Gilderoy, that I've heard that not long ago, some Muggle village -"

"Ha ha ha!" laughed Harry acidly, shadowing Umbridge's chanted speech. "You pathetic cowards! What are you waiting for? GO! Go and raid his den! You'll see what you get!!"

"There's a way," hissed Igor, hand in chin. "I have this ship, well, it's a bit smaller, more like... a boat, but a big one! ... And I happen to know a very interesting technique, an effective way to combine curses that we six can perform -"

"A boat?" interrupted Gilderoy, frowning. "Does the beast live in a lake?"

"No, dear! You're so silly! A flying boat! We can fly above the woods. That way, we'll be able to find this manor... Hagrid mentioned it when he came to the pub looking for help, don't you remember? And in that manor, we can plunder the place after we kill the beast! Isn't it a great idea?!"

"Yeah, great!" said Harry smirking. "Please, don't waste your time! The dragon's waiting for you all -!"

"Look! He wants us away so he and the half-breed can escape!" Dolores smirked back.

"No way," said Gilderoy, completing the smirking trio. "They'll come with us. We can use the Crucio-lover as bait... and then, he can help us torture his friend...

"NEVER!!!" Harry shouted.

But as he was busy getting angry, he didn't realize that a ratty voice, muttering a spell, shrieked at his back. And unexpectedly - not that Harry knew - the Stunning Spell hit him hard in between the shoulder blades and he fainted. Hagrid turned around, a growl barely forming in his throat, when the other five chorused the same incantation, aiming at him.

After cackling as evil-doers always do, the Inquisitorial Squad locked a stunned Harry and Hagrid inside the barn. They swore at the top of their voices that once the beast was dead, they would be back to grant them demented, torrid kisses. Then they left hastily, in order to plan their raid carefully, since "it's not everyday that we get to pillage a castle!" as Cornelius so well described it.

The only creature that had taken no part in the scene and had remained unnoticed was Ron the cup, who, in order to help his new housemates, jumped nervously out of the cabin, spinning constantly to see if there was someone lurking, and arrived to the barn to enter through a gap once his dizziness was over.