Confession

It's hard.

Seeing her every day with him. They're the "perfect" couple.

I've loved her since the first day I laid eyes on her, when we were on the train to start our first year at Hogwarts. James had seen her that day too, and immediately set out to get her attention.

Hence the reason I never gave a thought about her and I becoming anything other than friends. Besides she'd be better off with James. He didn't have the burdens that I had, and still do. She deserved better than me. So, I turned to my studies.

I thought that maybe I could impress her with my grades. I was doing quite well in all my subjects, but then, so was James. He didn't even need to try to do well, it just came naturally to him. I always had to hit the books hard, and study constantly. It felt, sometimes, as if I had a book permanently in my hands.

I knew I'd never have a chance with her. My brain understood this, but my heart refused to be logical. And with every passing year I grow more in love with Lily Evans. Her dark red hair flowing down her back. The way she would always smile and say my name. She was special that was for sure.

We're in our sixth year presently, and another year seeing her and my best friend, James Potter together seems as if it will kill me.

I'd had a slight hope last year when she vowed that she hated James. But it seems that James changed her opinion of him with his charm, because now they were dating.

Lucky git.

Don't get me wrong, James is a great guy. I love him as I would a brother, but he had her and I knew I'd never get a shot. So a little envy and bitterness towards him on my part is to be expected. He'd never know how I sometimes felt about him anyway.

The only person who knows of my love for her is Sirius. He would never tell James though; thank goodness. He'd told me time and again that if James hadn't gone after her he would've. Yeah, she had that effect on people. Everyone seemed to be in love with her. Even, it seems, Severus Snape, our enemy.

I'd never loved any girl like I loved her; like I love her. But I know she loves James and I have to admit that I would rather James be happy and her be happy than myself. And as I said: my life is too complicated for a real relationship with anyone other than James, Sirius, and Peter (my closest friends).

They knew about me, and they understood. The only one's, other than Dumbledore, who didn't look at me in disgust and fear after hearing that I was a werewolf.

I can't help but think how Lily would react if she ever found out. Would she look at me like the rest of the world and be scared to be in the same room as me? Or would she be like my close friends and understand that I can't help it? Knowing Lily as I do, it would be the latter.

She seemed so understanding. I could never let her know though. I wouldn't want the way she sees me to change in any way. Because the only thing, I feel, is worse than being looked upon with fear and hatred is being looked upon with pity.

I don't know why I'm writing all this down. I suppose it's just because I need to get it off my chest. I don't talk freely about this subject with anyone.

It makes me so uncomfortable to watch them together. Whenever we're in the common room they lie on the sofa in front of the fire and snuggle and whisper soft words to each other. It pains me to see them like this. Their heads tilted towards each other. Lily's head resting against James as they look into each other's eyes.

It's so heartbreaking!

I wish that I could tell her how I feel, but I already know what would come of it. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Her and James were made for each other. With my luck they'll be married right after we get out of Hogwarts next year.

But I shall try to stop these feelings I have for her. They are wrong. She belongs to James. And I will have to live with that.

She belongs to James Potter.

~Remus J. Lupin