It's Not Insanity

It's Not Insanity

By Flame Star

He lost everything in that war.

His friends, his dignity, his family... but that didn't matter to him anymore. Nothing ever did, nor will it in the future.

The Mediwitches at St. Mungo's, where he is a long term resident, can't get him to do anything besides breathe. He lies there, day after day in the same trance-like state, gazing up at the ceiling. His face is emotionless, always set in that same, blank stare.

He lives off the potions being injected through an IV tube into his veins. His teeth are clenched so tightly together that they would need the Jaws of Life to pry them open, so he can't consume real food or beverage.

The Minister thinks he's crazy. The whole Wizarding World thinks he's nuts. The officials at St. Mungo's think he could be classified as clinically insane, hell, he already has been classified clinically insane. All the newspapers did stories on him, on how cracked up he is, and how it's such a joke that their savior went completely bonkers in the end... and I won't tolerate it anymore. He isn't insane. He's in grief.

You see, after the loss of his parents and Sirius, Remus Lupin assumed the role of Harry's father-figure. This was in our sixth year, and everything had turned in a downwards spiral from that point.

Just after Christmas of that year, Voldemort broke the ancient protections on the castle and he and his army waged war on our beloved Hogwarts, capturing few and injuring many.

Thankfully, nobody was hurt and we reclaimed all the hostages they took.

It was after this first attack that Dumbledore instructed the House Leaders, Prefects and Head Boy and Girl to take the school into hiding. Down into depths of the school's underground, past the Chamber of Secrets, into the shelter the four founders had provided for an attack of such magnitude that the magic protecting the walls would be obliterated. Only the Headmaster knew the password to the ancient shelter, whose entrance was confined under the stairway to the Head's office.

The shelter wasn't grand, but it wasn't run-down either. The entire student body sat down there while the first bout of the battle raged on. Mysteriously, the dark forces disappeared and we were able to return to our schedules a week later.

Upon returning to school the next year, the War began again in mid-October. This time, all the sixth and seventh years, along with prefects, teachers, ghosts and head boy and girl made their way to the front ranks and fought. The Order arrived seconds after, along with ministry officials, Aurors, and, surprisingly, Cornelius Fudge himself.

We suffered many casualties. In all, after the war was said and done, there were one hundred twenty-four people who were sent to St. Mungo's from our side. There were also twelve people to bury.

Among them was old Professor McGonagall. She was hit in the chest at the same time with three disarming spells, and having already suffered the same injury to an extent, she died moments after.

The next to die was Professor Snape. He did a good job spying for the Order, though when he appeared with the Death Eaters, his mind barriers as a Legillimens were down, and Voldemort took one look into his mind and killed him on the spot, but not before Snape could kill Avery and another Death Eater.

Another Professor who sadly went down was their new Defense against the Dark Arts Professor, Professor Cadbury. Before she went down, she had managed to destroy three rogue Centaurs who were all headed for Terry Boot, who had a leg-locker curse and a disarming charm set upon him, and he was crawling through the grass to get his wand. After the professor performed the countercurse, she was trampled by more rogue Centaurs.

The first student fatality was, sadly, Parvati Patil. She had been dueling a female Death Eater when a giant picked her up and squeezed her until her lungs were crushed.

Tonks was the next to go. She had been double-teamed by Macnair and Dolohov. While she managed to kill the latter, Macnair got her a split second after she fired the curse.

After Parvati died, her twin, Padma, was grief-stricken. She went into a maddened rage and miraculously destroyed the giant which crushed her sister. Afterward, she mysteriously passed on, and the cause of death still hasn't been determined.

The next fatality was that of old Mad-Eye Moody. He was hit with a powerful dark curse that made him literally explode.

The next two were at the same time. Ernie Macmillan and Anthony Goldstein were fighting back-to-back, when Bellatrix Lestrange hit them both with the dark, deadly Skin-Blaze curse. As soon as it hit them, their skin erupted into flames and the two burned to death. Their ashes were swept away by the wind.

Lupin died almost instantly after that. He was murdered by Peter Pettigrew, who crushed his windpipe with his strong, metal hand. Harry was devastated, though not as much as he would soon be.

Dumbledore sacrificed himself for Harry's chance at destroying Lord Voldemort shortly after. A killing curse, sent his way by Voldemort, was rebounded by some powerfully magical spell of Dumbledore's and sent towards him. I clearly remember Harry screaming out in anguish as Dumbledore's body fell gracefully to the ground and vanished, leaving only a pile of robes.

The death that finally pushed him over the edge was that of Ron Weasley. Voldemort killed him personally, and he made sure Harry was watching as his curse was sent rushing towards the poor redhead. The look of horror upon Ron's face as he went down was purely terror. Harry rushed over to him and caught his almost-lifeless body before it reached the ground. I raced towards them and Harry gently settled him into my arms. Ron, one of mine and Harry's best friends, was nearly dead. His last words were, in a soft, raspy, tired whisper were 'Beat him for me, will you?' And he passed on there and then. I put a powerfully magical shield charm around his body and raced after Harry.

Harry tracked down Voldemort and they had a final showdown right in the middle of the Hogwarts grounds. As soon as they were within ten feet of each other, both of them were instantly entrapped in a dome of Phoenixfire, a rare, mysterious type of bright red flame that only phoenixes can create that signifies a duel to the death. It's said nothing can exit the fire until there is a victor, though that was never proven until that day.

I watched anxiously outside the dome with Ginny, who was clinging onto me and vice-versa, fearfully watching that battle and crying over Ron.

After what seemed like forever, Harry destroyed Voldemort. The prophecy was complete. The Phoenixfire dissipated. The Death Eaters burst into green flames. There were none left.

And that's when, maddened by grief, Harry collapsed, shaking violently, his face blank as it is now.

He's remained this way for three months.

Yesterday I went to visit him to see if there was a change in his attention, habits, and stuff like that. What I didn't expect was for him to talk to me like he had when we were still in school months ago.

It was when all the Mediwitches left that he sat up and spoke. I was completely shocked.

"How have you been, Hermione?" he said as he smiled slightly.

"F-fine, th-thank you," I replied, amazed, "H-Harry, this is w-wonderful, l-let me get the m-med-Mediwitches..."

He stood up at that moment and grabbed my shoulder.

"You'll do no such thing," he said sternly. I could feel tears well up in my eyes.

"But-" I began, but he cut me off.

"Listen Hermione, please. I..." he started sadly, "I'm not the Harry you used to know. I killed someone, and even though it was for the sake of the world, I just can't live with it."

"Harry," I began uncertainly, but he hushed me.

"Hermione... I can't do it. I just can't live knowing that. I..." that's when he got down on his knees, "Hermione, please kill me."

I was speechless. I was also starting to wonder whether he actually was insane or not.

"Harry, no. That's not a reason to ask to be murdered!"

"Hermione please, I'm begging you!" he wept, hugging my left leg, "Hermione, if there was ever one thing you would ever do for me, please let this be it!"

"Harry, please tell me why you want to die," I asked sadly.

He was sobbing uncontrollably now.

"I can't take it anymore! Please, Hermione, please..."

He sounded so pitiful, so miserable... I couldn't bring myself to let him suffer.

"Are you sure...?" I asked slowly. I wanted to be positive he knew what he was asking.

"Yes. Yes a thousand times infinity, please just do it!" he cried in anguish, his tears flowing like a raging river from his eyes.

I would never forgive myself for what I did next. I performed the spell which Mediwitches use to put suffering people to sleep. There was a counter spell to that, but I never looked it up...

Horrified at what I had done, I took Harry into my arms.

"What have I done?" I whispered quickly, and Harry smiled weakly at me. I knew he only had moments to live.

"I knew. The first time I really looked at you, I knew," he said cryptically.

"Harry, what are you saying?" I asked quickly.

"I knew you were going to grant me the biggest favor of my life. And since then..." his voice got softer, "I've known that there will never be another witch like you. The way you laugh, the way you've always scolded me and Ron for not doing our homework, the way you've lived... Through the years it's only told me one thing."

I was crying now, tears spilling sown my face as I choked out four words.

"And what is that?"

His eyes were beginning to close. He was almost gone.

"That... that I..." he paused, "love you, Hermione Granger, and I always will be..."

I was so speechless at that time moments passed before I realized he was truly gone. I'll never forgive myself for killing him. Never.

And then it hit me.

I never got the chance to admit that I loved him back.