The Long Fight of Nymphadora Tonks

Chapter 8: Clearing Up

"Are you sure you don't want any help?" Molly Weasley offered half-heartedly, torn between wanting to get back home to her children and all the work that awaited her there, and Remus Lupin, who was looking more dejected than she had ever seen him as he pored over the papers on the table in front of him.

"I'll be all right," he assured her. "Thank you, Molly."

Still hesitant, but secretly relieved, Molly nodded and left, closing the door behind her. The kitchen was empty now but for Remus and Tonks, who was standing in the corner, drumming her fingers on the oven, and looking strained, her hair a pale shade of lavender today.

"Why don't you leave that until some other time?" she suggested after Molly had been gone a few minutes.

"I'd rather get it over with as quickly as possible. I know I could take these home with me, but if I do that I'll only start avoiding them, and they'll never get sorted properly."

"I could help you," Tonks offered, taking a step towards the table where he sat.

He looked around at her and smiled weakly. "Thank you, but I can manage."

He returned to his task, but Tonks did not let up.

"You shouldn't be doing this," she persisted. "You should be getting a rest, taking some time, letting others take care of this stuff while you ... while you get over what's happened."

He stiffened for a second, his hand hovering over a sheet of parchment he had been about to lay aside. Then he proceeded with what he had been about to do.

"I'm all right."

"No, you're not!" Tonks said, her voice becoming heated now. She spoke more quickly as she came closer still, until she stood right beside him. "However stubbornly you bury your feelings, it's worst for you, it has to be. Worse even than it is for Harry. How well did he know Sirius, really? You knew him best. He was your best friend. You found him again two years ago only to lose him, and I know you like to grieve 'in your own way', but you have to take time to do that."

"I've lost him before," Remus said with apparent calm, though his hand shook slightly and he was no longer seeing the writing in front of him.

"But it's worse this time, isn't it? Because last time you thought he was a traitor, you thought he'd betrayed your best friends and killed all those people, but this time you know he was innocent."

When Remus said nothing in reply, Tonks put a hand on his shoulder. He rose as abruptly as if she had struck him with something, and walked a few paces away from her.

"Don't," he said, his voice oddly constricted. "I'd rather you didn't."

Tonks said softly, "But I want to help you. I want to be close to you"

He looked at her, that sad little smile returning for a moment as he looked into her face, so sympathetic, so solicitous.

"That's kind of you, Nymphadora, but ..."

"Kind?" she repeated sardonically. "You know I'm not just being kind. Remus ..."

"Please don't bring it up again," he begged. "You've got to move on."

"But I can't move on. I can't help it," Tonks went on urgently. "I've liked you from the moment we met. And then I began to feel - warm whenever you were around. Like I wanted to smile without really knowing why. I feel lost without you, I don't know what to do with myself. Remus ..."

She took a step towards him, but he shrank back.

"I've told you before," he said. "I'm not the right man for you. You're young and attractive and full of life and I'm much older than you, I have no livelihood and I'm ..."

"I know what you are. I knew before I ever met you, but it didn't stop this happening to me. Being a werewolf is something you can't help, it's - just a disease that can't be cured, it isn't the real you. This is you, standing here now, right here. The man I fell in love with and will stay in love with until I die."

Remus shook his head slowly, still not looking at her. "You should find someone more worthy of your love, Nymphadora. Someone who can offer you the kind of life you should have."

"There isn't anyone more worthy in the whole world!" she said with almost childish certainty.

In spite of himself, Remus smiled and looked at her. She challenged him at once,

"Tell me now, Remus, once and for all: do you love me, or don't you?"

He grew sombre again at once. Avoiding her eyes once more, he said very quietly, and very simply,

"Oh yes."

"Then say it out loud. Say it and we can ..."

"No, Tonks!"

His voice became at once firm and he looked at her, not unkindly, but with what was now most definitely sorrow, and also determination. Tonks stopped, halted in her tracks as she had started coming towards him once more, her eyes wide and fearful.

"Don't say it," she pleaded quietly. "Please, don't say it."

"But I must say it," he replied very gently. "The answer must be no, again. For your sake, I can't allow myself to love you. I'm no good for you. You deserve better."

"Remus, please ..." she whispered, her voice breaking now. She came right up to him and clutched his sleeve.

He took her hand and gently prised his sleeve away from her, looking deeply hurt as he did so.

"Please stop making this harder on us both than it has to be," he said. "Just go. It's better if we don't draw this out. If we never speak of it again."

"But ..." Tonks started to object, but just at that moment the kitchen door was opened from the other side, and she turned away from it at the same time as Remus walked hurriedly back to the table, then turned an enquiring look towards the door.

"Severus," he said, keeping his voice as light as he could.

Severus Snape looked from one to the other of them, his black eyes full of keen interest and suspicion. They settled at last on the back of Tonks's bowed head, and the familiar sneer spread across his mouth.

"I did not wish to interrupt," he began, though he made no attempt to hide from his voice the fact that he was glad to have done just that. "But it is time we left. The headmaster is expecting us at Hogwarts. If you have finished with those papers, Lupin ..."

"I haven't," Remus replied quickly, starting to gather them up. "But I can continue to go through them at home."

Snape nodded. He cast one curious glance at Tonks, then departed the way he had come. Remus continued to gather the papers under his arm, then he too headed towards the door. As though aware that she had turned around to face him, he paused in the doorway and looked back at Tonks.

"I ..." he began, but she interrupted him.

"No, don't say you're sorry," she said, and her voice sounded firmer than it had done before, though a tear was still trickling down her cheek. "I know you think you're doing the right thing. But I also know you're wrong, and I won't let you do this to us. I don't intend to let it lie. I'm going to keep on telling you I love you, as many times as it takes ..."

"I thought I'd explained ..."

"You have, but you're making a mistake. And if you think I'm letting some silly prejudices stand in the way of what we feel ..."

"It's not about prejudices, it's about what's best for you. Can't you see that's all I want?"

"Yes, I can see that," Tonks said more softly. "But you don't know what's best for me. Well, you will. In time, I know you will. I'll make you see. I'll ..."

She broke off, in danger of bursting into tears once more. Without another word, she brushed right past him into the corridor and out of sight, leaving him to call after her, a note of worry in his voice,

"Nymphadora! Tonks, where are you going?"

He dropped onto a seat and stared at the doorway for a moment, then moved his eyes to look at Sirius's usual seat instead. He shook his head.

"I should have listened to you, old friend," he murmured. "You were right, but I refused to believe it. I should have paid you more attention. I should have done something about it, told her much sooner there was no chance. Oh god ..."

He gave himself a jerk, stood up and left.