Woe of Aftermath

Chapter 3: Remus Suffering

Remus woke up to the sound of Mrs. Black screaming, sat up very gingerly in bed so as not to wake Tonks, who was sprawled out next to him, and finally stood, rubbing his eyes. He cast a look behind him to her rather comical form, laughing to himself. To be so elegant, almost refined, the night before, and yet back to her normal, completely comfortable self this morning... well, he would have expected no less from her. And he absolutely loved it.

They had not exactly consummated their relationship yet, Remus reflected as he trudged down the stairs toward the front hall to shut the curtains in front of the painting. And although he had wanted her as much as she had wanted him, he knew it was a good thing they hadn't. For one thing, he wasn't even sure they were in a relationship. He had never been in one, not since Hogwarts... he wouldn't think about that. Not now that he had found such happiness in Tonks. But, he wondered to himself, could she possibly begin to find complete happiness in him? She was still so young, she had her career and her looks and her health... she wouldn't want to have to feel like she had to take care of him...

Finally relishing the lack of shrieks coming from the portrait, he went to the door to see who had come to call so early in the morning- no, wait, he realized, it was almost midday! Unfastening the numerous locks on the door, he opened it to find Molly, Mad-Eye, and Kingsley waiting. "Oh- good morning!" he greeted them rather groggily.

"We didn't wake you up, did we, dear?" asked Molly in a concerned voice.

"Oh, that's all right... needed to get up anyway..."

"How are you feeling, Remus?" asked Kingsley.

"I'm feeling..." he thought about it for a moment. "I'm feeling pretty good, actually."

"Well, you're going to need all the energy you can get, you know. Tomorrow night... oh, that reminds me, Snape gave me the last of the Wolfsbane potion..." Moody reached into an inside pocked of his robes and retreived a couple of large flasks, handing them out to Remus. "If you think you can trust him not to try and poison you..."

"I think I can trust him, Mad-Eye. He hasn't murdered me yet, you know." Remus made a face as he downed one flask of the disgusting concoction and shuddered.

"Anyway," Molly continued in a matter-of-fact tone, "we came to remind you of the meeting tonight, and to get the house tidied up a bit. And to ask you if you've heard from Tonks- we stopped by her flat to pick her up, but she wasn't there, and she didn't have work today, so we were worried..."

Remus began to think at a very rapid pace. "I- erm- I don't know-"

But at just that moment, she emerged, yawning, down the staircase, managing through her yawn, "Who is it, Remus?"

"Tonks!" Mrs. Weasley cried, "we didn't know where you were; we were getting worried! What- have you been here all night?" she questioned, glancing back at Remus momentarily.

"Oh, yeah-" Tonks yawned again, and Remus noticed that her hair had become pink and spiky again. "I was helping Remus set up for the meeting, and it got a bit late, so I decided to stay the night."

Mad-Eye and Kingsley looked from Lupin to Tonks, in her bathrobe hastily thrown over the satin gown she had fallen asleep in which could still be seen as the neckline of the robe wasn't quite closed, and back to Lupin, raised their eyebrows simultaneously, and gave ghosts of sly grins. Then they strutted downstairs to the kitchen, Mad-Eye patting Lupin on the back as he went past. Lupin just smiled placidly, giving nothing away, although a bit shaken by the fact that they now suspected something. "I'd better go up and get dressed, then," he said, followed closely by Tonks.

"Yeah, me too."

Neither of them saw Mrs. Weasley look at them with a very content expression as they disappeared together up the staircase.

*****

"I'm sorry I came downstairs, I didn't realize..."

"It's all right, Tonks, there was no harm done."

"I saw the looks Molly and the others were giving you."

"Yes, but they don't know anything for certain, and even if they did, what's the worst that could happen?"

"Well- they could tell us off, or tell Dumbledore, and I don't know if he would approve."

Remus smiled at her sad little face. "What's to approve of, Tonks? There's nothing wrong with- with what happened last night; we didn't do anything to be ashamed of, unless- " Suddenly his face fell. "Tonks, you don't regret- I mean, if I read you wrong, if you didn't want to..."

She placed a finger over his lips, and looked into his eyes. "Concerning you, Remus, the only regret I have is that I didn't tell you how I felt sooner."

"You know," he said in a quiet, thoughtful voice, "you never did tell me outright how you feel."

"Remus, can I ask you a question?" she said, thinking about the statement he had just made. He nodded. "What does your wolf look like?"

He raised an eyebrow skeptically, but proceeded to answer her. "I've been told... that he's light brown, with brownish gold eyes, like me... the wolf resembles the human, you know, same concept as Animagi... and I imagine he has a few gray hairs by now," he grinned, playing with his own salt-and-pepper streaks.

"He does, Remus." Her face was solemn. She reached up to where his hand was straightening his hair and entwined her own fingers through his locks. "He does. I saw him last night. It was you...it was him all along. The one in my dreams."

"I think you knew that, didn't you?" he asked her, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her once more.

As they broke away from the kiss, both of them smiling in one another's embrace, Tonks finally slapped the back of her hand against his chest playfully and said, "Now, get out of my bedroom while I get dressed, and be a gentleman."

Still smiling, he left her there, heading for the door to his own chamber, and proceeded to get ready for the day.

*****

Tonks spent most of the day out of Remus's company, and it drove her nearly mad. She was put to work in the kitchen washing dishes while Molly dried (because washing them allowed her to hold them over the sink instead of over the ground, which made it a shorter distance for the dishes to fall should Tonks drop one. And she dropped quite a few in her distraction.)

Remus was looking over reports with Kingsley and being briefed by Moody in the drawing room, his back to the family tree which would have born Sirius's deathdate now had his name still been present. But his mind kept traveling back to last night, and he couldn't help but wish that it hadn't ended...

Finally, the other members of the Order began filtering in. Arthur Weasley arrived first, along with his sons Bill, Fred, and George. Then came Minerva McGonagall with Severus Snape, Rubeus Hagrid, and Olympe Maxime, and they were followed closely by several of the older members, led by Mundungus Fletcher. Several of the newest members showed up in a large group, including Percy Weasley, his girlfriend Penelope Clearwater, Madam Longbottom, Madam Bones, and Maureen Finnigan, mother of Remus's old student Seamus.

Ten minutes later: "At five-oh-four on July twenty-eighth I call this meeting of the Order of the Phoenix to order," Dumbledore, clad in pale gray shimmering robes and hat, began. Hestia Jones began scribbling furiously over a roll of parchment in the corner. "Old business, Hestia?"

"Erm..." she struggled to speak one thing and write another, then pulled a sheet out from a briefcase at her heels. "Er- at the last meeting, which took place on- erm- June the thirtieth, yes, that's it, we... we passed a motion to increase security on the entrances to the castle..." Her voice droned on.

Remus and Tonks had, miraculously, ended up sitting together, sandwiched between Molly and Minerva. Tonks eased a hand under the table and took Lupin's, squeezing it gently. It made him wonder to himself as he pretended to listen just what kind of relationship the two of them had now. Just last night they were friends, and she had been less close to him than Sirius had been. But somehow, something had changed- or perhaps what he thought had changed had really been the way it was all along. He hadn't just suddenly become attracted to her, any more than she had suddenly become attracted to him. That first kiss was fated, he knew. She had been dreaming about him, although it was his wolf and not his human form, since she was a little girl. And she was so amazingly easy to talk to. She was one of the only people he knew who was completely comfortable with the fact that he was a werewolf, who even was attracted to the fact that he posessed this trait, and who seemed to want to get to know him, to think he was something special. It had just happened so very fast- but today, and last night, seemed to him to have taken an eternity, a blissful eternity in which Remus finally felt completely at peace with himself and the world- so different from anything he had ever felt before.

But he was shaken out of his reverie when he heard Dumbledore say, "Remus, as I'm sure you know, tomorrow night is the full moon."

He looked up sharply, pulling his hand out of Tonks's grip as he clasped his hands together and placed them on the table, leaning foreward. "Yes, Albus. I've taken the potion regularly."

"You will stay here, then?"

"Yes."

"I gather Auror Tonks is staying in the house as well at present... Tonks, are you planning to stay through Remus's transformation? We may need to contact you."

"I- well, I don't..."

"Don't, Tonks. You don't want to see that," Remus pleaded silently, giving her a fleeting glance.

"Do you- don't you need someone to... sort of nurse you afterwards?" she whispered to him. "Who usually does that?"

"No, I don't need- that is to say, Sirius usually was here..."

That was all Tonks needed. "Yes. I am planning to stay," she answered clearly.

McGonagall gave her a bit of a scandalized look, as did a few of the other older women. She inwardly sighed. If only it wasn't just the two of them here, alone, they wouldn't get the idea that something was going on between them. But, blushing, she realized that there was something going on between them...

The meeting lasted forever. Snape gave another report, which was perhaps the highlight, and then finally it was all over and she was beckoned by Molly as the ones who wouldn't be staying for dinner left. The two women began to cook dinner. "Where are Ron and Harry and the others?" Tonks asked.

"Oh, they're staying with Arabella Figg right now, and we'll be sending for all of them in a few days..." She paused. "So, erm, how is Remus doing, really?" Molly asked as she began to slice carrots for the stew.

"He- well, he seems to be doing a bit better than I expected, to tell you the truth," Tonks replied, careful to keep her eyes downcast as she peeled a potato.

"I know he took it rather hard when Sirius died; we all did," Molly said quietly. "I just felt as though he needed to get his mind off it somehow. He's been in the worst state this past month. And with the full moon tomorrow night, it seems like he's going through too much for him to be here alone... which is why I was glad when you said you were going to be staying here with him." Again, there was a pause. Tonks was silent, for fear that Molly might take anything she said to mean that she and Remus were involved now. But Molly seemed to have already picked up on this. "So what exactly is going on between the two of you?"

The knife slipped in Tonks's hand, causing her to drop the potato and slice her finger, the blood oozing as the potato rolled off the counter and onto the floor. "Bugger!" she screamed, dropping the knife too, which landed square on her foot. She grabbed her hand tightly as the pain mounted.

"Tonks!" cried Lupin, from where he sat at the table talking to Mundungus, and he jumped up and ran over to her. "What happened?"

"Oh- you know- just me being stupid and clumsy again-" she said, hissing through the pain.

"Tonks, don't be silly. Here-" He took, or rather, snatched, her hand in his, touched it with his wand, and immediately the cut healed. Then, not lingering longer than was proper, he went back to the table and resumed his conversation.

Tonks, relaxing a little, allowed herself a slight smile as she bent down and picked up the potato, carrying it over to the sink to rinse it off.

"You never answered my question, dear," said Mrs. Weasley slyly, turning on the back burner.

"Question?" Tonks asked, pretending to be ignorant.

"Are you and Remus having sex?"

The inquiry, but whispered, seemed to Tonks to ring in the air like the blast of a cannon, and the fact that it was issued from motherly Molly Weasley did nothing to decrease the shockingness.

"N-no!" responded Tonks, a bit indignantly. They weren't, after all. Of course, last night came pretty close, but almost didn't count, did it?

And then Molly said something even more uncharacteristic. "It's a shame. I've known Remus for a long time, and if there's anyone who needs a good shag every once and a while, it's him."

Of course, thought Tonks, she's had seven children; she must know something about it.

"So there's really nothing going on between you?"

"Well..." Tonks didn't know if she wanted to tell Molly or not, but it seemed as though she could trust her, and she most certainly didn't want to lie to this woman whom she had longed to have as a friend since she had joined the Order. "Actually, there is something."

"Oh, come on, do tell," squealed Molly excitedly. It was obvious she loved gossip.

"To tell you the truth, I'm not sure I really understand it myself. I mean, he... he kissed me. And then, we just sort of... kept kissing, and that was about all. But it felt like more. And it all happened so fast- I came here last night because I was worried about him, and he was in a bad mood, and then he seemed to start feeling better, and then..."

"Remus is impulsive. He thinks before he acts, yes, but if he thinks it, he's bound to act on it."

"I feel like I barely know him- but I want to know him so much better. I think- I think I'm falling in love with him. I mean I know I am, really, it's just, I've never really been in love before, and I don't know how he feels about me..."

"If he kissed you, that should give you some idea," said Molly shrewdly. "I know of only one other person he's ever kissed... but he doesn't like it when people talk about that."

Curiosity peaked, Tonks was about to try to pry it out of her, but supper, charmed to cook in a fourth of the time, was almost ready, and Remus and Kingsley had approached them at the counter where they were engaged in their whispered dialogue, Remus eying Tonks questioningly, and asked if there was anything they could do to help.

*****

They spent the night apart. Remus insisted, because, as he told her, he needed to sleep tonight, and if she were present in his bed, he wouldn't be able to do very much sleeping. So he had kissed her very gently, and her knees had almost buckled in the intensity of the longing she felt for him, and then he had left her to sit up all night, beaker of cold coffee on her bedside table and unread report in her hands, just thinking.

The next day she had to work. She was hoping to get the day off, but there was a particularly suspicious gathering of warlocks in Edinbourough that had happened the night before, and she and a couple of her fellow aurors were called upon to investigate it. So it wasn't until six that evening that Tonks was able to return to Black Manor. Looking up at the sky anxiously, she was relieved to see that the moon had yet to rise, and so she apparated inside hoping to find Remus still resting up. However, when she popped into the kitchen to pour him a cup of hot chocolate, she found him sitting there, reading the Daily Prophet, and appearing a bit ill.

"I thought you were sleeping, Remus," Tonks said.

"The closer the moon is to rising, the harder it is to sleep. You get a bit testy, also, so don't mind me if I'm on edge. I'll try to be polite, but it was always Sirius here before, and... " He trailed off.

Talking about Sirius wasn't going to cheer him up, she knew. "Can I fix you something?"

"Oh, um, I was about to get up and get something, but-"

"Don't bother. Some hot chocolate? And something to eat? Or is it easier without food?"

"Actually I find that it helps a bit. My wolf's stomach is usually less hungry for human flesh if it's fuller... just some toast or something, I don't think I can handle very much. Thanks," he said, taking the mug from her hands and drinking gratefully.

"How long does the transformation take, then?"

"Well, it feels like it takes an eternity..." he whispered to himself, but she heard it. "But really less than a minute." He looked a bit sheepish. Apparently he didn't feel comfortable complaining. Tonks understood. She should have known that he would be dreading this.

"I wish you didn't have to go through this, Remus," she said, looking at him sadly.

"Yes, well..." he had been about to say something rude, but he bit it back. "Oh- oh, Tonks, you really shouldn't be here. If something was faulty with that potion, you'd be in danger..."

"First of all, nothing's wrong with the potion, because Snape made it, and he can do no wrong where potions are concerned. Second, I still have my wand and I can still hex you into oblivion if you try to attack me even if the potion doesn't work. Third, I wouldn't leave you alone anyway."

"You'd best at least head off to another room, then. The moon's rising, I can feel it. She'll be up in a few minutes."

"Why do I have to go to another room?" Tonks asked.

"Because... because you don't want to see it. It's terrible, Tonks. You don't want to. Even Sirius didn't watch."

"I know it must be my innate love for werewolves, but something inside me really needs to see this, Remus."

"No, Tonks!" he shouted, suddenly furious. He was a bit frantic. If there were anything that would make her completely despise him, it would be watching him transform. "I don't want you here, all right? I can't stand to see you watching me with those pitiful eyes, and I definitely don't want to see your reaction to me in a few minutes. It's ugly! It's not some fascinating thing for little girls to marvel at, it's disgusting, it's painful, and I don't want you to see it. Leave!" He was breathing heavily when he had finished, feeling the familiar prickle along his spine. If she left now, she might just miss it. He tried to plead with her with his eyes, but when he looked at her, she looked back as if stung. She hung her head, slowly walking to the kitchen door.

"Oh, Tonks, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. But please..." He had walked towards her and now held her in place with his aching arms, kissing her on the cheek. "Please go," he whispered, but even as he said it he realized with despair that it was too late. Backing away from her, he hid his face in his hands as he tensed up, suddenly falling foreward as he was forced onto his hands and knees, which were rapidly becoming paws and limbs, and he couldn't supress a cry of anguish as he felt his face stretching out, his muscles changing size and shape, contracting and expanding, and then his hair began to grow thicker, all over his body. His robes were torn, and his wolfish form wrestled out of them as he finally completed his change.

He finally chanced a glance up at Tonks, who had been frozen to the spot, watching him. He really wished she had left. She was just staring at him in horror, and when he looked up at her with his lupine face, his heart and eyes full of apologies for what she had just seen, she burst into tears, her face buried in her hands, slowly sliding down the wall to a sitting position.

Remus sidled up to her, grateful, at least, that she hadn't fled from him. He tried to form the words, "I'm sorry," but all he could do with his primitive vocal chords was give a low whimper. He nuzzled her cheek, or what little of it he could reach as she was still bawling into her hands, and in place of a kiss he gave her the tiniest of licks, which was all he could manage.

This proved not to be a good idea; as soon as he did so she gasped in revulsion and backed away, crying even harder. Damn, he thought to himself. That was stupid. She probably thought he was going to bite her. He should have thought first.

He figured that trying was useless. The one person he had left, the one person he could talk to, who had accepted him as he was, who had been so beautiful and so desirable to him and whom he had thought had desired him as well, now found him hideous. He gave up, feeling as though James and Sirius had died all over again, as though he had been forced to give up a normal human being's life all over again. He was more miserable than he had been in a month. Why had she had to see him change? Why hadn't she listened to him? He slowly walked away from her, his ears hung and his tail between his legs in shame and despair.

Then, from behind him, he heard her call him, "Wait, Remus..."

He turned his head.

"It's not that I don't want... Please forgive me for crying, please..." She hiccuped, trying to cease her tears. She was obviously as miserable as he was. "Look, it was just a shock, that's all. It was so terrible, seeing you like that... I mean, seeing you in so much pain."

It was not at all like in her dreams, she thought to herself; it was the same wolf, but the feeling was different. She felt that her love for the man he was had forced her to sense the agony he was going through, when he became the wolf. It scared her a little that she could have those feelings for another person, that she could be driven to that point of empathy.

His wolf returned to her, standing before her and looking at her squarely in the eyes. They were Remus's eyes, the exact same shade of amber, with the same expression he always wore when he showed concern. He could hear her, she knew; it was really him, inside that body. It was then that she realized how much he depended on her to get him through this, to get herself through this. She was one of the only friends he had left, and tonight, she was the only person here to comfort him, to trust that, come morning, he would be human again, beautiful and sad and just as lost as any little boy who had something weighing him down that he didn't completely understand.

"Remus, I have something to tell you."

You can't see me like this, he thought. He knew it; she really couldn't stand him. That must be what she had to say. Or, I'm sorry, but everything that has been going on between us is completely overshadowed by the fact that you're too old, or too wolfish, or too reserved, or sad, or unstable.

"I love you."

His wolf staggered a bit, looking up at her with very human, very surprised eyes.

My God. She loves me.

But didn't he know that already? Surely, the past two days had been a confusing time for both of them, but really, despite the fear that she may not feel quite the same about him as he was beginning to feel about her, deep down he had known. And his wolf knew. Because his more primitive instincts he had in this form told him that she wanted to be his mate. And his human mind knew that when a human wanted to be your mate in the same sense as a wolf, she wanted to mate for life.

"Please don't say anything, Remus. I mean, I know you can't, but... Oh, I don't know why I'm saying this now, it's just that I've wanted to tell you, in my own words, for so long, and for you to hear me... You can hear me, can't you?"

He nodded his head quite clearly. Then, convulsively, he wagged his tail. I love you too, Tonks. Oh, God, I love you, and I've been in love with you forever, and I will be in love with you forever, and I need you, and I want you so much I can barely breathe, and you are so breathtakingly beautiful to me... and I wish I could tell you all this...

"Your wolf really is very handsome, you know," Tonks noticed, smiling a little, wiping away the last of her tears. She reached out a hesitant hand and began to stroke his head. He leaned into her touch, closing his eyes, and licked her hand, urging her to continue. She kept talking, adopting a soothing, comforting voice. "Of course, it's nowhere nearly as handsome as your human. I remember the first time I saw you, at the Ministry. My heart nearly stopped. There was just something about you; there always has been. You have the most amazing eyes."

She looked into those eyes, only to find tears streaming down them, his breath a bit ragged, and a look about him that suggested that he wanted nothing better than to change back into his human form right now and tell her just how much he appreciated hearing her say those things, and possibly to act on that appreciation. But all he could do was place a forelimb between her thighs and nuzzle the place below her ear that he had recently discovered was so sensitive. She wrapped a loving arm around his furry neck and scratched behind his ears.

They passed several long hours together this way, Tonks sometimes saying something to him, Remus sometimes responding with a whimper or a gesture or an expression. Around midnight, they both fell asleep on the kitchen floor.

*****

Tonks woke up because she felt Remus's wolf, who was resting beside her as she had been petting his underbelly when she fell asleep, stirring.

Standing up, Remus realized what was happening. He looked at Tonks again, pleading with her as he had last night to leave the room, but as she had done last night, she resolved to stay. He hung his head, shrugging his shoulders as if to say, Have it your way. Then, with an uncontained howl, which morphed into a very human shriek of pain, he was human again, lying huddled, naked, on the floor, his muscles almost too sore to move.

"Oh, Remus," cried Tonks, crouching down to kneel above him. "That was so aweful..."

"Please- Draught of Living Death..." he croaked. "It's in the third drawer from the top in the dresser in my bedroom. Hurry."

Coming down the stairs with the vial in tow, Tonks felt as though she were created for the sole purpose of taking care of this man. She felt prideful, as though last night had been a test of sorts, and she had passed it. That was the worst of it, she thought. It will only go uphill, and there's still another month to go before he changes again.

That was when she remembered that she had just told him a few hours before that she loved him. And he, surprisingly enough, hadn't seemed to mind.

She opened the kitchen door. Remus was struggling to push himself into a sitting position, but was having trouble because of his weak state. She wondered briefly how he had managed when he was alone all those years. Without a word, she gently dropped the vial in its leather pouch down to the floor, kneeled down beside him, and placed a firm hand against his bare back, giving him a tender push upwards. But as she lifted the vial to his lips, willing him to rest now that he had gone through this terrible ordeal, he thrust it away for a moment and took her in his arms, kissing her with what must have been the whole of his strength. "Tonks, I love you," he whispered hoarsely.

"Shhh, Remus, please, rest now."

"I'll be asleep for the rest of the day, and tonight. And when I wake up, I won't be in any shape to do anything requiring great strength. But in a couple of weeks, at new moon, I want you to make love to me."

"Remus..."

"Promise me, Tonks. Please."

After a moment of simply gazing into his pleading eyes, she smiled her most beautiful smile and touched a hand to the graying hair at his temples. "If everything goes as planned, then yes, Remus, love, I would be honored to make love to you. But take the potion now. Rest."

And without another word, he obliged her, and was soon fast asleep, feeling, for the moment, no more pain.