The Death of Hagrid

The Death of Hagrid

Hagrid was bumbling along in the forest like normal, playing with dangerous creatures again because he is a dipshit. Suddenly an arrow pierced his thigh. "Oy sh thiwo thioe thoi," he said in an undecipherable accent. Suddenly a big spider came and ate his toes.

Then that dumbass giant brother of his picked Hagrid up and said, "I hate you" in perfectly clear English because even he is superior to Hagrid, and he ripped off one of Hagrid's arms. Then he threw Hagrid into the lake. Hagrid tried swimming but instead drowned. But not quite. The Giant Squid cut off his manhood with his Magical Squid Scissors. Then tossed Hagrid back onto the shore. Hagrid was near death by now. Then a centaur came and trampled one of Hagrid's feet. Then a Blast-Ended Skrewt came and blasted Hagrid, so Hagrid flew, burning, through the air to underneath a window of the castle.

This window happened to magically be in the dungeon, even though the dungeon is underground. Snape was annoyed that his class couldn't make a simple potion. "Honestly, Longbottom! Nineteen points from Gryffindor because I'm sick of always taking off points divisible by the number five!" he exclaimed in disgust and dumped the potion out the window. It landed on Hagrid. Suddenly Hagrid felt like he was being eaten to death by 139,570,135 crabs. His stomach was all puckered and chunks of skin and flesh were missing. But because Hagrid is "cool" like that, he stood up and managed to hobble into the school. "SThe htisodh thiowt !dhgo235 !" he cried, and everyone looked out into the hallway. Unfortunately, a Baby Basilisk was passing in the pipes, and he thought Hagrid was speaking Parseltongue. The Baby Basilisk came out into the hall and saw Hagrid. He wasn't powerful enough yet to kill someone, but he did rake his fang down Hagrid's one remaining arm. Hagrid was seconds away from dying.

Suddenly Dumbledore came out into the hall and said, "We can't have this," and then Fawkes came and cried on Hagrid and healed him partially. Just enough so he can live a little longer.

Hagrid tried to say "Thank you" in his native tongue, but then Dumbledore said, "We haven't gotten to practice all those bad ass spells on you!" And then he called all the seventh years into the hall. And they Crucioed Hagrid till the cows came home. Because that was the whole purpose of having a half-giant there in the first place. Well, because Hagrid was a half-giant, the Crucios didn't work so well, and Hagrid was still alive. They tried Avada Kedavraing him, but he was like a big cockroach that just wouldn't die. So they called the Dementors and they came and tried to give Hagrid the kiss but Hagrid's hair was in the way because he's nasty and can't use a comb. So they had to call Lord Voldemort over to the school and Lord Voldemort tortured Hagrid for a bit and cut off his remaining appendages (so, a split open arm, a crushed-foot leg, and another leg). And then Voldemort went home because Hagrid was just too pathetic.

And then a bunch of hippogriffs came and tried to peck Hagrid's torso for awhile, but there wasn't enough skin on it because of that potion. So Professor Flitwick turned Hagrid onto his back. And the hippogriffs pecked him a lot. Then the Dementors tried again but failed. So the Dementors gave Dumbledore the bird and flew off. "Damn it," said Dumbledore. "Now what am I supposed to do?" Well, just then, Peeves came and punched Hagrid in the head a bunch of times and eventually Hagrid died.

Back at the Dursleys', Harry woke up from his dream. "Damn it, why couldn't I have been there for all the fun?"

The. End.