The Ultimate Power

My life is all a masquerade now
My true feelings,
My very identity,
Hidden underneath
A mask of strongest stone.
None, my love, save you
Even know it's there
And not even you can
See beneath it.
It doesn't take much
To crack it, sometimes,
But always it stays whole.
For if the mask were to break
Then everyone would see me
For who I really am.
I must not allow that to happen -
I'm afraid, my love, of
What you would see
If you saw beneath it.
So let my mask stay on,
And my masquerade continue.
Someday you may help me
Set me free, my love,
But for now the hated mask
Is my strength, my protection
From the world outside.

-Jessica "Masquerade"

Masquerade

Beginning to middle July, 1997

When Holli awoke the next morning, it took her a few moments to realize where she was. And then she remembered; everything that had happened yesterday. Had it all been a dream? But it couldn't have been. If it had, then she would have been lying in her own bed, in her own room and not in the Leaky Cauldron with that evil, vindictive mirror hanging so near to her.

She thought about everything; ran it through her mind as she showered and dressed. She, Holli Fallen, was a witch. Her father had known that she would want to enter the Wizarding world when she was of age. So he had made a vault for her at Gringotts and slowly, through the years, he had added to it so that she would not be completely on her own.

I also, she thought with a small smile as she pulled on her socks and shoes, met Remus yesterday. He was, as she had already guessed from the books, an amazing person. They were so much alike and they just sort of clicked together in a way that she had never had happen with anyone else before; not even her best friend. Remus was also surprisingly fun and light-hearted just like her. Holli was happy to have Remus with her. She could not think of anyone else she would rather spend the next two months with.

Once she was dressed, Holli walked out of her room and next door, and then knocked three times. When Remus answered the door, Holli was grinning from ear to ear. He was already dressed in a pair of navy blue robes. He looked as though he had been up for a couple of hours, at least.

"Morning," Holli greeted happily as she half walked, half skipped merrily into the room. "Sleep well?"

"Fairly well, actually. Yourself?"

"Amazing," she answered, drawing out the middle a sound and smiling broadly. "I say you heard the sounds of a roaring lion from all the snoring going on next door!"

Remus chuckled and said, "Well, I don't know about a lion roaring, but I may have heard a purr or two." He winked at her.

Holli laughed as she plopped herself down in a chair across from the door.

"So," she said, while crossing her legs, "what's on the agenda for today, Mr. Lupin?"

"Well," said Remus, watching her out of the corner of his eye, "I thought I might start teaching you how to Apparate."

"What? Repeat, please." Holli's eyes popped out.

Remus contained his laugh and said, "Apparition...you...learn."

A smile slowly spread across Holli's face. "Are you serious? You're really going to teach me?" She could barely contain herself. She could feel it building, fast.

"I did promise you that I would," Remus responded.

"Wow," she said. Freedom.

Holli didn't know how much longer she could hold it. It was there; almost at the surface. She held tight.

"Yes," he said. "Spectacular, isn't it?" His answer came out dry and dull, but inside, he was bubbling.

Remus could see it, the happiness, rising inside her. It made him strangely happy as well.

It was there.

It surfaced.

It overflowed.

She broke...

With a shriek of inane laughter, Holli jumped in the air twice, kicking her feet and legs about, gave a mighty leap and pounced on Remus. She wrapped both her arms around his neck and crushed the air out of him with a fierce hug.

"Ooff," Remus exhaled as Holli tackled him. "Easy there, Holli. As much as I'd like to be, I am not made of stone."

"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, Remus!"

Holli finally loosened her hands and wiggled herself free from Remus' neck.

"Sorry," she said, unrepentant. "Excited, ya know."

Remus nodded and smiled.

"So, where are we doing this? Here?" she asked as she looked around at the small space. She looked doubtful.

"Actually, Tom has a larger space downstairs. He agreed to let us clear the furniture out and use it. It'll do for now," Remus answered.

"Cool! Let's go," she said, grabbing Remus' hand and pulling him out the door.

"Holli, slow down," he said, trying to ease her up. "The room will still be there when we get to it."

Holli finally stopped and released his wrist from her grip. She started rolling herself back and forth on her feet, looking sheepish.

"Well...I know that."

Remus chuckled but made no comment, saying instead, "How about some breakfast first?"

"Um," she said, probably trying to decide between her haste to begin and the rumbling he could guess was going on somewhere beneath her abdomen, "well...all right."

They made their way downstairs, Holli's footsteps slightly faster than Remus'. Once they found a table, Holli ordered the first thing she saw and then proceeded to tap her nails impatiently against the tabletop. Remus took his time and hid his grin behind his menu. After Holli's fourth sigh, he conceded and ordered his food.

When their food arrived, Holli practically inhaled her eggs and toast. She choked herself twice before Remus said anything.

"Holli, breathe. Your lungs will be grateful and, in the long run, so will you. I do believe you'd like to live a long life. And, even if not, I should think you'd like for the world to know of a more honorable defeat than death by breakfast."

Holli paused, fork halfway to her mouth, and grinned.

"I actually don't think anyone has ever died from breakfast food. I'd be the first, so it would be slightly honorable. Now the second...well, if that were to be the case, I'd be a complete laughing stock." And with that, she continued her inhalation.

After Holli finished her meal, she continued her rhythmic tapping. While Remus ate, his gaze switched back and forth between her fingers and her eyes. She was looking from person to person trying to find something of interest. When she did, her fingers slowed. When the sight of her interest moved or no longer was interesting, the rhythm increased drastically. Finally, feeling Holli might possibly explode if this continued much longer, Remus raised his hand and placed it upon hers.

"Calm down, Holli. We'll get there, I promise."

As Holli's hazel eyes met his brown, she sighed and leaned back in her seat.

"I'm sorry, Remus, I really am," she said as she stared at him. "I'm just excited and when that happens, my patience runs low. I've been trying to work on that. Obviously, it hasn't had much effect."

Remus chuckled as he said, "Trust me, Holli. After having friends like I did for ten years, I am an expert with ones who are lacking in patience."

He stared at Holli for a few moments as she smiled at him. As he did, a thought crossed his mind which he'd had since they arrived here, at the Leaky Cauldron, yesterday afternoon.

"You know, there are times you actually remind me a lot of Sirius. It's uncanny, really, just how much you have brought him to my mind in less than 24 hours. Very strange, seeing as you never actually met him."

"Hmm, I guess that is a tad strange, but not very seeing as I did read about him," Holli answered with a shrug.

"Yes, but the Sirius you read about was not the same Sirius I knew growing up. Azkaban changed him a great deal and it showed tremendously in his character to those who'd known him before," Remus said. "No, the Sirius you remind me of is one you would've never read about. He belongs to a time when life was easier than the one that's came about."

Holli stared at Remus for a moment with sadness in her eyes. Just as she opened her mouth to speak, Remus pushed his plate away, launched himself to his feet and said, "So, are you ready to get started?"

Holli sat perfectly still, mouth hanging open like a fish.

"Come on, Holli," Remus said, grabbing her hand and hauling her out of the seat. "A minute ago you couldn't sit still from anticipation. Let's go."

Holli walked sedately at Remus' side down the hallway beside the bar. She didn't say anything about Sirius.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Arrmph" was the sound Holli made as she fell sideways onto the floor yet again. This, weird sounds and falling, had been an ongoing thing since they started. It was slightly shocking to Remus just how unbalanced she was, even when she was trying to spin sideways.

They had been at it for five days now and Holli had been able to apparate once; all of two feet. She was getting discouraged and Remus didn't blame her. They had done practically nothing else except eat and sleep. Obviously, she shouldn't have been a pro by any means, yet she should have been doing much better than she actually was.

As Remus bent down and offered his hand to pull her back to her feet, he said, "Holli, maybe we should take a break for awhile. Maybe go look in the shops or something? Fresh air might do you some good."

"No," she answered defiantly as she dusted herself off. "I'm going to keep at this until I get it right. I have to. I'm not going to give up."

"I'm not saying give up. That's not it at all. I'm just suggesting you break away from it for a few hours," Remus reasoned. "We could come back to it later and you very well might be all the better for it."

Holli positioned herself back on her starting point and said, "No. I'm not going anywhere or doing anything else until I get this right."

"You know," Remus said, "eventually, you are going to have to leave this room to eat and sleep. What exactly do you plan to do then?"

"I don't know, Remus!"

Remus was slightly surprised at the fact that Holli had yelled at him but he kept a calm expression and held her gaze as she stared at him.

"I don't know," she said in a calmer tone. "I just...I have to get this right, Remus. Please, will you just let me do this?"

Remus stared at her for a few more moments. She has sad eyes, he thought. Much more often than she should for her age. Finally, he sighed and stepped back to his spot.

Holli gave him a slight smile before closing her eyes. Remus watched as she took a breath and visualized the spot directly next to where he was standing. Suddenly, she twisted and vanished with a crack.

Remus' eyes widened as he turned just in time to see her pop into place beside him. Her eyes were wide as well but all too late he realized it was not from the Apparition. She was falling.

When Holli's body hit the floor, it made a dull thud sound. Her arm bounced out beside her and her elbow made a sickening clack as it connected with the hardwood.

"Naaaa," was Holli's only opinion on what had happened.

"Merlin, Holli, you all right?" Remus questioned as he rushed towards her.

"Aaahh," she moaned, "I'll be all right. Might make a few good bruises but nothing serious. Happens quite often if you can honestly believe it."

Remus laughed and said, "Really? I never would've guessed. "

Holli was still sprawled across the floor, grinning from ear to ear.

"What?" Remus questioned cautiously. She had that look.

Her grin only grew as she said, "Oh, nothing. I just Apparated is all."

"Yes, I suppose you did," Remus said, trying to contain his grin. "We may need to work on your landing a bit. Other than that, however, well done." At this, he did grin.

"Why, thank you ever so kindly, Mr. Lupin!"

"All right," Remus laughed out, "let's get you up off that floor and maybe have some celebratory lunch. And," he added, after glancing at the bruises already beginning to blossom around her elbow, "possibly some ice as well."

It was then, while bending over Holli, which Remus noticed that the bottom of her shirt had risen up slightly during her fall. He saw, with some shock and a great deal of horror, an incredibly large scar running from the front point of her diaphragm, down along the waistband of her jeans and finally disappearing beneath them on the other, far side of her lower back. There were also three spectacular yellow-tinged bruises above this scar. They looked to be no more than a couple weeks old and still horribly painful. Remus had seen many bruises like these in his lifetime. He could only imagine what could have possibly caused these on Holli.

"Um, Holli? What happened to you? Where'd these come from?" Remus asked softly.

Holli turned her head and looked up into Remus' eyes. When she saw where he was staring, she shoved herself off the floor and jerked her shirt down.

"Nowhere," she answered. "It doesn't matter anyways."

"Holli, I--," Remus began, but Holli cut him off.

"Drop it, Remus," she said in a deathly calm voice as she stood in the doorway and glared directly into his eyes. "I mean it. It doesn't concern you. You'd be better off keeping your eyes on your own bloody body and off of mine."

And with that, she walked out and slammed the door behind her, leaving Remus by himself.

What the bloody hell was that all about, he thought to himself as he stared at the closed door.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Holli roamed aimlessly around Diagon Alley for hours. The sun was slowly dropping below the horizon and the daylight fading, yet she was no more ready to head back to the Leaky Cauldron then she had been when she first set out.

There were hundreds of thoughts bouncing around inside of her head. At first, her initial goal had been to clear her mind. After two hours of trying and failing to do so, Holli had given in and started to consider the multitude of thoughts.

Yes, she knew it had been childish to act the way she had. Holli could only guess what Remus thought about her now. He was only concerned, after all.

The thing was, she wasn't ready to talk about those scars to anyone. Hell, she wasn't even ready to think about it with her own self.

With a sigh, Holli collapsed upon a nearby bench and watched the setting sun. How was she ever going to explain herself?

"Bloody hell! He probably thinks you're some kind of deranged psycho," she muttered to herself, shaking her head.

"Well, yes, talking to oneself will make them appear that way, you know."

Holli's head shot up at the sound of the voice coming from a man who had just vacated one of the shops. He was around average height, a little older than middle age, with dark black hair salted with grey and luminous blue eyes.

The man had stopped walking when Holli had glanced up. Now he was standing three feet in front of her simply staring.

"Er...sorry. Didn't think anyone was around to listen," she said, glancing away down the street, hoping he would get the hint that she would like nothing more than to be left alone.

"Ah, well, whether you believe yourself to be alone or not, it is never a good sign when one talks to themselves." The man continued to stare. Luck was not on Holli's side today.

"Right," she said, drawing out the i sound. "I suppose that proves I'm crazy then, doesn't it." Holli rolled her eyes and made an improper snorting sound.

The man's eyes brightened considerably more as he continued to stare at her.

"Oh ho," he exclaimed as he chuckled. "Seems as though your logic matches mine!"

"I'm terribly glad you find this all so amusing," Holli ground out.

The man's eyes darkened with concern, though they still held a slight twinkle.

"Tell me, my dear," he asked kindly, "are you quite all right?"

Holli glanced up and finally smiled at the older man.

"I'm fine," she responded. "Just had some thinking to do, that's all."

"I see," the man said. "I will leave you be to your thinking, but let me convey this small piece of wisdom upon you before I do so."

The man took one more step toward Holli before saying, "Things always look the worst in the darkest hours of night. Sometimes all you need is a little light to make things clear." With that, the man removed his wand from his robe pocket and lit the old, burned out street light next to Holli's bench. Afterwards, he smiled kindly and walked away, humming quietly to himself.

Holli watched him until he disappeared around the corner. She then glanced at the light, stood up from the bench, and walked towards the Leaky Cauldron.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Remus was seated within an armchair in his room when a knock sounded upon his door.

He had been trying to focus his mind on reading an interesting book for the past few hours but had not turned a page in forty-five minutes. His thoughts kept traveling back to earlier that afternoon and what had happened with Holli. It hadn't been his place to ask and he should've just let it be but he hadn't. Remus did not really understand why.

After Holli had slammed out of their practice room, Remus had spent the next hour searching for her. Finally, figuring that she did not want to be found, he had retreated back to his room at the Leaky Cauldron, hoping that she would remain within the confines of Diagon Alley and refrain from becoming lost in London.

Remus rose quicker than he normally would and hopped to the door. When he opened it, he found Holli standing there, toeing the floor.

Remus smiled in relief as she glanced up at him and said, "I was starting to worry you were lost."

Holli glanced away from him again and muttered, "Sorry, I didn't mean to worry you."

"Don't be sorry. If you want to go, then go. My only concern is that I do not want you to get lost in an area you don't know very well yet."

Holli smiled slightly as Remus stepped away from the door in a silent invitation for her to enter the room. She walked through hesitantly and slowly made her way over to the couch in the corner of the room.

Remus retook his seat and placed his book upon the table. He began a round of small talk with her, asking about what she'd done all day and seen. She answered that she hadn't really seen much; just sort of walked around in circles. After that, they both slipped into silence, not looking at one another.

Just as Remus opened his mouth to speak, Holli blurted, "Remus, look, I'm sorry about earlier. I should never have blown up at you like that. It wasn't right. It was - I just -," she stumbled over the words as though her mouth would not form them.

Remus interrupted her by saying, "No, Holli. I shouldn't have intruded upon you like that. To ask something like that so bluntly is not like me. My only explanation is that I was simply shocked and surprised. That is not an excuse, however. It was insincere; I'm sorry."

Holli shook her head.

"How about we both are sorry?" she said. "I lashed out at you when all you were doing was showing concern and it was wrong. It's just not something I'm comfortable with people knowing about and I don't really enjoy talking about how I got them. You think we could maybe just forget about it?"

Remus considered what she said and, rubbing his chin, said, "On one condition. Are you in trouble?"

Holli's eyes lit up as she smiled. "Not anymore."

Remus nodded and said, "All right then. I won't mention it again."

Holli tossed Remus a piece of chocolate that she hadn't had before.

"Thanks, Remus," she said as she unwrapped her own sweet.

Remus simply smiled and chewed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A/N: The author of the poem at the beginning of the chapter first name is Jessica but her last name is unknown to me. If you would like to visit her webpage and see "Masquerade", along with all of her other amazing poems, you can go here: http://www.seamyst.net/poetry/index.html .