Harry Potter and the Book That Never Was

Harry Potter and the Book that Never Was

"It's like looking in a mirror, isn't it?" said Dumbledore genially.

"Oh yes," the other white haired, white bearded wizard replied with a twinkle in his eye. "Most curious. What are those things that hover on your nose?" he asked.

"Glasses," Dumbledore said. "They help me see better."

"Really? In my world wizards have perfect sight."

"Oh, I have perfect sight, but it never hurts to seem a little bit weaker than you are, now, does it?" Dumbledore winked at his esteemed colleague and proffered a bag. "Lemon sherbet?" he asked.

"Don't mind if I do," said Gandalf the Grey and popped the sweet in his mouth. He sucked, experimentally and smiled. "Hmm," he said, "tangy."

"I'm enjoying your visit immensely, my dear wizard, but I can't help feeling a certain curiosity on the means you employed in coming here. No-one can Apparate inside Hogwarts and yet here you are. And your friends as well."

"Actually," Gandalf said, a little indistinctly around the sweet, "I haven't the faintest idea. My friends and I were on a quest and had just met those other rather oddly clothed people when we were attacked and some confusion ensued. Suddenly we were here, at your school. I can feel that your magic is very powerful, so I have no doubts that together we'll find a way to send us all back home."

"Yes, yes, and in the meantime you are all my guests. But shush, the Hat is about to sing."

Gandalf leaned slightly forward the better to observe this phenomenon.

The Hat cleared its felt a few time and started.

I've sorted all the children born

With magic to display

And thought my duty done this year

But I am forced to stay.

I'm honour-bound to warn you all

When I detect a danger

Or when I feel some oddity,

But this is a lot stranger.

From places you will never see,

Beyond your dreams, some blokes

With magic of their own they come

And they won't just tell jokes.

Depending how you treat them all

They'll be our friends or foes

So make them welcome, everyone,

Give them kind words, not blows.

Now some of them will study here

And maybe some will teach

Their ways will be quite odd for you

And so will be their speech.

And one there is, a villain pure,

Who's joined with You-Know-Who

And he will be the one who will

Bring danger to me and you.

Some come on and be sorted

You new friends and we'll see

Where you will end in Hogwarts and

Be happy as can be.

Gandalf turned to Dumbledore. "A bit lame, isn't it? I see we'll have to teach you real songs, my friend."

"Shh! It's a very old Hat, thousand year and more, you know? It's going a bit senile."

All heroes go to Gryffindor

The House that's always Right

All geniuses to Ravenclaw

The House that's ever Bright

All wusses go to Hufflepuff

The House that's ever True

Ambitious prats to Slytherin

The House we always screw!

"More than a bit senile, I fear," sighed Dumbledore. "Still, there's not much I can do about it."

Minerva McGonagall shut her mouth with a snap and glared at the Hat who had the decency to droop at the point. She glanced at the parchment that had magically appeared in her hand and called out: "Aragorn, son of Arathorn."

"Oh, look!" said Gandalf. "He's a great friend of mine and a great warrior and... sixteen?" he added weakly.

"Apparently Hogwarts has decided that, as they're going to be students, they have to be the right age. Can't have adults in children's dorms, now, can we?" twinkled Dumbledore.

"GRYFFINDOR!!!" bellowed the Hat and sat smugly on a deafened Ranger's head.

"Frodo Baggins"

"Funny little fellow," Dumbledore commented. "Are you quite sure he's human... a wizard?"

"He's a Hobbit, actually," Gandalf said. "Delightful race of halflings. They cultivate this weed to smoke. Would you care to try it?"

"Don't mind if I do, actually. What exactly do you do?"

"Well, you light it and suck the smoke up in your mouth and puff it out. It's quite easy. Here, let me light this for you." Gandalf snapped his fingers and the aromatic smoke started curling happily around Dimbledore's nose.

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Loyal buggers, are they?"

"That's not what the Hat said," remarked Gandalf tartly. "But yes, They are loyal, easygoing and always ready to eat and sing. They can be quite fierce in battle, though."

"Oh, the Hat never goes for secondary characteristics. It's always been brave Gryffindor, brainy Ravenclaw, loyal Hufflepuff and slimy Slytherin. No finesse."

"Sam Gamgee."

"Oh, another one! How enchanting. Bet he goes to Hufflepuff too?"

"He'd better," said Gandalf with a smile. "He can't bear to be separated from Frodo. He'd even threaten the Hat."

"Oh," said Dumbledore entranced by this apparent little-men-with-furry-feet perversion. "Are they that way?"

The Hat yelling Hufflepuff saved Gandalf from a moment of acute embarrassment.

The Hufflepuff table cheered Sam in. He elbowed Hannah, who was making cow eyes at Frodo, aside and sat as near his master as it was possible to do without actually touching him.

"We're in a pickle, master Frodo, and no maybe about it," he scoffed.

"Jean Grey."

Jean went to sit on the stool accompanied by a susurrus, like starlings unfurling their wings. It sounded suspiciously like "Whooo!" if one can whisper whoo.

Hello lovely lass, the Hat spoke with a small quiet voice in the Phoenix' mind.

Hi, she projected gaily back at it. So you're telepathic too? How nice.

Beauty and brains, said the Hat. There's really only one House for you, my dear.

That would be nice if I wasn't currently reading your thoughts, you perv! Sort me at once and DO NOT yell like that in my ears. Jean hadn't had to deal with Warren Worthington for years for nothing.

"Ravenclaw," said the Hat meekly, surprising everyone but Scott. He knew that set of his wife... no wait... fiancée... what? Panic settled snugly in Cyke's mind. He scowled horribly thinking back on the times when his love had seemed so hopeless. That stupid hat had better put him in the same house. He couldn't really go through all that again.

"Remy LeBeau," McGonagall had barely looked at the odd assortment of teens, but she glanced up and saw trouble sitting down on the stool. Trouble with a capital T. This one was worse than the Twins, worse that Sirius Black. She scowled.

"Why is everyone scowling?" Gandalf asked, much amused. "Surely the sight of two handsome children shouldn't be a cause for anger."

"Hormones," said sagely Dumbledore. "You've brought two... no, three heartbreakers in a school full of adolescents. I can practically see the hormones sloshing out of their ears."

What did you do to Jeanie to make her so mad, mec? Gambit was asking the Hat. I know that set of her shoulders.

Nothing, nothing, said the Hat quickly. You're a strange one, Mister Lebeau, it added, eager to change argument. You're brave, but devious; intelligent, but secretive.

I'm a Master Thief, Gambit answered proudly. Can't be one without having lots of talents.

I see, mused the Hat, in that case I think I'll place you in...

"SLYTHERIN!"

"HURRAH!" screamed Pansy amid general laughter.

"Legolas...?"

"Just Legolas, lady." The elf's musical voice stopped the laughter. Tens of mandibles crashed on sterna. Even Hermione was seen to drool gently.

"She always goes for the dumb blonds," muttered Ron.

You're not human, are you? the Hat asked suspiciously.

No, Magic Hat, Legolas thought smilingly, I am a Sindarin elf of the house of Thranduil.

Elf? If Hats could yelp, this one would have. I can see the pointy ears but they are ridiculously underdeveloped, you're far too tall, your eyes are too small and let's not even mention the hair.

I am not of this world, Magic Hat, Legolas reminded it gently. I am a very bold warrior, he added hopefully.

I don't care, the Hat said peevishly. You say you're an elf and you look like Gilderoy Lockhart only thought he looked. You're ending in Slytherin and no ifs and buts about it.

But I am Good, I fight for the Light against the Darkness, I even managed to befriend a Dwarf! I can't go into the Evil House.

Nobody said it was evil, I said we screw them, take it as you will. Besides, it's a hair thing.

"SLYTHERIN!" the Hat announced loudly in a tone that brooked no opposition.

With slumped shoulders, the elf went to sit at the appointed table. He was so dejected that his superior senses failed him and he didn't hear Millicent Bulstrode excited whisper.

"Merlin! We're the House of the Sex Gods!"

"Fear the competition?" Blaise murmured maliciously to Draco Malfoy.

"Moi?" the Ice Prince of Slytherin said, amused. "Just for that I get dibs on both. You can have my leftovers." He thought for a second and smirked.

TBC