The Marauders Go Golfing

The Marauders Go Golfing

By Gred Weasley

With some help from Forge Weasley

It was the hottest day of the summer so far, and the Marauders we strewn in various places in James Potter's bedroom. Peter Pettigrew was slumped in a chair, absently continuing to eat a bag of Honeydukes Choco-Wands. Sirius Black was sitting cross-legged on the floor, staring into space, daydreaming about sugar. Remus Lupin was sitting at a desk, pretending to be reading a book, but instead reading the same lines over and over and not taking in more than a word. James Potter was lying on the bed, counting the number of tiles on the ceiling.

"I'm bored," Sirius announced suddenly, snapping out of his sugar-filled trance. "And would you stop eating those Choco-Wands, Wormtail? The way you're eating them, there'll be none left for the rest of us...."

Peter blushed and closed the bag. "Sorry," he whispered.

Remus sighed and snapped his book shut. "I have to admit, I am kind of restless."

"Well," said James, sitting up. "My parents just got a...what was it called? Oh, right, a television."

"A what?" Peter asked confusedly.

"Television," repeated James. "It's the new Muggle craze they're going through...it's this box where tiny people live, and you can watch them do things."

"Oh!" shouted Sirius. "That's what they were bringing in yesterday?"

"Yep," said James.

"Well, I guess we should do that, then," said Remus, standing up. He pushed the chair in. "Where is it, Prongs?"

"It's downstairs," said James, standing up also. "C'mon, I'll show you..."

The Marauders all ran down the steps at the same time, pushing each other in the process. Peter went flying down the stairs as Sirius "accidentally" nudged him roughly in the ribs.

"Sorry, Pete," said Sirius when they reached the bottom, pulling Peter up.

They all raced to the parlor. Sirius dived for the couch.

"I win!" he announced happily.

"Dammit," muttered James as he sat next to Sirius. Remus laughed and sat also.

Peter stumbled into the room. "I didn't know we were racing!" he complained as he sat down.

"Too bad," said James dismissively. "Okay--er--how do you turn this thing on?" He pointed his finger at the screen. "Um, turn on!"

Nothing happened.

"Er..." James held out his palms. "Open sesame!"

Nothing happened.

"Well, I've done all I can do," said James, shrugging.

"Maybe you have to push the button that says 'on'?" laughed Remus, pressing the "on" button.

"Oh," said James. "I knew that."

Remus shook his head and sat back down.

As the television flickered on, a woman with large amounts of green eye shadow and poofy red hair appeared on the screen.

"AAH!" Sirius yelped, jumping slightly.

"Buy Claudia's Fabric Softener!" the woman shouted in a loud, boisterous voice.

"Take it AWAY!" cried Sirius in anguish, covering his face with his hands.

Remus was reading the instruction book. "I'll just change the channel..." he said and pressed the button.

This time, a man in plaid pants, a polo t-shirt, and a plaid hat with a poofy thing on top was holding a long metal stick. He was about to hit a small white ball.

"What's this?" asked James.

"I like his hat," commented Sirius.

Remus stared at the screen, his brow furrowed. "Looks like a sport of some kind, if you ask me."

The man hit the small white ball into a small hole. The people around him clapped politely.

"Cool!" shouted Peter, who was easily excited.

"That looks like fun!" yelled James, who was also easily excited.

"Let's keep watching before we decide anything," said Remus, who was not so easily excited.

Another man walked onto the screen, only this time the hole was several hundred yards away. The man, after a couple of seconds, swung his stick hard. The small white ball went soaring into the air, and landed three inches from the hole. There was more polite clapping.

"I don't get it!" whined Peter.

"Shush!" shushed Sirius and James.

The man climbed into an automobile of some kind, except it was very small and did not move as fast as ordinary cars. He took the wheel and drove carefully to the hole.

"WICKED!" yelled Sirius. "I want one!"

"Shh!" shushed James.

The man reached the hole and climbed out of the automobile. He went to the small white ball and tapped it lightly into the hole. Then, there was even more polite clapping.

"Yay!" yelled the Marauders.

This continued for forty-five minutes, and then finally a man whose name they could not pronounce was declared the winner.

"That was great!" exclaimed Sirius.

"Let's play it in the backyard!" declared James, beaming.

"But we don't even know what it's called!" exclaimed Remus.

"So?" asked Peter.

Remus sighed in exasperation. "Okay, let's go."

"HURRAY!" yelled James and Sirius, and they both ran out the door. Peter trailed after them shouting "WAIT FOR ME!"

Remus laughed and shook his head. He turned off the television and followed his friends.

* * *

About 15 minutes later everything was set up. They were using small tree branches as the long metal sticks, an acorn as the white ball, and Sirius had dug a small hole for the acorn to go into.

"Okay, who wants to go first?" asked Remus.

"Oh, me, me!" yelled James, raising his hand in the air and jumping up and down. "It's my house!"

"But I live here too, Prongs!" protested Sirius.

"Yeah, but I was here long before you ever darkened my doorway," said James smugly. He had stopped jumping, but his hand was still in the air.

"Oh, fine," pouted Sirius, "but I'm second!"

"I'm third," said Remus.

"Aw, I don't want to go last!" complained Peter in a particularly squeaky voice that made Sirius chuckle.

"Bad luck, Wormtail," grinned James, as Sirius put the acorn in front of him. "Okay, one, two-"

"You can put your arm down now, Prongs," laughed Remus.

"Oh, right." He put his arm down. "Okay, one, two, three!"

James swung at the acorn but missed. Sirius snorted with laughter.

"Oh, shut up," muttered James. "Okay, one, two, three!"

He swung again, and this time he hit it, only instead of it landing in the hole, it landed in the neighbor's backyard.

"Idiot," said Remus, rolling his eyes. "I'll get another acorn..."

Suddenly, a head popped over the fence, said head's hand was holding the acorn. It was Lily Evans, James' long-time crush.

James immediately began messing up his hair as though it needed messing up. "Hey, Evans," he said coolly.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Your stupid acorn hit my friend on the head, you moron."

"I didn't know you lived next door," said James smoothly, ignoring the snickers from Sirius. "Maybe you can come over sometime. We can have some tea, and chat about things--like, say, my awesome talent on the Quidditch field, or-"

"Not on your life, Potter," replied Lily scathingly. "I'm visiting someone. I wouldn't go in your house even if you paid me, anyway...no doubt there are millions of germ-infested substances in there!"

"Well, do you want to play a game with us?" asked Remus before James could reply with another poor pick-up line.

"What are you playing?" she asked curiously.

The Marauders looked at each other.

"We don't know," said Sirius.

Lily rolled her eyes again. "It looks to me as though you're playing Muggle golf, what with the hole and the stick."

"Oh, so that's what it's called?" asked Peter.

"Obviously," said Lily. "Why are you playing it if you don't even know what it's called?"

"It's kind of a long story," said Sirius. "You see, it all started when-"

"I don't have time for long stories," said Lily exasperatedly. "Go take lessons at a golf club or something, if you're so keen to play it. Playing it with acorns and tree branches is so--so primitive." With that, she disappeared back into the neighbor's backyard.

"Hey, Evans!" shouted James. "What's a golf club?"

No reply.

"Dammit," muttered James, kicking an acorn in defeat.

A girl head with short brown hair popped up over the fence. She threw the acorn over.

"Hi," she said and retreated to her backyard.

Remus set the acorn in front of James. "Are you going to hit it or what, Prongs?"

"I want to learn how to play!" howled James, holding the tree branch like a sword.

"We'll have to settle with this for now," said Remus mildly.

"Oh, fine," snarled James, and swung the stick. The acorn landed two inches away. "I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO PLAY!"

"Yikes, calm down!" yelped Sirius.

"We'll find a golf club...calm down," said Remus.

James thrusted the stick to Sirius. "Your turn," he said stiffly.

"Didn't you hear, Prongs?" asked Sirius. "We're going to find a gold club."

"Golf club," corrected Remus.

"Right," said Sirius. "That was what I said."

Remus sighed.

"Oh," said James. "I knew that."

He threw his stick to the ground.

* * *

"Here's one," said Remus, pointing at the map. "It doesn't have lessons, but it's the closest one."

"Someone will explain everything to us, though, right?" asked James.

"I think so," said Remus.

"How far away is it?" asked Sirius, popping a Choco-Wand into his mouth. "Aw, darn it, that was the last one..." He turned to bag upside down, and only a few measly crumbs fell out and hit the floor.

"It's about 5 miles away," said Remus. "We should get there in a couple of minutes if we go by broom."

"I don't have mine," said Peter sadly.

"That's okay, you can borrow my dad's," said James. "Let's go, everybody!"

"Wait! We need snacks," said Peter, and ran into the kitchen. He came back five seconds later holding two bags of Choco-Wands.

"Do I need more?" asked Peter, looking worried.

"Nah, they'll have snacks at the golf club," said Remus, folding the map. "OK, everyone, let's get our brooms."

* * *

When they reached the golf club, they hid their broomsticks behind a rosebush. Luckily, no Muggles had noticed their arrival.

The Marauders ran into the large, impressive and shiny building.

"I like shiny," remarked Sirius.

"Yes, we know, Padfoot," said Remus.

They went up to the front desk where a man with an abnormally large smile was standing.

"Hello, young sirs," said the man. "I assume you wish to play golf on our grounds."

"Er, yes," said Remus, who had been voted spokesperson on the trip over. "Do you have any equipment for us? We didn't bring ours, sorry..."

"Not that we have any in the first place," mumbled Sirius. Remus nudged him painfully in the ribs.

The man bowed slightly. "Certainly," he said. "Our shop is to your left, and--"

But the Marauders had already left, Sirius limping behind them, clutching his middle.

"You didn't have to nudge so hard, Moony!" complained Sirius. Remus ignored him.

"We haven't any Muggle money, Remus," said James as they approached the shop. "How are we going to pay for anything?"

"It's not going to be a problem," said Remus. "Padfoot's brought a Dungbomb with him--"

"Right here," said Sirius, waving his Dungbomb.

"-and we'll clear out the store and leave some gold on the desk. I think gold is worth something in the Muggle world, so that shouldn't be a problem. Hopefully they won't look too carefully at the Galleons, and if they do, it doesn't really matter...they won't know what Gringotts is, anyway..."

"Oh," said James. "I knew that."

They had reached the shop. "Wait for my signal," muttered Remus as they walked in. "Okay...NOW!"

Sirius dropped the Dungbomb, giggling "Oopsie!" All of the employees and the one customer ran out screaming, holding their noses so they wouldn't breathe in the putrid smell. The Marauders were so used to the smell of Dungbombs, however, that it didn't even affect them anymore.

James wiped some dung off of his glasses onto his shirt. "Excellent, Padfoot. Now..." He headed over to the hat display. "Look! Poofy hats!"

"Oh, mine mine mine mine mine!" shouted Sirius, running over to the display and jamming one onto his head.

Once they were done picking out their clothes and they had put 10 galleons on the counter ("That should be more than enough" said Remus, not too familiar with Muggle currency), they merrily left the destroyed store.

"Wait! Equipment!" exclaimed Sirius, and they ran back inside.

They came back out with golf clubs, bags, seventy-two white balls, and a tee.

"Whee! Let's go!" shouted Sirius, beaming like he was insane (which he was). He adjusted the five hats perched on his head.

They all skipped merrily to the golfing grounds. If they had had baskets, they'd have been swinging them. Instead, they swung their golf clubs, hitting various other golfers and knocking them unconscious.

"Whee!" shouted James. "I go first!"

He placed a ball on the tee and swung as hard as he could.

"Uh, Prongs?" said Remus as the ball went flying. "The hole's the other way..."

"Oh," said James, as the ball landed. "I knew that."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Sure you did, mate." Sirius put his ball on the tee and hit it-almost. The club hit the tee instead.

"Stupid club," muttered Sirius while James laughed at him, and swung again. This time, he hit it, and it landed about five feet from the hole.

"Not bad, Padfoot," said Remus, who had on the only outfit that made sense. He placed his ball on the tee and didn't swing immediately. He kept looking as though he were about to hit the ball, but would always stop short of doing so.

"Speed it up, Moony!" shouted James impatiently.

Remus stamped his foot on the ground. "You made me lose count! Now I have to start all over again..."

They all groaned.

Ten seconds later, Sirius shouted "Just swing it already!"

Caught off guard, Remus swung wildly and the ball landed in a small pond.

"LET ME AT HIM, LET ME AT HIM!" screamed Remus, lunging for Sirius as James and Peter held him back.

"Calm down, Moony!" yelled James.

"Violence is never the answer!" agreed Peter.

After Remus had calmed down, Peter placed the ball on the tee, and swung as hard as he could-the ball landed ten feet away.

"Dammit," muttered Peter.

"That's okay, Wormtail," grinned Sirius. "It's more traveling in the golf cart, then!" Sirius pointed to a nearby one. "Okay, James, your turn to swing. I DRIVE!"

"I call shotgun!" declared James, as they climbed into the golf cart.

"I fear my life," muttered Remus as he got into the backseat.

"What was that, Moony?" asked Sirius.

"Nothing..."

Sirius started the golf cart. Remus gripped the seat.

"Wheee!" shouted Sirius in glee as he drove to where James' ball had landed. He swerved left and right, and one of his hats fell off, but he didn't seem to notice.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeee!" shouted James and Sirius.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaahh!" screamed Peter and Remus.

Sirius narrowly missed a tree and sped off at top speed to James' ball. The cart came to an abrupt halt as they reached it.

James climbed out and swung the ball in the correct direction very hard- but he lost his grip on the club and it went flying.

"Oops," said James, and went to pick up the club. After that was done, he climbed back into the golf cart.

"My turn!" shouted Sirius happily. He turned the cart 360 degrees-twice-before driving to his ball.

"I think I'm going to be sick," moaned Peter.

"Toss us a bag of Choco-Wands, Pete," said James. Peter obliged.

Sirius turned the cart 360 degrees again.

"Stop it!" cried Peter, getting green in the face. "I'm getting green in the face!"

"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" yelled Sirius, saluting Peter. He stopped turning the car around, however.

They reached Sirius' ball, and instead of climbing out of the cart and hitting it, he continued to drive and he hit the ball as he drove. It landed in the hole.

"Wheee!" yelled Sirius, turning the cart around after a while of driving like a madman. "Throw a white ball on the ground and hit it, Moony!"

"But don't I have to go to the pond and-" Remus started, but Sirius yelled at him to just do it.

"FINE!" shouted Remus grumpily, and threw a ball on the ground. As they passed it, Remus whacked it with all his might-and it landed an inch from the hole.

"Excellent, Moony!" shouted James, popping a Choco-Wand into his mouth. "Want one, Padfoot?"

"Thanks," said Sirius, grabbing not one but a handful of little Choco-Wands and stuffing them into his mouth. "You go now, Wormtail!"

Peter hit his ball and it went soaring fifty feet into the air...and landed a foot away.

James winced in sympathy. "Bad luck," he said.

"No kidding," muttered Peter.

"James, do you mind sharing?" asked Remus huffily, extending his hand for some Choco-Wands.

"Geez, no need to be so grabby," said James, but filled Remus' hand with Choco-Wands anyway.

"I like sugar," announced Sirius for no reason.

And so, this continued for 17 more holes. When they reached the last one, Remus whipped out the scorecard.

"Okay, James has 198, Sirius has 102, I have 72, and Peter has...537."

"How is Peter winning?" asked James incredulously.

"No, I'm winning," explained Remus. "In golf, the less points you have, the better."

"Oooh," said James. "I knew that."

"That joke's getting old," complained Peter.

"So?" said James, whacking his ball. But instead of the club hitting the ball, the club went soaring into the air----and landed in the hole (they weren't far from the hole, you see).

James blinked. "I win!" he announced happily.

"No you don't," said Remus.

"Do too!" protested James.

"Do not--oh, don't get me started," said Remus, rolling his eyes. "Go get your club and go again, you idiot."

After James had retrieved his club, he swung and this time the ball went soaring and only landed a foot from the hole.

"My turn!" said Sirius. He hit the ball and it landed in the hole. "Whee!"

Remus hit the ball and it landed in the hole also. "Yay! Okay, Wormtail, your turn."

"Oh, what's the use?" sighed Peter in defeat. "I lost."

"We know," said Remus, "but hit it anyway."

Peter sighed again, ate the last of the Choco-Wands, and hit the ball. It landed three inches from the hole.

"Good job, Wormtail!" exclaimed James. He ran to his ball and hit it into the hole.

Peter tapped his ball into the hole.

"Okay, we are done!" exclaimed Remus. "I win with a score of 73!"

"Stop rubbing it in, Moony," muttered Sirius. Remus laughed.

"Anyway, let's go inside and destruct the building," said James. "Sirius, you're driving, right?"

"But of course," grinned Sirius, climbing back into the golf cart. "Let's create chaos, shall we?"

And so, the four friends drove recklessly back to the building and drove over several tables outside and nearly ran over an old lady and her poodle.

Laughing gleefully, the Marauders climbed out of the golf cart and ran back inside.

"Wheeee!" shouted Sirius, throwing various sharp and pointy objects at the poor employees.

James was taking over the front desk, knocking over the guy who ran it and throwing papers around and rearranging files.

"Wheeee!" shouted James.

Remus had taken over the store, throwing clothing and equipment at anyone who entered and at the employees.

"Wheeee!" shouted Remus; throwing a particularly fuzzy hat Sirius must have missed while in the store earlier at a cowering cashier.

Peter had taken over the outside courtyard; taking ducks out of the pond and setting them loose.

"Fly, my little feathered friends! FLY!" shouted Peter, as people ran away screaming. One particular violent duck was chasing an old couple around, quaking menacingly.

"RUNAWAY DUCKS! RUNAWAY DUCKS!" yelled the old couple, running inside.

After about an hour of this, the Marauders merrily skipped off and left the destructed golf club in ruins. They grabbed their broomsticks from the bush and flew off, laughing hysterically.

FIN