The Muppets at Hogwarts

[SCENE: The Hogwarts faculty room. The faculty is gathered about the table.]

DUMBLEDORE: So, now that the new American transfer students have been here for a month, how do you find they're adapting?

[mass groans]

McGONAGALL: I believe the real question is, how are the Hogwarts students adapting?

SNAPE: I would hardly describe the situation as "adaptation." Abject terror, perhaps.

DUMBLEDORE: Come now, is it so bad?

SNAPE: Pigs were meant to be Christmas dinners, not Slytherins!

DUMBLEDORE [smiling]: Ah, yes. I'm sure the Sorting Hat had no trouble placing her; her ambition is obvious.

SNAPE: She pestered Draco Malfoy so much that he finally publicized his sexual preference to discourage her.

[whispers around the table; sound of coins changing hands]

DUMBLEDORE: How odd. I had the distinct impression that she had a young admirer when she arrived here. That quiet green fellow in Gryffindor?

McGONAGALL: He just said she'd get over it and went back to organizing that talent show. And Severus, I do not appreciate your asking my student for his spleen.

SNAPE: Frog spleens are useful in so many potions....

DUMBLEDORE [clearing throat]: Well, Hagrid, I hope you have no complaints.

HAGRID: No, sir; those two students are a great help with the animals.

[dissolve to outside Hagrid's cabin]

BIG BIRD: Say, Mr. Hookrid, I really liked those Blobbleworms!

HAGRID: And next I'm going to show you a Pernicious Fistnipper!

BIG BIRD: Oh, goody! Hey, Sweetums! Mr. Hoggrip's going to show us a Pernicious Fistnipper!

[Sweetums comes around the corner, carrying Fluffy on his back.]

SWEETUMS: Mr. Hagrid, where do you want the Cerberus?

BIG BIRD: Wow, a three-headed dog! You learn about all sorts of animals working for Mr. Hooper! [sudden confused expression]

[dissolve to faculty room]

FLITWICK: And then there's that singularly odd one in Ravenclaw.

DUMBLEDORE: Who, young Mr. Honeydew?

SNAPE [muffled; facepalmed]: Please, don't make me take him in my Potions class again!

FLITWICK: No, the other one.

[chorus of "Oh, him.]

SNAPE: Nooooo....

[dissolve to Potions classroom]

SNAPE: Mr. Gonzo, if you do not desist from flirting with that chicken, I shall have you drink Mr. Longbottom's concoction of yesterday.

GONZO: You mean that red glowing potion that's eating through its container there?

SNAPE: The very same.

GONZO: Oh, why wait for that? I'll drink it now!

SNAPE: One moment, Mr. Gonzo....

[Gonzo has already chugged the potion; there is a flash and puff of smoke, and an eighteen-armed armadillo is revealed.]

ARMADILLO: Thank you, Professor Snape! This is so cool!

[dissolve]

HOOCH: Well, I grant that he's odd, but he's so enthusiastic about Quidditch. If I could just convince him that the goal is NOT to be struck by the Bludgers....

DUMBLEDORE: Flitwick, how are the students doing in Charms?

FLITWICK: Oh, mostly quite well, though one does appear to have some difficulties with precision....

[dissolve to Charms classroom]

THE AMAZING MUMFORD: Professor Flitwick, I'm having a little trouble with one of my spells, and I wondered if you could help me.

FLITWICK: Of course, Mr. Mumford. Could you demonstrate?

MUMFORD: Certainly. A-la-peanut-butter-sandwiches!

[Flitwick's desk explodes]

FLITWICK: I see. And what was that supposed to do?

MUMFORD: Er, make a rabbit appear.

[Flitwick shakes head and sighs]

[Crazy Harry pops up from behind the remains of the desk]

CRAZY HARRY: Crazy Harry plays Exploding Snap!

[another explosion rocks the room]

[dissolve to faculty room]

FLITWICK: That smelly green chap, on the other hand, has perfected the Saccus Contentum spell. You really must see the inside of his rubbish can.

DUMBLEDORE: [grimacing] Perhaps some other time. Now, Minerva, I recall that one student was doing especially well with Transfigurations.

McGONAGALL: Within his limitations, he's highly skilled, but his limitations....

[dissolve to Transfigurations classroom]

COOKIE MONSTER: Transfigure button into...COOKIE! [gobbles] Transfigure leaf into...COOKIE! [gobbles] Transfigure knitting needle into... COOKIE! [gobbles] Transfigurations me favorite class! Transfigure feather into...COOKIE! [gobbles]

[dissolve to faculty room]

DUMBLEDORE: Well, I'm sure he'll do just fine, once Madam Pomfrey has cured his indigestion. Sprout, how are your students?

SPROUT: Oh, they're doing quite well. Except for that one distinctly ursine one....

[dissolve to greenhouse]

FOZZIE: Professor Sprout, I don't understand. I keep telling jokes to the Snickering Ticklers, but they never laugh!

SPROUT: Perhaps if you could give me a sample?

FOZZIE: Okay, let's see, here we go. There was this giant that was so small.... [pauses, expecting "how small was he?", but not receiving the cue, continues] He was so small, people thought he was a half-giant! Wakka-wakka!

SPROUT: I believe I see the problem....

[pan to Statler and Waldorf in lawnchairs by greenhouse]

STATLER: You know what would really be magic?

WALDORF: What?

STATLER: Making his jokes funny!

WALDORF: That wouldn't be magic; that would be a miracle!

[they laugh]

[dissolve to faculty room]

SPROUT: Though I did have an unusual visit from that student with the pigeon familiar.

[dissolve to SPROUT's office]

BERT: Professor Sprout, I just wanted to thank you for accepting us into this school. I haven't gotten so much sleep in YEARS.

[dissolve]

McGONAGALL: And he is in the dormitory, you said?

SPROUT: Shares a room with six fourth-years.

FLITWICK: I believe I understand. His former roommate is that young Ravenclaw who plays the trumpet to get himself to sleep.

DUMBLEDORE: They certainly have a great deal of musical talent among them.

SNAPE [facepalming again]: If you refer to the porcine female, you are gravely mistaken.

FLITWICK: Ah, but you must admit that most of your new Slytherins are quite talented -- those guitar players, and the saxophonist, and the pianist. And that scruffy young drummer, although I must admit I'm not sure why he sorted into Ravenclaw.

PINCE: You hadn't noticed that he's checked out every art book from the library?

SPROUT: Then there's the one with no musical talent whatsoever....

SNAPE [still facepalmed]: The one perpetually followed by that Hufflepuff ape?

SPROUT: I still don't understand why you didn't give Mr. Malfoy detention for that incident....

[dissolve to hallway near classroom]

SAL: Johnny Fiama, coming through! [to Draco, Crabbe and Goyle] Hey, you! Didn't you hear me? Johnny Fiama, coming through! Get out of the way, punks!

[Draco shrugs and casts Tarantallegra on Sal.]

JOHNNY: Come on, Sal, this is no time for dancing; I have an audition to make!

SAL: Sure thing, Johnny! [dances wildly across hall] Johnny Fiama, coming through!

JOHNNY: Hey, slow down, Sal....

[dissolve to faculty room]

SPROUT: Anyway, I meant that nice chap in Hufflepuff; he says he can play whenever he wants because his uncle's on the board of directors.

SNAPE [abruptly looking up]: Is that why we have been subjected to these individuals?

DUMBLEDORE: Now, Severus, many of them are very talented. Why, one of them I expect to become the finest Arithmancer in the Wizarding World!

[dissolve to grand hall]

COUNT: One! One moving staircase! Two! Two moving staircases! Three! Three moving staircases! Haa-ahh-ahh-ahhh! [thunder]

[dissolve to faculty room]

McGONAGALL: Quite talented indeed. Severus, I am shocked that I had to protect one of your students from Mrs. Norris. Where were you when he needed help?

SNAPE: It is enough of a stretch to teach a meat animal; I do not extend the privilege to vermin.

McGONAGALL: Fortunately I was able to assist....

[dissolve to Transfigurations classroom]

RIZZO [starts calm; in standard Rizzo tizzy by end of question]: Professor McGonagall, I am in desperate need of help. Do you know a spell that can get me away from this cat who is chasing me all over the castle?!?!?

McGONAGALL: Hmmm. Normally students are forbidden to learn the Animagus spell, but I have always wondered whether a sentient animal could learn it....

[several hours later]

RIZZO: Here we go, then. I, Rizzo, am about to meet my inner animal self!

[transfigures into man who looks suspiciously like Steve Whitmire]

RIZZO: Cool!

[Or at least, he attempts to say this; what comes out is a high-pitched mousy squeak. Rizzo looks horrified; McGonagall fascinated.]

[dissolve to faculty room]

DUMBLEDORE: Well, I believe that takes care of the transfer students from Henson Academy. Now, let's consider Mr. Barney from ....

FACULTY [in unison]: Avada Kedavra!

SAM THE EAGLE [to audience]: Rest assured, the faculty did not just decide to use a dangerous and highly illegal spell against a purple dinosaur. They were merely engaging in, I must say, a very inappropriate expression of humor. No reputable witch or wizard would ever consider such an act....

[is run over by racing faculty; cries of "I get to cast it!" "No, I do!" "I'm the Death Eater; I shall cast it!" "Oh, give someone else a chance!" echo as they pass.]