Two Fold

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The first time I loved forever
Was when you whispered my name
And I knew at once you loved me
For the me of who I am...


It was late. Everything was quiet, save for the soft crackling of burning wood. Sitting idly, Remus stared at his surroundings, absently making plans and diagrams for the upcoming match against Slytherin.

James, for all the genius that he displayed on the pitch, had asked for his assistance in coming up with a formidable strategy for the said match. Needless to say, he had agreed without hesitation; one look at his friend had told him just how determined he was on winning the cup this year. On some level, the plan was for retribution; James had been banned from playing last year as a punishment for his violent altercation with Lucius Malfoy, thus leading the Slytherins to victory against their team.

But somehow, he could not concentrate. The plans remained a disoriented mess inside his head.

He drummed his fingers on the arms of the chair; again and again, like the beat of some primitive drum or a nervous heart. Again and again and again. He ignored the dull pain on the tip of his fingers, impatience becoming evident on his calm features. Normally, it would only take him a few minutes before an idea would pop into his head. But now, as he racked his mind for some inkling of where to start, he found none.

He tried to think of a plan-

"Moony?"

-And failed miserably.

Remus whirled around, startled from his reverie. Sirius. "Oh." He gave an awkward and somewhat embarrassed smile. "I didn't know you were still around."

Sirius just shrugged, raking long fingers through his black hair. "I could say the same thing to you. What are you doing up?"

"I couldn't sleep."

"I see." He stretched to ease the kinks from his body. "Might as well join you here. What's that?" He nodded at the parchment in front of Remus.

"Quidditch plans."

"Quidditch plans?" Sirius repeated incredulously. "Now? Surely you're joking."

Remus shook his head. "Well, I've got nothing else to do. Counting sheep was getting rather dull, so I thought I could do something else."

"Shouldn't James be doing that instead of you?"

He smiled slightly, feigning innocence. "What? Counting sheep?"

"Don't make me hurt you, Moony."

He raised his palms in mock-surrender. "He asked for a hand. Besides, you know how he is."

Sirius chuckled as well. "He's such a slave driver. Are you sure you're not getting overworked?"

"It's fine. I can handle it, you know."

"I know." There was a teasing smile playing about his lips. "You always can."

An eyebrow slightly rose at the jibe. Had Remus been dirty-minded, he would have surely misinterpreted Sirius' words for something else. Something inappropriate and a bit... off putting. As it was, he chose the voice of reason and squelched the sudden thundering in his chest before it got out of control.

"Look," Sirius spoke again, breaking the stiff silence. "Maybe I could help you on that." He slid into the chair opposite the one Remus was sitting in. After making himself comfortable, he took the parchment filled with diagrams and sketches laid out on the small table.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Oh well," Remus smirked at him. "Just don't blame me if you hurt yourself from thinking."

"Hah. Bloody hah."

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The next few minutes were spent discussing Quidditch strategy, with jokes and random thoughts from time to time. Eventually, they gave up on planning and resorted to discussing things about themselves- ranging from trivial to much more important issues. Both of them basked in the warmth and the company each had to offer, mindless of the swiftly passing time.

"-And Peter?" Sirius asked, resting his chin on the heel of his palm.

"Writing his essay for Potions."

"Pfft," Sirius snorted in distaste. "What's Wormtail up to? Trying to give Snape a run for his money?"

"At least he's doing something productive."

"Productive," Sirius mused, "I can do something productive too."

Remus nodded sagely. "Sure you can." 'I don't believe you even for a bloody minute' was clearly intoned.

"Funny, Moony, very funny," Sirius muttered indignantly. He rose from his seat and placed the back of his hand on Remus' forehead. "You seem to be in a very Slytherin mood tonight. Did you eat anything peculiar at dinner?"

Remus laughed.

"Anyways," Sirius continued, "Just so that you know, I charmed someone's quill yesterday."

Remus stopped laughing. That certainly caught his attention. "Someone?"

"Yeah."

"And who, pray tell, is this someone?"

"Snape."

He could feel the beginnings of hysterical laughter. "Oh no." He wasn't going to laugh; he wasn't going to laugh...

There was a mischievous smirk tugging at the corner of Sirius' lips. "Oh yes."

That did it. Remus broke into gales of laughter.

"You..." Remus shook his head, still laughing. He knew just what charm Sirius had placed on the quill as he had had the most unpleasant experience of trying it out firsthand. Instead of writing normal words, the jinxed quill would draw stick figures in blatant sexual positions. "You're impossible."

"You should have seen the look on his face!" Sirius managed between chuckles. "He looked like he was about to cry!"

Snape? Crying? For some odd reason, he couldn't picture Snape as the weepy type. He was probably seething and about to tear his own hair from his scalp in anger. Nonetheless, the mental image of Snape trying to tear his hair out in vain because of its greasiness struck him as something immensely funny.

"Still," Remus said, "that doesn't count as something productive."

"We're Marauders, Moony; it does count."

Everything was perfect. Laughing and enjoying his friend's company was enough to make him forget all his troubles; enough to lower his defenses and be himself for even just a little while.

He wasn't supposed to do that.

But he did.

And it felt great.

No one would ever think that he would ever fall for anyone, that he would feel like this for anyone. No one would ever think that it would be Sirius; let alone another guy, let alone a close and very loyal friend.

He wasn't supposed to feel this way. He didn't want to add another notch that would make him different from the others.

But he fell. And he didn't even know it until it was rather too late.

Never in his life did he imagined that it would be like this, so his feelings struck him with more force than ever.

Sirius was very different. He had this straightforwardness and determination that was simply... him. Sirius was everything he wasn't and all he had ever dreamed of being. It disturbed him that he had no problems in expressing his feelings openly. While Remus could simply smile and feign that he was okay, his friend didn't have any qualms about saying what was on his mind.

Sirius amazed him.

He made him realize a lot of things.

He made him see what was missing in his life all along.

And it was frustrating. Being obtuse was much better than being certain of his feelings, especially if he couldn't do anything about them. He could only hide in the guise of friendship, with frantic hopes that maybe, just maybe, the feelings would finally fade.

Remus realized he had been staring at him for a long time as the latter squirmed in self-consciousness.

"Yes?" Sirius asked.

He would probably hate him if he said: 'I like you.'

He would probably beat the daylights out of him if he blurted out: 'I want you.'

"Nothing," Remus smiled. "Nothing."

Minutes passed. No words were exchanged and silence, save for their own breathing, filled the room.

"Hey," Sirius began suddenly. "I was wondering if you could help me on our project for Astronomy."

Remus frowned at him. "Astronomy? Wasn't the project due last week?"

Sirius yawned, not even bothering to cover his mouth.

"You see..." A sheepish grin. "I was busy. Yeah, that's it, I was busy."

"Sirius..."

"Oh come on, Moony," Sirius hedged before he yawned again. "You know I can't do Astronomy and shit like that. I’m horrible at it."

"You could at least try," he supplied helpfully.

"I tried." A yawn. "And I still couldn't figure out the difference between Venus and Mars. Believe me, I tried."

"Well, maybe I could give you a hand..."

Sirius eased himself into a more comfortable position, stretching his legs out to full length. He crossed his arms on his chest and slowly began to close his eyes.

"Thanks," he mumbled sleepily, "You're the best, Remus."

His breathing evened and slowed.

Remus crouched down beside him and patted him awkwardly on the shoulder.

"Sirius," he whispered, "You shouldn't sleep here. Let's go back to the dormitory."

"Just a bit," came the mumbled reply. "I like it here."

Remus gave him one last tap on the shoulder before settling back into his seat.

To be honest, he was scared of touching him.

To be even more honest, he was petrified.

He couldn't trust himself, especially in times like this.

The soft glow from the fire bathed Sirius' dark hair and tanned complexion. The fine line of his brow scrunched up as though he was thinking of something, even in his sleep. His lips would quirk from time to time as though he was having a pleasant dream.

One look at his friend's relaxed features, and Remus couldn't help but ask himself: Why do I subject myself to such torture?

It was wrong; he knew that he was pining for someone he couldn't possibly have. To try and make things go further would entail great risks. And this time, he was not only risking his dignity and pride but his friendship with Sirius as well. He didn't want to face the dreaded rejection that was sure to come the moment he dared to cross the line between friends and lovers.

Yet he wanted...

He wanted...

He wanted to stop.

And he was back from where he started, building walls around himself, denying his emotions and pretending they don't exist. This time around, all he'd gained was an extra burden, an extra worry to trouble him with his life.

He only hoped he could keep going with the act for a long time.

"Sleep well, my friend," Remus murmured as he closed his eyes.

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The next night, Remus found himself standing on the cold stone floor of the Astronomy Tower. He ignored the harsh bite of the wind, eyes still fixated on the figure a few feet away from him.

From his vantage point, he could see Sirius sitting on a patch of small cloth, his face turned toward the sky. His hair billowed under the night breeze, the strands following whatever direction the wind called.

He took a step forward.

"Who is it?" Sirius asked, finally noticing his presence.

"Me."

"How did you know I'd be here?"

"I followed you."

He was taken aback by the honesty in his statement. He hoped that Sirius wouldn't feel offended by his intrusion...

Sirius chuckled in amusement. "Never pegged you as the stalker type, Moony. Come here," he patted the space beside him. "Join the party."

He took the proffered space, making sure to keep a safe distance between them. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking at myself." Sirius turned his head toward the sky once more.

"Looking at you?" Remus scrunched his brows in confusion.

Sirius' eyes seem to be even more brilliant in the shadowy light, and he could see the awe in them as he scanned the heavens.

"That one," Sirius pointed out a particular bright spot in the velvet expanse of the night, "is Sirius."

Remus looked up as well, marveling at the lights in the sky, spread like little diamonds on dark cloth. "And I thought you were horrible at Astronomy..." he teased, eyes still tracing the stars that formed the Canis Major constellation.

"That's the only one I know."

Remus chuckled. "I promised I'd help you study. Don't fret."

"I'm not fretting; I'm only telling the truth."

They stayed silent, the comfortable atmosphere pressing in on them with every minute that dragged by.

"Remus." He was a bit surprised when Sirius spoke.

"Yes?"

"What do you do when you're sad?"

He would have teased him for the simplicity of the question, for its pointlessness, but the earnest expression on Sirius’ face burned the words into nothingness before he spoke them. He was left only to tell the truth.

He had been lying to him for far too long. And Sirius deserved nothing but the truth.

"I smile."

Sirius looked bewildered at his answer for a moment, but wisely chose not to argue.

And Remus looked at him, really looked at him as though seeing him for the very first time, and knew that he cared for him more than anything else in his dreary world, more than he should have ever felt for anyone, for all eternity and the day after.

He still wanted to hold him, wanted to shout how much Sirius meant to him.

Remus shook his head as though to banish his painful thoughts and looked at the stars.

He smiled.

"I like you, my friend."

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