A Thought Repeating Itself

My room is the only one down the dungeons with a window. I'm sitting by the window in the best armchair my room has. It's snowing outside. Snowflakes are falling so peacefully that I feel peaceful as well. I am supposed to meet you in an hour. You're actually coming here and I don't know how I'm going to survive from your endless energy. You really have too much energy but what else you could expect from a Gryffindor.

It's almost eleven p.m. Now I just wait. You know the password so you should be able to get in. I'm lost deep in thought when the door opens. I turn around and I don't see you right away because you have your invisibility cloak. I love that cloak. It's so warm even if you don't have any clothes on.

When you finally take it off, you have a sly grin on your face. Sometimes I think you should have been a Slytherin.

"Good evening." I don't understand how you can make something ordinary like that sound sexy. In few seconds you're standing in front of me. I was about to say something but I can't remember it anymore because of the look in your eyes. Hunger. All I see is hunger and I haven't seen it since we started dating.

The hunger is in the kiss you're giving me. I pull you in the armchair so that your knees are either side of my waist. You're wearing one of the Weasley jumpers, god I hate those. That's why I get you out of it very fast or that is what I want to think. I throw it into the darkest corner and I hope you'll forget it there.

You smile when you pull away. You just sit there on my lap and stare at me. You stroke and play with my hair lazily. I was looking for some hot sex but I'm not sure I'm going to get it.

"What are you waiting for you fucking bastard." I don't know if I can restrain myself any longer. If you soon don't do anything, I am surely going to rape you.

"I'm just testing you." Now you're are grinning at me wickedly.

"And what is the test about?" I try to calm myself by not thinking that you're sitting on my lap.

"It's about how good self-control you have."

"What are the results?" I'm running my finger slowly down on your chest towards your navel.

"I think you're doing quite well."

"Well, we can change that," I say before I shove my hand in your pants and pull you with my other hand into a new kiss. I did get after all what I wanted.

***

I know it seems like sometimes I don't care, but you are the colors that I wear.

It's been few hours.

Nearly dawn.

You've been real quiet all along.

We're lying in my bed. You're snoring besides me and I'm stroking your head gently as I look out of the window once again. You're mumbling something as you sleep. I sigh and drop a quick kiss to your forehead before wrapping my arms around you. You're so warm that I could use you as my blanket. I'm happy now. It feels like nothing can separate us.

I love you and I think you love me too. It's just so hard to believe it when you say it. I sometimes think this is just lust or you just needed to find you own sexuality or something. I wake you up and you smile to me when you open your eyes. Something like 'morning' comes out of your mouth but I can't be sure because before you can really say it I'm already kissing you. We fool around a bit before we settle down to watch the sunrise. It's rather beautiful but you keep distracting me with your wicked hands. This is just the calm before the storm.

***

If I have been thoughtless, let me know.

I can take a hint you know.

Though I'm a little slow.

Don't keep it in you.

Lest it take root and grow.

The bottom line here's I love you so.

I know you don't trust me completely. We have been arguing a lot lately and most of the times I don't even know what about. Usually we start arguing about something small but we end up to scream and hurt each other. It takes few days from us to start talking again. Then we sometimes have make up sex. I really love it because it's almost every time you who has done something to piss me off, so you do anything to make me it up to me.

But now you caught me kissing Blaise Zabini. Actually it was the other way round but you of course won't listen to me. It's better if I start from the beginning.

So, Blaise stopped me on my way to the Slytherin common room when I was returning from dinner. He said he wanted to talk with me about something and I of course waited for him to say something but then he just grabbed me and kissed me. I knew that he had feelings for me but still I was so surprised that I hadn't time to react before you came around the corner. You went pale and your mouth was open. I could tell that you were about to cry when you ran away.

"Harry wait! God dammit!" I ran after you and I left Blaise there looking stunned. He of course didn't understand what was going on but I didn't care.

Now I'm still running behind you.

"Harry stop!" I shout and for the first time you listen to me. You are crying and I my heart aches because it is my fault. Well not my fault, Blaise's fault.

"Harry please, listen to me I.." All my dignity is gone.

"No! How could you! I trusted you and now you cheated on me."

"It was just a kiss and besides it was Blaise who kissed me." That was a wrong way to say it.

You're looking very angry.

"It mattered nothing to me." I try to make you understand but it isn't working.

"No, but it mattered something to me," You say sadly.

"Harry I'm so sorry.." I'm begging now and I sound little too desperate.

"Please don't. This isn't going to work after all. This relationship was doomed from the beginning."

How could you say that. You said that we would survive this together and now you're leaving me. I knew this day would come eventually. Tears are already running down my cheeks but you don't seem to notice.

"So it's over?" My voice is weak and I turn my back on you, so that you don't see my tears. Why am I so weak?

"Yeah, I think we should end this before it hurts us more." Oh, you're mistaken. You are already hurting me more than you could imagine.

You leave me there standing by myself and I feel numb. I return to the common room and I find Blaise there looking strangely confused.

"Blaise, can I have a word with you." It's not a request, it's an order.

Blaise comes with me to my room and as soon as the door is closed I turn to him. I grab Blaise by his collar and I shove him against the wall.

"You fucking idiot! Why didn't you believed me when I told you that I don't want you! Now you had to sabotage my relationship! You ruined everything I had with him! Now get out of my sight before I do something I won't regret!" I shout him and he is scared as he should be.

He doesn't say anything as he runs out of the room. Bloody coward.

I sit down on my bed and then it really hits me.

You left me.

3 am we seemed alright, like never better, on our way into the light.

Now 3 am is gone, along with when there's nothing wrong.

3 am it seemed alright.

I sit there what seems like hours. I didn't noticed the tears until my shirt is damned.

Hours later, I would be still crying if I had more tears left. I just lie on my bed. I haven't slept at all. I miss you. I write you a letter where I tell you that.

I get your answer to my letter later today when I'm sitting in my room once again.

I read your letter and I don't have the energy to cry anymore.

It says,

How can you miss me when we just saw each other in the hallway.

And please, leave me alone.

I don't want anything to do with you ever again.

Sincerely,

Harry James Potter

It's over. I can't believe it's really over. You don't love me anymore. I should have known. Don't trust anybody, wasn't that my father's advice. We can't go on like this. I'm going to become a Death Eater someday and then it's inevitable, Voldemort will know. Or is that the reason? What if it isn't? How can I understand anything when you leave me without explanation.