In Memoriam

I'm so tired of being here,

suppressed by all my childish fears

Our first day of Hogwarts, when James, and Peter, and he and I all met. That's when I knew. A glance across the Gryffindor table, a shared smile of relief that the sorting hat ordeal hadn't been too traumatic. Then afterwards, an awkward introduction. He and James had bonded immediately. Both handsome, outgoing, and full of energy; the two seemed as though they were meant to be best friends. I watched them jealously for a few days, wishing I could be a member of their exclusive friendship. They always treated me kindly, but I never felt like I was one of them. I wasn't good looking, I was shy, and once a month I turned into a monster. I was sure I'd never be accepted by them. And yet from that first day, I knew. Sirius Black was going to be a huge part of my life.

Then, an offer of friendship. Unexpected, but gratefully accepted. Peter was part of it too. The four of us quickly became one of the most well-known groups in Hogwarts' history. I found myself drawn out of my shell. When Sirius was there, I wasn't awkward. It didn't matter that I wasn't good looking, that he got all the girls. All that mattered was that for the first time in my life, I was happy. Really, truly happy. I knew my joy was short-lived though. It was only a matter of time before my new friends discovered my secret. And when they did, it would be back to Remus-the-lone-wolf, so to speak.

The full moon came. And, as so often happens, it went. My friends, intruding on my guarded privacy with boyish innocence, witnessed the change. Peter ran out, in a terror. James, eyes huge and scared, excused himself, saying we would talk about it in the morning. Only Sirius stayed, grinning happily, as though I hadn't only moments before tried to snap Peter's arm off. I lay, panting, on the floor, wishing I could die. He acted as though nothing were the matter. We stayed up the whole night, talking, laughing, acting like two boys without a care in the world. It became our ritual. Every full moon, once the danger had passed, Sirius would come to me. And when he told me he had convinced James and Peter to become illegal animagi with him, so that we could run wild together on the Hogwarts grounds, I felt my heart swell with joy and love and friendship like I had never known.

I wouldn't be afraid of anything ever again. Not if Sirius was there to make me strong.

and if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

I never thought I'd feel pain like I did when Sirius was taken to Azkaban. The hurt, anger, and betrayal I felt had threatened to overpower me. The depression of those years still lingers, like a nightmare I can't quite shake.

I thought teaching would help. I thought if I did something meaningful, something to get me out, it would make things better. I thought seeing Harry, James's son, would bring back happy memories.

I was wrong.

When I looked at Harry, I didn't see James's son - I saw Sirius's godson. I saw the lone survivor of Sirius's betrayal, and the guilt and pain nearly killed me.

The last time I saw Sirius, I had shouted at him. We had planned on living together once we left Hogwarts. My uncle had a flat in London, and he was going to let us rent it. It wasn't too far from Godric's Hollow, which would allow us to see Lily and James as often as we wanted, and Peter was living just a few blocks away. I had some silly notion that the Marauders would stay together forever.

I didn't know Sirius had made Peter Lily and James's secret keeper. Nor did I know that Sirius was already being watched by Voldemort. I didn't understand that he thought it would be easier if he just went away, if he just left us alone.

And so I yelled at him. I told him if he was going to leave, to just do it. Just go and get it over with, because I couldn't stand thinking that I might come home one night to find him gone.

The next morning, I opened the Daily Prophet to read that Sirius Black had been sent to Azkaban.

'cause your presence still lingers here

and it won't leave me alone

I spent fourteen years dreaming about Sirius. About his smile, his laughter, the way his hair always fell into his eyes, giving him that signature devilish look. I had never told him. Never explained to him that I had never known real love until I met him. We had always been just friends, nothing more.

I thought I hated him. I despised what he had done to Lily and James, and to Peter. I wanted to put those years behind me. I had lost my three best friends, not to mention Lily, who I thought of as a sister. Three were dead, and the other one, responsible for it, locked away in prison, an emotional hell. Nothing less than he deserved. Or so I thought at the time.

It helped, this hatred of Sirius. It eased the pain, or seemed to anyway. Or maybe it simply made me feel numb, which was what I had been longing for. I clung to that hatred like a life-line, wrapping myself in it. I thought that in my righteous anger, I would be able to find some peace.

When Sirius escaped Azkaban, I could no longer remain numb. My detachment, which I had prized above everything for fourteen years, vanished in a heartbeat. I was angry, yet for some reason I felt lighter than I had in years. I was frightened, but my pounding heart and rushing blood only served to make me feel excited. One way or another, I was going to see Sirius - my Sirius - again. I was sure of that much. And whether that resulted in his death, or my own, remained to be seen. Whatever the outcome, there would be resolution.

I laughed at myself for that thought. I couldn't touch one hair on Sirius's head. I would let him murder me, the way he had murdered all those others, before sending the mildest hex his way. It had always been like that with me and Sirius. He used to yell at me for letting him walk all over me, but I never minded. If he had wanted to use me as a guinea pig to test-run the Avada Kedavra curse, I would've let him.

I would have died for him. So why was I the only one still alive?

these wounds won't seem to heal

this pain is just too real

there's just too much that time cannot erase

That night in the Shrieking Shack was the most emotional of my life. I would have done anything to protect Harry and his friends, even if it meant hurting the only person I had ever really loved. I tried to summon all the anger I had let build up over those years apart from Sirius. Tried to tell myself that his death was the best thing - the only way the rest of us could go on. I failed.

Thank god for my weakness.

Because of my hesitation, Sirius was able to tell his story. I believed him. To this day, I'm not sure what it was, but something about the imploring look in his fathomless eyes made everything click into place. I hardly dared to hope, and yet...

When Peter was revealed, a weight lifted off my chest immediately. I was filled with fervent hatred for the coward, who had been betraying us all for years. But I also felt the most intense elation. Sirius was free! He was innocent and now he could come home to me, where he had belonged all these years.

Nothing is ever that easy, is it?

when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

Sirius had to leave. I knew it, and so did he. His name had not been cleared as we had hoped, and he was forced to go on the run once more. I'm not sure who it was harder on - Harry or myself. I told myself that I had known him longer, had loved him longer. But he was the only family Harry had ever known, and the look on the boy's face when he realized Sirius had to go broke my heart.

I spent that night in the Forbidden Forest, my mind and body torn between man and wolf. Each time a cloud shifted over the moon, I told myself this was it - this time I would complete the change, rush into the castle, and clear Sirius's name. It never happened. The clouds were moving too quickly, and I remained in the painful stages of a half-transformation. My mind was racing with the thoughts of a man - thoughts of Sirius - and yet my body, covered in fur and oddly distorted, would not obey.

Thank god for Hermione and her time-turner. I didn't know about the plan until much later, but when I saw the hippogriff fly overhead, I realized what must have happened. I strained my eyes to watch the figure atop the winged creature, and he swooped low. My sharp wolf-vision allowed me to make out Sirius's pale face in the silver moonlight. Tears shimmered on his cheeks, and I watched him mouth Goodbye Remus. I tried to speak, to tell him how much I loved him, to say anything at all, but all that came out was an anguished howl that echoed through the trees and disappeared into cold night.

when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

and I held your hand through all of these years

I didn't see Sirius again for a year, when Dumbledore brought together the Order of the Phoenix. I don't think I've ever been as nervous as the day I arrived at the Black house. Sirius answered the door, wearing a pair of tartan pajama pants and nothing else.

Merlin, he looked good.

He was too thin, true, and his eyes still had that shadowy, haunted look about them. But his smile - his smile was brilliant. It was that same dazzling, mischievous grin he had flashed at me on our first day at Hogwarts, all those years ago. I was captivated again. I couldn't speak, couldn't move. My breath was caught in my throat, and I felt as though time had stopped, had taken us back so many years. And then he spoke.

Long time no see, Moony.

I swallowed hard and tried to blink, but the thought of taking my eyes from him for even a moment was too much to bear. I opened my mouth to speak, but suddenly found I had no words to say. I stood like that for a moment, open-mouthed and staring blindly, when finally Sirius grabbed my shoulders and pulled me into an embrace. My hands pressed into the warm flesh of his naked back, and I breathed in his scent.

The moment was over all too soon. We had work to do, and Sirius led me into the house where all the other members of the Order were gathered. It felt good to be working side-by-side with Sirius again. We made a good team, he and I. Perhaps not as good as him and James, but good in a different sort of way.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that my bedroom was next to his.

Until his screams woke me up.

The first night I was shocked, concerned, and scared out of my wits. I ran into the hall, pulling on a shirt and fumbling with the buttons. I nearly slammed into Molly outside my door. Sirius! I had gasped, trying to get around her to gain entrance to his room. She had shaken her head sadly at me, telling me the screams, the nightmares, were a regular occurrence. I had returned to my room and lain awake all night listening to those screams. It went on for several nights, until I could no longer stand hearing his pain. On the seventh night, I made up my mind.

I told myself if I went into his room, if I interfered at that moment, there would be no going back. Steeling myself with a determination I hadn't known I possessed, I made my way quietly to Sirius's bedroom.

but you still have all of me

I promised myself I would never forget that night as long as I lived, and yet even now the memories grow dim. All I see in my mind's eye are the shadows of two men who had finally come home after so many years gone.

I didn't have a plan when I went to Sirius's room that night. I only knew that I had to tell him, to show him, what he meant to me. I wasn't expecting him to return my sudden, inept kiss. I wasn't expecting the deep passion I felt from within him.

He held me all night. We rambled on for hours, reminiscing over our school days, sharing favorite memories. There had been so many times each wanted to express to the other how we felt, but we never knew how. Together, we mourned all the lost years, and vowed never to let another pass us by.

If we had only known what little time we had, I wonder would we have done anything differently?

you used to captivate me

by your resonating light

Sirius was so beautiful, even in death. His face, still so young and unmarred by time, frozen in a look of vague surprise. He was smiling, I remember. He had been laughing at his murderer - laughing. Trust Sirius to find humor in even the most desperate situation.

That laughter angered me for a long time. How dare he laugh at death? How dare he mock the only thing that could take him from me?

But of course, that was Sirius. Brave, beautiful, stupid Sirius, who fought unselfishly until the end. Sirius, who managed to give me a wink and a grin, even as he threw a killing curse at one of the death eaters. My Sirius - whose last glance fell upon the only thing he could ever care about more than me.

His godson.

now I'm bound by the life you've left behind

I tried not to be angry at Harry. As I held him back, as I told him that Sirius, the man we had both loved, was never coming back, I tried to pretend I wasn't angry that the last person he had ever laid eyes upon was not me.

I didn't cry then. I didn't cry until several hours later, when I heard that Harry had used the cruciatus curse on Bellatrix Lestrange. To hear that young, innocent Harry had mustered enough hatred to effectively use one of the unforgivable curses broke what was left of my shattered heart. I could imagine how he had felt. I could imagine only too well what it was like to want to kill someone for hurting the person you loved, and for laughing about it in your face. Part of me aches for Harry, that he felt he had no choice but to inflict pain on the murderess. Part of me, I'm only slightly ashamed to admit, wishes he had killed the bitch.

your face it haunts

my once pleasant dreams

I've stopped sleeping since that night. I'm too afraid of what I'll see when I close my eyes. I'm afraid to see Sirius, afraid he'll glare at me accusingly, wonder why I didn't help him, why I didn't save him, when he has been my salvation for all these years.

your voice it chased away

all the sanity in me

And so I sit awake. Always awake, always watching. I wait for the coming of the full moon. And when it arrives again, I can only hope I am in close proximity to Bellatrix Lestrange.

Sirius will be avenged.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

but though you're still with me

I've been alone all along...

I live for Harry now, and only Harry. There is nothing else to keep me here, besides revenge. I keep pushing onward, waiting for the day I came face to face with his murderer again. After she is dead, I will retire. I will spend my days watching Harry grow into a fine young man. I will be his mentor, his counselor - his father. I will be the father he has twice had stolen from him, because it is the only thing I can be. It is the only way I can ensure the memory of Sirius lives on.

He still visits me with the full moon. His laughter rings in my ears, and his smile dances behind my eyes. But, as the moon fades, so too does the memory of him. One day, I will fade with him. We will run together, Moony and Padfoot, into the silver glow of the moon, and there we will spend eternity among the stars, a constellation so bright and beautiful, no one will ever forget.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still had all of me.

~In Loving Memory of Sirius Black~