How Do You Solve a Problem like the Dark Lord?

On a dark, moon-drenched heath, the Dark Lord and the Death Eaters come together The wind howls around them, sending their black robes flying behind them as their faces are barely lit by the ghostly glow. Out of the darkness speaks Lord Voldemort

Voldemort: It is time now, my dark minions, to arise. Yes, Death Eaters, midnight shows her shady face, so come, my people, and arise!

Laughs in a manic fashion as the Death Eaters assemble at his feet

Voldemort: Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle and all! Are you ready to terrorise? To kill? To paint the town red- quite literally, I must say. Blood red.

He smiles smugly at his 'humour', but there is silence from the Death Eaters

Voldemort: You are unmoved. Why do I not excite you? You cannot tell me that it is not your deepest desire to blast body after body, limb from limb.

Malfoy shuffles his feet uncomfortably

Malfoy: In all due respect, your greatness, can't we just watch The Sound of Music? It's rather chilly out and we all so enjoy the lovely Julie Andrews and her menagerie of singing children.

Voldemort: You would rather do that than strike fear into the hearts of helpless individuals?

Goyle: Oh, yes, Master! Raindrops on roses-

Death Eaters: - and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens!-

Voldemort: SILENCE!

The Death Eaters stop immediately, looking sheepish and muttering "Sorry, Master.."

Voldemort: What is so great about this- this Muggle monstrosity, you fools?

Crabbe: Oh, Master! It's got songs, and dancing, and cute little 'uns and...

Death Eaters: NUNS!

Voldemort: Well, I do have a little penchant for nuns. Fine, you shall have your way. This will not happen again, and you shall pay for it with Cruciatus.

Taking his wand and waving it over his head

Voldemort: Accio VCR and telly!

Sure enough, a big flying telly barely misses his head

Voldemort: Malfoy, hand me the thingy-watsit what has the film on it.

Malfoy: The video, oh darkest one?

Voldemort: Yes, yes. The.... VD-Oh.

Malfoy hands him the film and he sticks it in the machine. Immediately, the Death Eaters assemble around the TV, mumbling excitedly amongst themselves. Suddenly, a beautiful view of mountains comes into focus

Goyle: She's coming!

Crabbe: She's coming! Maria's coming!

And suddenly, Maria appears, skipping about with her arms wide

Voldemort: Now, what does this woman think she is doing? Crabbe? Goyle?

Crabbe: Sssh!!

Maria starts to sing, and naturally, the Death Eaters croon along. Suddenly, Voldemort's expression changes and he clasps his hands with delight

Voldemort: Oh! How utterly enchanting. The hills are alive with the Sound of Music.. Isn't it lovely?

Crabbe begins to sing louder, but is stopped when Voldemort throws him a scowl

Voldemort: Silence. I do not know these songs, and do not wish to hear you corrupt them.

A little later on in the film

Voldemort: What an awful lot of children. Goyle- their names were..?

Goyle: Leisl, Gretel, Brigette, Marta, Kurt... er.... Adolf, Attilla.. Maria- no, Maria's the nun, yes I know you know that, your evilness.. and Eva. Yes, Eva.

Voldemort: I see. Goodness, isn't it funny how that little dear rather resembles a pig?

Later on, when the film has finished. The Sun is beginning to rise, bathing the hill in a rosy glow

Voldemort: Right, I've got it now. Doe re mi fa so la ti doe ti la so fa mi re doe. Did you hear that? I did it! I really did!

Malfoy: Yes, my Lord. Why not add in the words for an extra special performance?

Voldemort: Yes, I think I shall. Doe... a drink with jam and bread, was it?

Goyle: Nearly, nearly, Master. You have a lovely voice. You could be Maria herself, if I didn't know better.

Voldemort: Oh, you!

He realises that was rather out of character and clears his throat, taking on an 'important' posture

Voldemort: My dear, dastardly ingesters of death. I have decided after that film that I don't want to be a nasty evil wizard any more. The time has come to stop being like the Baron, the baddie and to be more of a Maria. And that is why, my dearest darlings, I would like to become... A nanny.

The Death Eaters gasp and look confused. Voldemort continues, with a serene smile on his face that is ultimately terrifying

Voldemort: I know, I know, no little sprites to look after! Now... I realise that you lot are not interested in the old Eating Death thing anymore?

Malfoy: Well.. No, Master.

Voldemort: And there are nine or so of you, are there not?

The Death Eaters nod obediently as one

Voldemort: Well, my lovely conspirers, how would you like to reform as the Von Trappe children?

Crabbe squeals and claps his hands

Crabbe: Oh, yes, we'd adore that, your treacherousness- or should I say, your nannyness?

Goyle: This has always been my dream. Er.. After world domination, of course.

He grins sheepishly. Malfoy runs to Voldemort's side, waving his arm in the air

Malfoy: I'M LEISL!

Crabbe puts his hands on his hips and stamps his foot

Crabbe: That's so unfair- you're ALWAYS Leisl.

Malfoy: But Crabbe, sweet Crabbe, you are simply too cute for Leisl. Yes, you would make a much more adorable Gretel!

Crabbe: No! I simply refuse to be the pig-child. Lestrange can be her. I shall be the girl that reads.

Malfoy: Oh, yes. I rather like her.

Goyle: Bags me Kurt!

Voldemort: Who's Kurt?

Goyle shrugs. Later on, they are all skipping around in the morning sun, adorned in frocks and lederhosen made of curtains

Voldemort: When the dog bites,

When the bee stings,

When I'm feeling sad,

I s-

His song is interrupted as Harry Potter appears spontaneously on the hilltop, brandishing his wand and growling

Harry: I have come to defeat you, Lord Voldemort! Show yourself, you big ugly coward!

He suddenly catches a glimpse of Voldemort hugging all nine Death Eaters and crooning to them

Harry: IS THIS THE DOWNFALL OF CIVILISATION?! I mean, really, look at yourselves, no-one's gping to be scared of you while you're clad in upholstery. What in Merlin's name do you think you're doing?

Malfoy: We're playing a lovely game, Potter!

Harry: You're PLAYING! I come to rid the world of your dastardly crime and I find you PLAYING?

Voldemort: Oh, Harry. Dear, sweet Harry. Do join us, we are playing The Sound of Music.

The 'Company' make to start singing again. Harry gazes on, half discombobulated and half terrified

Harry: My God!

Voldemort: Oh, Harry. This film saved my life. It showed me what a nasty, mean baddie I was. There will be no more killing or tormenting for me, instead I shall bake lovely cakes and sing happy songs and have lots of fluffy little kittens! I want to be a goodie, and I am offering you the olive branch. Shall you take it and make Uncle Vollie the happiest man alive?

Malfoy: We've turned good, you see.

Harry: Well, in that case, 'Uncle Vollie'.... I'll be Mr. Von Trappe!

All: Hurrah!

When the dog bites,

When the bee stings,

When I'm feeling sad,

I simply remember my favourite things

And then I don't feel

so bad!

And with that, Voldemort became a new man. He and the Death Eaters opened up 'Uncle Vollie's School of the Arts' and taught children for many generations how to be truly happy. And The Sound of Music lived on in Harry Potter, the sweet swells of the music forever in his heart