I'm Going to Hate Myself Tonight

SLAM!

I sigh. Here we go again, I think, setting down my book and walking into the living room of the flat I share with Sirius.

Sirius whacks his keys down on the table and throws his coat on the floor angrily. He stomps into the kitchen, opens a cabinet, grabs a mug, and slams it down on the counter. After filling it with tea from his wand, he picks up the mug, stomps to the table, slamms the mug down again, and swears loudly when the scalding liquid splashes over his hands.

"Bad night?" I ask lightly, walking into the kitchen.

"What do you think?" Sirius snaps. I remember a time when I would flinch at Sirius snapping at me. I've grown used to it now- he comes home angry very often. He sits at the table, muttering something that distinctly sounded like "Esma" and "stupid whore".

Esma. How I hate that name. It's the name of the temptress who caught my best friend's heart. The heart I so desperately want as my own. The heart that I want to heal every time it was hurt. I sit down.

"What happened?"

"Stupid whore. Didn't come home when she said she would. Refused to tell me where she was!" Sirius growls, grasping his cup menacingly.

"Well, I suppose it's her own business, isn't it?" I ask, knowing his answer already.

"It's my business, too, dammit! I don't want her out shagging random men again! She was at a club earlier, what else could she have been doing?" His mug shatters, spilling tea all over the table and floor. I know him too well.

So she was out shagging someone else again. Did I mention the temptress is a slut? Multiple times a week, Sirius comes home angry because he's caught Esma with someone else. "I don't know why you put up with her, Siri," I say as I get up to get a dishtowel. "She really isn't worth it if she sleeps with everything on two legs."

Sirius' hand shoots out, halting the arm I have wiping up the mess of liquid. "Siri, what-" I'm silenced as he stands up and pulls me to him in one swift motion. For a moment, all I can think about is kissing Sirius. His lips are soft, sliding over mine with a desperate urgency. I begin to bring my arms around him and lean in. Then reality jolts me and I jerk back quickly.

"We can't do this," I say firmly, trying to ignore my tingling lips. He cannot come in here and take advantage of me because he is angry. This isn't how things are supposed to happen. He's supposed to confess his undying secret affection and we're supposed to tenderly make love. He isn't supposed to use me because he knows I'll go along with it. If he does, I'll hate myself. I wouldn't be able to face myself, ever again.

"Why not?" he says harshly, pushing me up against the wall and thrusting his hips against my own. It takes every bit of willpower I have to push him away and ignore my tightening pants.

"Siri, I said no." To prove my point, I walk into the living room. A moment later I feel his arms encircle me from behind.

My will isn't made of steel. He turns me around and continues kissing me hungrily. My will crumbles. This time, I don't stop him. His hands rove over my body, causing me to shiver. His soft mouth travels to my neck as his large hands unzip my trousers. I moan, burying my hands in his silky black hair. He knows he can get this from me and that I won't refuse it. Sirius always gets what he wants.

He begins to drag me towards his bedroom, tugging my shirt off at the same time. Once we're through he doorway, he pushes me on the bed and pulls his own shirt off over his head. As he climbs on top of me, I gasp at the feeling of his hot skin against mine. At this moment, I know there is no going back. There is no way I will be able to stop the horrible things he is doing to me. I want it too much.

I'm going to hate myself tonight.