The Long Fight of Nymphadora Tonks

Chapter 4: Too Fond

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" Tonks asked anxiously as she turned around on the threshold to say goodbye.

Remus raised one eyebrow and gave her an ironic look. She said with a little heat,

"You know what I mean."

"I have been transforming at least twelve times a year for over thirty years, Tonks," he said, not unkindly.

"I know, it just seems so - rotten that you have to be on your own every time."

"I wouldn't have it any other way, you know that. Besides, Sirius is in the house if I need anything."

Tonks gave a snort. "And a fat lot of good he'd be! All he does all day is chuck whisky down his hatch or lock himself away with Buckbeak and a pile of dead rats."

"He's not had it easy, Tonks," Remus reminded her gently. "He loves freedom, and he's been denied it for too long."

"I know," she admitted, softening grudgingly. "I just don't think he should be drowning himself in his own misery when he should be helping you."

"I don't need help. I can manage."

She looked up at him doubtfully, but in return he just stood there, waiting for her to leave. Only she didn't want to leave. She wanted to stay with him, to hold him tight and give him comfort during this night that she knew would be a horror for him, however much he claimed he was used to it. She let out a deep, inward sigh. Had he no idea how she felt? Then she caught a flicker in his eyes. They softened. Quietly and almost - her heart skipped - almost tenderly he said to her,

"It's all right, Nymphadora. Go home."

He'd used that name again, even though he knew she hated it. The funny thing was, coming from him, it wasn't so bad. She hesitated a moment longer. Then she nodded and said,

"Okay. See you tomorrow then."

"Goodbye."

Tonks turned around and walked down the steps. For once, she wished she would have one of her clumsy accidents again, then he would have to come and help her to her feet, he would have no choice but to touch her, and then perhaps ... But as usual, when she wanted an accident to happen, none did. She walked safely across the square and disapparated, knowing that he had long since closed the door after her.

Remus returned slowly to the kitchen, his mind working on the night's plan. He had about an hour to go, he judged. He didn't need to check the time because he sensed the approach of the full moon, and he would know when it was time to lock himself up in his room and tuck everything he held dear in his suitcase.

"Well, did you see her safely to the door?" Sirius asked, looking up from the bottle of firewhisky that stood on the table in front of him.

Remus nodded and sat down opposite his old friend, frowning as Sirius took another gulp.

"Don't you think you've had enough?" he asked cautiously, wary of Sirius's temper.

"Enough of what, exactly? If you mean being cooped up in this dump with no one for company but a miserable example of a house-elf, my mother's screeching portrait and an old chum who sees fit to lecture me at every opportunity - yes, I think I've had enough of that."

"I'm not trying to lecture you, Sirius. I'm concerned, that's all. And I'm not the only one."

"Damned right, you're not. There's a lot of concern floating about in this place these days. You could say it's dripping off the walls. And a lot of it's aimed at you."

Remus shook his head. "There's no need for that."

"I don't know," said Sirius, slumping a little further over the table. "I think maybe there is. I hate to agree with Molly over anything, but in this case I'm starting to think she might be right. You've got a problem, Moony, old man. At least, knowing you, I assume it's a problem."

"What do you mean?"

Sirius raised his bottle towards the door, and the staircase beyond it. When Remus still looked uncomprehending, he sighed.

"Tonks, of course. Surely even you must have realised by now she's fallen for you."

Remus stared at Sirius while the latter went on drinking, apparently oblivious.

"You're not serious," he said at last. "Sirius - you don't mean that, do you? You're making fun of me."

Examining the now empty bottle of firewhisky, Sirius got to his feet unsteadily to fetch a new one, saying as he went,

"I'm past making fun of anyone, Remus. I mean it all right. Heard of the term 'smitten'? That's Tonks. Head over heels. Completely bowled over. Crazy about you."

Shaking his head in confusion and frustration, Remus said sharply, "Stop it!"

Sirius uncorked his new bottle and sat back down again. There was a long pause. Finally Remus said purposefully,

"I don't believe it. Tonks is just a girl. I'm - what - thirteen years older than she is. And just look at me. She couldn't possibly care about me. Why should she?"

Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "Who knows why girls do anything? Personally, I think you're wrong to question her motives for picking on you, and start thinking about what you're going to do about it."

"Do?"

"Of course. Come on, Remus, it's not that difficult to realise that it's up to you to decide whether you're going to let this lead to anything or not! I mean, to put it in a nutshell: are you interested, or aren't you?"

Remus thought for a moment, then he said quietly, "I've no right to be."

Sirius looked up, his grey eyes surprisingly sharp in that instant. Then he began to chuckle.

"You haven't changed a bit, have you, Remus? You always were the most stubborn, the most self-sacrificing idiot I ever met! Can't you just out and admit for once that you're in love with a girl and make the most of it? Hell, if I was you and thought a girl like Tonks was even close to fancying me, do you think I'd hesitate to show her what kind of a man I am?"

"No, I don't suppose you would. You always were reckless and thoughtless. You'd give her what you wanted for one night without a single thought for the consequences. I can't do that. I have to consider what I am, and what I could offer her. And the answer is nothing."

"As to that, you'd have to ask Tonks what she thinks you can offer her. I'm just a man, Remus. Just a bitter escaped convict who feels like he's back in prison again. I don't know much about what you've been up to these past years while I was in Azkaban, but I'm willing to bet it wasn't much. They locked me away against my will and surrounded me with Dementors, but you locked yourself away, didn't you? And now here we are, me back in prison, you still in the one you made for yourself. Now I don't have a chance to escape from mine right now, but you, Remus ... You've just been offered the key. I know you want to do what's right and honourable and protect everyone else from your hard luck. But I'm sure it's not good for you. By making yourself unreachable, you've surrounded yourself with your own private army of Dementors, sucking away at your soul. And if you don't use that key now, while you still can, you might not get another chance. You know that, don't you?"

Finally, with a long sigh, Remus nodded. "I know. And I realise you mean well, Sirius, but this is my decision, and I've no intention of changing my mind. I don't believe Tonks can care about me the way you claim she does, and if she did - it wouldn't be right. I couldn't burden her with what I am. I'm too fond of her to do that to her."

"What did I say?" Sirius muttered into his bottle. "Stubborn, self-sacrificing idiot." And he took another long draught.