What Characters Do Between Books: The Halloween Party

Scene: The Leaky Cauldron at Halloween. The pub is decorated Hogwarts style in preparation for the characters in-between-books Halloween celebration. Ron and Hermione are helping Harry decorate.

Hermione: Ron, come give me a boost over here will you? I can't staple this beheaded elf to the ceiling without you.

Ron: Sure, honey, I'll be right there. (leaning over, he whispers to Harry who is filling a wooden barrel with apples for bobbing) Harry, uh...did you send my parents an invite to this party?

Harry: Yeah, of course I did. Your Dad's coming dressed as a confused Muggle who has been obliviated once too often. I think he said the guy's name is Al...Al...

Ron: Albus Dumbledore?

Hermione: Oh for heavens sake, Ron! Dumbledore's not a Muggle! I think Harry means to say Albert Einstein.

Harry: That's him! Your dad's got a funny looking white wig and a working model of the universe and everything. He owled me last night: asking if I could find an atom to complete his costume. I was trying to explain rudimentary physics, but since I've never actually taken lessons in it myself I.....

Ron: Well, the thing is, uh, Harry, my parents don't know that Hermione and I have been living together with you at Headquarters.

Harry: (turns around looking surprised) They don't? Well, I don't think they'll be overcome by the revelation. Do you, Ron? I mean you haven't gotten a lot of flack from Hermione's folks.

(The door to the Leaky Cauldron swings open and Fred and George come in, arms loaded down with fake rubber wands, Chocolate Frogs, and Headless Hats.)

Ron: That's because Hermione's parents barely even exist, Harry! They're sketch characters living on the rim of the plot, aren't they? They don't ever even have speaking parts! They're still sitting at King's Cross awaiting their next chapter. But you know my Mum, Harry. She'll have something to say about it.

Fred: (gives Ron a reassuring slap on the back) Don't worry too much about what Mum will say to you Ron. She's going to be much more irritated with George and I for throwing that stripper bash at Wheezes last week.

Harry: (frowning) That was er...a bit indiscreet of you, Fred. I'd think you'd want to remember that we're characters in a children's story.

George: Awww...come on, Harry! Who died and made you the governor of fun? Fred and I have to do something to stay amused in between books, and all these cute birds have been camping on our doorstep waiting for the shop to open! We're bored! Although we did try out last week for the parts of Mary Kate and Ashley's love interests in their next book, Mary Kate and Ashley Get a Real Life.

Ron: Get a real life? Does that mean they'll be having sex? And er...eating food and stuff?

Hermione: Ronald, please! My arms are breaking over here!

Ron: (rushes over to help Hermione) Sorry, love, I was just thinking about Fred and George having sex with Mary Kate and Ashley.

Hermione: Hmmm....I don't think those twins have sex, Ron.

Fred: (chorusing together) Like hell we don't! Well, George doesn't....

George: Oh, for the love of Hufflepuff's breast-binder, Fred! Shut up already! Just because you've got Angelina up in your room every night....

Hermione: (interrupting impatiently) Not you two! I meant the other twins!

(The door opens again, and an enormous pumpkin with legs encased in plaid flannel lumbers in)

Harry: Hagrid! You brought the gigantic pumpkin! This is terrific! What'd you do? Raid the prop room?

Hagrid: (grunting and heaving, works his way into the pub. Sets the pumpkin down with a grimace, and stands up rubbing his back wearily) Don' worry 'bout that, Harry. This here pumpkin's a gift from me. What Rowling don' know won' hurt her. And I hope you don' mind, Harry, but I brought Aragog along for the party. He's plumb goin' out of his mind in the Forbidden Forest. She's had him sittin' out there for three whole books now and not a bite to eat."

Harry: (glances warily over at the door where a furry, bisected, leg taps impatiently waiting admittance) I'm not sure that's such a great idea, Hagrid. Is Aragog, erm...very hungry?

Hagrid: I brung him somethin' to eat, now, he'll do jus fine. And if he gets overly peckish, why, I'll just hustle him on back home.

Harry: (doubtfully) Well, all right, Hagrid. By the way, where's your costume? I did tell you this is a costume party, right?

(Hagrid whips out a toilet plunger with a brightly painted gold and white striped handle; sticks it to his forehead)

Hagrid: Look a' me, Harry! I'm a Unicorn!

Fred: Very nice, Hagrid.

George: (leans over to whisper to Fred) Fred, Isn't that the same plunger we used when we...

Fred: Shhh! Don't say anything about it now, George! He's already gone and stuck it to his face!

Hagrid: Is Dumbledore comin', Harry?

Harry: He said he'd be here. And his costume's a big secret.

Ron: I'll bet he comes as Merlin.

George: No, Gandalf.

Fred: Gee, could you two be anymore original? Why not cast him as Obi-Wan Kenobi?

Everyone else in the room: (chorusing together) BECAUSE THIS ISN"T STAR WARS!

Hagrid: (sounding excited) Will Voldemort be comin'! Why I haven't seen him in a grippsnickles age. How's the old villain doing?

Harry: He stopped by to borrow some snake venom the other day. He told me that things are getting a little tense in the Death Eater camp. Narcissa and Lucius Malfoy are petitioning for a conjugal visit. I guess Bella and Rabastan go at it like rabbits in Azkaban and the other Death Eaters can't get any sleep. It's making Lucius positively feral. And Wormtail is really getting on everybody's nerves.

Fred: No wonder old Snape wants to stay with you, Harry.

Harry: (waves Fred off) Oh, that's just because he's dating my Aunt Petunia. It's easier for them to meet at the Black house, since Sev is a little tight on funds.

Ron: Translation; Sev is a cheap bastard who won't spring for a motel room.

Hermione: Ron and I walked in on them in the parlor the other day and (shudders) ewww....

Harry: (muttering beneath his breath) I don't even want to talk about what I've walked in on the two of you doing.

George: (grabs a handful of small glow in the dark dancing skeletons out of the decorations box and starts enchanting them to hand-jive and watussi all over the pub) So, Harry, Fred's coming with Angelina tonight. I'm going solo; its part of my costume. Don't ask. Ron's got Hermione. Have you got a date?"

Harry: (evading the question) Percy will be here with Penelope, too.

Fred and George: Percy!

Fred: You asked that evil git?

George: (groaning dramatically) I can't believe you invited the Prince of Prefects to our Halloween bash! Harry, he'll ruin everybody's fun! (switches to a stuffy, pontificating tone of voice) Why I do believe it's against the Characters Code: Section 4.3. Part 1 entitled Appropriate Conduct for Fictional Characters Off Duty Between Books to borrow props from the prescribed set for trivial non-necessary purposes...blah, blah, blah.

Harry: (sighs with exasperation) Now listen, George, you too Fred. You guys put me in charge of the invites. I ran into Percy the other day at Flourish and Botts and we had a bit of a chat. He says he's very upset that he wasn't allowed to visit your father when he was in hospital. Also, he's fairly certain that the letter he had to write to Ron was meant to be a warning to us about what was going to go down at Hogwarts in OotP. And if you think about it guys, everything Percy said in that letter actually happened. The Ministry did still think I was a whacko. They were trying to lesson Dumbledore's influence at Hogwarts so Umbridge could take over, and a certain prefect who cooperated with Umbridge, namely Draco Malfoy, was fairly well positioned to become Head Boy. That is until Umbridge was molested by Centaurs in the Forbidden Forest and developed clip-clop-a-phobia.

George: (scoffs) There's a likely story! Percy's just worried about getting his arse kicked when we finally catch up to him.

Fred: (scowling) Yeah, Harry. I can't believe you fell for that load of dragon dung!

Harry: (seriously) I'm willing to let bygones be bygones. And I expect you two to be on your least evil behavior tonight.

Fred: (sniffing indignantly) Missed your calling, Harry. Dumbledore should have made you prefect.

George: (evilly) So, uh, Harry, you never said. Got a date for tonight?

(Later that same evening at the pub. The Weird Sisters are singing "I've Got a Spell on You". The Leaky Cauldron is swarming with live bats. There's a pumpkin patch filled with pumpkins big enough to snog privately behind. Steaming cauldrons of spiced wine and pumpkin juice and platters brimming with crisps, cauldron cakes and pumpkin pasties are placed judiciously throughout the room. Harry, dressed as Frankenstein (because he already has the scar and also because the platform shoes make him almost as tall as Ron), is greeting guests at the door)

Harry: Mr. Weasley! Great costume! You look just like the picture of Einstein Hermione showed me.

Mr. Weasley: (wanders in absent-mindedly) Hullo, Harry! Thanks for the invite. Now if I could only remember that formula for relativity. What was it now? C+N₃=R? No, no that isn't right...

Mrs. Weasley: (trailing bandages, comes in behind Mr. Weasley, she makes a few stiff clawing motions in the air for effect) Harry! I'm a Mummy!

Harry: (kisses Mrs. Weasley's bandaged cheek) Of course you are. And I hope you and Mr. Weasley don't mind, but I have a bit of a surprise for you here. I...uh.. invited Percy. And he has some news.

Mrs. Weasley: Percy! Where is he!

Mr. Weasley: Or was it E=MC₂? . No, that can't be right! That's the formula we use to enchant our time-turners. Muggles simply aren't advanced enough....

Mrs. Weasley: (spots Percy who is in the far corner dressed like Mercury the Winged Messenger, with a visibly pregnant Penelope dressed like Venus at his side) Oh, gracious me! My baby's having a baby! (bursts into tears) Arthur! Percy is having sex! Waaa!

Mr. Weasley: Possibly it's B₁₂-C....

Harry: (shaking his head, speaks quietly to himself) What's she going do when she realizes that Ron and Hermione have been doing it in Sirius' old room ever since OotP ended? I'm surprised they came up for air long enough to come to the party. (checks his watch) They'd better be coming to the party. It's getting late.

Cho Chang: (arrives dressed like Mata Hari) Harry, darling! Where have you been since the last chapter? I've missed you awfully...(plants a smacker on Harry's lips, with a bit of tongue for good measure)

Harry: (flushed and stammering backs away from Cho) Hello, Cho. You're looking very nice tonight.

Cho Chang: (pouting) Harry, why haven't you owled? It's very naughty of you to keep me hanging this way.

Harry: Uh, well, Cho, given the way things we left between us at the end of OotP, I kind of have a feeling that we're through.

Cho Chang: Oh, no, darling! Don't be ridiculous! Of course we aren't through. We'll work out our differences. Just you wait and see.

Harry: (uncomfortably) Well, Cho, it's not like I claim to actually know anything about the plot. I mean, why should I? It's just my life that's being played with here, but really I think we're probably finished. I don't think I would go out with you again after you defended your friend for ratting us out.

Cho: (sounding tearful) But, Harry! How unfair! I had to say that! She made me!

(A loud argument breaks out across the room in the Weasley's corner)

Percy: But, Mother! That's so unfair! She made me move out! I had to go live with Penny! You don't think I could afford my own flat on what Fudge pays me?

(Fred shows up at Harry's elbow; dressed in an eye mask, a black cape lined with red satin, a large mustache with sweeping curled ends, and bearing a slender Spanish style sword, he snickers)

Fred: Mum is really letting Percy have it. Want to come watch?

Harry: Who the hell are you supposed to be? One of the Three Musketeers? And, no, I do not want to watch.

Fred: Awww, come on Harry. Don't be a spoilsport. Hey! What d'you mean 'who am I supposed to be'? I'm Inigo Montoya! The Spanish brat? From the Princess Bride? Harry, you really ought to read something besides your own books in between books. There is such a thing as having too much insight into your own character, if you know what I mean?

Harry: I read other stuff! I read....well, I read the Daily Prophet today. There was no news. Seriously, Fred, if I can hang out with Voldemort surely you can bring yourself to be nice to Percy. Percy is only annoying. Voldemort has actually tortured me and turned me into an orphan! But you know he's sorry about it and we went to see "Garfield" together the other night and split a double popcorn, didn't we?

Fred: (looking suspicious) Say, Harry. You and Voldemort aren't actually dating now are you?

(Just then Hagrid comes in, wearing his "Unicorn horn" and dragging Argog along on a leash)

Hagrid: Come on then. There's a good man-eating spider. Come along with Hagrid and we'll get you some nice cauldron cakes! (salutes Harry at the door and marches into the pub pulling an extremely irritated looking Aragog behind him)

Harry: Say Fred. Could you do me a huge favor? Do you see Cho over there? Do you think you might cheer her up? Maybe introduce her to somebody?

Fred: Okey-Dokey, Harry. D'ya think she'd like to meet our Headless Hat supplier?

Harry: Uh, sure, Fred. Whatever. What in the world....

(a herd of sheep come trotting in, all wearing festive black and orange bows)

Ginny (dressed as little Bo-peep sweeps in) Hiya Harry! How d'you like my costume? I thought maybe you and I could count some sheep together later after the party.

Harry: Uh, hi, Ginny. Your sheep look, um, very festive.

Ginny: Hey! Isn't that Cho Chang over there? You didn't tell me she was coming.

Harry: Well, I..uh..that is to say...I

Ginny: (grabs Harry around the neck with her crook) Now see here, Potter! We're supposed to be together in the end! You and me, see? What's that freckled chopstick wielding tramp doing crashing our big romantic Halloween evening?

Harry: (placating) Now, Gin, don't go getting your hoop skirts in a bunch. We don't know for certain that we're going to wind up together in the end and...

Ginny: (flounces off) Why, I never!

Harry: (to himself) I'm beginning to get one of my headaches.

(Over in the pumpkin patch the Weasley family 'discussion' is starting to get ugly)

Percy: Mother, will you just listen for a minute? I'm telling you she wouldn't let me go to St. Mungos!

George: (dressed as The Fly; his insectoid eyes bulging, waves a disparaging claw in Penny's face) Sure, Percy. You probably just stayed at home that day to boff your girlfriend here.

Penny: (hoists her toga more firmly up over her prenatal bosom) Hey!

Mr. Weasley: That's all right, son. I was only bleeding to death in there. No reason why you should take time out of your busy life to visit me, your dying father...

Percy: Father, really. Don't be ridiculous. You can't possibly believe that I wanted to stay away...

George: No, Percy, by the looks of your girlfriend here, I'd say you're getting everything you want.

Percy: (whirling on George furiously fists upraised) You just leave Penny out of this you little misbegotten twerp!

Fred: (brandishes his sword) What are you gonna do about it if he doesn't?

Mrs. Weasley: Boys! Boys! Really, now...

Penny: I happen to be in love with Percy! We haven't done anything wrong!

Mrs. Weasley: Well, I guess that depends on your definition of 'wrong' now doesn't it? You've been co-habiting with my son without benefit of...of...whomever it is that we wizards use to legalize a relationship.

Penny: (huffily) Oh, that is so typical of your generation of characters! You just want to pretend that we don't even have any sexuality don't you? (sniffing tearfully) Percy and I wish we were characters in a Judy Blume novel instead!

Mrs. Weasley: (fanning her face rapidly) That is the kind of book that ought to be banned! Decent fictional characters do not discuss..erm..you know. Child abuse, torture, alcoholism, murder, infanticide, and smoking are acceptable, but certainly not....you know.

Percy: I'm warning you Fred, you too George, if you don't back off of me....

Mr. Weasley: You'll what? Put them in the hospital and then refuse to visit them?

(Harry rushes over waving his hands wildly)

Harry: Weasleys! Weasleys! Take ten, all of you! Mr. and Mrs. Weasley go sit over there with my Uncle Vernon. Keep him occupied so he doesn't flip out when Severus comes in with my Aunt Petunia. Fred, George, go man the pumpkin juice dispenser, and don't spike it! Penny, you sit down. Percy, bring her something cold to drink. No! Not pumpkin juice! I just sent Fred and George over there!

(Just then all the lights go out. Penny shrieks and topples forward. Harry grabs her before she falls. A maniacal cackle resonates throughout the room.)

Penny: (fearfully) What in the name of Ravenclaw's bikini thong was that?

Harry: (trying to sound calm) Ravenclaw wore a bikini thong? I don't know....I. Are you all right? I'll go check it out.

(A sibilant hiss echoes in the room. Penny yelps and clutches at Harry's arm. The hairs on the back of Harry's neck stand on end as the sound of labored breathing fills his ears)

Harry: Penny, are you panting in my ear?

Penny: No, Harry, you nitwit! That sound is coming from the door!

(A whooshing sound, and then the room illuminates with a glowing blood red light. It sweeps over the crowd's stunned and terrified faces.)

Hagrid: What the bloody hell is that!

(A dark, cloaked figure, his head encased entirely in a black helmet steps into the room)

Darth Vader: (intoning melodramatically) Harry, I am your father. Come with me, and together we will rule the dark side. Mwaa Ha Ha!

(Wormtail, chuckling squeakily, flicks the lights back on. He is, of course, dressed like Mickey Mouse. Darth Vader doffs his helmet to reveal Voldemort underneath)

Harry: (slaps his leg, laughing uproariously) Voldemort, you dog! You really had us going there for a minute!

Hagrid: (steps forward to sweep VoldeDarth into a big bear hug; lifting him right off the ground, light saber and all) You old villain! You haven't changed a bit since you got me expelled then have you?

Voldemort: Hagrid, old man! How good to see you! Oh, and I see you've unearthed the old Unicorn costume for the occasion. Remember when you wore that to supper in the Great Hall Halloween night and Professor Marchbanks made you sit at a table alone?

Hagrid: I always did irritate that old bat, didn't I?

Voldemort: Well, after the time you snuck Aragog into the Professor's bath because he was covered with rat guts. Why, is that great hulking monster our little Aragog? I don't believe it! The last time I saw him he was only six feet long!

Hagrid: (grinning proudly) That's our Aragog, all right. Ari, give our old friend Tom here a leg o' welcome. Why, if it weren't for him, you might still be stuck in that cupboard at Hogwarts; devourin' only the occasional passing student now and again.

(Aragog chuckles and holds out a long, hairy, black leg for Voldemort to shake)

(Harry, still laughing and clutching his stomach weakly, returns to his post at the door. No sooner does he open it when a smallish wooly haired creature, approximately the same size and shape as a miniature cow, with great curling horns, that collapse in on themselves, something like a French-horn, only with sharp-points, and four padded feet, rather than hooves, comes trumpeting in)

Harry: What in the name of Morte D'Arthur is this?

(The creature stops in front of him. Blinking its big long-lashed brown eyes sadly.)

Creature: Why, Harry, don't you know me?

Harry: (slaps his forehead, a gesture of sudden understanding) Luna! Of course! You're a Crumple Horned Snorkack! (He walks around her costume studying it from all angles; frowns) Erm....Luna...are you uh...alone in there? It looks kinda' akward, what with the four feet and all...

Luna: Actually, Harry, I'm kind of cramped in here. Could you, ah...lift off my head?

(Harry braces his hands on either side of the horns and pulls upwards. Luna squeals painfully. Then Harry hears a deep and familiar joyful barking emanating from the bottom of Luna's costume)

Harry (disbelievingly) Sirius? Sirius, is that you!

(Luna's costume separates and out leaps a disheveled, perspiring Luna. A giant black dog jumps out after her, plants his enormous paws on Harry's chest and gives him a good lick)

Harry: Sirius, it is you! How'd you...what'd you...Luna! Luna, how'd you do this? (Joyful, Harry wraps his arms around Luna and swings her around)

Luna: (blushing bashfully) I wanted to do something nice for you, Harry. I felt so sorry for you all those times we camped out by the veil in the Death room waiting to hear from Sirius. So I just camped out there by myself for one night and baited the entrance with rawhide! I hope you don't mind, Harry. I think he's stuck as a dog.

Sirius: (gamboling around Harry playfully) Harry! Want to go for a walk? Want to go for a walk, Harry?

Harry: (patting Sirius head) Not just now, boy. I still have guests to greet. Luna, this is so great, I don't know how to thank you.

Luna: Oh, Harry. You don't have to thank me, I was glad to do it....hey, wait a minute! Isn't that Cho Chang and Ginny Weasley over there by the pumpkin juice? What are they doing here? I thought since we had that big "death of a loved one" connection that you and I were going to be an item! Harry, have you been using me just because I can hear dead people?

Harry: Luna, no, of course not, I really like you. But I mean we don't really know for sure who I'm going to wind up with ....and, geez I sure wish Ron and Hermione would get here soon. I..uh... Fred! George! Put Percy down! Put him down! No, he does not want to bob for apples!

(Luna ambles off in a huff, wearing only the bottom of her Snorkack outfit, holding the head under her arm. Harry starts to go after her, hesitates, and turns back to the door where he collides with Dumbledore)

Harry: Professor Dumbledore! Where's your costume? You said it would be a big surprise.

Dumbledore: (sounding a little muffled and surprisingly young) Ha! I told you he wouldn't know! I told you so, Hermione!

(Hermione, wearing an elf-costume, i.e. a tea towel and pointy ears, steps out around Dumbledore)

Hermione: Yes, Ron. You're right. It's a great get-up. You fooled Harry. You fooled your best friend. I admit it. I was wrong, okay? I'll just pay my forfeit now, shall I?

(Hermione reaches down to loosen her tea towel. Ron-Dumbledore steps up and clutches the opening of her scanty costume together with both hands)

Ron-Dumbledore: The hell you will! Keep your tea towel on woman! My mother is in the room!

Harry: Ron? Is that really you? You're the spitting image of Dumbledore!

(Severus and Petunia stroll in, arm in arm, dressed like Marc Antony and Cleopatra)

Petunia: Harry, how do you like my assssp. (drawn out in a sibilant hiss) Sevie gave it to me. He's the very esssssence of romance. (waves the head of the live snake wrapped around her shoulders in Harry's face)

Harry: Gee, Aunt Petunia. That's swell. Where's Dudders? I thought he was coming with you two? Uncle Vernon's already here.

Petunia: (petulantly) Oh, dear. I hope Vernon doesn't make a fuss. I did promise him that I'd come home as soon as the next book starts. A character's got to have a little bit of fun, doesn't she?

Snape: (grumbling) I don't want you to go back to that old windbag, Tunia, honey. Come live with me in the dungeon.

Harry: Sev, we've talked about this before. I don't think Rowling is going to allow co-habitation in the next book. I mean, uh, we aren't even allowed to mention S-E-X. By the way, you did remember to chain Remus up in the cellar, didn't you?

(Dudley jumps through the door, wearing a Spider-man costume, complete with mask with eyeholes, and web-shooter wristband. With a practiced flick of his wrist he sends a web winging across the room. It ensnares a couple of bats flapping in mid-air, zooms over the dance floor, and lands on Vernon's head)

Dudley: Spidey scores! Hullo Harry!

(A kerfluffle breaks out on the dance floor. Ginny Weasley has hooked the back of Cho Chang's strapless Mata Hari gown with her crook.)

Ginny: Just a minute there, you gyrating floozy! I want you to take your shaking butt right on out of here! Harry will be mine, I tell you! Mine!

(Harry rushes over to the dance floor to pull Ginny off of Cho, but Luna beats him to it. Luna picks Ginny up, tosses her to the floor and starts whacking her around the head and shoulders with the head of her Snorkack costume)

Luna: Harry's mine! I spent an entire night camped out alone in the Death room to earn his love! What have either one of you loose-lipped trollops ever done for him? You don't stand a chance!

Ginny: Ouch, damn it, Luna! Those horns hurt! Ahh! You ripped my hoop skirt! Harry, help me!

(On the opposite side of the room, the rest of the Weasleys are at it again)

George: I'm so sick of you, you pontificating twit!

Percy: Why you miserable biological mutant! You know what your problem is? You're just jealous! Because I've got my act together and you are nothing more than a chronologically challenged loser with a wand fetish!

George: A wand fetish! Why, I oughta...

Mrs. Weasley: Boys! Boys! Oh, dear, Arthur, do something...

(Behind the bar, Aragog has decided to get a little something to eat. Vernon is dangling precariously from his enormous pincers)

Hagrid: Bad arachnid! Bad! Put the nice man down now. Put him down, Ari, and we'll go get you some nice chicken McNuggets. You like those, hmmm? There's a good boy, nice and easy, now. No! Ari! No! Don't go for the fly! Don't go for the fly! Ahhh! He's eatin' George Weasley!

(A blinding flash fills the room, and a booming 'don't mess with me' voice rings out, EXPELLIARMUS! Everyone turns around to see Ron Weasley pointing his wand at Aragog's gaping jaws. George goes flying across the room, landing with an emphatic splash smack in the middle of a cauldron of pumpkin juice. Vernon scrapes himself off the floor and scurries away to hide behind Petunia and Severus)

Fred: Crikey! I guess Dumbledore knew what he was about when he made Ron a prefect!

Hermione: That's not Ron! Ron's right here!

(Everybody in the room turns around to see Ron-Dumbledore standing by the door opposite the imposter Ron)

Harry: (points accusingly at the tall, skinny, red-headed interloper) Who are you?

Voldemort: (rushes forward) Harry, dear boy, do use your head! If that's not Ron, and Ron is Dumbledore, than Dumbledore must be Ron!

Dumbledore: Tom Riddle! You scoundrel! You deduced me! I always did say you were the brightest pupil to ever attend Hogwarts!

(Voldemort bows humbly in Dumbledore's direction)

Harry: Professor? Is that really you? Why, you're the spitting image of Ron! How'd you do it?

Dumbledore: (smiling modestly) Oh, it was nothing, Harry. Not really. A bottle of Clairol number five, some freckle juice....

(Ron-Dumbledore steps forward and puts his arm around the shoulders of Dumbledore-Ron)

Ron: (grinning proudly) Smashing isn't it? We knew nobody would ever guess our costumes. Didn't we, Professor? I mean what sort of nutter would ever think that Ron is Dumbledore, or Dumbledore is Ron, huh?

Sirius: Want to go for a walk now, Harry? Want to go for a walk? Want me to fetch for you? I can fetch! Want me to fetch, Harry?

Percy: Help! Mother! Penelope! Help! They're going to drown me in a vat of burning pumpkin juice!

Ginny: Lovegood, you air-headed misfit! I'll toss you behind that damned curtain myself if you don't stay the hell away from Harry!

Voldemort: Albus, old man! How've you been? We should really get together and go bowling some evening. Remember the year we were Wizard league champions? Kicked Gandalf's arse that night didn't we?

Harry (groaning): I wonder if I sent Rowling a really nice owl she would speed up the new book a bit.....