The Darkness of the Soul

CHAPTER TEN - INTERLUDE

Albus Dumbledore strode confidently into Professor Severus Snape's office. His expression was, as usual imperturbable, although in the weeks since Harry's absentee trial, he had aged visibly.

Whatever the changes to Albus' appearance, Severus Snape had gone through significantly more. His face was haggard; where before it had been severe, now it was drawn. He had lost the intensity of righteous wrath that his students had been so familiar with, and his precision was gone, a victim of the distracted mood he had held since reading Harry Potter's goodbye note.

On his desk sat a Pensieve, though not the one that Harry had found some years ago. This one was special - it held not just one person's memories, but many.

Severus held his wand over the Pensieve, looking like he had caught himself in the process of putting it in. He held in place, his hand not taking the plunge. Albus walked over and pulled Severus' hand away, then slipped the wand from his grasp.

Albus smiled kindly. "Severus, do not do this."

"I must, Professor. I must see myself for who I am."

"You cannot blame yourself, Severus."

"I don't." The Potion's teacher's tone was unconvincing, at best, but he continued. "This isn't about him. It's about me. How can I know who I am, if I can't see through another's eyes?"

"Severus, I did not block you when you started this project, although I suppose I should have. Although you were barely within your rights to ask current Gryffindor students to aid in your pursuit of self-knowledge, calling back Fred and George Weasley and asking them to contribute seemed excessive."

"I suppose, I hoped that if I selected the students that, in my opinion, deserved the worst that I gave anyone, it would balance out those that deserved the best... and didn't get it."

"But now, you aren't so sure."

"I am afraid, Headmaster. You know that I am normally not much given to narcissism. I cannot look myself in a mirror anymore, Albus. I am afraid of what I will see. How can I look into this?"

"Severus, I do not think that any of us can truly see ourselves, through any mirror, no matter how perfect or imperfect. I can tell you that I hold you in my deepest respect and affection. You may have reason to doubt that, and you may need to resolve those doubts. I know," he sighed, "that I have had many of my own doubts, as of late, and I am beginning to examine myself. Do not give up on yourself as a result, however."

Snape seemed shaken by the open regard shown by the Headmaster.

"Headmaster, I believe a philosopher once pointed out that a life unexamined is not worth living. Before, my certainty, my surety, was all I had. Now that I've realized how little I knew about my own actions, it seems that all I have are doubts."

"Your image of yourself was your mirror, Severus. There is no shame in that; many have said the same thing. You are right that you need to look beyond yourself for answers, that you are not exactly as you see yourself. But, Severus --" he paused, leaning over, almost whispering. "Do not exchange one false mirror for another."

Snape bowed his head.

"I want you to do me something, Severus. I have something I wish to contribute to your experiment, but it will take some time for me to complete. Will you lend me your Pensieve until the end of the term?"

"How can I continue until then, Albus?"

"Hopefully, better than you do now. Until the end of term, I wish for you to assign homework, teach classes, and conduct yourself in a way that Severus Snape can be proud of, whatever the past. If you can do this for me, I will speak with the board of governors about allowing you to take up the Dark Arts post next year. However ideal I think you are in the Potions position, I have learned that perhaps I need to trust in the judgment of those I care about, rather than placing my own ideas first."

Severus seemed to take hope in the Headmaster's statement. Perhaps it was because, for him, the fact that he was not trusted with Defense of the Dark Arts was a sign that he could never truly put the past behind him.

"I accept, Headmaster. Thank you for your faith in me."

Snape placed the Pensieve in a wooden box, and traded it with the Headmaster for his wand. The Headmaster smiled. "Not at all, Severus. None of us, after all, are perfect." And he swept from the room with the Pensieve, which contained the memories and opinions of hundreds of Gryffindor students of Severus Snape.