I Dreamt of You in Light

Well, yes. I guess you do have a right to know.

What do you want, Black?

The teachers kept pairing us together during third year. I think they were trying to punish me for goofing off in class, or maybe trying to help me raise my work quality.

Just shut up and watch. I'd like a good mark on this assignment.

I'd hated him until we had to work together. Then I started to be impressed. I mean, sure, he was snarky, but it was more impatience than cruelty. Get him away from the people he thought were idiots, and he was...decent.

Oh, sweet Merlin. What did you do to that potion?

Oh, no. He wasn't decent to me, not for a long time. That should've clued me in, huh? Manipulative bastard. I guess he thought I was one of the idiots. Now he doesn't even think I'm worth that. At least I don't believe he's right...not any more.

I'm impressed. Twenty minutes in and you still haven't screwed anything up.

But to have that decency aimed towards me.... I...needed it. You all loved me, just because I was me. ...No, no, that was great, fantastic. I just thought I wanted respect for what I could do, too. What I've got with you is much better, Remus, don't worry. I was to young to realize it then.

It's...correct. Been throwing snowballs in Hell lately?

Oh, I earned his respect. I needed to. But he fought me every step of the way. It was worth it, to be around him, and his humour, and his principles, and... Well, I used to think it was worth it.

All right. You're doing fine, but... right. Eight-thirty?

We started meeting a bit after class when we had projects. Just a bit, right at the end of the year. He was different outside of class. I started to like him as well as respect him...maybe it was all those potions fumes.

Come on, this is simple, you should be able to get it.

I started calling him Snape; he stopped calling me anything. It was better than "Black," at least.

Oh, you'll have access to owl post over break?

I didn't realize how close we'd gotten until we were apart for the summer. It was odd, not being able to see him whenever I felt the urge to, not being able to feel worthy because he refrained from insulting me. I suppose I didn't see how sick that was.

Your homework, I assume, is going well?

He didn't seem very open through the mail, but then again, I didn't care. I really did miss him. I started calling him Severus. I don't think he noticed.

So, how do Muggle-borns get into Diagon Alley? This is something I have always wondered, and now I am in a position to find out...

I thought I started to see what everyone else missed: he just wanted to know things, know them completely. I missed that he wanted to know so he could control. Either way, I was just waiting till school started so I could see him again. I couldn't contain my excitement.

Your last letter was very informative.

He was about as excited as he ever got, too.

I trust I will see you at Hogwarts next Saturday.

I kept it a secret from you and James. I'm sorry about that, Remus. But at the time, I didn't think you'd understand. Too bad I didn't listen to you and your sensibility, right? I had started having dreams about Snape, and he definitely wasn't in his school robes...sorry, that was probably too much information. I thought you and James and Peter would be shocked. I'm so glad you turned out gay after all.

What are you talking about? You can't see anything through those Quidditch robes.

What? Peter was, too? How did you find that out?

Now, fencing outfits, on the other hand...

All right. Well. Anyway, I began to be more and more certain he shared my...tastes. I couldn't figure out how to get him out of his shell enough to know for sure. I tried lots of things, but they didn't seem to work.

I'm amazed at how much you eat. I wouldn't risk being out after hours just for some pudding.

I even tried some of our pranks with him. ...No, not many; but I tried to get him to see how much fun they were. Didn't really work.

Well, if you really want information, there are some interesting materials in the Restricted Section.

Snape was a great source of sex information, though, especially the book kind. You had to know how to ask—he never volunteered anything. I just assumed he'd had some practical experience; you never knew, with his family, after all. The more I got to know him, the more I thought he'd turn out different. Not quite.

No, no, you just have to know how to talk to Madam Pince. Track down a few wayward books for her, and she loves you for life.

I never had the guts to ask for homoerotic books. ...Yeah, of course, the one big word I know. But we would read other...informational...books together when we had them. It was fun.

Merlin, is that even physically possible? Ow!

I can't believe I ever had fun with that bastard.

Oh, now that looks like fun....oh wait. No, perhaps not. Sometimes I wish these illustrations wouldn't move.

Oh yes, and there were the visits to the Astronomy Tower to make up stories about what was going on around the grounds. We only went a few times—getting him to exercise his imagination for anything other than school was torture. But still, it was worth it. Some of the stuff we got up to...amazing.

See that copse? That's where Lucius likes to go.

No, no, never as good as our pranks. But great in their own right. And I did enjoy his sense of humor, though even that was twisted.

To meet his lovers, of course. Alison...Narcissa...McGonagall...

Finally, I decided to try the one thing guaranteed to lower inhibitions: alcohol. I got some and dragged Severus off to the Astronomy Tower to try to get him to admit he was interested in men, and maybe to make a pass at him.

I highly doubt that I will like such a substance.

I finally got him drunk and was about to make my move when we heard footsteps. It was Minerva, looking for snogging couples. We grabbed the sherry and made a run for it, finally stopping in one of those old storage rooms we used to use.

She must've been looking for Lucius.

The run seemed to have opened some sort of seal in his head, and he started spilling out all kinds of things...how he'd been introduced to the Dark Arts years before, by his parents; how he'd always believed everything he'd been told, and then he got to Hogwarts, and it all fell apart; how Malfoy and Avery made friends with him, but only for the alliance, and he figured it out...just all these horrible things, until he got to me. Then he started in on how I made him feel worthy and happy. I barely knew what to say.

It's all right. I wouldn't want it to be anybody but you.

And then he kissed me.

That wasn't at all what I was expecting.. .

Well, one thing led to another, and we made love.

Sirius, oh Merlin, only you...Sirius....only you....

He finally said my name, after nearly a year of friendship. I don't know that I've ever felt happier than I did in his arms then...well, not till I had you.

No, it's I who am the lucky one. You deserve everything you've got, and more.

No. I just hate him more now, for putting on a show when he didn't feel anything at all. It couldn't have been anything but a show, really. But for the next few weeks, we met a few times a week, talked and made love and just...existed together.

I wish we could stay like this forever.

You didn't think I was actually studying all that time! Oh. Well, no. Of course not.

Can't we just stay here tonight?

Gradually, though, he began pulling away, got tired of his little charade. I thought it was some duty I didn't know about, and I respected him more for it. It took nearly two weeks for me to understand that he didn't want me any more.

Rosier is going to start wondering if I keep staying away.

I still couldn't admit that the greasy git was through with me, so I decided to try a new tactic. What's that quote? Sometimes we must run away to see if they will follow? Well, I started to run away. And Snape ran like hell in the other direction.

Professor, I think Black has learned all he's going to from me. Could I begin working with Lucius again?

It hurt. Like hell. Of course it did.

I'm busy; go bother someone else.

I waited for two years for him to come back. I still thought he had feelings. And then...the Shrieking Shack. I thought James and I would be able to control you. Snape would have seen me being in control, self-sufficient. I was trying to impress him. Maybe I forgot how dangerous you could be. Or maybe it was just that I was beginning to see through him, and wanted something to really pull out his true nature. And it did.

How...how can you let that murderer go free?

So I guess it was all for the best. Because it freed me to be with you.

Good night, Sirius.

No, I've never regretted it. Well. I regret being with him in the first place; I don't regret the ending. And I've certainly never regretted you.

I love you.