I Dream of You in Shadow

So, you want to know what there was between us?

I can't believe they keep pairing us together.

Well, I had him before you ever did. We started out as friends, but no one is ever just friends with him, not when he wants more. I should have been immune, but I...wasn't.

I'm having trouble with Potions...Snape, could you help me?

We got closer and closer over third year. Just like fairy-tale lust, closer and closer till one of you admits you're attracted to the other. It does happen, or I thought it did. And I suppose I wanted it to. He seemed to understand better than anyone that I craved knowledge and the power that came with it. He lied, of course, but I believed it because I needed to. He started calling me "Snape" instead of "Greasy Git." No one outside of Slytherin had ever cared about my name before, and I stupidly thought that that meant something.

Come on, promise you'll write? You know you want to.

We corresponded during the summer. Emotionally, I wanted to believe that he liked me, but since no one ever had before, my mind figured I was fooling myself--like I had fooled myself with Malfoy and Avery during our first year. I should have learned my lesson, but I didn't. I managed to convince myself that he just wanted help with his homework, the way our friendship had started. I hoped it was otherwise, but did not believe it.

Jeez, Snape, there must be something interesting going on in your life!

Things started changing over the summer. He went from calling me "Snape" to calling me "Severus," and his letters became more...personal. I know now it was simply because he was, and is, an accomplished liar. But I wanted to believe that he liked me, and so for the only time in my life, I let my emotions rule my logic. I was overjoyed when he sounded excited to see me again when school started.

Just another two weeks, Severus!

He only acknowledged me when we were alone, but it was enough. A true friend, when I had never been able to believe I deserved one before. I'm not sure he ever truly understood what I thought...but then again, it doesn't matter. I doubt he has any emotions left to care, if he ever did.

Why do you keep questioning me? Why would I be here if I didn't like you?

In any case, there was no way in Hell he was attracted to me. I knew that. But I'd also known no one would ever be my friend. So perhaps it was just me being uncertain. Or too convinced of my unattractiveness. Or it might have been my instincts, warning me.

Come on, you have to come to Hogsmeade...it won't be the same if you're not there...

He was still dancing attention on all of you as well. The lot of Gryffindor Golden Boys, beloved children of the school. I figured that if he didn't need help with Potions, I must be some sort of pet project. A charity case. And I still didn't give in. I no longer questioned that he was interested in my friendship, however.

You're hopeless! It's fun...you just tickle the green pear....come on, I'll show you.

What? Oh, of course I knew I was gay at that point. Introspection is a wonderful thing; I'm surprised you haven't learned that by now. But, again, survival instinct: I never imagined any of you would be interested in men. It's funny, now, to think that James was the only straight one of the lot of you.

Oh, but Quidditch is great! All of those sexy tight robes. You know you like to look, Severus.

You didn't know about Pettigrew? Of course. How do you think he got into the inner circle, if not by shagging his way there? Certainly not by power. But that's a later story. No...slowly but surely, he was pulling me out of my well-deserved shell. It was hard, but he can...could...just be so irresistible.

Just a little? It's only sherry. You'll like it.

I just used the word irresistible, didn't I. I think it was right, though. From the minute he decided he liked me, I didn't stand a chance. He isn't the kind of man you can refuse. Well, he wasn't. I wouldn't have any trouble now.

You know you want to. Just one sip?

We started meeting later and later...various places around the castle. I got a taste of what it was like to be a Gryffindor, waltzing through the rules like they're made of glass. I stopped analyzing things; if it was a trick, I didn't want to know. I've never made that mistake again.

There. That wasn't so bad. ...What was that noise?

I'm still not sure how he kept it secret from you. Just that famous charm, probably. Unfortunately, it worked on me, too. Young and impressionable, I believed everything he said, for a while at least. I'm still angry I didn't see through him sooner.

Shit! McGonagall. Come on, Severus, I know a better place to hide.

He must have just wanted sex. Or a worshipper. I don't know which, but I wasn't suited to be either. I tried, though. For him.

You really are sloshed, aren't you? It was only a couple of...um. Glasses...

Fool that I was.

You're really more open when you're drunk. I like it.

So I lusted after him more and more every day. I didn't think he knew, and I certainly wasn't going to tell him. I just fantasized and wished.

Oh....oh, Severus...

He managed to get some kind of alcohol, and we hid out in one of the classrooms the night after Halloween to drink. I don't know what you were doing, or what you thought was going on.

That was your first kiss? You should have told me. Here, we'll take it slower.

The teachers were up and prowling, and we had to move to a more...secluded spot.

There. Much better. Just relax.

I might have drunk a bit more than I should.

Are you sure you really want to...?

I made a pass at him, but he certainly didn't resist. I felt...happy then.

Oh...Severus, you shouldn't let me...

No, it's not like that, Lupin. I only regret it that much more now.

That's...oh. Wait. Silencing charm.

So we fucked in that little room, and I got what I thought I wanted, and probably what I deserved.

All right. Now we can....God...where'd you learn to...oh....

He made me scream his name, wanted to hear it from my lips.

Severus....

But I was never good enough for him, not really. Not for a Gryffindor Golden Boy.

Severus....

And one day, he returned to his senses.

Oh, God, yes, Severus...

I don't know what it was. Maybe it was you or James, or even Peter. Or maybe he saw the greasy git he was sleeping with for who he really was; thinking ahead was never his forte. Maybe he never truly realized what he'd gotten himself into until that moment.

Please...just a little more....

It doesn't really matter why. One day I had him, and the next day I didn't.

Right there...

He left me without an explanation, and I pined for him. For years. The things we do when we are young and stupid.

Oh........yes, like that, don'tstopdon'tstopdon'tstop...

Two years I waited.

How did I ever get so lucky?

And then he betrayed everything we were and tried to kill me.

I love you, Severus.

I never believed he could hurt me.

I love you, Severus.

I was wrong. We were all wrong.

I love you, Severus.

Bastard.

I loved you too, Sirius.