Diff'rent Ships

Hermione Granger waited restlessly at the foot of the boys' staircase. Though she usually just met Ron downstairs at breakfast, the sensitive topic she wanted to discuss with him required a slightly more... privatized location.

After what seemed like an eternity, Ron finally descended the staircase in a groggy haze.

"Er... hi, Ron," Hermione began to recite. "Harry's already at breakfast."

Ron just blinked at her. "Stupendous," he said sarcastically.

"And I was, uh, thinking that I could... maybe we... could discuss something. Before we go down to the Great Hall."

"Okay..."

"Oh! Erm, actually, it doesn't have to be right now," Hermione said, flushing.

"Okay..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They walked down to the Great Hall together, Hermione shooting Ron meaningful looks that Ron was apparently unaware of. As they entered the room, Ron spotted a small gathering of Gryffindors at one end of the table. Upon further investigation, it was decided that what lay on the table between the group was, in fact, a pie.

A huge pie. It looked to be almost a foot across.

What's with the pie? Hermione thought.

"What's with the pie?" Ron said aloud.

Oh, we've always been able to read each other's thoughts! Hermione thought cloyingly.

"It's... for Harry," Neville concluded as he read the pie's attached note.

"From whom?" Hermione asked, glancing at Harry.

"It doesn't say," said Neville, his eyes still on the note. "But it does say, 'We love you very much Harry, and we only want the best for you.'"

"That's... um... that's fucked up." Ron laughed.

"Oh, it is not, Ron! And don't say 'fucked,'" Hermione scolded. "Is there anything else on it, Neville?"

Neville scanned the piece of parchment. "Er, yes, it says, 'Please share this with all your friends.'"

"Well, what are you all waiting for?! Dig in! Pie!" Ron interjected.

He's so cute when he's stereotypical, Hermione thought fondly.

After many serving of the pumpkin pie, Hermione couldn't help feeling a little odd. She expressed these views to Harry.

"Harry, do you get the feeling something strange is going on?"

"What do you mean--? Hey, Ron! You bloody wanker! That's five pieces you've had now!"

"Um, that's sort've what I mean," she said. "For one, you just said wanker. I don't recall anyone here ever saying the word 'wanker', or the word 'fucked' for that matter. And I felt this uncontrollable urge to scold Ron for swearing before, too! We're all acting differently. I mean, all Ron thinks about is food? I remember him being a little more dimensional than that. It's just odd, that's all."

"Oh please, Hermione. ...Hey, guess what? When I woke up this morning I had forgotten about Sirius's death, my abandonment issues were cured, and all I could think about was how much I love Ginny!" said Harry happily.

"Cool!" said Hermione, reaching for her pumpkin juice.

As if following her lead, several others reached for theirs, too. Hermione, however, did not drink hers, because she found a fly in it. Harry gulped his down in two sips, wiped his mouth, and gazed strangely at Hermione.

"Hey, Hermione, I know I've never expressed this before, but I am desperately in love with you."

"WHAT?!"

"What's that Harry?" Ron said, finishing his pumpkin juice. "You love Hermy? That make Ron mad! RON SMASH!"

Harry dodged the fist that Ron had suddenly heaved at Harry's skull, and laughed harshly.

"Oh, please," giggled Harry. "You simple minded ignoramus! Your brute force is nothing compared to my intellect, which is suddenly close to Hermione's!"

"WHA-? RON NO GET. RON SMASH!"

"As if, fucker! Come on, is that the best you got? By the way, I never liked you, Ron," Harry added as Hermione stared at the two in horror.

"Oh, yeah?" shouted Ron. "Well Ron go be Death Eater now! Ron always want be Death Eater! Ron hate Harry!... Ooh, waffles! Ron eat waffles, then Ron go be Death Eater."

"What on earth is going on?!" Hermione screamed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many changes occurred over the past few weeks. Ron could be found leering at Hermione from across the Slytherin table at meals, smoking pot and whistling at hot girls. Harry, on the other hand, was distraught that Hermione did not appear to return his recent affections.

"But, 'Mione," Harry urged, "I think your hair smells like cinnamon, your brown eyes sparkle, your lacy purple bra and panty combo is to die for..."

"When did you see that?!" Hermione shot. "And aren't you listening? I'm trying to tell you how Ron doesn't love me anymore- now he loves Luna. And the teachers don't seem to be teaching us anything. Nobody seems like their self. And I feel as if I've heard most of these adverbs before; like somebody can't think up new ones. And," she whispered, "have you realized that in the past few weeks all anyone has talked about has been romance? There's more going on! What about the Death Eaters? What about Voldemort? ...Why don't you care?" she added as he began staring avidly at her breasts, which had grown four cup sizes in the past month.

"Harry, would you quit it? I can't help it," she groaned, heaving her swollen breasts onto the table. "They keep getting bigger! And when I woke up this morning, my hair had gone straight!"

"Did you put on makeup, too? It looks kinda slutty," Harry said, licking his finger.

"No, I just woke up and it was there! I told you. And since when is sex all you think about?"

"Maybe you should go to the Headmaster," said a voice.

Hermione looked up and saw Snape staring, concerned, at Harry.

"Since when do you offer helpful suggestions?" Hermione asked, shocked.

"Since seven thirty-six this morning. I just woke up like that."

"That is weird... Okay, I'm going to the Headmaster's office," Hermione said, leaving the table.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As she approached the Griffin in front of Dumbledore's staircase, she realized she didn't have the password.

"Oh, for God sake, I need to get in there! I don't want Ron to be a Death Eater, and I don't want Harry to have the hots for me. I don't love Harry!"

At that, the Griffin sprang to life and allowed Hermione passage.

"Er, all right..."

The second she opened the door to the Headmaster's office, Hermione let out a gasp.

A woman behind the Headmaster's desk snapped her face up and gazed fearfully at Hermione.

"What--what are you--what are you doing here?" the woman spluttered. "How did you get the password?"

"I don't... I don't know, I just said-"

"You said, 'I don't love Harry'?"

"Y-yes..."

"Damn, I shouldn't have made the password so freakin' obvious."

"Who are you?" Hermione asked sharply.

"I- Well, you're not supposed to get in here. You really aren't. You could get in big trouble."

"Just tell me who you are!" shouted Hermione. There's that boring use of language again. Isn't there a better verb than 'shouted'? Hermione thought.

"Fine, but if I tell you, you have to leave and speak of it to nobody," the strange woman demanded. Hermione was beginning to suspect that this woman might be a bit unstable.

"O-kay," Hermione pronounced clearly. She wanted to make sure this crazy woman felt unthreatened.

"All right. But it kills me to reveal it.... This is a Fanfic."

"A what?"

"A Fanfic, a Fan Fiction. I am... controlling you," the crazy woman said hastily.

"WHAT?"

"Please don't be angry! It wasn't even my idea! I just love the Good Ship so much-"

"What?"

"The Good Ship. That's the snotty name we Ron/Hermione shippers have given ourselves."

"I don't get it."

"Okay, I should explain. Let's see.... Okay. There are some things in the Harry Potter series that many fans have become vehemently attached to. The things that attract the strongest support happen to be the ones that aren't actually addressed within the real books. That's usually romance. I mean, it's like you guys don't have genitals or somethin'! Why doesn't Harry ever wank off? Why don't we know your bust size? Why hasn't Ron realized his fucking feelings for you after six fucking years? These are the kind of questions we wish to answer. That's what's important!" the crazy lady bellowed.

"Why doesn't Harry ever wank off?! Are you on drugs?" Hermione snapped.

"It doesn't matter. The point is," said the woman briskly, "you should be happy that we are letting you snog Ron. Isn't that what you want?"

"How do you know that's what I want? Have I ever said that?"

"Well, no," the woman said quickly, "but just because we only have Harry's point of view to go by, doesn't really mean we can't deduce things."

"What kind of things?"

"Well, for starters, you gave Ron that Pre-Quidditch kiss. Umm, Yule Brawl... bossiness--" she began ticking off on her fingers "--And I counted in the Goblet of Fire that you laughed at only one of Harry's jokes in the whole book, but you laughed at two of Ron's jokes."

Hermione simply stood frozen, pondering whether or not the woman might become violent if provoked. Finally, after massaging her temples a few times, Hermione said, "Yes, that may mean I have feelings for Ron. That does not mean I stay awake at night, yearning for his loins. And did it ever occur to you psychos that J.K. Rowling does not plan every sentence around who I'm going to end up with? Get a life," she snapped.

The crazy woman looked hurt by these words, and stood up in anger. "We are just try'na give the people what they want, and don't say we Herons-"

"What?"

"Herons are Hermione/Ron supporters. Get it? Her-Ron? Yuk, yuk..."

"That's lame."

"Hmph. Anyway, as I was saying, don't say we HERONS read into every word. That's what the Harmonians do."

"Who?"

"The Harry/Hermione supporters. Get it? Har-Mione? Harmony?"

"That's lame."

"Well, yes, that one's lame. In fact, the entire fleet of Harmonians is lame. They all suck big time, those stupid, Ron-bashing, no good, ignorant-"

"It sounds like you're the one who's ignorant. You are guilty of the same thing you're accusing them of! You have the nerve to name yourself 'the Good Ship'? Harmonians could be annoying, loud, Ron-bashing assholes but you people are pretentious, snobby, self-satisfied douche bags!"

"It's not like that! Everyone has respect for all ships within the shipping world-"

"Are you blind? You just dissed the Harmonian ship!"

"Well, they do it to us!"

"You're all acting like children! Is this how you want to spend your time? Are you going to be searching for arguments when you read instead of enjoying the book as a whole? Will it cause me to end up with Harry if some Harmonian writes an essay? Will I snog Ron's brains out on a coffee table if a Heron converts a Harmonian? No, just enjoy the books, and don't give yourself an ulcer for fuck sake. It's fine to debate, but not if you always end up flinging personal insults at each other!"

"Save me the lecture, your holiness. I don't remember making you so preachy."

Hermione folded her arms in frustration. "Why do I even bother," she told the crazy woman. "All you want is an outlet for your perverted fantasies. What do you think Jo would say if she knew you dreamed about Hermione and Ron doing it?"

"Who told you--I mean, that's ridiculous. Now get back down there and finish my story."

"No."

"Yes, bitch! Now! You do what I say!" screamed the Heron, slightly frothing at the mouth.

"No. And about that--You say you support me and Ron hooking up, and you kind've did that at first, but why is Ron now a Luna-chasing Death Eater and why is Harry the one who's likes me?"

"WHAT? I- I would never! Eww. The thought of Harry liking you makes us Good shippers want to puke. Why do you lie so? Oh, tell me you lie!"

"No, I'm not making it up! Harry's in love with me. Everyone's acting weird. Especially Ron. He seems to have become mentally challenged."

The woman stared intensely at Hermione. Her nostrils flared and her face grew dark red as she squeezed tightly on the edge of the desk.

"This could only be the work of Pumpkin Pie..." the crazy woman said thickly.

"What?" Hermione was starting to release all doubts that this woman was on some sort of crack.

"Pumpkin Pie," the alleged crack-whore repeated.

"Um, why are you capitalizing 'pumpkin pie'?" Hermione questioned.

"Because Pumpkin Pie is another stupid ship name. A Hamonian ship name. There's been an infiltration...."

"It was just pumpkin pie, dude. Calm the hell down," Hermione commanded.

"What do you mean? When did you see-"

BOOM.

"What's that?" Hermione screamed.

"It's an invasion! Hit the deck!" the crazy lady yelled.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Quick! We have to get down to the Great Hall before the Harmonians steal Harry and Ron's personalities!"

"Oh, like you handled them much better!" Hermione retorted.

"Shut up! You have no idea the kind of damage a Harmonian could inflict to their characters! If you think Herons, with their summer makeovers and sudden introduction of swear words, are bad, just wait until you see what Harmony does to you!"

"But how did they get in?" Hermione asked, hurriedly.

"Did they send you a pumpkin pie?" the crazy lady whispered.

"They sent Harry a pumpkin pie, yes," Hermione answered as the shot down the stairs.

"Thought so. If you mix pumpkin pie with pumpkin juice in a Heron Fanfic, the characters start acting like they're in a Harmonian Fanfic. That's why you never see pumpkin pie in our fics. It's too risky. But the Harmonians must have realized this, so now they're sending them out in an attempt to take control of the Fandom." The crazy lady said nothing more.

They rushed down the spiral staircase, and were forced to dodge a flaming pumpkin pie as it flew at their heads the moment they neared the bottom. Cackles and screams intermingled together throughout the hallways, and changes to the atmosphere were already taking place.

"Where are they?! I'm ready ta fight! Put 'em up!" the crazy woman ranted as a canon-ball shot at her. The canon-ball exploded against a wall, releasing a tangle of disembodied screeches and moans. Amid the calamity, Hermione could not make out what the screeches were saying. The crazy Heron, on the other hand, seemed to understand every word, and her mouth shot open in protest.

"Oh, really?" she answered into the air. "Well, if saving someone from certain death indicates romantic urges, then Harry must be in love with about eight-hundred people!"

"Oh, yeah?"

Suddenly, a dark figure draped entirely in black swooped in from behind a tapestry. Slowly, he approached the Heron until they were practically touching noses. "Well," he hissed in response, "if Ron really does like Hermione, then why does he react the same way about Michael Corner dating Ginny as he did about Krum dating Hermione? Hmm? He might just think of her in a sisterly way!"

"If he treated Ginny the same way he did Hermione, I'd report incest!" the crazy Heron barked. "And just what was it that Hermione showed when Fleur kissed Ron on the cheek? She didn't get mad when Fleur kissed Harry on the cheek!"

"How do we know she was scowling because of Fleur kissing Ron? Hermione could have been responding to Fleur kissing Harry, only J.K. doesn't want you ta think that, so she put it after the Ron kiss."

"Oh yeah, because a semi-colon indicates no relationship between clauses whatsoever," the Heron retorted. "I'm so suuuure. 'Fleur smiled at him; Hermione scowled.' That's unrelated, I guess." The Heron smiled triumphantly.

"Shut up about that semi-colon! That could have been a typo!"

"Semi-colon! Semi-colon!"

"Shut up! I can't hear you, la-la-la..."

"You're so immature!" snarled the crazy Heron woman.

"NO, YOU ARE!"

"NO, YOU ARE!"

"Well at least we aren't swotty twits!" cried the Harmonian.

"Well at least we can see that Hermione and Harry make a lame pairing," the crazy Heron lady replied.

"Lame is better than potential domestic violence! Hermione argues with Ron too much for them to be happy!"

"That arguing is just sexual tension! They'll get over it as soon as they realize their feelings!!" cried the crazy woman, taking a swipe at the Harmonians face.

"STOOOOOOOOOOP!" screamed Hermione.

"What?" said both the Heron and the Harmonian.

"You're both insane. First off, Ron and I do not fight as much as you Harmonians seem to think. Second, you Herons act as if Harry and I have an absolutely miserable, boring time together! And third, did you just say arguing equals sexual tension? It doesn't always. I mean, if that were true, do you realize what that would imply?"

"What...?"

"That you and that Harmonian love each other! You argue and bicker and fight more passionately than any other kind of Harry Potter fan!"

"Oh my God. You're right," the Heron said slowly. "I ... I... I do love the Harmonians! Deep down. Deep, deep down."

"C'mere, you!" said the Harmonian, spreading his arms.

And together, the crazy Heron and the Harmonians sang:

"Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum,

What might be right for you, may not be right for some.

A shipper's born, she's a fan of many things,

Then along come two, they got nothing but their insult flings!

But they got diff'rent ships

It takes, diff'rent ships

It takes, diff'rent ships to sail the world.

Everybody's got a special kind of story

Everybody finds their own analysis

It doesn't matter that you got not a lot of canon

So what,

They'll have theirs, and you'll have yours, and I'll have this.

And together we'll be pissed.

Because it takes, diff'rent ships to sail the world.

Yes, it does.

It takes, diff'rent ships to sail the world."