Letters to Santa

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Dear Santa,

What I really want is for people to leave me alone.

It's always, 'We need your help!' or 'We could use your sage advice', or 'Someone's trying to kill me!'

FUCK!

Why don't they just figure things out for themselves?

Everyone's so bloody thick it's a wonder they know how to breathe without coming to me for help.

And I swear, if that stupid Potter comes to tell me he screwed up the school again I am going to crack open his head right where that stupid scar is!

     Albus

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Dear Santa,

    I want a goat. The cat's getting a bit too bland for my tastes in the bedroom.

     Argus

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Dear Santa,

What I really, really, really want this Christmas is a gender.

     Blaise

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Dear Santa,

I want another pair of leather trousers, 'cause the ones I own are not that tight anymore.

Another giant bottle of pure lard would be nice, to keep my hair shiny and in place. The one I had before with a 10 L capacity was empty in a week.

Can't think of anything else to ask you, since I already have everything I could wish for, (impossible good looks, tight arse and loads of money) and I'm not going to ask you to make Potter miserable, because it makes no sense asking you for favours in an area where I have more power than you.

     Draco

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Dear Santa,

We want people to never, ever be able to tell us apart. And, if it's not much of a bother, we would like a spell that would keep the girls from moaning the wrong name in action and then getting mad and say things like: 'you're not supposed to shag your brother's girlfriend!'

Twins share. Get used to it.

     Fred and George

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Dear Santa,

I want the same thing I asked last year: for people to keep believing I'm not a perverted slut.

I went through hell and high water to get Voldie to shag me and still I managed to maintain my innocent image.

I also want Voldie to become more aggressive in bed; he is such a choirboy! 'No Ginny, not the hole pineapple! At least cut it in wedges!' How prude is that?

Something to get over the nausea of pretending to like Harry would be nice, too.

     Ginny

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Deer Snata,

Ve WAnT To BEe SmaRT LIKer Nevil, Eevn dow hes a GRyf... a Griff... a Grivv... not a Slyterine.

Hits arD too Writte, U hve TOO GRabb KwiLL Vith BOth Hands!

     gReGory nd viNCnt

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Dear Santa,

I want peace between the Wizarding and the Muggle world.

I also want my Godfather to get out of jail and my uncle, aunt and cousin to finally realise that there is a lot of love between us.

Can you do something about that whole Gryffindor/Slytherin being enemies thing?

Why can't we all just be friends?

Also I want everyone to be able to hug a puppy or a kitty everyday and that people will stop stepping on flowers.

Something to get the author to stop wishing that I would just turn into a putrid lump of decaying flesh while going through mind blowing horrible suffering would be nice too.

     Harry

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Dear Santa,

I want the same as last year.

Yes, I know I always ask for the same thing, but it's funny to see people believing I'm a very studious girl instead of the truth: that I have a line of crack cocaine in-between every leaf of my books.

Come on! Why else would I always be studying?

     Hermione

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Dear Santa,

Don't be stupid, we're dead.

Oh, all right!

We want Harry to have a very long life so he won't be joining us anytime soon.

     James and Lily

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Dear Santa,

I want a new pimp cane and a spell to make pretty bows that secure my hair tightly. My arms hurt, it's really hard to tie a bow in the back of your head.

I would appreciate that you would get my wife to stop bitching about how I set that house-elf free. Isn't it enough that I have to wash my own thongs now?

Also, I would like people to stop asking me why I wear a road kill on my head. It's a HAT, you fashionably challenged idiots!

     Lucius

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Dear Santa,

I want to appear naked throughout the whole next movie. It doesn't even have to have a plot. Just me, there, naked.

I would prefer to have asked for the Quidditch Cup, but the author threatened to break both my arms if I didn't ask for this instead.

     Oliver

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Esteemed Saint Nicholas,

I would greatly desire for my boss to finally ask for my hand in marriage.

Or just that he noticed my efforts. It's chilly going to work with nothing underneath the robes.

A brush would be nice, because every morning is a whole bad-hair day on its own for me.

I don't need to solicit your help in stopping my father of bringing embarrassment to my professional life. I can take care of that myself (sleep lightly, old man).

     Percy

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Dear Santa,

I want my lover to stop bitching about how much fur I shed in his bed. I keep telling him that if he doesn't like it, we can go to my rooms.

But no! Mr. 'I-can-only-do-it-in-the-dungeons' would never allow defeat.

I would also like some hair-dye, I think I look too old for my age.

     Remus

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Dear Santa,

What I want the most in the world is a HUGE scar on my forehead.

Then people will love me in spite of my stupid face.

I'm not going to ask for money, even though I don't stop bitching and moaning about being poor, because money is not the most important thing in the world! At least I have my bravery. Oh, wait...

     Ron

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Deer Snata,

I Vant dOse Slii..Slitt..Slyth... Not Grivindoor Bois Too Stopp ASkin mi to Tich em ow t writ.

I aLLlso Vant Dammledore two di.

JUst Ven Da dragN wAs getn Gud t macke a Stew Out ov im, Stupd Dammledore tackes im awai.

     haGrD

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Dear Santa,

I don't believe in you, because I already killed you.

But to keep people from suspecting anything I'm sending this letter anyway.

     Severus

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Dear Santa,

I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know I know that you know that I know I know that you know that I know I know that you know that I know I know that you know that I know what I want for Christmas.

     Sibyl

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Dear Santa,

I want the doubt that my lover has someone else to be gone from my mind.

Even though I try, I can't stop thinking about the fur that was on his bed. It was brown, not black! But he says that the cold of the dungeons is freezing my brain and making me imagine things.

Also, I would like for my godson to die in such an attention grabbing way that people won't even remember to look at my face and notice that I'm laughing. I have a reputation to maintain.

     Sirius

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Dear Santa,

I want a toy train, and a whistle, and a toy truck, and an action men, and a dog, and a bike, and a gamecube, and the Muppets on dvd, and Legos, and all the cartoons I can watch with all the candies I can eat!

     Voldemort (Tommy)

The End