As If You Never Existed

As If You Never Existed.

The rush of loud voices accompanied by the clattering of steel against china reaches my ears as I approach the dining hall. I can feel my steady, controlled walk falter slightly but, within a second, I have regained it.

I enter and stop.

Nothing. Nothing at all. Everyone continuing on as normal, either eating their breakfast, chatting to friends, or sitting in a sleepy daze. No sudden engulfing silence, everyone turning to look at me. No one leaning into his or her neighbour with conspiritorial whispers. No little glances. Nothing.

A flood of relief washes over me and I make my way over to my house table to be greeted by the familiar faces of my friends, each with their own utterances of ''Good Mornings''. I smile at them and take my seat, my choice feast materialising in front of me. I start to tuck in.

Everything is as normal. Nothing is out of place and I feel comfortable.

It is just as you said it would be.

"

No one will know," your voice echoes in my mind.

I remember that you had whispered it when laid next to me just last night. Your sweet breath cascaded across my cheek. I had turned to face you, and met the grey of your eyes causing me to shudder. Not out of fear, but unfamiliarity. The stares I had received from those eyes in times past were not full of the emotions I saw now. Before, they were stares of hatred, malice and spite. Now, they were soft, understanding and...well, something else. Something I wanted from you. Your stare then had comforted me and I had willingly succumbed to your soft lips upon mine. Your body moved against mine, skin against skin, as the kiss deepened, me tasting you, smelling you...

Ron breaks me from the thoughts of last night. He asks if I am okay. Apparently, I seem to have drifted off at the table. I mutter something to him about not enough sleep, which seems to satisfy him. He continues eating.

I resume thinking about you. The first kiss, by the lake, on that June morning a month ago. I often find myself replaying this in my head. I had been lying down, eyes closed, by the water's edge, contemplating my life, which, according to you, is all I ever do. I heard you before I saw you. A gentle splash from the water awakened me from my thoughts. I had sat up and opened my eyes, looked out onto the rippling calm but had seen nothing. Thinking it to be the giant squid, I had closed my eyes and lay back down. But a further, bigger splash caused me to sit up almost immediately.

And there you were. Rising out from the water, shards of it cascading around you, each drop plummeting back down to its origin. Your eyes were shut as you had shaken your head, your white blond hair splaying out, sending a stream of spray outwards, your long graceful neck craning delectably with each turn.

I felt my jaw drop open and let my eyes slowly wander to your chest. Your silken-like skin, taut against muscle, the beads of water upon it, glistening from the sun. As you moved towards the bank, the water receded from around your body, revealing your firm stomach, hairless and smooth, coated in a wet sheen. The water continued to recede as you neared the bank and only then did I realise that you were naked. I was in as permanent state of lockjaw at this point. One word had struck me at that very moment about your whole being...beautiful.

Beautiful. I had always thought this about you. But not in the way I had seen it in that moment. The beauty I saw before had been an insult and a way to get at you. Boys are not beautiful. They shouldn't be. Beauty in a boy is weakness. Effeminate. It showed a lack of strength. A lack of manliness. Beauty did not represent strength. Only at that moment did I realise how wrong I had been before. The beauty I had been seeing was not an insult at all. It was a desire! Your beauty was far from a weakness; your beauty was strength. The only weakness was my own.

As always though, your vindictive voice ruined the beauty you had beholden to me as I heard you drawl, ''Trying to catch flies there Potter!''

I had suddenly felt an equal state of embarrassment and horror, not only because I had been caught staring, but also because of the thoughts you had provoked. I stumbled up, cursing to myself and made to leave.

''Potter,...stop...please!''

I stopped, the tone of your voice catching me off guard. It was a soft, pleading tone. In those three words, your voice held a meaning which had clutched my soul.

"What!'' I had said, without turning.

I had felt you come up right behind me. I dared not look. You were very close. I could feel your breath upon the nape of my neck.

''Potter...I,'' you had started.

''Spit it out Malfoy!'' This time I did turn to face you but you were closer than I had expected. Our lips had almost brushed. Shocked at this, I instinctively moved back, my eyes wide. Yet, I kept eye contact with you. And what I saw from within your deep grey eyes was not the same shock. Instead, I saw something else. Something that admittedly scared me. I saw a desire. A wanting. A deep-felt fear within yourself realised. The same deep-felt fear that I was now myself coming to realise. It struck me that if I had seen the fear and desire reflected from your eyes, then you had been able to see mine.

Slowly, you turned your head away from me and looked out towards the lake. I continued to watch the side of your face, your jaw clenching.

It was a matter of moments before you spoke again, face still turned from mine. ''I...I planned this,'' you had stuttered. ''I knew you were out here. I saw you.'' You had turned back to me then. ''I always see you Harry. Do you see me?''

It was as if you knew what impact this question and my first name uttered from your lips would have. My insides began to flutter, my heart had started racing, and my mind was rushing all sorts of thoughts. I found myself looking into your face, my eyes taking in every minute detail. Your soaked hair, darkened by water, was plastered against your soft cheeks, clumped together as if it were glued. Your forehead creased into a frown, each line containing it's own worry. The way your eyebrows seemed to fade away into nothingness at the ends. The gentle curved shape of your nose, crafted to a point. Two pink lips, slightly parted, the bottom one held by your teeth.

''Harry...I.'' You started to say something, but I had put one of my fingers up to your mouth. I felt the warmth of your tongue against it, as you flicked it out between your lips. I knew there was nothing else to say. I had felt it then myself. An unspoken thing between us. Something that had always been there but never realised. Perhaps through fear or clouded by the hatred we had shared. It could not have been voiced before that moment. Would not have. But at that moment it had screamed out at us. Revealed itself. To me, it was as if you had never existed before that very moment.

A glistening had then caught my attention, a bead of water trickling slowly down an invisible path on your cheek. Instinctively, I had moved my finger from your mouth, to wipe it away. But you had grabbed my hand with yours, ours fingers naturally entwining together. At that point, I had looked into your eyes. They had fluttered slightly as if in a state of hesitation at the contact but then had opened fully, the pupils dilating. I let myself become lost from within the deep grey. Nothing felt so right, yet so wrong in the space of a second. Your eyes moved closer to mine, and at this moment our fates were sealed. Your eyes right in front of mine, together, our lips now sealed. Not once did either of us close our eyes, afraid that on opening them, the other person would be gone.

I feel a gentle prod to my ribs. Hermione looks at me with worry. I ask her what's wrong. She says that I have a tear rolling down my cheek. Gently, I brush it away. I tell her that it is just a bit of dust. She looks at me with a frown but does not say anything else. She turns away to continue her conversation with Seamus.

I continue to eat, as more thoughts flow through my head. All about you of course. When are they ever not? I can see the times after that first kiss. Secret meetings at various places in the castle. Listening to each other talk. Times used to share memories. Your smile flitting in my minds eye. Your painfully addictive laugh echoing through me. Your soft eyes caressing my face. The warmth of your passionate kisses against my lips.

And last night.

Last night was different. Different from all the times before. Last night, we transcended to something else. Last night we became one.

I feel myself smile now. I can imagine that it looks like a goofy smile to any observer. The kind that you often see people do and wonder why they are smiling. I casually shift my eyes around the hall. Thankfully, I have not yet been noticed.

My thoughts drift to last night.

You had told me to meet you in the tower. This seemed strange to me, as we had always avoided meeting there before. In your own words, "Too many people meet there and besides, it is too common for a Malfoy!"

I had found myself at the bottom of the winding steps, leading up to the top of the tower where a small room could be found. The one where I was to meet you. Shrugging off my invisibility cloak, I had slowly made my way to the top, my heart beating faster with each winding step, somehow aware that something was different about tonight. As always, I had let you take full reign on our meeting places and what would occur, my trust in you now infinite.

The wooden door into the room had stood before me. The flicker of light from under the crack made me aware that the room would be candle-lit. But at that point, that was all I had known before I had entered the room. What was waiting for me on the other side, I could not have possibly imagined. My face must have been a picture once I had opened the door. A face that you would have possibly found amusing had you not been so serious.

There you were. Before me. The gentle flicker of the candles adorning the room, dancing upon your naked form. You lay on sheets of black silk that sharply contrasted with your pale, milky skin. Your white hair radiantly splayed out like a halo. Your arms were on either side of you, outstretched in a crucifix pose. Entranced, I had walked into the room, not taking my eyes away from you.

Slowly, the door had shut behind me and I had heard a click of a lock. I had turned to look back at it, suddenly afraid that someone else was there but your voice had guided me back to look at you.

''Magic Harry," you had whispered. ''It is all magic.'' Then, I saw your eyes glance away for a second only to return back to mine before you spoke again. "Except for this. Except for the way I feel about you."

I had gone to you then. My invisibility cloak slung to the floor along with my glasses. My heart was bursting. My sudden rush caused the candles to flicker, elongating the shadows that played around the room. None of which I cared to notice. My clothed body fell on top of your naked one. Our lips met in a collision of familiarity yet laced with a new fevered passion. I had felt your arms come up from around me, your hands slowly reached underneath my tee shirt and caressed the small of my back. I had let my hands start to wander to unfamiliar territory, sliding them down your sides, as we hitched upward into the kiss. Your skin felt smooth to my touch as my hands reached to your hips. At this point, your legs had bent upwards, and I had felt myself slide in between then.

Pulling out of the kiss, I had looked down at you. Your eyes glowed as you looked back, the desire behind them burning bright. It had hit me then. Your need for me was as strong as mine for you. This was not some wanton lust. It was something else. Something that neither of us needed to define. It was just there. The point of stopping had long gone. We had come into an existence. Everything else just fell into place around it.

The stillness was interrupted by our lips meeting for a second time. This kiss soaked up the knowledge gained moments before, your tongue melding with mine as one.

Your hands slid up my back, taking my tee shirt with it. We had broken off the kiss again, allowing me the chance to slip the clothing off. You had then looked up at my body as I sat above you. ''Your beautiful,'' you said softly, as your hands move up from my stomach to my chest. Your touch sent shivers throughout my body.

Our bodies had met again, your chest against mine, skin to skin, our breath as one, my hands back onto your hips as our kissing had continued. I had started to allow them to wander again, this time my fingers creeping into your warmth. I felt you groan from within the kiss as your body arced into mine. Your hands had moved from my chest, onto my back and I could feel them slide down to the waistband of my tracksuit bottoms.

As if on instinct, I had hitched myself up slightly. I felt your hands reach underneath onto my behind, manoeuvring my trousers and underwear away. You had then pushed me firmly down on to you causing your hardness to press against mine. This caused us both to let out simultaneous gasps against each other's mouths. At that point all control left me. Waves of pleasure flowed from all around me. Our bodies set into motion, moving together as one. We continued to kiss each other faster, more uncontrolled, teeth clashing with teeth, our breath becoming more erratic the faster we got. Our hands exploring each other's bodies in no set manner. Your chest beneath mine felt damp as our sweat intermingled causing our bodies to stick together. Your legs against my hips started to press against me, almost crushingly, holding us together as our motions continued, your hardness hitting mine with each movement. Then, I had felt it. The welling from below. It had started small, but built with each motion. My breathing quickened and I felt myself lift out of the kiss and look upwards at the ceiling which seemed to be spinning before me. I clenched my eyes shut. I had tried to mumble your name at this point but the words never hit my lips, as I felt a burst erupt from me. Another burst and another. Each one causing wave upon wave of ecstasy to hit me as I had moved harder against you, letting out rapid, fleeting breaths. Slowly they had ebbed away into a quiet calm, my breaths slowing. On opening my eyes, the spinning had stopped. At that point, a warm feeling started to grow within me. A sense of contentment. I felt your hand caress my cheek and I looked down at your face. From within it, I could see you were feeling exactly what I was feeling. I had let your hand then guide me down for another kiss.

Voices awake me from my thoughts and I am aware of where I am again. The Great Hall. Hermione and Ron bickering about something or other. They never seem to stop. Ron's face is getting redder. Perhaps I should intervene. But then again, it is never wise to once they have started off.

I lift the mug of tea to my lips, and swallow the lukewarm contents. How long have I been thinking for! Well, if it is about you, then the answer would be a long time.

No one will know!

Again, I hear your voice echoing in my head.

I know you said this because I had worried. Last night, after what had occurred I had been adamant that people would know. I thought that people would be able to see it. To take one look at us and know what we have started. The danger of them knowing filling me with dread.

But I am now in the Hall, sitting here. Everything is as normal. No one has noticed. No one has seen it.

How come? How can they not read it within my face? How can they not see it? How can they not know what I did last night? Okay, perhaps not every one in the school. But Ron and Hermione! They are the closest people to me. They know how to read me. They always know when I am angry. They always know when I am upset. Why is it that they cannot see me now?

I look over to the two of them again. Ron is sulking now, facing away from Hermione. They will not talk for the rest of the day. I know this about them. I know this is the way they are.

I know them. Yet they cannot see you from within me. They cannot see the happiness that you have given to me. They cannot see the life that I feel from having you here. The pure joy of living I feel now. The whole freshness of being. The fact that you were the part of me that was missing before.

None of what I feel now was present before. I have never felt this way until you. Yet to them, I am the same person. The same Harry. To them, it is as if you never existed.

I look away from them and slowly sigh. My plate is sill full. I have hardly eaten at all. I shake my head slightly at this. Typical of me really. I push the plate away from me.

A feeling comes over me. The sort of feeling I get when I know I am being watched. I lift my head up instantly towards the Head Table expecting to see either a knowing stare from Dumbledore, or a scathing look from Snape. But neither of them is there. Slowly, my eyes scan the hall over the sea of different colour heads, looking for my observer. My eyes come to rest on a pair of crystal grey .

I feel a small smile erupt from my lips, perhaps that same goofy grin I had on a couple of minutes ago. Who knows! There is someone who can see what I am feeling. Someone who can see it from within me.

I see you smile shyly back at me.

''I love you, Harry Potter,'' you mouth to me.

''I love you, Draco Malfoy,'' I mouth back.