Trapped in my Mind

Trapped In My Mind

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Chapter 1: My Shadow

-Draco Malfoy-

I cannot hear, walk, or see, but I can feel. It is degrading to have to rely on someone else to do every little thing for you. I would die if Potter saw me like this! With someone undressing me, carrying me to the bath, then helping me bathe. Whoever it is, I need his help to even eat, get dressed, brush my teeth, and comb my hair.

I like to think that whoever is doing this is at least paid for it, but I know better. I know the person is male, I know he is strong, yet gentle and warm.

I know it is NOT Snape, for he is cold and never gentle. I know it is not any female at the school, for this person has masculine features. Though that does not leave out Pansy, but she is not gentle either.

I know that whoever it is has infinite patience with me, for I scream, rant and rave most of the time, yet he is still gentle. I know that it is the same person each time I wake, for I have grown to know his touch like my own.

He talks to me... I know I cannot hear or see, so he traces words on my skin, and I talk back to him, silently for me, well at least in my mind I am very loud, but most of the time I just trace back on his skin.

If I lost my ability to feel, I fear I would go mad! If I lost him I would probably stop feeling. I sometimes wonder why he puts up with me, but I never ask him. I do nothing but insult and belittle him, but most of the time I just rant on about how this is all Potter's fault. He stays by my side no matter how bad my mood, he must not like Potter either, for he even tells me stories of how Potter has gotten into trouble during the day while I am stuck in this bed or chair.

When classes are going on, I am at my loneliest; I would trace patterns in the chair or bed, count my breaths, anything to pass the time. I would stare at the grate whiteness that is now my vision. Really, you would think it is black but I can still see light, it is only black when there is no light. I am eternally grateful for that, for if my life was filled with nothing but blackness, I would have ended it myself.

I call him my shadow, or shad for short. I think he likes the nickname. He would not tell me his name; he said he did not want me to be embarrassed about who it was when I was 'better'. Oh yes, did I not tell you? He seems to think I will get better; it is the only reason why I am still alive. If he has faith that I will get better, then who am I to say I won´t? So he is my shadow, a boy whose name I do not know, someone whom I can't thank when this is over, someone who does not expect thanks in return for his deeds.

...My Shadow...

Chapter 2: My Ghosts

I finally got the nerve to ask Shad if my parents lived through the attack. There was a long pause before he traced the words out on my arm. 'I am sorry, D, but they are dead.' I just nodded; I knew my father was a Death Eater and my mother wholeheartedly supported him, but damn, he was MY father! He loved me, he showed me things, and he helped me with my problems. Shad must have seen the pain in my face, because he hugged me and would not let go till the tears stopped. I would like to think it was a quiet cry but I know better, me being deaf does not mean I can't feel my throat all sore and scratchy.

I dreamt that night. Of the night of the accident. The night my world imploded in on me. Potter was there at Malfoy Manor. Voldemort was also there, my father was one of the men in a circle around Voldemort.

--Flash Back--

Potter and Voldemort were exchanging words but I could not hear, I was just entering the large room of the Manor.

That is when things went black. I know something fell on me but I don't know what. Later, when I had woken up from the fall, it was the first time I felt my shadow. He was near me, working on my arm, trying to work the cramps out so I could use it. I could not hear or see, nor could I move my legs. I panicked, but the strong arms of my shadow wrapped around me, holding me, calming me by stroking my hair. I could feel the vibrations of his throat, I knew he was trying to soothe me vocally but I could not hear.

I cried myself to sleep. The next morning I only assumed it was morning. It was bright, but I never could see anything, only this bright light that would not go away even when I closed my eyes. He was there, or at least he was there shortly after I woke up. I first did not know it was he; all I knew was that someone was tapping on my arm.

I shoved his hand away when he just started tracing on my arm. It took a while for me to realize that he was writing on my arm. 'Okay, Draco, it is okay, they say you will get better but only if you help.' there was a pause 'Do you want to get better?' I realized he was waiting for me to reply, so I simply nodded. 'First, we need to get you showered, you stink.' I think, but I could not be sure, that I looked puzzled; I could not see, how could I take a shower?! I felt him wrap an arm around my waist with my right arm up against his chest. I tried to shove him away yelling and protesting the whole time, telling him to sod off and leave me alone, but it was all for nothing, for I felt myself being lifted off the bed.

He carried me a short way to a chair and started tracing on my arm again. 'This would be easier if you helped, Draco.' Help? I voiced as much but I could not hear my own voce; it is odd saying something and not hearing your own voce. 'Undress' came the response. Undress! I called him a bloody pervert and told him to sod off, I would do no such thing!

He, of course, ignored me, and later I found myself sitting nude on a chair under a stream of water, me pouting with my arms crossed over my chest, determined to make his job hell. This did not daunt me as he gently (I was to find out later he would always be gentle with me, no matter my mood) scrubbed at my skin with a sponge and washed my hair... I am rather reluctant to admit it, but yes, my shadow did wash ALL of me.

--End flash back--

I pulled my eyes open from the dream, I could not exactly call it a nightmare. Of course, I relived the horrible night when I lost all: my parents, my sight, my hearing, my ability to walk. But I gained a gentle companion and friend, one that was impossible to anger, no matter how much I screamed and hollered, one that would always be there, one that is better then Potter could have ever been. One that is better then Potter's Weasel! Okay, now I am gloating, but really, that is all I have left in this life...

...My Shadow...
...My Ghosts...

Chapter 3: My Touch

He was there when I woke; I don't know if he stays the whole night or gets here very early in the morning. I could actually feel my feet, one month after the accident and I could finally feel my feet! I was thrilled, I was almost giggling when I told him to stop tickling my feet.

He traced on the heel of my foot. 'You can feel this, D?' I just nodded, trying not to fall out of the bed laughing. He had moved up to my head, or at least this is where I felt his touch next, combing my hear as I lay there.

'They say you can go home, D, they say there is nothing more they can do for you here.' I was starting to panic; I did not want to go home, at least not without my shadow, and I told him so. He just pulled me into a tight hug, then traced 'Let´s get you cleaned up, D.' I nodded.

After I was showered, fed and watered, my shadow sat behind me, combing my hair. I was starting to crave his touch more and more; it let me know that I was not alone, that I was still alive in my lonely mind. I had asked him when his classes start, and he told me he was supposed to be at Potions, but he normally skipped that class, and no one cared. I found this funny; normally, if anyone, myself included, skipped Snape's class, it would be on that student's head. I voiced the fact Snape would skin him for skipping, or at the very least fail him.

'The Headmaster has given me a permanent pass as long as the time is spent in the infirmary.' He traced on my arm. I asked him how many people knew I was blind and deaf. 'Only five,' was his answer, followed closely by 'You will get better, I promise, no one else needs to know.' I then asked if Potter knew. His response was to dodge the question with 'Does it matter?' I thought about that. Did it matter? Potter was not like me, he was not one to hold things over someone's head, but for some reason it did matter and I told my shadow so. 'Yes, Potter is one of these five.' I asked if he counted himself as one of the five, and the answer was a yes. I was getting close to figuring out who he was, and he knew that, so he was quick with a 'No more questions, D.'

The day was a slow one after Shad left. I was left with my own devices. I could twitch my big toes, but I could barely move my legs. If I could get them working again, I might be able to live with being blind and deaf. That is if I can keep Shad with me.

Weeks flew by, as Shad visited me before and after classes and spent all his weekends with me. It was Saturday, and he asked again. 'Do you want to go home and recover there?' I told him that there was no one and nothing there for me, and I didn't think I could make it without him. 'School lets out in a month, D, I could go with you. That is if you will have me.' I could not believe I lost so much track of time; I guess it is a side affect of being so trapped in one´s own mind; after all, it´s not like I can look at a calendar or watch. It was rather disconcerting, and so I frowned. 'Are you feeling all right, D?' Shadow traced on my arm. I told him that not being able to see and hear was just depressing, and I did not want to talk about it.

Before I left the school for home, I could find my way around by feel. Shad had helped me with exercising my legs to get them strong enough for me to use them. This was my 7th year, and both me and my Shadow missed the leaving ball. I did not want to be seen like this; Shadow understood and would not leave my side, even though I could feel he was dressed in dress robes for the ball. I tried pitching a fit to get him to go, but I should have known better - he is more stubborn than me.

I, of course, graduated. I really don't know how I pulled that off, but I did. Snape handed me my diploma in private, I could tell by his grip. It is odd how I can sense things about people by just touch alone. Shadow was there; I could not feel him, yet I knew that he was just about four feet to my right. If I was to reach out with my right hand, I would be able to feel him.

I was hit hard by a bout of depression after getting to the Manor, but no matter my mood he was still here, tending to me. I started having the nightmares again, or are they dreams? I never did solve that dilemma. It was after one of these dreams that it happened. I woke up, and because I was not 'so' paralyzed anymore I could tell I was hard. From the shower scene of the dream, I am sure. I was hoping that Shadow was out of the room; I really had no way of telling about my problem. This was not the first time I had to go about doing this, and Shadow never mentioned it, so I assumed he was never in the room when I did it. However, this time while I was going through my normal moaning and groaning thing as my orgasm hit, my vision cleared just for a split second, long enough to see that someone was reading a book at the foot of my bed.

It was too fast for me to take in color, and everything appeared to be in black and white, but I could have sworn it was...

Potter... and all I could think about was how he could stand

...My Touch...

Chapter 4: My Hearing

I knew there was something different about waking up this time. It took me a while to figure out that it was because I could hear birds chirping outside. That in itself was nothing special but I had not heard a single sound in months, and that is what made it special.

I found that I could not wait to tell my shadow. I heard the door creek open, with a soft click it closed behind whoever entered. The sound of soft footsteps, he must be barefoot, followed by the scent of breakfast and the clanking of dishes. I smiled as I realized that he has brought me food.

I heard him setting down the tray of food, then felt him taking a seat at the side of the bed. Gently, as always, he took my hand and traced 'Wake up, D, it is time to eat' on my arm. With his help I sat up in bed to eat the food he brought for me.

The food would always be what I liked to eat, and there would always be the right amount cooked perfectly, for me anyway. I knew he had to have cooked it, for there were no house elves left in the Manor... not after my father's death and my accident.

I was reveling in all the sound I was hearing while Shadow helped me shower. I would have never thought that the sound of running water would be so calming, but for some reason months of no sound had made it so for me.

After Shadow had me washed, dried, and sat in a chair (I had yet to tell him that I could hear), I could hear the sound of singing coming from the bathroom. Shadow had not shut the bathroom door, so I could hear him quite nicely. He sounded hauntingly familiar. The memory was just at the edge of my mind, and yet I could not place it.

I got up from the chair, felt my way over to the doorway and tried to get closer to the singing, yet without making any sound. Trying to place the sound, his voice, with a face. After a while the water stopped, and so did the singing. Soon after that I heard a soft gasp and rushing in my direction, as I felt strong gentle arms wrapping around me and leading me back to my chair.

'Don't do that, D, you could have hurt yourself moving around like that' he traced on my arm.

I frowned and snapped out that I was not helpless. He sighed like he was fighting a loosing battle, and just drew me closer to him holding me in a wet protective embrace.

I leaned back into him and whispered that I could hear. As soon as I said it, I regretted it. He tensed up, I guess trying to figure out if he had said anything that might give away his identity. Finally he traced on my arm 'That's good, Draco, any day now and you will be as good as new.' You're not going to talk anymore, are you? I asked him as I felt him relax. 'No, Draco, I am afraid not.'

The day passed rather quickly with my Shadow doing everything he normally did. I was getting used to walking around the Manor blind and using my hearing to locate things. When night fell, my shadow bid me farewell and left me to my dreams, and

.... My Hearing...

Chapter 5: My Sight

It's not helping, the pacing up and down the hall, not that I thought it would. I hurt but it is not a pain you feel on the outside but the pain you feel on the inside, my heart. It would be fair to say that it is a dull ache now. But that is not how it felt after I first read the note.

I found the note when I woke up. It was leant against a small vase with a single white rose in it. In front of the rose was my breakfast. I was amazed that I could actually 'see' it, not just smell. I was so happy I could not wait to share this development with my shadow.

I searched the manor from top to bottom looking for him before I returned to my room to eat my breakfast. 'Maybe he left to pick some things up in town.' 'Maybe he went to visit his friends?' My mind went on and on like this the whole time I ate. Finally after eating I picked up the letter to read it. 'Maybe it will tell me where he is?'

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Dear Draco,

Well I have done all I can for you, now the rest you have to do on your own. There is not a lot left to do. In a few weeks the limp should be gone from your right leg. You can see now though you might need spectacles. And as you told me last night, you can hear again.

I am happy you are almost all healed, but I am also sad in a way because it means my time with you has come to an end. I hope that you look back and remember me fondly, but knowing the Malfoy pride that probably will not happen. I am sorry that someone had to help you through this for I am sure you would have preferred to do it on your own. You see that is why I am leaving before you can see who it is that has helped you. Now you are free to forget this horrible chapter in your life, and I will try the same though I don't want to.

It was fun why it lasted Draco and I hope that when you are fully recovered you will not do something dumb like follow in your father's footsteps. I have spent fairly too much time, money, and effort to have you throw it away for something as meaningless as power. But I am sure you don't see it the same way I do. That is another reason I must say 'goodbye Draco'.

I will never forget you.

Always,
Shadow

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Like a slowly boiling pot, I got madder and madder and madder. Not at the words my shadow had wrote, but at the cowardly act of leaving. He left me! He told me to forget him!

If only he knew. I was not upset that he helped me through this hard time; in fact I was glad he helped. If not for his help I might not have made it. And damn it I don't want to forget! I don't want to have to look back, I want to look forward. Forward to a life with him in it!

After I read the note I stormed out of the room. Destroying anything and everything that was in my path I ran down the hall. When I got to the end I quickly turned and stormed back to my room. I did this over and over till I had calmed myself down. But now I think the anger was better, for the pain that replaced it was enough to kill a man.

I have to get him back! I have to drag my shadow back home. He left the only clue I need to do it. The note might not tell me where he is but I know the handwriting, and it told me who he is.

Damn My Sight!
I want My Lion!

Edit by: Moonchild

Thus ends "Trapped in my Mind" look for "My Lion" not to be confused with "Lion". "My Lion" will be the sequel and will stay in Draco's point of view.

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