Harry Potter Meets Tom Lehrer

I. This filk is based on Tom Lehrer’s song, "Smut."

S.P.E.W.

SCENE: Hermione has come into the Gryffindor common room carrying a roll of parchment and a box. She corners Harry and Ron to tell them all about her newly founded Society for the Promotion Of Elvish Welfare. The box contains membership badges. What has not been revealed until now is that on the parchment that held the S.P.E.W. manifesto, "Stop the Outrageous Abuse of Our Fellow Magical Creatures and Campaign for a Change in Their Legal Status", was also written the organization's anthem.

HERMIONE:
SPEW!
Let's give the house-elves all they're due.
And any sniggering from you
Two must be mu-ted.

You can't be fickle,
Just pay a Sickle
Or two and I'll give you a badge made of nickel.
Ron can be the Treasurer and Harry can be Secretary,
Now in SPEW.
We have you two
That makes a total of three; isn't that merry?

We
Will change the non-wand-use decree,
Or wear those tea-
Towels. Can't you see?

They cook the food we eat, do the dishes, do our
laundry, clean our filthy common rooms, dormitories,
dungeons, loos, stained-glass windows-- everything!
'Til they're paid, we'll never be satisfied!

Not to be nosy,
But is that tea-cosy
Really all you have to wear?
That's not fair.
You won't go sockless,
You'll be auction block-less
Once you stand up for yourselves.
Let's face it, I love elves.

(To Hermione's surprise, underneath that tea-cosy is the familiar ugly face of Dobby.)

DOBBY:
A hundred weeks this job I seeks;
At Hogwarts I is staying.
Professor Dumbledore will pay if Dobby wants his paying.
That's not all, there's more,
Vacations galore!

RON:
Hermione. They. Like. It. They like being enslaved!

Give in,
They think not working is a sin.
This is a struggle you can't win.
I'm much too thin
To lose my din-ner.

HERMIONE:
Who needs a hobby, like Quidditch or Astronomy?
I've got a mission-- winning Elf autonomy.
To all who would oppress them, I'm afraid we must be blunt,
We cannot fail! We will prevail, the House-Elf Liberation Front!
In other words,
S.P.E.W.!
The ways of justice we'll pursue.
The revolution's overdue.

RON:
I can't think who
Might want to spew
And trouble you.

HERMIONE:
Ron, that's "S-P-E-W".

Okay, we'll do it for you.

(Harry and Ron reluctantly pin the S.P.E.W. badges on, and they leave the Gryffindor Common Room with sheepish expressions on their faces.)

* * *

II. This filk is based on Tom Lehrer's "The Irish Ballad".

The last word of the filk, "Fin," is French.

The Ballad of Mrs. Norris

About a cat I'll sing a song,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
About a cat I'll sing a song
Who down the corridors prowled along
And found out students who did wrong,
To Argus Filch she turned them in, them in,
To Argus filch she turned them in.

One evening in a fit of pique,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
One evening in a fit of pique,
They found poor Nearly-Headless Nick.
The Headless Hunt was a filthy clique,
Who wouldn't let Nicholas in, -las in,
Who wouldn't let Nicholas in.

He said that it was his Deathday,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
He said that it was his Deathday,
And at his party they did stay.
But the rotting food drove them away
'Cause they didn't know where it had been, had been,
They didn't know where it had been.

They tried to get back to their Feast,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
They tried to get back to their Feast,
Where everyone was not deceased,
Harry heard the words of the Beast,
Wanting to kill again, again,
Wanting to kill again.

They rushed so quickly up the stair,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
They rushed so quickly up the stair,
And found these words when they got there,
"Enemies of the Heir, Beware!"
And the sight filled them all with chagrin, chagrin,
The sight filled them all with chagrin.

Thereunder hung the Caretaker's pet,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
Thereunder hung the Caretaker's pet,
As stiff as a board could ever get.
Old Argus Filch, he was quite upset,
And wailed in a hideous din, -ous din,
Wailed in a hideous din.

And when the Headmaster came by,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
And when the Headmaster came by,
He said Mrs. Norris did not die.
But was in a state of petrify,
And still had some life there within, within,
Still had some life there within.

They took her to Hospital Wing,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
They took her to Hospital Wing,
Where Professor Sprout began to sing,
Said Mandrake Root was the very thing.
"It will cure her," she said with a grin, a grin,
And now, as the French would say, "Fin."

* * * * *

III. Here is a filk based on "New Math" by Tom Lehrer (may blessings be upon his name).

Italics show McGonagall speaking to her class, in the same manner as Lehrer did to his audience at the hungry i in San Francisco. Neither Tom nor Minerva sang these respective passages.

Transfiguration

SCENE: Professor Minerva McGonagall is giving a lecture to her students:

Transfiguration is some of the most complex and dangerous magic you will learn at Hogwarts. Anyone messing around in my class will leave and not come back. You have been warned.
It is important that you understand what you're doing rather than just get the right answer.
Consider the following Transfiguration problem:
turn a tortoise into a teapot

Now, teapots cannot walk,
So they don't need feet,
So you remove four tiny tortoise feet.
Now likewise, there's no nose,
So you give them a spout,
Regroup, and you change their tops into lids,
And you add handles right there at the back,
And you take away tails, that's fine.
Is that clear?

Now instead of a mouth in its face
You've a spout,
'Cause you need liquid,
That is to say, tea, to come out,
But you can't make tortoise-shell tea,
So you make a ceramic shell.

You can then boil the water
To make the tea...
(And you know why you just cannot pour boiling water
Directly into a tortoise shell?
Because you will end up with tortoise soup, right!)...
And so you've got tortoise shells,
And you take away the tops, and that leaves tea...

Well, soup actually. ... You see why organization is the important thing?

Now go back to the ceramic shell,
And you're almost done,
And you make a pretty design,
And that leaves...?

Everybody get a teapot? No, Master Longbottom, it is not supposed to be a tortoise that breathes steam.

Transfiguration,
Transformation,
It really takes a lot of imagination.
It's not simple,
Not very simple;
Master Longbottom cannot do it!

Now, actually, that is not the answer that I had in mind, because in the book that I got this spell out of, Emeric Switch's "A Beginner's Guide To Transfiguration", they want you to turn a guinea-fowl into a guinea-pig. But don't panic. The basic principles are the same. Shall we have a go at it?

Hang on...

A guinea-pig can't fly,
Flying is for birds,
So you change the bird to a mammal.
Now it doesn't have ears,
So you give it pig's ears,
Regroup and you conjure up a pigtail,
And you add it to its rump,
And you get a little tail,
Which should not be curled,
And you take away the corkscrew shape.

Okay?

Now, instead of two feet, called talons,
You've got four.
'Cause you added two
That is to say, hooves, to the two
Talons, but you can't add any more feet,
Or you might end up with insects.

Insects? "How did insects get into it?" I hear you cry. Well, insects and arachnids will be for next year, don't you know? So if you have any more silly questions, ask Miss Granger for the answers.

From the feet you then go right
To its face,
And you turn its beak to a nose,
And you get a guinea-pig's snout.

Or, in other words,
Guinea-fowl only have two feet.
If you then add on two more feet,
Then two feet plus two others are four.

Now forget about the insects,
And we're left with skin,
And you change feathers into fur,
And that leaves...?

Now, let's not always see the same hands. Right, Miss Granger?
No, Master Longbottom, your teapot is not supposed to have feathers.

Transfiguration,
Transformation,
It really takes a lot of determination.
It's not simple,
Not very simple;
Master Longbottom cannot do it!