The Magic of Music

Aching, tired, and sleepy, I climbed up the cold and damp Hogwarts tower, going round and round the spiral staircase, being careful not to trip. It's so silent and dark, not at all the way I remember it from my school days. True, it is very late, but even still, that never stopped my friends and me from wandering around to our pleasing. I laugh to myself. What has become of these kids?

I came to the top of the stairs to the big wooden door, fit the key in the keyhole, opened it, and walked into the room that I had been staying in for the past three days. I flipped the lights on, took my cloak off and put it in my trunk resting beside my four-poster bed. A package lying on the pillows of my bed quickly caught my eye. It wasn't there when I left. Has someone been in here?

I picked it up and examined it. The package was small and wrapped in newspaper. That's odd. I noticed it was Muggle newspaper; the pictures weren't moving. The headlines told of killings, rapes, political views, and other things that don't mean much to me. Taped to the top of the newspaper package is a card that says 'Professor Lupin' in big loopy cursive letters. I curiously tore the paper off and found a round, fairly flat, silver object, connected to a bent piece of plastic with round fuzzy things by a long black cord. I stared at it, astounded. It looked like nothing I'd ever seen before. There was a note attached, which I interestedly read to find out what this strange contraption was.

Dear Professor Lupin,

Inside the package is something called a CD Walkman. It's an object Muggles use when they want to listen to music privately. I know your loss of Sirius is hard, and some say that music is one of the best healers, and can help get the hurt out. So I've made a CD for you (a round silver object that holds music, inside the Walkman) that I hope will help you sort out your feelings. Anyways, here's how it works. You put the headphones on (the two round soft parts with the curved plastic) over your ears so that the soft parts cover them. The CD is already inside the Walkman, so all you need to do is press 'play' (the button with the large triangle pointing to the right). To pause the music, press the button with the two lines going up and down; to stop it, press the button with the square on it. To skip to the next song, press the button with the two triangles pointing to the right. To go back, push the button with the two triangles pointing to the left. Any other buttons you see, ignore them. I hope this helps you deal with Sirius, and I wish you all of the happiness in the world.

Love from

Hermione Granger

I smiled. Leave it to Hermione to think of something clever like music. Very original. I'll have to remember to thank her tomorrow morning at breakfast. Curiously I reread her letter and followed the directions carefully, placing the 'headphones' on my ears. I looked along the edge of the Walkman and found the big button with the triangle on it. I pushed it hesitantly, and in response it started to make strange noises. I hoped it wasn't broken. I waited in anticipation for a few more seconds, and then suddenly I heard music coming up through the headphones. It was very faint, though, so I searched the Walkman and found where it said 'volume' and turned it up to my liking.

Music comes blasting through my ears and dances around my head, breaking the silence. Acoustic and electric guitars filled the room, blending together harmoniously. A soft woman's voice began to sing among the guitars.

I used to get away with so much

Now I can't get away

I even thought that it was simple

To say the things I wanted to say

I sat down on my bed and started to tap my fingers in rhythm against the surface of the Walkman, feeling pretty content. So far I liked this song, it was very cozy. Just as I started to lie back against my pillows I suddenly noticed something sticking out of my trunk, a very old piece of parchment, coiled in a tight cylinder. Beaming, I got up and slipped it out of the corner of the old rotting wood trunk. I know exactly what this is!

And you told me

Everything I wanted to hear

And you sold me

Now I don't know how I should feel

I should know me

And baby you'd think I'd know better

My eyes grew wide. I hadn't seen this in years. I had no idea I still had it, much less brought it with me to Hogwarts! I took my wand out from a pocket of my robes and tapped it lightly against the parchment, yellow with age. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," I proclaimed. Gleefully I watched as a map of the whole school melted onto the parchment, like water spilling from a glass. Glad to see it still works! I examined the whereabouts of the staff. There's Filch, on the third floor, patrolling for students out of bed, no doubt. Mrs. Norris, his faithful cat, isn't too far behind.

I'm finding my way back to you

And everything I used to be

And waiting is all that I can do

Until you find your way back to me

It's the good old Marauder's Map. I remember exactly when James, Sirius, Peter and I created it like it was yesterday. It was one of those days when James and Sirius had just finished being in detention, with McGonagall I think...we were in our fifth year....

"That is the LAST time we get caught wandering the school at night! We definitely gotta do something..." James said, pounding the desk with his fist.

There was a perplexed look on Sirius' face as he twirled a lock of his hair around his finger thinking intensely, but it was Peter who spoke. "A map!" he proclaimed.

Sirius' eyes lit up, as if Peter had just reached inside his mind and pulled out the thing he was searching for. "Yeah...with all of the tunnels so we wouldn't get lost! I mean, we know most of them already, but you know, still, for future generations of rule-breaking Hogwarts kids! It'll be a service to the school!"

"And...this would be tricky, but I'm sure we could manage...what if we could keep track of all the teachers, to be sure that no one could walk in on us while we were doing something bad? And with James' invisibility cloak..." I suggested.

James raised his hand, put three of his fingers together and kissed the air. "That's brilliant!"

We signed it with our nicknames, so that no teacher could punish us if they ever found it. I was dubbed Moony because of being a werewolf, James was Prongs because he could change into a stag at will, Sirius was Padfoot after becoming a dog, and Peter was Wormtail for his rat. We filled it with all sorts of stuff for our amusement, especially things about Snape.... A guilty grin spreads across my face. It was so fun to torture him!

And you told me

Everything I wanted to hear

And you sold me

Now I don't know how I should feel

I should know me

And baby you'd think I'd know better

I had to laugh, as I picked up my wand and tapped the map again. "Mischief managed," I announced, and the map leaked away and became bare again. I rolled the blank parchment back up, and stuck it back in my old wood trunk. I sighed, almost sadly. We had so much fun in those days... Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew... what I wouldn't give to be back....

I was going to try to get some sleep; I had been working all day and was pretty wiped out. Now, for some reason, now I felt wide awake. It would be senseless just sitting in bed in the dark, staring at the ceiling until my eyes get tired, so I headed back downstairs. Who knows, I might even wander outside for a little bit. The night is mine after all. So I got up, taking my Walkman with me, turned the lights back off, and locked the door. I headed down the spiral staircase and into the empty first floor corridor of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

And I'm finding my way back to you

And everything I used to be

And waiting is all that I can do

Until you find your way back to me

I walked past the Great Hall and cautiously peered in. Hundreds of house-elves were scurrying about, cleaning tables, mopping floors, and dashing in and out of the kitchens. I smiled; Hermione would have had a heart attack if she saw this.

A smile spread across my face as I continued walking, past the old classrooms, recognizable paintings, and polished suits of armor. Everything looked just like it did from when I went to school here. A simple object or room held so much significance, it was unreal. I can point to anything in this hall and a flood of memories overwhelms me. There's the grandfather clock that Sirius once bewitched to tell the time in Siberia. I laughed. Students wandered around the school lost and panic-stricken for three whole days before anyone had realized what had been done. Walking through these halls made me feel like a teenager again, walking with James, Sirius, and Peter to Transfiguration or Defense Against the Dark Arts or any other class. My smile fades away... I wish they were here....

Until you find your way back to me...yeah

Oh whoa...yeah...whoa

And waiting is all that I can do

Until you find your way back to me

I used to get away with so much

The song ends as I push open the wooden double doors and walk outside into the silence. I could feel the cold lake air and could hear a few crickets buzz in the silent background. The song, meanwhile, switched to slow piano and angelic voices.

Playground school bell rings, again

Rain clouds come to play again

Has no one told you he's not breathing?

Hello

I'm in your mind

Giving you someone to talk to

Hello

Has no one told you he's not breathing? The words hit me like a hammer on the head of a nail. I bite my lip to restrain the tears waiting to skip down my face. Sirius... James... no matter how many years go by I can't deal with it....

I can even see it... every day I see it... it won't go away... I can't push it out of my mind... I even dream about it....

It seemed to take Sirius an age to fall. His body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backward through the ragged veil hanging from the arch....

There was a look of mingled fear and surprise on Sirius's wasted, once handsome face as he fell through the ancient doorway and disappeared behind the veil, which fluttered for a moment as though in a high wind and then fell back into place.

I saw Harry fall to the floor, his breath coming in searing gasps. I grabbed Harry around the chest, holding him back from sprinting to the archway.

"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!"

"It's too late, Harry--"

"We can still reach him--"

"There's nothing you can do, Harry... nothing... he's gone."

"SIRIUS!" Harry bellowed, "SIRIUS!"

"He can't come back, Harry," I said, my voice breaking. "He can't come back because he's d-"

"HE-IS-NOT-DEAD! SIRIUS!"

If I smile and don't believe

Soon I know I'll wake from this dream

Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken!

Hello

I am the lie living for you so you can hide

Don't cry

Sometimes I wake up, and believe I can think I can see Sirius, sitting at the kitchen at Number 12 Grimmauld Place, talking to Molly, or Mad-Eye, or Tonks, just smiling and laughing. I can see it so clearly. Sometimes I spend hours alone, just closing my eyes and seeing what used to be. I pray that the things I see with my eyes closed I can see with my eyes opened. I never can. It's those kinds of mornings I wake up to soaked pillows.

Lily and James... ruthlessly murdered... Peter... the one who ratted them out... and now Sirius. They're all gone now... it's just me. Everyone tells me things will be better, but they don't know what it's like... to be stuck... alone... anxiously waiting... wanting to be with them... needing it....

I remember the day of Sirius's funeral. It was dark and drizzling as I walked to the Ministry of Magic. It wasn't going to be anything formal... after all, who would want to hold the funeral of a convicted felon? Just a few of us from the Order bringing flowers and saying a few words at the archway. I remember, that morning as I got out of bed, everyone was whispering as I walked by, going to get some breakfast.

"Remus dear, if you don't want to go to--erm, well, you know where--we understand perfectly well, we know it's been hard on you and Harry--" Molly Weasley said, sugary sweet as I sat down and ate a bowl of cereal.

"That's ok," I said politely. "I'll go."

"Oh of course you will dear, if you want to."

They kept treating me like a bomb about to explode any second. No one did anything even remotely offensive that day to me and did what ever I wanted to do. They didn't seem to understand that I had enough courtesy to explode when they had all gone away.

I didn't want to go, and several incidents almost didn't go. It seemed too final, like going to Sirius's funeral meant that he really was gone...they were all really gone... I just couldn't accept that....

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping

Hello

While I'm still here,

All that's left is yesterday

As a new song came on, more guitars filled my head, but they were soft this time, and a woman with a gentle voice...

So I guess I'm all alone now... everyone that really mattered in my life has perished before my eyes... they've all left me here to rot away. What did they do to deserve such tragic deaths... Lily and James were caring people... some of the best people I've ever met... and Sirius... surely he didn't deserve to go... Peter, that parasite... that scum... although he may be dead now he was the one who really deserved to die. I envy them... why do they get the precious relief while I'm stuck to wander the world with so much hurt and anguish... why do I have to endure the pain of living... I want to wake up every morning and not be disappointed... I want to be free, be happy... I want to go to them... I want them to come back....

Every time I feel alone

I can blame it on you

And I do... oh

You got me like a loaded gun

Golden sun

And the sky so blue

Oh

It seems like I've got nothing or no one to live for... the Order? Voldemort? It doesn't mean anything to me anymore. Sometimes I wonder if being here is better or worse than Voldemort just massacring us all. I don't know what to do... sometimes I think of suicide... but then I'd just be putting others through my pain... I couldn't do that... but I want to... God I want to... I want to see them... I don't know what I'm supposed to do now....

We both know

That we want it

But we both know

You've left me no choice

(Chaque fois que tu ton va)

You just bring me down

(Je pretend que tu fais bien)

So I'm counting my tears

Till I get over you

"You come here often?" I hear a voice behind me say. I snap out of my world, pull the headphones down. I turned around to see who was behind me. If it were Snape or another teacher....

"Oh, hello Harry," I said in relief. He looked different, taller, and much more mature. Obviously this is how a year has ripened him. His muddled black hair and his bright green almond-shaped eyes, however, are the same as they always were. I suddenly remembered that this year he's sixteen years old. He looks so much like James; I can't help but wish he was....

"So? You come here often?" Harry repeats.

"No, I'm only here for a few days, on business for--for the Order and such. Wha- what are you doing here? Unless my memory is sli- slipping, students aren't allowed outside the castle after dark," I said in short gasps, trying to control myself.

Harry pointed to the invisibility cloak in his hand.

"Oh, I see." I felt my eyes begin to water. But I can't cry in front of him, not now. I have to be calm... I have to be strong... I have to hold this up. I'm the adult, after all. How would Harry respond if he could see how upset I was?

I haven't turned the walkman off yet. I could still hear the music coming from the headphones resting around my neck.

Sometimes I watch the world go by

I wonder what it's like

To wake up every single day

Smile on your face

You never try

Harry came and stood next to me. He sighed. "You missing him?" he asked, turning to face me.

I nodded quietly, unable to say anything.

He looked out to the horizon. "Me too."

We both know

We can't change it

But we both know

We'll just have to face it

"I've lost my parents, and now the closest thing that I've ever had to family is gone. I'm all alone. Just me," he said depressingly. Immediately I saw a look of realization spread across his face. "That must be how you feel, isn't it? All alone? The last of your best friends is gone. Two dead, and one in lost in God knows where. Oh Lupin, I'm sorry, I- I mean- I never really thought..." he said apologetically.

I nodded again and bit my lip. I shouldn't cry... I must not cry... I cannot cry... I want to cry....

(Chaque fois que tu ton va)

You just bring me down

(Je pretend que tu fais bien)

So I'm counting my tears

Till I get over you

Harry put his arm around my shoulder. "I know how you feel," he sympathizes, soothingly. Loads of people have told me that before, but it sounded different coming from him, like he wasn't just saying that. He put both arms around my shoulders and hugged me lightly. I stood there for a few seconds, just numb. Then my arms allowed me to hug him back.

We both know

That we want it

But we both know

You've left me no choice...

"Just remember," he said, his voice breaking, "as long as I'm here you've got someone, ok? And as long as you're here, I hope I have someone too."

I nodded for the third time and buried my face in his shoulder. Suddenly I heard sobs, but then I realized that Harry has been silent.... I looked up and saw a damp spot on his robes where my face had been. Looking up, I felt the wind beat against my soaked face....

We both know

That I'm not over you

La dee da dee da, dee da, ohh, whoa

I'm not over you