Win Some, Lose More

CHAPTER SEVEN - Things Return To Normal At Hogwarts ... Well, Normal-er

Smithe Manor had now returned to relative normality, although of course anyone who wanted to take a quiet stroll out the back was in for a big surprise.

Ten minutes later there was a knock at the door, which was answered by Jeeves the Elder, who mysteriously disappeared once he found out who it was.

Standing at the door in the light of dawn was a police constable who didn't look like the kind of chap who wants to go around asking the rich questions but has a job to do ad is bloody well going to do it.

He walked in and made his way through to the back, at which point he said:

* * * * *

Snape tapped him on the shoulder. He span around, truncheon in hand.

"Obliviate," said Snape.

The constable blinked and began to stare into nothing.

"What you see out there," the professor continued, "is merely the results of a weather balloon that got caught in a gas pocket and refracted the light of Venus. You're not here to make accusations or questions or any further trouble for Mr. Smithe and your superior is a complete anus. You apologise for the inconvenience and you're going away now."

"I say Severus," said Julie, "it's not just the commando films you've been watching, has it?"

"I am the Professor in Black!"

"I really think TV has a bad effect on you, Severus."

"I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Smithe," said the constable with the same tone that people used when speaking to the late Smith. "I seem to have forgotten why I came here. I apologise for the inconvenience."

He looked out at the patio.

"You know that kind of looks like bits of people on the floor out there, but I'm sure it's nothing more than the results of a weather balloon that got caught in a gas pocket and refracted the light of Venus. Good day Mr. Smithe."

"Good day constable. Jeeves will show you out. Jeeves!"

Jeeves, somewhat satisfied with the erasing of the constables memory, walked him to the door. The constable stopped for a few seconds and squinted.

"Here, I know you. You're the guy what killed old man Smithe!"

"You'll never take me alive!" said Jeeves defiantly.

The constable hit him over the head with his truncheon. Jeeves slumped to the floor.

"Tsk, tsk," said the constable. "The butler always does it "

* * * * *

First thing next morning it was time to depart. Snape had cleaned Julie's patio because he was the only one not put off by jellied corpses scattered across the landscape. No-one dared ask why this was so.

"Well it was certainly nice seeing you again, Severus, and your students," said Julie.

"And the same to you," said Snape.

"Yeah," said Fred. "You might be gay but you're alright by me."

"I'm not gay," said Smithe.

"You're not?" said George.

"No! Whatever on earth gave you that idea? I don't know, kids today. You show a bit of a feminine side and they automatically think you're gay."

"I wouldn't know," said Snape.

The twin's looked sideways at each other.

"Well then," said Harry. "I suppose that's the end of Julius Smith."

"And when we get back to Hogwarts it will be the end of Dick Ed!" said Draco.

"I'll have to send and owl to the Ministry of Magic and have them pick up the brooms and luggage we left at the hotel," said Snape. "For now however, I suppose we'll have to use the trains. Do you have enough of that muggle money, Granger?"

"I think so "

"Hey!" said Malfoy. "That's my money isn't it?"

"And you wanted to use it to get home, didn't you?" said Hermione with the unshifting illogic of the over-convinced.

"Well do let me at least drive you to the train station," said Julie. "It's the least I could do."

* * * * *

And so they arrived at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry by about teatime. The smell of dinner roasting in the kitchens was tangible even from the gates, which on that note

"What are you guys doing here?" said Ron.

Dean Thomas looked at him from his spot on the gates.

"Rioting," he said.

"Rioting?"

"Yeah. We've all been doing it since you left."

"You mean to say that the Gryffindors and the Slytherins have been working together all this time to smash windows and steal urinals?" said Hermione.

"How did you know about the urinal?"

"A calculated guess."

"They've been making demands," said Filch, who was busy untangling the lot of them for dinner. "Little buggers bloody making more work for me. They cancelled bloody potions for them, they bloody well say they wanna see inside the girls' bogs."

"We're not going to stand down to the oppressors!" chanted Dean.

"What oppressors?" said Ginny.

"What do you mean 'what oppressors?' You know, er, them. Dumbledore and the lot."

"They're oppressors?"

"Yeah. Well that's what Seamus said. He's running this operation."

"Finnigan told 'em that the riot was over yesterday," said Filch.

"Ah! A trick of the oppressors!"

"Dean?" said Harry.

"What?"

"Give up. Can we get in now please, Filch? Snape went in the back way already. He's just taking care of some business, though he didn't tell us what exactly."

Grumpily, Filch let them through. They headed straight for the Great Hall, leaving behind the call of the rebels. It went something like this:

"Hey! Could someone please scratch my nose? Please? Don't leave me like this! No!"

* * * * *

Snape moved expertly through the shadows. Again.

Bloody bugger around with my lessons! thought Snape. I'll teach you something, you dickhead.

What happened next was a complete mystery at Hogwarts for many years. Some say that Snape had learnt a bit of magic from Smith and had transformed Dick into stone, only grind him into little pieces in the fifth floor bathroom. Others say that when Snape got there Dick had already been taken away by la resistance and forced into a small cage where he was forced to eat garbage for the rest of his life. Yet another tale is that he was savaged to death by a hoard of rabid parsnips (some say it was a spelling error). Another still points towards the PW37 .8mm. In actual fact it went something like this:

"Hello Dick!" said Snape evilly, the product of years of practice.

"Oh hello Severed Sniper," he said, actually believing this to be the potion master's real name. "Why did you wake me up like that? You know I always have a nap at this time."

"Rumour has it that potions has had somewhat of a downfall in popularity over the past week. I can only but wonder why this is so."

"Ah, kids today. They don't know a thing about potions."

"And I'm sure that you've been seeking to change that fact with extreme vigilance. Tell me, how many life saving mixtures can you make from porcupine urine?"

Dick hesitated.

"Well, I can't really think of any right now-"

"Capital!" said Snape. "I can't either."

With that he closed the bathroom door and strode away. Dick, still half asleep, wondered what that was all about and sat down on a convenient toilet.

The screams were heard everywhere.

* * * * *

Except for in the Great Hall, where Harry and his colleagues were reunited with their friends, the comfortable stone walls of Hogwarts, and most importantly, twice their body weight in food. Dumbledore had been persuaded to throw a feast, although he couldn't quite remember who had just been vanquished.

He stood up and tapped his glass for silence. He didn't know that the silence was actually caused by Professor McGonagall, who was still waving her PW37 .8mm idly

"I'd like to say a few words," began Dumbledore, "but this time I think I'll say something worthwhile. We are very fortunate to have witnessed the end of, ER who are witnessing the end of, Minerva?"

"Well it isn't Voldemort, I'm fairly certain about that. And it isn't Saddam Hussein "

" one of Hogwarts' greatest enemies. It is with great pleasure that, on the behalf of Professor Snape - where is he anyway? Oh!"

Snape entered the Great Hall, robes billowing. Mind you, his robes tended to billow even when he was standing still without any wind. It was a mystery of life.

" on the behalf of Professor Snape that I award fifty points each to Slytherin and Gryffindor. Also I would like to say that with the return of Professor Snape potions lessons are back on and-"

"Headmaster Dumbledore," interrupted Snape, "I really don't think that is necessary. I think that after the event with Professor Edwards the students deserve a break."

"Oh brilliant," said Hermione, rolling her eyes. "All that bloody reading I did over the past week for nothing."

"And with that," continued Dumbledore, "I'd like to draw my speech to end by reminding you that-"

The doors flung open. Hagrid stepped through.

"Beggin' yer pardon, Professor Dumbledore, but I think yah should know about this," he said. "I was walkin' here and I 'eard a terrible scream-"

The assembled students laughed automatically, believing this to be an incredibly bad joke.

"-comin' from the fifth floor bathroom. So I went ter check an' I found this!"

He held up what looked like Dick Ed's hat.

"An' then I thought: 'we 'aven't been feedin' the porcupines'."

Dumbledore leant down to Professor McGonagall again.

"Are we witnessing the end of Dick?" he whispered.

"Apparently so," she replied.

"We are very fortunate to have witnessed the end of Dick Ed," said Dumbledore, to everyone's agreement, "although I'm sure I'm forgetting something important. Now I'm sure I locked my door and I never leave the gas on and-" he looked up into the faces of his bewildered students. "And with that, I'd like to draw my speech to a close by reminding - could you please stop rattling those chains Mr. Thomas."

"Sorry professor. I've only just got off the gates."

"-by reminding you that - Professor Sprout please be quiet!"

Professor Sprout put down the celery.

"-by reminding you that next week is our last week this year and we expect you all to be at the feast, although I'm quite glad that we managed to get two within a fortnight of each other. And so without further ado I'll leave you to your meals."

Professor Sprout continued on her celery like a starved bunny.

"Well that's that sorted," said Ron. I wonder what Julie's doing right now "

* * * * *

At Smithe Manor

"So he says 'it's not as though we had sex or anything'!" finished the Tree of a Hundred Secrets. "That is my secret!"

"Dear me," said Julie. "That's probably one of the funniest things I've ever heard. You know they thought I was gay."

"You're not?"

"No! Why does everyone always think that, Cecil?"

Cecil the talking tree thought about it and then said: "It's a secret "

* * * * *

" who cares?" said Hermione. "I'm sorry to say it but everything about the past week has been creepy. You're lucky, Ron, that you were an early victim."

"I doubt it."

"Well," said Harry, "we're back now. Has anyone noticed that Neville is more intellectual?"

"Ah!" said Ron. "That would be the remembrance potion he accidentally made. It's still going strong. Don't worry though. By next year he'll have forgotten everything."

They looked at Neville, who was quietly reading the fifty-sixth chapter of Of Wolves and Men and was wearing a fez.

"I hope," added Ron.

"So what have we learnt from this experience?" said Hermione.

"Never sleep in the same room as you," said Harry.

"Never do Snape's dirty work," said Ron.

"Julie's not gay."

"Don't swim on a full stomach."

"Precisely," said Hermione. "And that, as they say, is that."

"Yeah," said Harry, who was always meant to get the last word before the end of the story.

Over the next week and a half Snape made it very clear that he still didn't like any of his students, except of course the Slytherins, who gained another forty points by the end of the year. No-one ever found any more of Dick Ed, although they did find the missing urinal, which travelled through a time warp and ended up in a muggle art gallery in London. When it was uncovered the creator was shocked at the sudden disappearance of his work but came up with a quick excuse and said that it was art. No-one believed him.

Eventually the porcupines went away. Harry stopped drinking finest scotch whisky and moved onto vodka. Neville forgot everything and became his usual self. The student rebellion ended, Hermione lost her virginity and Harry had a headache. In that approximate order.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Until the following Tuesday.

T H E - E N D