The Dog Star

~ The Dog Star ~

Bellatrix and Sirius were furiously shooting curses at each other. A jet of purple light missed Sirius' right ear by inches. He fired a red beam at her in retaliation. Sirius was taunting her, as he ducked another one of her spells.

'Watch out!' Harry tried to shout, to warn him but he seemed to have lost his voice. 'Sirius!'

Suddenly a red bolt hit Sirius straight in the chest. FLASH! His laughing face changed to a shocked expression. FLASH! He was falling in slow motion.

there's nothing you can do, Harry ... nothing

Harry ignored the whispers in his head and tried to reach his godfather, to catch him maybe, to pull him back, but his legs would not listen. 'SIRIUS!'

there's nothing you can do, Harry

nothing you can do

nothing you can do

nothing

Sirius' head went through the veil - very slowly - then his shoulders - slowly - upper body - ever so slowly - his legs. Eventually his feet disappeared. The veil was rippling for a moment, then stayed still. Sirius was gone.

nothing you can do ... nothing

'NO! SIRIUS!'

there's nothing you can do, Harry

nothing

Bellatrix let out a howl of triumph. FLASH!

Again and again Sirius disappeared behind the veil...

nothing ... he's gone

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Harry woke with a small cry, and sat up in bed, trembling and panting. When he fumbled for his glasses, they almost slipped through his sweaty fingers. Harry pushed his hair out of his eyes and breathed in deeply. As his heart rate slowly returned to normal, he peered around the dark and quiet room and felt uncomfortably relieved that his dorm mates had long since been too accustomed to his nightmares to wake any more. Still breathing heavily, he forced himself to listen to the sounds of the night.

Neville and Ron were snoring softly, while Dean was turning in his sleep. Neville's latest plant acquisition was making odd gurgling noises, and from time to time Trevor's low croak could be heard from under Seamus' bed. There was the muffled sound of Ron's squabbling chess pieces that were buried in his trunk. From outside, the hooting of owls could be heard, beastly noises coming from the Forbidden Forest, as well as the rustle of the trees and the wind. Also, there were those mysterious creaks, faint pattering sounds in the walls, and far-away swishing noises that were entirely Hogwarts' own.

When he felt he had calmed down enough, Harry snuggled back into his blanket and tried to get back to sleep but to no avail. Instead he was lying awake, staring into the darkness and fought the scenes of his most recent dream that were replayed over and over again. All he had to do was close his eyes and he'd see Sirius falling again. Harry grimaced, rubbing his face as if that would help clear the memories. Shoo! He actually quirked a smile at that thought, but already the images were sneaking back into his consciousness.

Harry made a brief attempt at clearing his mind as Dumbledore had taught him but his still feeble Occlumency skills did not manage to rein in the much too powerful emotions that were swirling through his head and heart. Finally he gave up all hope of sleeping and climbed out of bed, suppressing a wince when his bare feet met the floor. Out of habit, he reached for his ready-positioned wand and cast a light warming charm. He made quite a show out of putting on his socks in the dark - anything to take his mind off things - then moved to the nearest window and stared out of it onto the grounds, leaning onto the windowsill. In the silvery moonlight he could make out a thestral darting out of the trees to catch some unwary bird. Thestrals. He shuddered at their significance. By now they weren't a simple reminder of death any more. No, as if that hadn't been enough, to him now they also were a symbol of disappointment, false hope and a reminder of his very own failure. He sighed deeply. He would not think of that now. Desperately he cast around for something different to think about, and his mind dragged up the memory of how he had seen the "Grim" out in the grounds in third year. Furiously, he shook his head to clear his mind; yet that memory had triggered a sudden desire to go outside. Feeling very much in need of a distraction, he dressed swiftly and silently, then tiptoed out of the dormitory.

A short time later he pulled his cloak tightly around him as he quietly crept out of the castle. It was cold outside but the night was clear and the stars were blinking peacefully down at the grounds. The lake was glistening in the moonlight and, drawn by the glimmering lights, Harry made for that direction.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

He cast another warming charm at the freezing ground and sat near the edge of the lake, which lay completely still. Harry vaguely wondered where the giant squid would sleep, and whether it slept at all, but mostly he was enjoying the quiet and peacefulness. Apparently leaving the castle had been a good idea because already he was feeling considerably calmer.

He was staring at the lake as it mirrored the stars. When the lake's surface quivered in a light breeze, Harry raised his eyes to the sky. For once, he was able to completely blank his mind as Professor Dumbledore had instructed, and only watch the twinkle of the stars.

One particularly bright star caught his attention. Intrigued, Harry mentally went through five years worth of Astronomy lessons to identify it, until he finally found the information he was looking for.

Sirius. The Dog Star. The brightest star of the night sky. Of course! It was strange; they had learned that in one of his very first Astronomy lessons, yet he had never made that particular connection. A light smile played around the corners of his mouth, as he imagined his godfather's reaction.

The smile faded when reality came rushing back with the vehemence of a hurtling Hippogriff.

Sirius was looking astounded and delighted when Harry came to his rescue on a flying Hippogriff.

Suddenly Harry found himself trembling again. It was so much colder all of a sudden, and his heart felt as if it had been plunged in icy water.

Snuffles was bouncing after the Hogwarts Express.

He tried to swallow, yet his throat felt much too tight. Desperate, Harry gasped for air, breathing deeply, all the while blinking furiously.

Sirius was singing Christmas songs at Grimmauld Place.

The moon and the stars were blurring. No. Determined, Harry sniffled and concentrated on breathing steadily. For a moment it worked, then...

A red bolt hit Sirius straight in the chest. FLASH! His laughing face changed to a shocked expression. FLASH! He was falling in slow motion.

FLASH!

The veil was rippling for a moment, then stayed still.

Sirius was gone!

Harry blinked more fiercely, and stuffed the ball of his thumb into his mouth to stop himself from making a sound.

Padfoot dragging the werewolf away.

Sirius defending Harry against Snape.

Sirius listening patiently to Harry's worries during fourth year.

A choked whimper escaped his throat. He felt his lips quivering, and he violently squeezed his eyes shut to keep the tears from falling.

Sirius flying to freedom with Buckbeak.

Harry tried to get up, to leave, to flee this whirl of memories... but found he lacked the strength to move. His nose was running, and the first drop was rolling along one of his nostrils. Harry found it tasted salty and of old memories.

Sirius inviting Harry to live with him.

Sirius looking proudly at Harry out of the Gryffindor fireplace.

His limbs and lungs were aching and his throat felt raw. Again Harry squeezed his eyes shut but already a second drop was quivering at the tip of his nose, with a third one following close behind.

Sirius was falling into the archway...

In a matter of seconds Harry was finally crying, as he broke down completely. The tears were streaming freely down his face, he was shaking uncontrollably, and he buried his head in his hands.

Harry gasped for breath, trying to smother the pain. It hurt. In fourth year he had been subjected to the Cruciatus curse, and that had been the embodiment of pain, worse even than this. So how could it possibly hurt like this? This - this was real. This was agony. Harry felt like he was choking. Breathing was all but impossible as a lump of congealed tears was blocking his windpipe. He felt as if his heart was being squeezed like a lemon, not to yield juice but his lifeblood. The world had been reduced to himself and the darkness around him. After a last desperate attempt to ward off this attack on his self-control, he let go of his life-line and allowed himself to be carried away. More memories were swarming upon him, and he was keening into the night.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Harry had no idea how long he had been crying. His heart was leaden as was the rest of his body, and still he felt strangely empty and light, almost as if he'd been relieved from a horrible burden. When he had shed all the tears he possessed for the moment, he wiped his eyes and his face, sniffed and hitched and heaved a last sigh.

He was incredibly tired. By now his eyes were stinging and he had to blink several times to stop that horrible dry feeling. He felt so tired and drained, yet it was too cold and the wind was too piercing to fall asleep then and there. He could have stood up then, splashed his face and walked back to the castle but he did not really want to. Instead he looked at the Dog Star again, which was unperturbedly gazing back at him.

Thanks, he mouthed at the star, and smiled. It was a tiny and rather sad smile but it was the first time he had smiled in full acknowledgement of Sirius' death.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

He was still staring skywards, when a voice interrupted his thoughts.

'Hi, Harry. Can't sleep?'

Ginny. Harry glanced up and sent a weak smile at her. It felt as if he had forgotten how to do so, and the slight motion tugged at his facial muscles in an unpleasant way.

'Hey,' he croaked. He was sure that his voice sounded more than a little rusty after all that crying. Ginny shot him a strange glance but did not say anything, for which he was very grateful. Also, if she noticed the tearstains or his bloodshot eyes she did not show it. Feeling rather self-conscious, he looked up at the stars again.

'Mind if I join you?' Without waiting for his answer she plopped down onto the ground next to him. Harry had a vague feeling that maybe he should feel annoyed at that intrusion into his personal space but he somehow lacked the strength to care either way.

Following his movement Ginny directed her gaze to the sky. 'Wow,' she enthused. 'This is such a clear night. I feel like I could see right into eternity.'

Right then Harry could completely follow that sentiment. As he gazed into the night he indeed felt as if time itself had become meaningless.

For a long time, neither of them spoke, and to his surprise Harry found he did not mind at all. Contrary to the strained silence that had followed the many confrontations over the last months, this one was actually companionable.

Ginny finally broke the silence. 'So... what have you been doing out here?' A moment later she bit her lips as though she regretted that question, but Harry had exhausted his energy, and was not about to explode.

'I was watching the Dog Star.' There was way too much emotion in that little sentence. Harry swallowed and took a deep breath, but he still felt better than he had in a long time.

'Maybe he's been watching you, you know,' Ginny suggested, as if she had been reading his mind.

'I know,' Harry agreed softly and for some reason he felt ridiculously at ease despite his sorrow.

They did not speak again after that until the stars faded into the morning light and with a last twinkle the Dog Star disappeared as if it meant to say 'I will still be here tomorrow.'