Oh, Hi, Mr Granger

Ron seemed to be eating a lot more than usual. He'd been edgy ever since Hermione had gone to meet him, and any attempt Hermione made at making conversation had resulted in him turning red and stuttering out something incoherent. Hermione had only seen him this bad once in the past. That had been the first disastrous try he'd had at asking her out, where he'd gotten so nervous he wound up punching Harry in the face when he came in the room. Hermione didn't want to jump to conclusions, but it seemed like a safe bet he was about to ask her for something he'd never asked her for before.

It would help if she knew whether this was a good thing or a bad thing.

She'd been so wrapped up in thought she hadn't noticed Ron was choking. What was worse is that he'd never choked on his food and so didn't know how to handle it. Hermione only noticed this when the head waiter bent Ron over the table, stood behind him and wrapped his arms around him. The first thought going through her mind was that the Italians had always been a little too friendly. Then Ron coughed up the remains of a bread roll into her soup. She put her spoon down.

After thanking the waiter several times Hermione and Ron sat back down. The waiter had offered to get Hermione some more soup, but she'd decided that her appetite could wait. Ron however wasn't looking so good.

And now she sincerely hoped that he didn't get cold feet.

Well, at least that put an end to the argument of what she would say if he asked. Assuming the question did not involve asking her if she was up for a threesome with Lavender Brown again. Once Ron had regained consciousness in St Mungo's he had assured her it was a joke. Three days later Hermione had decided to ask him if he was up for a threesome with Viktor Krum as a way of revenge. Ron had been rushed to St Mungo's again.

So Ron had wound up in St Mungo's twice and nearly choked to death on a bread roll in an Italian restaurant. This relationship was clearly not good for Ron's health.

When the main course arrived Ron began to spoon spaghetti into his mouth at such a rate that Hermione was sure he would choke again soon. She noticed the head waiter was watching their table intently, as if expecting the same thing. She was quite relieved when Ron finished the bowl without killing himself. However the head waiter was summoned anyway.

"You call this a meal?" Ron rudely demanded of the man. "I'll have another portion." Hermione glanced around to look at the people at all the other tables in the restaurant, who were all staring at Ron in mild amusement. Feeling her cheeks go red she decided to intervene.

"I'll have another too," she said sheepishly. The head waiter looked at her for a moment before bowing and walking into the kitchen. Ron took an unusually long drink of wine.

Hermione briefly wondered if this was a test to see how much she really loved him by making a complete arse of himself in a public restaurant. Then again he'd always been like this.

She strongly suspected the other diners wondered what on earth she was doing dating this animal. She often wondered the same thing. But he had this charming naivety about him. And he tried, he really tried. It was just it nearly always went wrong for him.

When the second main course came Hermione wasn't really all that hungry so she just toyed with it for a little while until Ron had finished stuffing his face. Then, with as much dignity as he could muster, he wiped the spaghetti sauce off his face, his shirt and then, unbelievably, his shoes. Then the head waiter arrived and asked if they would like dessert.

"No thank you, I couldn't eat another bite," Hermione replied. Ron looked very alarmed at this.

"Come on Hermione, you have to try the chocolate cake here, it's delicious," Ron said, throwing a rather obvious wink at the head waiter, who rolled his eyes. Hermione looked into Ron's pleading eyes and agreed she'd try the chocolate cake.

When they waited for desert Ron's stomach started to groan and rumble. He excused himself, stood up, and dashed for the bathroom. While he was gone the waiter delivered the chocolate cake.

Hermione had to admit that, even though she'd eaten a lot, the cake did look delicious. If there was one thing Ron was good at it was choosing desserts. She wondered if Ron would mind if she ate the cake without him and just happened to find "something." He would probably be upset. Still, it couldn't hurt to try one little bite.

Three minutes later she looked down at the plate she'd shamelessly licked clean. It would be a lie to say she wasn't a little disappointed. She wondered if maybe the waiter had mixed up the cakes. She found herself wondering what Ron would do if she started eating his cake.

Then Ron returned looking even paler than when he'd left. But he picked up his fork regardless and dug into his cake. He was halfway through the first bite when he looked down at Hermione's plate.

"You've eaten yours already?" he asked, the chocolate cake that had previously been in his mouth now hitting the table with a slap. "Did you... er... find anything?" It was strange to see Ron so pale yet with his ears so red. Hermione shook her head. Ron took this as his cue to begin tearing through his chocolate cake, as if looking for something. Then, someone at another table shouted something.

"Oh! Alan, I never expected this! Yes, I will marry you." Ron spun his head around to look at an attractive blonde woman sitting across from the most baffled looking man Hermione had ever seen. Ron's eyes caught sight of the ring in the woman's hand and he had to rush to the bathroom again. Hermione sighed.

Poor Ron. Things just never did seem to go his way.

###

Ginny had been enjoying a quiet evening with Harry when the phone rang. Harry had been very irritated by this and snatched up the phone before demanding to know who it was. His mood softened instantly.

"It's Hermione," he said, handing her the phone. "She wants to talk to you."

Ginny quickly agreed she'd be right over, which caused Harry to groan loudly. She got dressed again, which seemed to make Harry even more upset because he cast a Vanishing Charm on her shoes and refused to remove unless she kissed him goodbye. She did, though he still didn't remove the charm. In the end she stole a pair of his shoes.

She went plodding down the stairs in Harry's surprisingly roomy trainers and grabbed her purse and keys from the table beside the door. Then she opened the door to see her brother standing outside in the pouring rain.

###

Harry poured out two glasses of Firewhiskey whilst Ron cast a Drying Charm on himself. Only when Ron was completely dry would Harry let him lie down on the new sofa, leaving Harry to collapse into the armchair.

"So, are you going to tell me what happened?" Harry asked.

"I was going to propose tonight," Ron replied slowly. "But everything just went wrong." He told Harry everything from his inability to speak throughout the entire meal to Confunding the other couple so they'd give him his ring back. Harry decided it best to overlook the dubious legality of this. His friend was obviously upset.

"It shouldn't be this hard," Ron groaned. "I mean, how did you do it."

Harry thought back to that fateful day in the Burrow...

Ginny was standing in front of him.

"Harry, I'm pregnant."

He hit the ground with a THUMP! Mrs Weasley had come sprinting up the stairs to revive him. Then he'd sprinted out of the house to find a ring. Ginny had of course misconstrued this as him leaving her and so had cried all afternoon. She as more relieved than anything else when Harry returned with a ring.

"Thankfully Ron never tried to do the math or he'd have realised James came along only seven months after we were married," Ginny said. Hermione nodded. The two girls were sitting in Hermione's modest apartment in London, which kept her within walking distance of the Ministry of Magic. While Harry had poured out Firewhiskey Ginny had settled for making tea.

"Still, I feel really bad now," Hermione said. "He's bound to think I've worked it out by now. And after that disaster I'm not sure he'll be able to work up the courage again anytime soon."

"Well, have you two ever talked about stuff like this?" Ginny asked. Hermione shook her head. "So all you need to do is put it out there that you might be ready for marriage. But be subtle about it."

"I tried being subtle for four years and it never worked. In the end I just kissed him and got on with it."

Meanwhile, Ron wasn't taking Harry's news so well.

"You got my sister pregnant before you got married?" he demanded, shaking his glass of Firewhiskey so that some of it spilt over Harry's brand new leather sofa. "If you weren't my best mate I'd kill you. No, scrap that. I'm going to kill you anyway!"

Harry was torn between his desire to live and his desire to protect his new sofa.

When Ron had finally calmed down Harry made a couple of phone calls to every man he knew who had ever gotten married. Within a few minutes his living room was full of men, including five more Weasleys, Neville Longbottom, Seamus Finnigan, Dean Thomas, Oliver Wood, Professor Flitwick and, to Ron's horror, Draco Malfoy.

Harry quickly decided they'd need more Firewhiskey. It just wasn't the same if you used a Refilling Charm, so he sent Seamus to Apparate and get more. He was back within thirty seconds with seven bottles of the stuff.

Once everyone had been squeezed into some manner of chair everyone looked at Ron as if expecting him to make the first speech. Harry cleared his throat and all attention turned to him.

"Er, right guys. The thing is... here's the thing..."

"Get on with it Potter," Malfoy called. "We came here to watch Weasley squirm, not you."

"Right, Ron's having a bit of trouble," Harry said. "He wanted to ask Hermione to marry him tonight." Malfoy made a noise that suggested disgust. Harry ignored it and ploughed on. "The only thing it everything kind of went wrong." He then proceeded to describe, in elaborate detail, everything that had went wrong that evening. Malfoy seemed particularly amused by all this, but he was refrained from saying anything due to Harry's clever seating arrangements placing him between Bill and Charlie Weasley.

"So, I need you guys' help," Ron said when Harry had finished speaking and Malfoy finished laughing. "I need to know just how I should propose to Hermione."

"Well, I advise against getting down on one knee," old Professor Flitwick said. "I did that and my wife couldn't see me."

"No, I think the only way to do it is going down on one knee," Bill said. "That's what I did with Fleur."

"What about you, Dad?" Charlie asked. "You're the one who's been married the longest. How'd you propose to Mum?" Arthur Weasley looked fairly surprised at being addressed at all.

He was sitting in the Ford Anglia with the lovely Molly Prewett. He took a bottle of champagne out of the Muggle insulation bag in the back. Muggles really were wonderful, bless them. But he was getting sidetracked. So he poured two glasses of champagne and handed one to his girlfriend.

"Say, Mollywobbles," Arthur said. "I don't think I tell you enough how beautiful you are." He raised his glass. "To the most beautiful woman in the world!"

"You know Arthur," Molly said with a sly look. "There's an awful lot of space in the back of this car. I reckon two people would be quite comfortable in there."

"Molly, my dear," he replied, unbuttoning his shirt. "I'm way ahead of you."

"Dad," Bill interrupted. "I think we get the picture." Malfoy looked about ready to be sick.

"Well, I think it's time for the romantic Mr Malfoy to elaborate on how he proposed," Seamus said with a grin. "This ought to be good for a laugh."

"One knee," Malfoy mumbled. "Always one knee. Where's your bathroom?" Malfoy rushed up the stairs to the bathroom. Harry suspected it would take a long time, so he decided to move things along by asking Percy, who had previously been silent.

"Well," he said proudly, puffing out his chest as though his Head Boy badge was still pinned there. "I got special permission to have dinner at Hogwarts that evening, where we first met, you see. I prepared a table on top of the Astronomy Tower; cast a couple of charms and the like. It was where we had are first date, only that time we didn't have any food."

There was something about the unabashed way he said it that made Malfoy's vomiting seem all the louder. Arthur was looking proudly at his son.

"Well, Penny's a smart girl. She knew exactly what I was up to, but I was determined to make her wait. So we had dinner, made by those delightful House Elves. I was sure to thank them of course. Then, after they brought up a bottle of the bubbly, I got down on one knee and proposed."

It was a wonder that the same family that produced someone like Ron could produce someone as pompous as Percy.

"And then you had sex?" George asked.

"Naturally."

Malfoy could be heard vomiting again.

"Right there on the tower."

"Um, yes."

"With all the House Elves watching?"

"Oh dear, I never thought about that."

Pleased enough that he'd told Percy something that would keep him guessing for the rest of his natural life George returned his attention to Ron.

"Look man, the best thing to do is to go back to that first date. Girls love it when you remember that sort of stuff. What was your first date?"

Everyone looked at Ron, who was determined to look anywhere else.

"Disastrous," Hermione told Ginny. "You remember how hard it had been for him to ask me out. Well, it only went downhill for him from there..."

Ron had never been more nervous in his life. He'd been determined that he would pick Hermione up, which had seemed like a perfectly reasonable idea at the time. The only problem was he had, on occasion, being known to botch Apparation. This time he'd had to go back for his hair. Harry had been very amused.

So he arrived on the doorstep of Hermione's parents' house with a bouquet of flowers in hand. Hermione's father opened the door and the flowers promptly turned into a fake wand. It took every ounce of his strength not to use every swearword he knew in connection with George's name. He gave Mr Granger a crooked smile. Mr Granger did not return it.

The moment he turned his back Ron had his wand out and conjured up another bouquet of flowers. This smell had the added benefit of letting off a sound like a cannon. Mr Granger dived behind a table. When he emerged Ron gave a sheepish grin.

"Sorry, must have been something I ate," he said.

All the men seemed very amused by this, even Malfoy who was currently in the hall standing beside the bathroom door just in case Weasley said something else that required him to rush back in.

Mr Granger led him into the living room, where Mrs Granger was waiting for them. Mrs Granger said she'd go and tell Hermione that Ron had arrived. This left Ron alone with Mr Granger.

"Oh, it's a tough one," Arthur said. "Having to meet your daughter's boyfriend for the first time. You can't help but feel as though this boy is going to take your little girl away from you."

"Dad, the first time you met Harry he was twelve. And Ginny was ten," Bill reminded him.

"I know it doesn't make sense, but that was just how I felt."

"So, Hermione has told us a lot about you," Mr Granger said. "I have to say I was a little surprised. The way she spoke I always thought she was more into her friend Harry."

Ron's eye twitched.

He was very glad when the distraction of Hermione coming down the stairs arrived. She'd worked very hard on her hair (presumably using the same potion she used for the Yule Ball) so that it was straight again, and only now did Ron notice just how long it was. He couldn't help but wonder why Dumbledore had never saw fit to hire a hairdresser for the students. Then again that man's hair had been even longer.

"These are for you," Ron said, handing her the bouquet of flowers. He watched intently as Hermione's mother found a vase for them, afraid that they might turn into a wand again. Luckily they didn't.

"So, where will you be going tonight?" Mr Granger asked, looking Ron's dress robes up and down. Dentists, Ron remembered Hermione saying, often earned a fair bit of money and so didn't appreciate wizards' taste in formal wear. Apparently her mother had nearly died when she'd shown her a picture of Krum from the Yule Ball.

As if thinking about Krum at a time like this was a good idea. Ron shook his head and tried to get the Quidditch star out of his head.

"Oh, there's this lovely restaurant in Bulgar - London!" Ron fiddled with his watch. "We're going to London."

"That's a long way," Mr Granger said. "How do you plan on getting there?"

"Er, magic," Ron replied. He hoped that didn't sound cheeky. If it did then Mr Granger didn't say anything about it. He and Mrs Granger told them to have fun then watched at they walked out of the house and down the garden path where they promptly vanished.

"You look beautiful, you know," Ron said once they'd found their bearings again. They had materialised in Diagon Alley, and Ron led her to a restaurant where, thanks to his connections to a Mr. H. Potter, he'd been able to get a table. The waiter greeted them cheerfully then sat them both down.

Dinner had been alright. Ron had eaten slowly and in a civilised manner just as he and Harry had practiced. Hermione looked surprised but said nothing. However Ron had ordered so much food that it took him a very long time to eat it.

At the end of the dinner the waiter had cleared the table and Ron asked for the bill. The waiter had declined.

"Of course not. No friend of Harry Potter need pay here," the waiter insisted. This was apparently the first mention Hermione had ever heard of several fancy restaurants giving Harry tables on permanent reserve. She had been quite upset to hear about Harry abusing his hero status in such a way, but nowhere near as upset as Ron, who had shouted the waiter down and demanded that he be allowed to pay for his own meal. Ron then left possibly the most generous tip the waiter had ever seen. For Ron this was a matter of pride. And pride makes you do stupid things.

Ron had then planned a moonlight stroll down by the Thames, but it had been broken up when three youths came out with knives and tried to rob them. Ron may have been trying to show off a little bit and wound up getting stabbed in the leg. Hermione had healed it but without any dittany it was sure to scar. Ron then rather blatantly asked if she thought scars were sexy. She said yes, to which he demanded to know if she thought Harry was sexy.

"You have to admit, you walked right into that one," Ginny pointed out.

"Oh come on, I was trying to spare Ron's feelings," Hermione said. "I could hardly say 'no Ron, your little cut from a knife makes me want to retch'. And he has that big scar on his arm already from when he got splinched."

They'd walked in silence without talking to each other for a while.

"Sorry," Ron muttered at last.

"I'm sorry too," Hermione said. "I never thought to bring Potions supplies on our date." This seemed to cheer Ron up a little bit.

"So, I guess that means... you didn't think anything would go wrong?" Ron asked. Hermione merely nodded, which caused Ron to grin broadly. "And you had fun, right?"

"Yes," Hermione said. Then she said it louder, as if more sure of it. "Yes, I had a great time. Even when you started shouting things at that waiter."

"It'll be one of those things to tell the grandkids some day."

"Grandkids?"

Ron's smile faded.

"Don't... don't you ever think about stuff like that?" he asked. If Hermione told the truth she would say no. But she decided that she never wanted to see that look on Ron's face again.

"Yeah, sometimes," Hermione said. Ron looked fairly pleased. He grabbed her arm and they stopped walking.

"I had a great time too," he said, unsure of what else he could say. He leant in to kiss her...

"I don't see what the problem is," Ginny said. "It seemed to be going fine."

"No, it's what happened next," Hermione said glumly.

He missed.

"You missed?" Malfoy asked in disbelief.

"RON! Ron are you okay!?"

"He fell in the river?" Ginny looked at her as if begging her to say it wasn't true. "You were two feet in front of him and he wound up in the river."

"Help! Please help! My boyfriend fell in the river," Hermione called to the police officers. One of them called in something on the radio. The other just looked at Hermione.

"How?"

Malfoy looked like he might die of happiness. All the guys looked slightly nervous, but continued listening intently. This was the first time any of them, Harry included, had heard this story.

Hermione flicked on the light switch. She'd Apparated straight back into her room so as to avoid awkward questions from her parents. She'd had to use Memory Charms on the officers to prevent them from taking Ron to the hospital. Now she was levitating him using her wand, as he was still unconscious. She lowered him gently onto the bed. His robes were soaking, so she gently removed them. Thankfully he was still wearing underwear and a t-shirt.

She managed to wake him up eventually. He looked around the room for a moment.

"This isn't my bedroom," he muttered.

"No, you're in mine," Hermione said.

Ron had panicked. This wasn't right. He shouted something about them not being married, grabbed his robes and ran out of the room. Hermione heard the clattering of his feet stop suddenly.

"Oh, hi Mr Granger. How are you this evening?"

"You can appreciate how bad it must have looked," Harry said as Ron lowered his head into his hands. "The boy coming out of his daughter's bedroom half dressed."

"I hate my life," Ron mumbled. For a while everyone was silent. Then George said something.

"So reliving the first date is right out the window then."

"Right Weasley, you still have the ring, right?" Malfoy asked, returning to the room. "The way I see it you've just got to slap on a pair of testicles, march up to her door and get down on one knee."

"That doesn't seem very romantic," Bill muttered.

"If Granger wanted a romantic man she wouldn't have gone out with a Weasley," Malfoy snapped back.

"What's that supposed to mean?" George demanded.

"Krum would do it," Harry muttered. This had the desired effect and Ron leapt to his feet.

"To Hermione's place!" he shouted.

"Wait!" Harry said before everyone could charge out of the house. "Ginny's with Hermione. How are we going to get her out so Ron can have a clear run at it?"

"Leave that," Malfoy said, "To me."

###

Ginny had opened the door. There was a crowd of men standing outside the door, and at the front were Malfoy, Ron and Harry.

"You've got thirty seconds to explain," Ginny said, crossing her arms.

"Potter, control your woman!" Malfoy demanded.

"Excuse me Malfoy, but I am not some dog that can be ordered around like that!"

"In that case you're a very bad dog!"

"What did you say?"

"You heard me bitch," Malfoy said. He grabbed Ron's wand and threw it into the apartment. "Fetch!" Ginny didn't budge, but she allowed Ron to move past her and get his wand back.

"Ron, what are you doing here?" Hermione asked. Ginny spun around, having been so angry at Malfoy she'd forgotten about Ron and Hermione. She was about to start after Ron when Malfoy grabbed her from behind.

"Come on, I need help restraining her!" Malfoy snapped as Ginny took a swing at his head. "You lot are supposed to be her brothers. Can't you control her?"

"No," George replied. "She has her mother's spirit, you see."

Ron closed the door so they couldn't hear anymore.

"Hermione," he said, walking over to where she was sat on the old sofa. "Okay, tonight I did something stupid... something more stupid than usual." He paused.

"Come on!" someone shouted from the other side of the door. "Get on with it Weasley!"

"Okay, the short version," Ron said. "Hermione, I love you, I'll always love you, I've loved you for too long to mention, yadda yadda yadda, et cetera et cetera. Will you marry me?" He took the ring out. Even though she knew he was going to do it, it was a shock to see him on his knees with the ring.

"Yes, of course I will Ron!" Hermione squealed. Ron grinned like an idiot and sat up to kiss her. About five minutes later he and Hermione went out into the hall where everyone was waiting expectantly, even Malfoy who was nursing a bloody nose.

"She said yes," Ron told them. They cheered, the Weasley brothers grabbed Ron and proceeded to ruffle his hair, Arthur rubbed a tear from his eye and Seamus managed to pull Firewhiskey from somewhere. Several of the other residents of Hermione's apartment building called the landlord.