Guy Talk

Draco: *shouting* I can't believe this! Of all the stupid things...

Crabbe: What?

Draco: I've been asked to go to Dumbledore's office! Just because I added a few extra arms to a Mudblood's back!

Crabbe: Do you want us to go with you?

Goyle: Yeah, we could help you.

Crabbe: Like it's a bad thing to have arms all over your backs!

Goyle: They couldn't do that to me, though, 'cause I've got my back turned to the front.

Draco: *stares blankly at them* Riiight. Look, no matter how... tempting your offer may sound, well, not to offend or anything, but, about your help... the two of you have yet to achieve the common level of Evolution. It's not like I'm calling you cavemen or anything it's just that... you have to admit...those gorilla-like arms, that curved posture, those salient mandibles, that carnivorous look...

Crabbe: What do you mean?

Goyle: Yeah?

Draco: I'll pass.

Crabbe and Goyle stare with a bovine expression at Draco.

Draco: *sighing* No. I won't need you to accompany me.

Draco leaves.

Crabbe: You try to help.

Goyle: Yeah.

Crabbe: So, what are we gonna do?

Goyle: Dunno.

Crabbe: Let's do Potions' homework!

Goyle: Why?!

Crabbe: 'Cause it's about poisons, and you know what poisons can do! *laughs stupidly*

Goyle: Yeah! Poisons! *joins in laughter*

Their conjoined laughter sounds like a pig being mercilessly tickled.

Goyle: Crabbe?

Crabbe: Yeah?

Goyle: What's a poisons?

LATER

Crabbe and Goyle are gathering ingredients and starting the potion.

Crabbe: ...my favourite toy when I was a kid was running.

Goyle: Yeah. Kid's stuff. It really stays in your retina.

Crabbe: Yeah. I also liked the zoo.

Goyle: I hate the zoo! I can't stand it!

Crabbe: Why?

Goyle: I once went there with my parents. Fell into the monkeys' pit. Stayed there for weeks. People threw peanuts at me. They even took pictures. My mum, after a few weeks, thought, "This boy has been very quiet lately." Then they noticed I wasn't there.

Crabbe: No! They noticed?!

Goyle. Yeah. She went to the zoo, talked to the monkey keeper, told him I was in the monkey pit. He said, "Go in there, Madam, and pick one, if you have to."

Crabbe: *amazed* And she guessed which one you were?

Goyle: Yeah. Mums, heh?

Crabbe: Yeah! So, why don't you like the Zoo?

Goyle: I got attached to the monkeys. Nice little fellas. Was hell leaving them behind.

Crabbe: *emotional* You're making tears come to my eyes of so much crying!

Goyle: Yeah.

Crabbe: When it's stuff that involves animals... They're not just for eating, you know? You can play with them before that.

Goyle: You big softy!

Crabbe: Yeah. I know. Pure gold, my heart is.

Goyle: Yeah.

Crabbe: But that was a bit of bad luck, there, for you, Goyle.

Goyle: Yeah. It's the family curse! My mum shouted this at me many times. While holding a crucifix in my direction.

Crabbe: Mums, heh?

Goyle: Yeah. What about your parents?

Crabbe: Oh, they're normal, I guess. My dad went to spend his honeymoon in France, but my mum found him.

Goyle: It's that third sense women have.

Crabbe: Yeah. I'm my dad's pride and joy. Remember when he came to get me to play that game of hide and seek in the Forbidden Forest?

Goyle: Yeah. You're so lucky.

Crabbe: Yeah.

Goyle: And you're good! Your dad didn't find you!

Crabbe: Yeah! You see, when he threw me under that bush, I was so well hidden that when he ran far away from me, he didn't see me.

Goyle: Don't sell yourself short, Crabbe! You also have pretty good teeth! How else would you have gotten rid of the rope?

Crabbe: *proud* Yeah! My dad even praised me and all!

Goyle: No! What did he say?

Crabbe: He said, "Fucking kid, seems he's part carrier pigeon! How did he manage to get back?"

Goyle: Wow!

Crabbe: *prouder* Yeah.

Goyle: What's that smell?! Smells like goat cheese!

Crabbe: Sorry! Had to take off my shoe, there. My bunions.

Goyle: Oh. Yeah.

They laugh.

Goyle: Crabbe, not to brag, but you're on fire.

Crabbe: *still laughing* What?

Goyle: You're on fire.

Crabbe: *rolls on the floor* Help me, Goyle!

Goyle: I'll help you, victim!

Goyle stomps on Crabbe till the fire's out.

Crabbe: Cheers, Goyle! Forgot to take my arm off from under the cauldron after lighting it up.

Goyle: Happens all the time. The other day, Malfoy got mad at me for it. Said it was his best tie.

Crabbe: What did you say?

Goyle: I said, "Easy there, Malfoy! That log has splinters, you know?"

Crabbe: Poor Malfoy. A bit dim, but bless him.

Goyle: Yeah.

Crabbe: Just the other day I told him, "Malfoy, I can get out of your way without you throwing those rocks, you know?"

Goyle: Yeah, you have to be patient with him.

Crabbe: Yeah. Poor soul. It's not like he does it on purpose.

Goyle: Yeah. I told him this morning, "How am I supposed to see it if you're hitting me in the eyes, Malfoy?"

Crabbe: *upset* That was wrong of you , Goyle! You know you can't provoke him like that! He's just a bit thick.

Goyle: *sheepish* You're right. He even took the care to explain that the only way I could understand is when his foot connects with my forehead.

Crabbe: *gets all misty* No!

Goyle: Yeah! *getting misty too* And that he only did it 'cause I'm too big for him to pound my massive body into the floorboard's crevices.

Crabbe: AAWW!

Goyle: *wiping off a tear* I know. Friends, heh?

Crabbe: Yeah. He's slow, but he's a nice bloke. You can count on him, you know?

Goyle: Yeah.

Crabbe: *sighs* But what were we talking about?

Goyle: Of when we were kids.

Crabbe: Yeah! Merlin! My mum, she used to comb my hair every time there was a party. Like an adventure, right?

Goyle: Yeah. Can hardly guess the kind of animals that came out of that nest of hair.

Crabbe: *nods* Yeah.

Goyle: And with sizes that imposed respect, right?

Crabbe: Yeah! You should have been there this morning when I got my hair cut!

Goyle: I saw a rabbit running down the corridor, but at the time, you know, I didn't connect.

Crabbe: Yeah, but those are the harmless one. There's stuff that comes out of my hair that you don't get rid off just by throwing it a stick, you know?

Goyle: I can imagine!

Crabbe: Is it boiling yet?

Goyle: Is it now?! *laughs* I've already fell in there two times already!

Crabbe: And is it?

Goyle: I even lost all the hair from the right side of my body!

They laugh.

Crabbe: Now, when you fall, you remember to close your gills, huh?

Goyle: *touched* Yeah, I know.

Crabbe: Oh, look! It takes pine needles!

Goyle: No!

Crabbe: Yeah!

Goyle: Merlin! How I love eating pine needles! Sometimes, even raw ones!

Crabbe: Yeah! Me too!

A splash is heard.

Crabbe: What was that?

Goyle: *anxious* Huh, it was the onion! I told you the onion was an animal that struggled before they went.

Crabbe: Where's Malfoy's wand? Did you drop Malfoy's wand?

Goyle: *nods sheepishly*

Crabbe: Goyle, do you have any flippers?

Goyle: No. Why?

Crabbe: Then grab those fish fins 'cause you're diving in to get Malfoy's wand.

Goyle: Are you kidding, Crabbe?! That soup's bubbling up! It's so hot it's stinging my eyes!

Crabbe: Can you face poor Malfoy and tell him you lost his wand?

Goyle: Ok, let me just put the thumb of my foot in to check the basis of temperature.

He does so.

Goyle: FUCK! It even made spark!

Crabbe: Hurry! I think he's coming!

Goyle: At least tie me a piece of string so you can bring me back to surface!

Crabbe: There's no time! Dive!

Goyle dives.

Goyle: Stop hitting me with the spoon on my forehead, Crabbe!

Crabbe: It's so you can reach the bottom quicker!

Goyle: Got it!

He gets out of the cauldron and Malfoy enters.

Draco: Bastard Dumbledore! He assigned me to Filch!

Crabbe and Goyle stay their usual silent selves.

Draco: Well, better go now. Why are you all wet?

Goyle moves as if to speak.

Draco: Never mind. It's bound to be stupid. Where's my wand?

They hand him his wand.

Draco: Thank Merlin you two don't talk much!

Crabbe and Goyle look at each other while Draco leaves.

THE END