Harry Potter and the Spawn of Voldemort

Maybe Lord Voldemort wasn't the nicest guy ever. Maybe he'd done a number of things that were frowned upon. Maybe he'd gotten a bit carried away in taking over the world. But deep inside the wreck of a man was Tom Riddle, the young, caring boy who had fallen in love once. That love now haunted him.

"You're daughter?" Harry Potter asked in disbelief. "Someone seriously slept with you." The scene was of course unfolding in the Three Broomsticks, the perfect place for a Dark Lord to ask his arch nemesis for a favour.

"Silence Potter," Voldemort hissed. "I'm just asking you to do me this one favour."

"After you killed my parents, Cedric and countless others?"

"Just pretend I'm a nice guy," Voldemort begged. "Emma looks up to me-"

"How short is she if she looks up to you?" Harry asked, taking a sip of Firewhiskey.

"Please Potter," Voldemort begged, getting down on his hands and knees. "I need this."

"Why don't you just silence me by using Avada Kedavra?" Harry asked.

"Because she kind of has a huge crush on you," Voldemort explained. "She has all these pictures stuck on her wall."

"I don't even want to think of someone in your dungeons pouring over a picture of me," Harry told him.

"She's not in the dungeons!" Voldemort hissed. "She's in the executive suite."

"Executive suite?" Harry asked.

"At the hotel."

"You have a hotel?"

"Of course I have a hotel!" Voldemort snapped. "You didn't honestly think I lived with Lucius did you?"

"Well, how good looking is she?" Harry asked.

"I refuse to answer that question."

The next day at Hogwarts Harry decided to try and get it through Seamus' head about doing a favour for Voldemort. Many would have seen this as premature- a week before Emma Riddle would visit Hogwarts. But those people didn't know how long it took to get something through to Seamus Finnigan.

"Okay Seamus, who is Lord Voldemort?" Harry asked, trying to start from the beginning, as Seamus shrieked at the mention of the name. "Do you know why you're shrieking like a little sissy girl?"

"Because I am a little sissy girl?" Seamus asked. Harry slapped him one.

"We've all got it Harry," Hermione assured him. "And I'll make sure to keep him in line."

Unfortunately, Seamus got the point. The Monday on which Emma was due to arrive; he entered the Great Hall wearing an "I love You-Know-Who!" The entire hall went silent.

"So much for helping Voldie out," Hermione muttered.

"People of Hogwarts!" Dumbledore announced from the Staff Table, breaking the silence. "It is my great displeasure to welcome two guests to our school this week. Lord Voldemort, and his daughter Emma!" Every person in the great hall gasped. Some at the Entrance of the most Powerful Dark Wizard for a century, and some at his stunner of a daughter. Emma was dark haired, with shining blue eyes that looked almost too bright for her face, which was covered in a very fine tan. She wore a skirt, which gave all the boys (and several of the girls) as much of a look at her ass as they could possibly want. Harry felt Dean shake beside him.

"This is not good," Lavender said, glancing at several of the boys in the room.

"Did you see his daughter?"

"Did you see her ass?"

"Did you see his gorgeous muscled body?" Dean's comment attracted several strange looks in the prelude to Potions. "Come on, you all know I'm bi."

"Yes, unfortunately only too well," Ron assured him.

"So what do we do about this Emma girl?" Parvati asked.

"Why do we need to do anything?" Harry asked.

"Did you see that body?" Lavender asked. "I had no doubt about my sexuality until she entered the room."

"You up for a threesome then?" Ron asked. Lavender slapped him. Luckily for Ron and Lavender's relationship, Snape arrived and sent them into the room.

"I have a cunning plan!" Seamus announced halfway through Potions, earning himself a detention for disrupting the class.

"What is this plan that couldn't wait to after class?" Hermione hissed after class, slapping Seamus over the head.

"I sleep with Emma, and the whole school lays off her."

"Or the whole school unites together to murder you in the most slow and painful way imaginable, led of course by our very own Hermione," Harry added.

"See?" Lavender said. "Two couples in the Gryffindor sixth year have already had arguments about this girl."

"What are we supposed to be looking for?" Seamus asked. Lavender swore loudly, and Harry began to wonder if Seamus really was that dumb.

Maybe what Lavender had said was getting to him, but Harry could have sworn the boys and girls seemed more distant at dinner. And everyone seemed to keep glancing at Voldemort and Emma at the Staff Table. Then again, Seamus was looking around at all the girls with a greedy gleam in his eyes.

"Only an Irishman," Harry muttered under his breath.

After dinner, Voldemort and his daughter saw the time right to come and greet the Boy-Who-Lived, and congratulate him on his victory in last weeks Quidditch Match.

"Oh my God!" Emma half screamed. "I've wanted to meet you for so long! I love you!" Emma lunged at Harry, throwing him into a very tight hug. Luckily for Harry, Luna wandered over to see what all the commotion was about.

"Hiya Harry," she said, scowling at Emma.

"Dad's told me so much about you," Emma said, pretending not to have heard Luna. "Including that thing with the Philosopher's Stone, and the Chamber of Secrets, and Sirius Black, and the Triwizard Tournament-"

"Basically his whole life story?" Seamus asked.

"Mister Finnigan, how nice to see you," Voldemort said, offering Seamus his hand, but the Irishman recoiled in fear.

"Are you okay?" Emma asked. Seamus opened his mouth to say something, but Hermione covered his mouth with her hand.

"He's fine," she assured Emma, before whispering to something to Seamus. Seamus' face broke into a huge grin.

"Are we going to get any sleep tonight?" Ron asked.

"I won't anyway," Dean whispered to Ron.

"Okay," Emma said, turning to Harry again. "Anyway Harry- I can call you Harry can't I?- do you think I should transfer to Hogwarts?"

"Please don't," Parvati said, bringing her hands together as if in prayer.

"So Harry," Emma said, now breathless from how fast she was trying to speak. "What do you want to do? Can I kiss you? Can I take you home and cuddle you forever? Can I punch the Irish guy?"

"Maybe later, no and please do," Harry told her. "In that order."

"Is this Ron?" Emma asked, turning to the redhead. "He's cute too. Can we have a threesome Harry?"

"Not with me you can't," Harry told her.

"Ron, could I talk to you for a second?" Lavender asked, leading a grinning Ron away.

"What about with Hermione?" Emma asked. Seamus' eyes lit up, and Hermione elbowed him in the stomach.

"Don't you think you're being a bit too jumpy?" Voldemort asked.

"Besides, he's mine," Luna said warningly, trying to lead Harry away, but Emma grabbed his robes.

"Piss off you slut," Emma hissed. "He's mine."

"Fat chance bitch!" Luna snapped, abandoning her usually dreamy air completely.

"Get away from him!" Emma screamed, pulling Luna by the hair. Luna raised her hand, and slapped Emma across the face. Harry watched on, torn between amusement and horror as Luna and Emma came to blows over him. Voldemort thought for a second, as if considering an intervention. When Luna tore at Emma's robes, he decided it was time for the father to intrude.

"That's far enough!" he barked. "That robe cost me a small fortune!" Luna kicked him. Surely you can guess where.

Voldemort was moaning in agony as his daughter and Luna tore at each other's clothes, to the screams of joy of those who had stayed behind after dinner.

At last, Harry came to his senses, and attempted, unsuccessfully, to wrestle Luna off Emma.

"Banana Bread?" someone asked from the crowd. "I mean, Banana Bread? What the hell is up with that? Banana Bread, I ask you. Banana Bread?"

"We get the point!" Hermione snapped, trying to help Harry restrain the two girls. Several of the boys booed. Parvati lead them.

"Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight!"

"THAT'S ENOUGH!!" Dumbledore's voice rang through the hall. Everyone was silent, except the two girls struggling against the two restraining them. "Everyone return to their House, except the two young ladies and Mister Potter." The others filed out slowly, leaving Harry, Emma, Luna and Voldemort behind.

"I really think I should stay," Voldemort told Dumbledore, who merely nodded.

"Anyway, now we must decide what to do about you two," he gestured to Luna and Emma. "So, the burden falls to Harry. Which do you prefer?" Harry scowled at Dumbledore, but was nearly crushed to death by Luna and Emma lunging at him.

"How'd it go?" Hermione asked when Harry got back to the Tower.

"Terrible," Harry answered, dropping down onto the sofa beside Ron. "Luna's been suspended and Emma's in the Hospital Wing with three broken legs."

"Wait a sec," Dean interrupted. "Did you just say three broken legs?"

"There was a bit of Transfiguration in there," Harry explained. "Dumbledore thought the fight would be more interesting if the competitors had a few extra limbs. Good thing too, because Luna lost a good few."

"So, your relationship's in turmoil, and every other relationship in the school is on the edge of a knife," Hermione summed up. "There's only one who can help us now..."

"Neville?" Ron asked as they waited outside the "Office." "This is nuts, Neville?"

"He offers counselling to those whose relationships have hit a bump," Hermione explained.

"But he's never been in a relationship," Ron said. Seamus grinned, and Harry thought for a second how to get the best reaction out of Ron.

"He's been shagging Ginny since the Yule Ball," Dean said. This was as good as reactions got. They all watched with amusement as Ron broke down the door, where Ginny and Neville just happened to be having some "Private Time." Screaming and brandishing the chair as a weapon, Ron proceeded to beat Neville over the head with it. Until Ginny stood in front of Neville, and Ron ran out of the room screaming that he'd just seen his sister naked.

"What's up?" Neville asked after he had covered himself and Ginny up with a blanket.

"We need your advice on the Emma-Harry-Luna triangle," Hermione explained.

"Come into my office," Neville told them.

"It's a broom cupboard!" Seamus shouted.

"A rather large broom cupboard that smells like pussy," Dean said. Everyone stared at him for a second.

"You now that smell so well don't you?" Neville asked.

"No, every girl has a different scent," Dean told him. "I can learn so much from a girl's crotch."

"You are one sick bastard," Seamus told him.

"The solution to the triangle is simple," Neville told them, sitting down behind his small wooden desk. "Find which one you love the most."

"Or have a threesome," Seamus said, grinning again. Neville shook his head.

"Get her away from me!" Harry begged Voldemort, getting down on his hands and knees.

"Okay, I'll see what I can do," Voldemort said glumly. "But just know I was enjoying watching you suffer."

Harry came down to breakfast the next day slightly more cheerful.

It didn't last.

Emma came running up to Harry after breakfast, dressed in an even shorter skirt than before. In fact, Harry thought it was more like a belt than a skirt.

"Goodbye Harry," Emma said. "It's a bummer, but Dad needs to close down the hotel. Apparently, one of the guests found rat poison in one of the meals. I think his name was Wormtail or something." She was silent for a second. "Anyway, I'll never forget you Harry. From your dashing looks to your animal styles in bed!" She kissed him passionately, and the entire school cheered.

Harry leant over to whisper something to Voldemort.

"Did you take care of Luna?" he asked. Voldemort winked, and turned to leave. A gust of wind came, and his robes blew up.

"That's where she gets that ass from!" Ron said in awe.

Meanwhile, in the Sahara Desert....

"Hello!" Luna called. "Is anyone there? Darn. He said there were Crumple-Horned Snorlacks here!"

Well which one would you have chosen?