Parvati Patil and the Depressed Boy-Who-Lived

Harry had learnt that there were many things that one could do to find himself in the newspaper. Defeating Dark Lords. Winning Quidditch matches....

Getting caught stark bollock naked in the Slytherin Common Room was another example. This begs the question what the Boy-Who-Lived was doing in the dungeons at two in the morning with no clothes. He'd wanted to surprise his girlfriend Blaise, but his plan had kind of gone astray when Draco Malfoy had drank Polyjuice Potion to try and get into Harry's knickers.

So, after Snape's head had gone through the roof, McGonagall had screamed, and Malfoy had got the action with Potter he'd been trying to get for six years, everyone was happy. Except Blaise Zabini.

"Dumped," Harry told his fellow Gryffindor sixth years as they ate breakfast several days later.

"Don't worry Harry, she just needs a few days to calm down," Seamus assured him.

"Or a few Hufflepuffs," Dean whispered to Ron, gesturing to Blaise Zabini who was now surrounded by at least ten Hufflepuff boys. Unfortunately, Harry heard him, and began crying on Seamus' shoulder.

"There there mate," Seamus said, patting Harry on the shoulder. "You got over Cho, you can get over this one." Hermione sat down beside Seamus, looking slightly paler than usual.

"Something wrong dear?" Seamus asked. Hermione glared at him, and if looks could maim, our lovable Irish Gryffindor would be in very small pieces on the floor.

"Is it that time of the month again?" Ron asked, grinning. Hermione grabbed a goblet and threw it for Ron's head, who ducked. Unfortunately Neville was standing behind him, and the goblet hit a very, er.... sensitive place.

After Ginny had taken Neville to the hospital wing, attention returned to Harry.

"I know exactly what to do Harry," Seamus told him. "Find a soulmate!" Everyone stared at him for a second. "Well it worked for me."

"We need to show Blaise exactly what she's missing," Dean told them. "The Hufflepuffs have planned a you-know-what for tonight. Judging by the Hufflepuffs Blaise'll be there. If Harry's there-"

"May I point out the fact that in the history of stupid ideas that have come out of that mouth none of them have ever even come close to working?" Lavender asked. Dean shut up.

"Maybe if she saw Harry with another girl," Parvati suggested. "Make her jealous."

"I've watched so many Muggle TV shows where they tried that, and it never worked," Dean told her. "But it's probably the best we're going to get since Hermione's mind is on other matters."

"Problem," Ron said. "We need a girl."

"We could dress you in drag," Seamus muttered.

"Sorry Seamus, didn't quite catch that," Ron said, his voice full of sarcasm.

"So what about this girl?" Parvati asked. All the sixth year Gryffindors turned to face her, grinning broadly (except for Harry and Hermione who were slowly eating their breakfasts). "What?"

***

"I cannot believe I'm doing this," Parvati whispered to Lavender, walking hand-in-hand with Harry towards Potions. "I mean, he doesn't even know where he is."

"Just hold it out," Lavender whispered back. "Imagine it's a girl-"

"Never speak of that to anyone!" Parvati hissed. "It is private until I wish to divulge it to the public."

"Divulge?" Lavender asked. "Have you been reading those dictionnaries again?" Parvati turned slightly pink.

"Hurry up!" Snape barked from inside the classroom. "This is no time for gossiping!" Parvati sat down beside Harry, who was staring at Blaise.

"Your Potion is on the board. Begin!" Parvati got to work, trying occasionally to distract Harry from staring at Blaise.

"For God's sake Harry, stop staring at her!" Parvati hissed, attracting the attention of none other than Draco Malfoy.

"What's this then, Potter got another girl?" he asked. "Watch it Patil, he might come back to me for some real loving."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" she asked, causing Malfoy to scowl.

"He's queer," Ron hissed from the table beside them, winking.

***

"This is not working," Parvati told them the next morning. "He needs to be reminded his name. And all he does is say Blaise's name repetitively."

"Was he this bad after he broke up with Cho?" Seamus asked Ron.

"Nowhere near it. I didn't know he'd broken up with Cho for a month," Ron told them.

"I know," Neville piped up. "Maybe we should lock Blaise and Harry in a room together."

"Brilliant!" Seamus shouted, and the entire Great Hall turned round to look at the cause of noise. Dean whispered something to Seamus, who ran out of the room, clutching his head as if it was about to fall off.

When the talking had resumed, the Gryffindors turned back to Harry.

"How'll we get them in a room together?" Lavender asked.

"What if Blaise goes berserk and murders Harry?" Parvati asked. The Gryffindors took a moment to analyse this problem.

"Where's Hermione?" Ron asked.

"She's cut herself off from human contact because you seriously pissed her off yesterday," Parvati said offhandedly (I'm sure this is a word).

"You should apologise," Dean told him.

"Thank you for pointing out the bleeding obvious," Neville said sarcastically.

"Wait, Neville made a witty comment!" Dean shouted. The whole Great Hall went silent again.

***

"Begin Operation Cat in the Hat," Parvati whispered into the walkie-talkie (because I am the author I can make certain Muggle objects work in Hogwarts. This includes walkie-talkies, Game Boys, and anything made by Microsoft, except dolls of Bill Gates, which go nuts and try to kill everybody. Wait a tick, don't they do that anyway?).

"What are you talking about?" Ron asked over the walkie-talkie.

"We have to give everything code names," Parvati hissed into the walkie-talkie. "Like they do in all those spy movies."

"Burnsy's in the basket," Lavender's voice said over the walkie-talkie.

"What?" Seamus' voice asked.

"Codenames," Lavender answered.

"What's a codename?" Neville asked.

"Oh forget it, Harry's in the Room of Requirement," Lavender told them.

"You've got who in the what now?" Seamus asked. Parvati turned the walkie-talkie off as Lavender burst into a stream of swear words.

"It's all up to me to find Blaise," Parvati muttered, as she walked slowly towards the dungeons. Then, by complete coincidence, Blaise Zabini emerged, and made her way towards the corridor which had the Room of Requirement in it, yet she didn't know it was there.

"This better not be Malfoy," Parvati muttered as she grabbed Blaise, and threw her into the room.

"Now all we have to do is wait," Seamus said as he locked the door.

Three hours later, they assumed it safe to open the door. They were wrong.

Blaise was shouting, throwing things at Harry. Harry was shouting back, and throwing curses at Blaise. Blaise had a lightning bolt carved into her forehead, and Harry had breasts.

"Check out those babies!" Ron said with awe.

"That's some nice Transfiguration," Seamus pointed out.

"I'd say a D cup," Dean said. Everyone turned to look at him for a moment. "So I'm an expert with bra sizes..." The others grabbed the two fighting teenagers. Seamus, Ginny and Lavender held back Harry, while Ron, Neville and Parvati tried to restrain Blaise. Dean looked between them, wondering where he'd be most useful.

"Enough of this!" Blaise screamed, turning around and kissing Parvati passionately.

"NNNOOOOO!!" Harry screamed, falling to his knees and crying like a baby whilst the other males enjoyed the girl-girl action taking place right in front of them and the females stood frozen in shock.

Harry broke down the door, crying, and ran around the entire school trying to find someone to take pity on him. He was running around for an hour before Snape caught him, shouted, and put him in detention.

Luckily Luna Lovegood was in detention as well, and so for the purpose of a quick ending for the lazy author they got together. And they all lived happily ever after....

Yeah right!