A Thought Repeating Itself

When I saw you for the first time you looked so innocent and friendly. I thought maybe I could be your friend but when I found out that you were Harry Potter, I forbid myself from thinking about it again until now.

How did I fall for you, I don't know. All I wanted was to be friends with you. Well maybe not friends but not enemies either. We have known each other for six years but until two months ago I didn't really know you at all. We spend those two months without fighting and we spend time together as friends and after that as lovers. You would say that we're friends but we're not. I still hate you.

At first I was okay but now I'm turning into a horny teenager who can't look at you without wanting to shag you senseless. What have you done to me! Everybody thinks you are the image of perfection itself but I know better. You are pain in the ass. Sometimes I think you don't even have brains. You do so idiotic things and yet you always survive somehow.

Someone told me
Love would all save us
But, how can that be
Look what love gave us

Now I'm in Hospital Wing because some idiot Gryffindor seeker who can't watch where he's going with his precious broom. I love that broom and I'm not talking about the Firebolt. You're as horny as I am and now look where it got us. Madam Pomfrey just told me that I'm pregnant. 'How in hell can I be pregnant!' where my exact words for the news. She don't have any answer for my condition. I can't have a child. No it's not possible.

I'm exhausted and angry. I can't tell you any of this. No one will ever know about this. Not because of Voldemort. If he hears about this then.. Oh fuck what I'm going to do! I want you to be safe so I have to lie to you and leave you alone. I can't take the risk of Voldemort knowing.

A world full of killing
And blood spilling
That world never came

Why this had to happen now when everything is fine. Pomfrey suggested abortion but I think I can't do it. I just can't. It's my baby after all. I'm trying to stay calm but I'm failing miserably. Pomfrey let me stay here for the night and she gives me a calming potion, so that I can sleep.

Sometime in the night I start to feel sick and I throw up. Pomfrey comes to clean it away and leaves a bucket next to my bed so that I can use it if I need to. I can't sleep anymore. A headache, oh great that was all I needed. I'm not going to survive this. I wonder what I'm going to say to you. You want to know what's wrong and I can't tell you the truth.

I listen how the clock is ticking towards the morning. My hands are shaking because I know you might walk in here any moment. I take more calming potion to calm my nerves. The door opens, so here we go. You come in quietly and you see me immediately.

You stand there besides my bed and I wait you to say something.

"Hey, are you feeling alright?" You touch my shoulder briefly. Your hand is warm and all my warmth leaves with it.

"What are you doing here?" You just smile at me and there's a twinkle in your eyes. God, you're turning into Dumbledore. That manipulating bastard has gotten you too.

"I just wanted to see if you're okay." You look me like I'm crazy. Well maybe I am but that isn't the point.

"Now you have seen me so you can leave me alone." I turn my back on you but I hear no footsteps, so you're still standing besides my bed.

"Didn't you heard what I said? I told you to bugger off."

"I heard you alright but I want to know why you're so cold all of sudden. Has something happened?"

"Of course something has happened! I.." I can't take this anymore. I have to tell you.

"Draco, calm down. Now tell me what's going on." I hate you but you look so concerned about me. Now I'm scared. What if you leave me because of this.

"I'm pregnant." Now it's said but I feel worse than few seconds ago because of the shocked expression on your face. Fear, the air smells like fear. You sit there and I can see that you're thinking hard. When you finally open your mouth I hold my breath.

"How?" This wasn't what I expected but I release my breath.

"I don't know, no one knows how." I say calmly as I can but my eyes are already burning and I fight the tears away. I can't show my weakness to anyone, especially to the one I love.

"What are we going to do?" We? So you're not leaving me. Good god I'm reliefed.

"We'll see how this develops and if I don't have miscarriage then I'm keeping him or her." I may sound calm but I'm quite the opposite.

You leave soon after that and I cry. There is no reason to cry. You won't leave me or that is what I think. Pomfrey runs some tests and Snape comes to questioning me and he says 'Potter is going to get expelled for this' and goes off to talk with Dumbledore.

Finally they let me leave and I go back to my own room. Ah, peace at last. I sit down on my bed and a deep sigh escapes from me. I'm tired and depressed. If it is going to be like this then I don't want it. I love you but you don't love back and now we are having a baby, so what is the point?

And they say
That a hero could save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait
I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away

Next morning at eight o'clock Pansy comes to my room to talk with me. She founds me there but I'm not responding to her attempts to wake me. She runs to get help when she realises that I'm not going to wake anytime soon.

***

I don't want to open my eyes. I feel weak and I can't move because I'm bound to the bed underneath me. So I'm in the Hospital Wing once again. This time because I tried to kill myself with some potion which obviously didn't work. I feel somehow empty and my body hurts. When I open my eyes, I find you there besides me again.

"Hello." Your voice is distant and I think I'm hallucinating. You can't be there, you just can't.

"What are you doing here?" Oh great, now I'm repeating myself.

"I came to see how you're doing. I heard what you did last night but I don't understand why?" You sit down on the bed and you touch my hand gently while your watching me. I want to get away from you but of course I can't. I'm not going to answer to you. There's sadness in your eyes and I wonder who's dead.

"I promised Madam Pomfrey that I'll tell you something important. Last night when you tried a suicide you had a miscarriage." You don't look at me anymore.

I feel numb. I lost the most precious thing in my life. Oh, god my baby. I can't take this anymore, so I start to cry. You release my hands and legs from the bed. Moments later I found myself in your arms and you're rocking me back and forth. I'm holding onto you as if my life dependes on it.

You let me go and you take my face between your hands. "I love you, I'm not going to leave you. We're going to survive this together, trust me okay?" I smile weakly and nod my head once. You wrap your arms around me again and you tell me silly things, so that I would feel better. I forget my misery for a moment when all I can concentrate is your voice. I found myself laughing and I'm feeling so happy that you're here with me. But eventually I have to meet the reality.

Now that the world isn't ending
It's love that I'm sending to you
It isn't the love of a hero
And that's why I fear it won't do