From the Ashes

From the Ashes

Epilogue

by Fourth Rose

Du bist ein Schatten am Tage

Und in der Nacht ein Licht

Du lebst in meiner Klage

Und stirbst im Herzen nicht.

You are a shadow at daytime

And in the dark, a light

You live on in my mourning

And won't die in my heart.

(Friedrich Rückert, Kindertotenlieder / Songs on the Death of Children)

* * *

The little boy squeals with delight when his toy broom rises gently into the air, although it's barely audible over the whoops and yells from the group of children high above the garden who are passing a Quaffle back and forth between them. Harry, who is sitting in the grass under the old oak tree and directing the toy broom with his wand, occasionally squints up towards the impromptu Quidditch practice to check that Lucia and her schoolmates aren't trying any stunts that are too dangerous for eight-year olds.

He can't help being cautious, although he knows that there's no need to worry since Robert Parkinson, proud of his status as a near-adult and eager to prove that he's able to take the responsibility that comes with it, is flying right among them to keep them in line. Rob is a fine flyer, Keeper on the Ravenclaw team at Hogwarts, and he'd rather eat his broomstick before he'd let any harm come to his beloved little cousin.

Harry has always found Rob's devotion to Lucia rather adorable, although Pansy lately has begun to tease her nephew whether he's going to propose to Lucia one day since he seems to taken with her. This usually causes Rob to flush with all the angry embarrassment that a fourteen-year old boy can muster and makes Harry feel rather uneasy, given that he knows quite a bit about pureblood marriage customs. He made the mistake of mentioning to Pansy that he didn't find this joke particularly funny, which led to her predicting that he'd soon turn into one of those fathers who would prefer to strangle every male in their daughter's vicinity just to be on the safe side.

It irks Harry somewhat that he has a fleeting suspicion she might have a point.

For the time being, however, he consoles himself with the fact that it will still be several years before his little girl takes an interest in boys; right now, flying seems to be the thing that matters most in the world to her. She flat-out refused when Harry and Pansy offered to hire a flying instructor for her two years ago, when they bought her her first real broom.

"I want to learn from the best flyer in England, and that's Dad," she said with that stubborn set of the jaw that she has inherited from Pansy. In the face of such confidence, Harry has done his best to squeeze at least two weekly practices with her into his busy schedule, and there's no denying that it's paying off. Lucia is indeed a natural - graceful, fast and utterly fearless, and he has no doubt she'll make it onto her house team at Hogwarts without any trouble.

"Daddy!" the little boy cries out in protest, snapping Harry out of his reverie and reminding him that he has forgotten to keep the toy broom in motion. With a flick of his wand, Harry sends it into a slow, wide circle once more, and his son grips the handle tighter with a delighted expression.

His son. Alexander James Potter, who has Harry's jet-black hair (even messier than Harry's because it's slightly curly like Pansy's) and brown eyes that are the subject of much debate: Pansy insists that Alex has her mother's eyes, while Harry (backed up by Remus Lupin) claims that they look just like his own father's.

Harry wasn't quite sure what to expect when Alex was born, but he soon realised that the question of their parentage makes little difference to him when it comes to his children. Pansy once asked him about it, and Harry answered her truthfully that he could no more decide whether he loved Lucia or Alex more than he could say whether he liked his left or his right eye better - he'd be half-blind if he lost either of them.

Besides, he somehow likes the idea that his son and Draco's daughter are siblings.

They get along well, which, as Pansy likes to point out, is a beautiful irony in itself (Harry suspects that she's quite curious to find out who of the two will turn out to be the better flyer). Lucia seems to regard her little brother as her favourite toy, which led to a couple of incidents because she doesn't always quite understand what might be dangerous to a two-year old who's none too steady on his feet yet. Harry had to threaten to take her broom away for good to keep her from taking Alex flying - he doesn't like being strict with her, but Lucia knows by now that he means it once he really puts his foot down.

He thinks it's a pity that Lucia will have to leave for Hogwarts by the time Alex is old enough for the two of them to do things together. Harry's in two minds himself when he thinks about it; he's looking forward to seeing her in Hogwarts robes, but he doesn't want to imagine how empty the house will be without her. It makes him even more determined to spend as much time with his little girl as possible as long as he has her around.

His mother-in-law once told him that she would have liked to stop time so that her children would remain small forever and she would never have to let go of them. He understands the feeling, but he doesn't quite share it. He will be sorry to see Lucia leave for school, but he often lets his thoughts wander even further into the future, to the time when she comes of age, and he will finally be able to tell her who she really is.

Harry thinks about that day whenever his thoughts return to Draco, which happens with even greater frequency than during the first years after Draco's death. In a way, he feels like he's growing closer to Draco over the years, now that the sharp, burning pang of loss is slowly easing. The pain is still there, but it has faded to the dull ache from an old war wound - ever-present, reminding him that he can never be truly whole again, but so familiar by now that it has become a part of him.

He likes to think that he is keeping his promise to Draco's daughter. It's a slow and tiring process, but he treasures each little step forwards towards a world that is no longer torn between fractions that hate each other, a world where Lucia will be able to bear her father's name with pride. There's a strange feeling of peace that comes from the knowledge that there's a purpose to his struggles, a goal that will be worth all the effort he has put into it. He no longer feels like he's trying to steer a ship during a storm at sea these days; it's more like he has to row a boat upstream. The current is steady and constant; it never weakens, but moving against it does get easier over time because he is growing stronger from it.

He keeps picturing the moment when Lucia will learn the truth. She will come home for Christmas during her sixth year, tall, slender and graceful like Draco, proud in her Slytherin uniform; he and Pansy will take her to the graveyard, hand her the documents that will give her back her family name, and finally tell her.

Harry imagines a seventeen-year old Lucia turning towards Draco's headstone to run her fingers over the letters of his name like she did as a little girl, then looking at him with a small smile and tears in her eyes, Draco's eyes, and saying, "Dad, I think I've known for a long time."

He isn't worried that things might change between Lucia and him once she knows; she will remain his little girl for as long as she lives. He pictures a Hogwarts letter addressed to Miss Lucia Malfoy, containing a Head Girl badge, and he feels his heart swelling with pride. He thinks about the woman she will grow into, strong and beautiful and proud of who she is, and he knows she is worth every difficulty he still has to overcome.

He imagines how Alex will grow up alongside his sister, how she will point him out to her classmates at his Sorting and hope for him to be Sorted into her house (Harry has no difficulties picturing his and Pansy's son as a Slytherin, although he keeps his fingers crossed for Alex to beat the odds and end up in Gryffindor). Harry swears to himself that he'll make Snape regret it until the end of his life if he dares to take out his grudge against Alex' father and grandfather on the boy, but he keeps hoping that even the Headmaster will eventually be able to let go of the past.

He often marvels at how far he has come, how lucky he has been in many regards to be given this second chance. When he thinks of the losses in his past, the gaping holes in his life that can never be filled, his thoughts eventually return to Lucia and Alex and the future he can build for them.

Sometimes, Harry also thinks about Pansy and how they will never be anything but second best to each other. Still, he reckons, second best is more than most people get in their lives.

So when Hermione pays another of her rare, awkward visits and can't even wait until Pansy is fully out of the door before she grabs his hand and says in that tone of honest concern she's so good at, "Just tell me this, Harry - are you happy?", Harry looks not at her but at Pansy who has stopped short on the threshold and answers quietly, "I'm content, I suppose."

Hermione frowns; she doesn't understand and he doesn't expect her to. Pansy closes the door behind her without turning back, but he knows that there's that little half-smile on her lips now.

And in the part of his mind where Draco is and will always be present, Harry can see him nod his approval.

FIN