Draco Finds Jesus

The question was, however, how exactly to smite Potter. Such was the musing of Draco Malfoy as he basked in the warmth of the shower. Harry Potter was often the subject of Malfoy's train of thought when he was soaping himself down. He always managed to find a different area of Harry to muse upon. As in, the different ways he disliked Harry, of course. What did he, Draco Malfoy, care for any other part of Potter? Especially specific parts of Potter. But anyway, *smiting* Potter.

Of course, lightning bolts are hard to come by, and smiting with the sword was not likely to be tolerated at Hogwarts. It would have to be something that the teachers wouldn't notice. And that meant either getting Potter to break the rules (which was easy enough) so that Harry couldn't report on anything Malfoy had done. Or it would have to be something that would be impossible to prove. Or something that wouldn't actually be against the rules. Well, perhaps the best way to go about it was to decide what would screw Potter up the most, and then work out a way of doing it. What did Potter hold more precious than anything else? Quidditch of course, he could destroy Harry's broomstick. The photo album with his parents' pictures in it, but that would be difficult to get hold of - Draco only knew of its existence because he'd heard Granger talking about it. Stupid little mudblood, she should have known better than to talk about things like that with Harry's arch-nemesis around. Why Harry ever wanted to be friends with her, he'd never know. And Weasley for that matter. Draco could never forget the embarrassment of Potter's rejection of him on the first day of term. 'I think I can tell the wrong sort for myself, thanks.' Damn Weasley, it was all his fault. The bl***y trio were inseparable now.

But hang on, there's an interesting one. Granger and Weasley. And all Potter's other stupid little friends. Harry had a bit of Hufflepuff in him, in the loyalty, friendship, blah blah blah bulls**t side of it. If he could just screw up Potter's fanclub, that would get Potter so mad! And Draco liked seeing Harry mad, oh yes. The excitement of deciding how to punish Potter caused Malfoy to scrub himself more vigorously. So vigorously, in fact, that he felt himself getting a little hot and bothered, and had to take a cold shower. (Like I think I should!)

* * *

He was reading *again*. Hermione had grown bored of the whole issue, and Ron had never been interested in the first place, so that left Harry alone to muse on what Draco was reading. Crabbe and Goyle seemed to be reading too, but that looked more like a comic book, albeit, from where Harry was sitting, he could see some quite bloody pictures in it. Griffindor and Slytherin were sitting in the Transfiguration classroom waiting for Professor McGonagell to arrive. They were meant to continue with their assignments. But Harry just couldn't concentrate. He was so intent on watching Malfoy put the book down, in hope of glimpsing a peek of the cover, that he did not realise Malfoy was addressing him until the rest of the class went silent in anticipation.

'Back of my head interesting, Potter?'

Harry hesitated. 'Nothing about you is interesting, Malfoy.'

'You're just staring into space? The particular bit of space that is where I sit? Or are you interested in this?' Malfoy gestured towards his book. Harry tried to look nonchalant. 'You want to know what I'm reading, Potter?' persisted Malfoy.

'Not bothered,' replied Harry, unconvincingly. Malfoy chuckled. He tossed the book over to Harry. Harry just had time to read the cover aloud before McGonagell walked in, 'We are the chosen people: How to feel smug and superior (Intermediate Level).' Only intermediate, he thought as they all bent over their schoolbooks.

* * *

'So Malfoy's. a Christian?' Ron asked, disbelievingly.

'No he's not a Christian. He's an idiot who gets his kicks from twisting scripture into whatever mould he chooses,' Hermione replied.

'Well, I don't know, Herm. I don't know how else you can really interpret passages like, "For this is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood,"' Harry disagreed. (Jeremiah 46:10).

'Yes. Well. I appreciate some parts of the bible are violent. But it's not important. It says in Acts we can reject the Old Testament.'

'But some of these are from the New Testament - oh yuk, look, in Revelation "That ye may eat the flesh of kings, and the flesh of captains, and the flesh of mighty men, and the flesh of horses, and of them that sit on them, and the flesh of all men, both free and bond, both small and great" (Revelation 19:18). And the New Testament even quotes the Old Testament, it can't be entirely obsolete. How do you choose which bits to accept or reject?'

Hermione looked at him sharply. 'Well if you think that it's okay for Malfoy to go around thinking things like this, you just go ahead and defend him. Jesus himself said all the commandments boiled down to loving God and your neighbour, and I don't see Malfoy doing that. And the example of Jesus must be more important than that of Old Testament patriarchs, surely. And Jesus was nice to people. So..so...so you just go ahead and think what you like. But I know he's wrong.'

Ron and Harry, stunned by this outburst, hesitated. Ron spoke first.

'Hermione, of course we don't think Malfoy's right. It's just. I can see how some people are taken in by this.' Harry nodded.

'Well.okay. But it's not important anyway. What is he doing about all this? Malfoy's up to something and I want to know what it is.'

Perhaps she spoke too soon..

In that next week, Malfoy managed to attack everybody in Griffindor in their year except Harry. If they thought he was bad before, it was nothing compared to the new, righteous Malfoy. Neville was cursed and hexed so often, sometimes he had several curses on him at once until he could find Hermione to unjinx him. Potions lessons were the worst - Crabbe and Goyle could get away with anything they chose - sometimes Snape barely concealed how much he wanted to join in. (He joined in their fun later, of course, but that's another story.) Malfoy just sat there smirking, and occasionally glancing casually at Harry and raising his eyebrow in that infuriating way he always did. Harry seethed with anger. Malfoy had become far too good at keeping cool for Harry's liking - he longed for the first year when Draco used to lose his temper instead.

Not only did Ron vomit slugs again, Malfoy also put a particularly nasty curse on him so he hiccuped spiders. Ron was white with fear for several hours afterwards. Hermione was put under a forgetfulness charm whilst her back was turned, making her forget all the answers to the Herbology test. She cried in the toilets and wouldn't come out. Eventually, Moaning Myrtle performed the counter-curse ('it was in the last lesson before I died') on the grounds that Hermione was weeping too loudly for decency. Lavender and Parvati looked in the mirror to find they had acquired magical acne. Dean and Seamus lost their voices.

Somehow, Malfoy was so much more sneaky now he'd found Jesus. He became very skilled at cursing when there was nobody around to witness it, and escaped to the safety of the Slytherin common room before anybody could curse him back. 'I know I can do it,' he was heard to boast to Pansy Parkinson, 'I have God on my side.' The only Griffindor left intact in the year was Harry.

'It's my fault,' Harry complained, bitterly. 'He's trying to get at me. He wants me to confront him.'

'Don't do it, Harry,' ordered Hermione. 'Turn the other cheek.'

'I'm not a Christian, Hermione. I'm allowed revenge. I'm especially allowed an explanation. But he won't give it to me.'

Seamus, who was drinking orange juice in the corner of the common room, spluttered it out and began to laugh. Everybody turned towards him. 'How is this funny?' Ron demanded.

'Bad choice of phrase, Harry, *bad* choice. I - er- think he would give it to you if you asked him nicely. In fact, that could be a way of wrapping him round your, ahem, little finger.'

'What are you going on about?' Harry asked.

'Have you not noticed the way he looks at you in Quidditch practise? Kind of, "Have my babies you sex god" kind of way?'

'M-Malfoy f-fancies me?'

'Only when you're on your broomstick. Must be something about your poise, your grace..or the fact you've got a large phallic object between your legs.'

'Seamus!' scolded Hermione.

But Seamus just burst into giggles.

'Oh come on, someone else must have noticed.'

'I - I thought something of the kind,' confessed Ginny, who in truth had been watching Malfoy with a jealous eye.

'I'd not thought about it, but now you mention it, he does always look at you in a very particular way, Harry,' agreed Dean.

'*Very* particular,' emphasised Seamus.

'Yeeeeeeuuuuuuuuchhhh!' exclaimed Ron, unable to put his disgust into words. 'You guys are gross.'

'Look, we're trying to be serious here,' Harry remonstrated. 'How can we stop Malfoy? Hermione, any ideas?'

'I - I think they could be right, Harry.'

'What!'

'If it *is* true -'

'It is,' Seamus interrupted fervently.

'If it *is* true, then you have a lot of power over him, Harry. You could, well, tease him.'

Lavender and Parvati giggled. 'I could help you there.' Parvati said. 'I've read every article on flirting and teasing in TeenWitch for the last 5 years.'

The disgusted expression on Ron's face intensified, if that were possible. 'Oh please, no. I can't bear to imagine it. You flirting with Malfoy. That is an image I never wanted. Thanks, guys.'

'*You* can't bear to imagine it? How do you think *I* feel?' Harry protested.

It took a long time to persuade Harry. Ron had to leave the room when Harry's flirting lessons began. Hermione pretended to be reading a book, but she seemed to listen intently when Parvati spoke. Ginny had gone a little pale, but did not leave. Neville came in halfway through, to find Lavender gazing seductively into Harry's eyes whilst Harry stammered out a few chat up lines. After they had revived Neville from his fainting fit, he informed them that the younger Griffindors would be finished in their lessons any minute, so they sent Harry to the boy's dormitory to practise teasing on Seamus, who, they found, was actually rather good at impersonating a sexually charged Draco Malfoy.

* * *

Two days later, and Harry's chance came. Harry was in the men's toilet by the Great Hall when in walked Draco. Harry started, feeling strangely vulnerable in the light of Seamus' theory. Suddenly he didn't want Malfoy to see him peeing. But Malfoy seemed perfectly comfortable.

'Seen the light yet, Potter? Put your faith in Jesus?'

'Look, Malfoy. I know you're trying to use my friends to get at me. What I don't know is why. Meet me at midnight tonight on the Quidditch pitch, bring your bible if you want to.'

'Why can't we talk here?'

'Because it's a urinal.'

At that moment, a nervous looking first year Hufflepuff walked in. Malfoy zipped up his flies, and walked out, without looking back at Harry.