It Ain't Your Father's Azkaban

A dull roar of excited voices filled the air as a small mousy-haired man with a somewhat bulbous nose entered the room and approached the podium. He held his wand to his throat and began to speak. "Ladies and Gentlemen, quiet please! The Ministry has taken the unusual step of calling the first-ever Ministry Press Conference. We hope these events will become a regular feature of how the Ministry relates news of the many exciting changes being enacted and how it affects us all. And so with that in mind, I'd like to begin by first announcing that those responsible for the incident at Cooper's Hill near Brockworth during the last week-end of May this year have been taken into Ministry custody. The two wizards in question, both students at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, will be participating in a new Muggle Appreciation program at Azkaban, which should serve to enlighten them as to what is and what is not acceptable when out and about among Muggles.

"Is it true that hundreds of Muggles needed to be Obliviated?" The man with the nose could not tell who had asked the question, as once spoken aloud, it was duly repeated by dozens of others present.

"All Muggles who witnessed the use of magic have been Obliviated and there is no cause for alarm. The Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office has assured us that their thoroughly exhaustive investigation has uncovered that this 'melee' at Cooper's Hill is actually an annual event among Muggles and is perfectly normal."

"So, you're saying none of the Muggles were 'coerced' in any way?"

"Yes, that is correct. Examination of the wands of the two wizards in question has borne that out. There was no use of the Imperius Curse and we can say with absolute certainty that no Muggles were coerced whatsoever into any behaviour they would have found odd."

"But we've heard reports that hundreds of Muggles hurtled themselves down a 200-yard nearly vertical slope in pursuit of a seven pound Double Gloucester Cheese." A few bits of laughter began to ring out. "Now, we've all heard some pretty far-fetched tales of what Muggles do for entertainment, but honestly..." The crowd burst into laughter.

The Ministry spokesman held his hand up, "We have been assured by the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Department that this behaviour is perfectly normal and in fact is repeated annually. This has been confirmed by several prominent Muggle-born witches and wizards. Apparently, this event is as normal to Muggles as Quidditch is to wizards."

"What can you tell us about Azkaban? We've been reading some rather interesting articles written by Lucius Malfoy about the treatment of prisoners since his incarceration after that horrifying debacle at the Ministry some time ago." Almost immediately, the air filled with the sound of Quick Quotes Quills furiously scribbling notes.

"Yes, we are acutely aware that Mr. Malfoy enjoys a large readership for his award-winning expose 'Life Inside Azkaban' and the Ministry acknowledges that some of the changes we have wrought are a direct result of Mr. Malfoy's influence. However, many of these changes have been in the works for quite some time and we are pleased to have finally been able to put these ideas into practice and advance a small part of wizard society by adopting a more enlightened approach to redeeming those who suffer errors of judgment."

"Do you have anything to say to Mr. Malfoy's Fan Club about the Ministry reaction to his first article, 'Hair Scare at Azkaban'? That article was met, I believe, with a protest demonstration outside the Ministry."

"Yes, we are pleased that Mr. Malfoy chose to avail himself of the new Ministry outreach program allowing our guests to publish articles in the Daily Prophet. We also appreciate the fact that as a result of the phenomenal response to that first article that Mr. Malfoy now enjoys a large readership and as such commands considerable influence among other guests of the Ministry, especially with regards to policy regarding treatment of our guests. On the bright side, the Dementors are gone and if Rufus Scrimgeour's Azkaban Prison Proposal #394 has been implemented as planned, all Ministry guests will now have access to hair stylists of their choice. This is to avoid any future accusations of unclean living conditions that arose after that unfortunate incident following Sirius Black's escape. His wanted poster made the Ministry look bad in more ways than one. All of which should reassure friends and family of Mr. Malfoy that upon his release, his hair should be much the same as it was when he entered Ministry custody. If not, we've been told to expect the lawsuit to end all lawsuits...and truthfully, the Ministry just does not have that kind of money."

"Actually, speaking entirely off the record here, it's not even the money. We have been told that Mr. Malfoy has had his hair insured by Gringott's. Should there be any damage, he would receive a very large settlement indeed. Unfortunately for us, the Gringott's Goblins would come to us and demand restitution. We just don't want to go there, if you know what I mean."

"What else is Lucius doing besides writing articles for the Daily Prophet? Is he well?" Several witches had begun fanning themselves with their hands in exaggerated gestures of approval. The Ministry spokesman noted this with alarm, but said nothing. Apparently, Mr. Malfoy had more fans than anyone had dared to think. He sought to reassure them. The Ministry did not need any more stink bombs being delivered...or Howlers, he thought grimly. That had been a most unfortunate and eardrum-breaking moment when hundreds of Howlers had been delivered simultaneously with the stink bombs to the Ministry during a session of the Wizengamot. It had taken Ministry personnel ages to clean the resulting mess, even with the use of magic, and several Ministry personnel were still being treated at St. Mungo's for problems relating to hearing loss and residual odors. Not long after that incident, the Ministry had decided to take drastic action to safeguard their own power base by appeasing the masses.

"Lucius is doing quite well. What with the hot mud baths, scented oil full body massages (done by a professional group, the Very Veela), Norwegian rock-climbing and Shuffleboard, most guests of the Ministry keep themselves occupied. We've recently added Origami and Cooking Like Muggle-borns classes as part of our ongoing 'Re-Education' efforts. For those who are in need, we also offer remedial OWL and NEWT evening classes and special Ministry Certificates for those who successfully complete the programs...the Secondary Continuing Ordinary Wizarding Level (SCOWL) and the Secondary Knowledge Remedial Exhausting Wizarding Test (SKREWT)."

"Has the issue raised in Mr. Malfoy's article 'My Better Half' been addressed in any way?" The witch who asked the question and her friends around her giggled like schoolgirls.

Narcissa Malfoy has been informed of the new Conjugal Visit Week-end Program, as have all the significant others of our guests. Brochures from the Ministry, which should detail all the new programs at Azkaban, are available upon request. The brochure in question is entitled 'It Ain't Your Father's Azkaban!'"

"Are family and friends welcome to send or bring home-cooked items? Lucius has written extensively about his wife's skills with chocolate."

"Narcissa and all other visitors are welcome to bring goodies from home, but please be advised that all home-baked goodies will undergo a rigorous and nastily exhausting battery of magical diagnostics to ensure that all such treats are magic-free. We've had very unfortunate incidents in the past with guests indulging in the unauthorised use of Poly-Juice Potion resulting in at least one case of a guest being AWOL. We feel we don't need to remind people of the tragic consequences that can result from such frivolities. The safety of our guests is our primary concern and we will do all within our power to guarantee it."

"I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that we have engaged the finest French chefs to prepare meals for our guests and the wait staff is second to none. Honestly, I don't know why we ever bothered with Dementors in the past when House Elves are so much more efficient in every sense of the word. Those guests with private means at their disposal have the option of engaging the services of a personal valet. Many of our more 'cultured' guests have found this to be absolutely indispensable to their daily regimen. Quite a few of our guests, among them Mr. Malfoy, have expressed gratitude for this service."

"In the upcoming months, we look forward to providing our guests with top-rate entertainment. The weekly Saturday Night Fever Disco Dance has been quite a hit with all ages. We are also very pleased to announce that the Rob Wish Comedy Troupe will be visiting with special guest appearances by Celestina Warbeck, the Weird Sisters and the incomparable Stubby Boardman. We've also had as of yet unconfirmed reports that Xavier Rastrick may reappear and complete his now world-famous tap-dancing routine. More on that as information becomes available."

"And at this point, I'd like to open the floor for other questions..." He looked out over the assembled witches and wizards.

"Is there any truth to the rumours of a prisoner revolt?"

The Ministry spokesman glared daggers at the woman clad in garish colours with a Quick Quotes Quill and tablet furiously scribbling notes. In his mind, he questioned who had cleared this particular woman to enter. "Yes, I can confirm that there was an incident, an intense but thankfully short-lived incident, involving the new Program Director of the Your Azkaban Wireless Network (YAWN), which we implemented as part of the expansion of the entertainment options for our guests. Programs are broadcast daily beginning just before breakfast until midnight. Unfortunately, Mr. Diggle made the in retrospect ill-advised decision to program an Afternoon of Alpine Yodeling to all guest facilities. Somewhere between four and five hours into this programme, more than a few of the guests made their way, peacefully I might add, to the broadcast booth and issued a Cease and Desist Order."

"But isn't it true," the garishly-clad woman continued, "that several prisoners managed to Apparate into the administrative offices and that magic was used by prisoners against members of the staff?"

"No, I categorically deny that anything of the sort ever happened."

"But there were more than a few rumours about Dementors returning..." The woman clearly suspected a major Ministry cover-up and would not rest until she had direct Ministry confirmation of it.

"Let me interrupt you right there since you've raised the issue of Dementors. There were no Dementors, I repeat no Dementors at Azkaban at any point since the beings left some time ago." The official raised his hand in a gesture to silence the protests that seemed ready to explode among the reporters and assorted onlookers. "What happened was this...several of the guests did approach the administrative area, gained entrance..." Again, he held his hand up in a near futile attempt to maintain silence among the crowd. He would continue to deny that any had managed to simply Apparate around the Azkaban grounds. "Please, let me explain. If you wish to hear the whole story, you will have to be quiet and let me speak. I will take questions afterwards." He looked around the room with a look that was somewhere between pleading and contempt. The crowd quieted for the moment. "That's better. All right, once the guests were in the administrative area, they merely let it be known that they would prefer the return of the Dementors over the continuation of Mr. Diggle's yodeling program. It was just a quote that somehow got taken out of context and blown out of proportion. The program was stopped at once and the guests returned to their previous activities. Everyone was very civilized and there was no unpleasantness."

The woman in garish green fell silent, but the look of fiendish determination never left her face. "Well then," she intoned sweetly, "I'm glad those rumours were false. It's good to know the Ministry is on the ball, so to speak." She chewed the end of her quill as she spoke. The Minister struggled to conceal a shiver when he thought she'd winked at him. He wondered if she was the source of the perfumed letters he'd been receiving at home. His wife still did not believe his protestations of ignorance as to who was sending them.

"Yes, well, er...are there any more questions? No? Well then, on behalf of the Ministry of Magic, thank you all for coming to the first Ministry Press Conference. We look forward to seeing all of you at the next one, whenever that may be. Thank you." He beat a hasty exit and never looked back.

"That was rather abrupt, don't you think?" Rita Skeeter looked at her photographer knowingly. "I'm more certain than ever that the Ministry is hiding something." She closed her notebook. "And I intend to find out what it is." She smiled, sending shivers down the spines of all who saw her. She was not the only one who left the Ministry nursing strong suspicions that day.

Heard on BBC later that day: "And the latest in a series of odd and unexplained events in London recently..."