Snape and the Holy Mistake

Int. Dungeons

Snape frowns in concentration while stirring the contents of a cauldron.

TRELAWNEY: Severus!

Snape yelps and lets go of the...

(I can't remember what they use to stir, so let's just say it's a spoon, ok?)

...er... spoon.

Neo enters my room dragging a bald kid. He grabs me by the lapels of my jacket_

(but I'm not wearing a jacket!)

_and shakes me violently while screaming about there being no spoon.

SNAPE: Merlin's beard, Sibyl! Do you really need to shout so?

He waves the smoke that gathered about the dungeon from Trelawney's incense burner thing like the ones they use in church and I should really know what they're called but I don't.

TRELAWNEY: I've just had the most horrid prediction, Severus! I've left the tower as soon as the vision ended to warn you of your impending doom!

Snape nods distractedly.

He scoops a spoonful of the potion and tastes it.

He frowns.

SNAPE: Tell me, dear, do you think this chicken soup lacks salt?

Trelawney leans in and tastes it.

TRELAWNEY: It could use another pinch, yes.

[beat]

TRELAWNEY: Now, what was I... Oh, yes! Doom!

She makes freakish wiggle motions with her fingers causing her bracelets to rattle irritatingly.

SNAPE: Really? What is it this time, dear?

TRELAWNEY: You are in great peril!

SNAPE: Well then, why don't you go back to your tower so I can face the peril on my own?

TRELAWNEY: You mustn't! It's too perilous!

Galahad peeks into the dungeon and shouts accusingly at Trelawney.

GALAHAD: I bet you're gay!

He leaves.

TRELAWNEY: I've seen in my crystal ball a man in black walking in the dungeons_

SNAPE: How unusual.

TRELAWNEY: _suddenly a light of an evil colour invaded the dungeon_

SNAPE: And what colour would that be, dear?

TRELAWNEY: _and the man in black fell cloven!

Will Smith enters the dungeons holding a mike.

ME: Oh no you don't!

I push him out of there, apologising profusely to Snape and Trelawney.

TRELAWNEY: Then the vision vanished and was replaced by the reflection of my strikingly beautiful visage.

SNAPE: You really must clean that ball.

TRELAWNEY: I'm serious, Severus! Visions are not to be taken lightly! Had you the inner eye and you would understand!

SNAPE: I do have an inner eye! Although it's not that much 'inner', now that I've been working out, but before, when I was rather flabby, it was quite_ (coughs) Sibyl, dear, your predictions are often wrong, I don' t think we should take this seriously.

TRELAWNEY: I've had a lot of predictions that turned out to be right!

SNAPE: Like?

TRELAWNEY: Before we were united in the flesh_

SNAPE: (shudders) Must you use that expression?

TRELAWNEY: _I used to constantly foresee that you would make love to me like a wild animal!

SNAPE: Hmmm. Maybe you're on to something.

He scoops another spoonful of soup.

SNAPE: How's now?

Int. Snape's rooms

Trelawney is reading the future by throwing coffee beans to a tabletop and reading their positions. The combined noise of the coffee beans skipping about the table and her bracelets is annoying Snape's pet bat Bruce.

COFFEE BEANS: I make you lose calcium through your urine!

Snape enters the room wearing his usual black robes.

SNAPE: Good morning, my love!

He makes his way to the door.

TRELAWNEY: You're not going out wearing THAT, are you?

SNAPE: Noooo! These are my 'wear-it-to-the-door' clothes.

TRELAWNEY: You can't go out wearing black! My vision showed a man in black!

SNAPE: So what am I supposed to wear?

Trelawney jumps up and dances her way towards Snape's couch. She picks up bright green robes.

SNAPE: (a look of abject horror on his face) NO!

He backs away slowly.

Trelawney's eyes fill up with toast crumbs. (Everyone always uses tears; I thought I'd be original)

TRELAWNEY: B-b-b-but they're green!

Kermit: And it's not easy!

TRELAWNEY: I chose slytherin-y robes. All I want is to keep you safe! Those horrible nightmarish visions_

SNAPE: Alright! I'll wear them!

Int. Great Hall

Snape and Trelawney are eating porridge. Snape steals nervous glances about the hall.

SNAPE: (whispers) They're looking at me all funny!

TRELAWNEY: Don't be silly! I've foreseen it! It will all be fine!

STUDENT # 1: Hey! Look! It's the ghost of St. Patrick's Day Past!

Wild laughter.

TRELAWNEY: It's just your imagination, Severus! No one's even noticed you're not wearing black.

STUDENT #2: Everyone, keep away from Snape's Lucky Charms!

Wild laughter.

TRELAWNEY: I mean, if they had noticed they'd surely have made some comments by now!

STUDENT #3: Hey, Snape! Where's the end of the rainbow? I want some gold!

Wild laughter.

TRELAWNEY: Don't you think so, Severus? Severus?

Snape is nowhere to be found.

Int. Dungeons

Snape is giving a boring lecture about potions.

The students giggle occasionally but are immediately silenced with a glare.

SNAPE: ...and so the arse furuncle-diminishing potion has done our society much good. And this potion's main ingredient would be, Mr. Weasley?

FRED AND GEORGE: Which one?

SNAPE: The main one.

FRED AND GEORGE: No, which of us?

SNAPE: George.

GEORGE: What was the question again?

SNAPE: The potion's main ingredient, Mr. Weasley, while we're still young, please.

GEORGE: Four-leaf clovers?

Everyone laughs.

SNAPE: That does it! Twenty points from Gryffindor, Mr. Weasley! Everyone out!

The students don't need to be told twice and they quickly make their way out of there.

As soon as they're out, Snape locks the dungeon's door and makes his way through the castle.

Int. Transfiguration's Class

McGonagall is lecturing about something boring to do with transfiguration. (I don't know, I'm getting tired)

The door opens and Snape peeks in.

SNAPE: (loud whisper) Minerva! Pssst! Minerva!

MCGONAGALL: ...and then Flamel turned himself into an ant. Not for long, of course! After all ants don't get much tail! (Unless they do. Someone should check that out, because I don't know.)

OLIVER: (jabbing Percy on the shoulder) ...So my real name is Wood and my alias is Biggerstaff! AH! AH! Ah! Get it, Perce? Wood-Biggerstaff! Get it? Huh? Huh? HUH?

PERCY: (apathetically) Fascinating.

MCGONAGALL: Mr. Wood! Kindly pay attention! It's the second tim_

SNAPE: Pssst! Minerva!

MCGONAGALL: (noticing Snape) _huh, er, everyone open your books in page 236 and get to work.

She exits the classroom.

MCGONAGALL: What is it, Severus?

SNAPE: I need your help.

MCGONAGALL: Hold on a tick!

She scampers off and returns dragging a frightened Terence Higgs by his arm.

HIGGS: What have you found out?

[beat]

HIGGS: I mean, what have I done? I swear, we only smeared ourselves with honey and licked it off for the laughs! Adrian and I aren't gay!

[uncomfortable silence]

MCGONAGALL: (clears her throat) Mr. Higgs, be quiet. Now, Severus, would you kindly repeat what you just said in front of a witness?

SNAPE: Minerva, I_

MCGONAGALL: Now, now, Severus. No pain, no gain!

SNAPE: (sighs) I need your help.

MCGONAGALL: (grinning madly) HA!

She pats Higgs on the head.

MCGONAGALL: You can go back to the classroom. Oh, and Mr. Higgs, we'll discuss yours and Mr. Pucey's behaviour later. We can't have that! Honey is very difficult to get rid of. Why, I remember once, when Albus and I_ (coughs)

Higgs and Snape look horror struck.

MCGONAGALL: That'll be all Mr. Higgs. Severus, you were saying.

SNAPE: I'm horrible at transfiguration, and_

MCGONAGALL: Don't I know it?! You had dreadful marks!

SNAPE: _I need to turn these robes black!

MCGONAGALL: (disappointed) That is all?

SNAPE: Yes.

MACGONAGALL: (swishing her wand) There you go!

She returns to her classroom.

Snape happily makes his way to the dungeons.

Int. Dungeons

Snape is making himself comfortable by pouring a glass of whisky.

Suddenly a great light fills the dungeons and a booming voice from above speaks.

GOD: Arthur! Arthur! King of the Britons!

SNAPE: Oh, my God! It's... God!

GOD: You shall have a task to make you an example in these dark times, Arthur!

SNAPE: B-b-b-but, I'm Severus!

GOD: Oh!

[beat]

GOD: Sorry. Thought you were somebody else.

The light disappears.

Snape looks dazzled and falls to his knees.

Trelawney enters the dungeons.

TRELAWNEY: Severus! Severus! What happened?

SNAPE: It was... it was...

He looks at the full glass, still in his hand and gulps it down.

SNAPE: Nothing. My knees gave out. That was all.

MONICA LEWINSKY: That's what I said!

TRELAWNEY: I know what this is! I have foreseen it!

SNAPE: Sibyl, not now, I_

TRELAWNEY: You have become an alcoholic! I don't even need to be a seer to know this! The signs! All there! Antisocial behaviour! Dizzy spells like you're going through menopause! The always-present glass by your side!

SNAPE: Sibyl, please! I_

TRELAWNEY: The night I caught you running outside, completely naked, yelling, 'Come and get me Wolvie!'

SNAPE: _er... You know? Maybe you're right.

TRELAWNEY: Thankfully Lupin was close by! He was so startled when I asked him to help me take you in! Poor Remus! All he could say was, 'You're not supposed to be here, Sibyl!' But the visions never lie. Never!

JASON ISAACS: Say never! Don't miss it! I'm playing Hook!

SNAPE: I have a class to teach.

TRELAWNEY: We'll talk about this later! I have foreseen it!

Snape sighed in relief when the students started taking their seats.

Trelawney readjusted her specs and made her way out.

Snape turned to start class.

SNAPE: Everyone, be quiet! Today we'll_

He trips comically and lands with his robes covering his head.

SNAPE: (fighting to get his face free) What on Merlin's_

He looks aghast to the object on which he'd tripped.

It was the Holy Grail.

Me: I guess I could go on with this but I don't feel like it, so...

THE END