Silent All These Years

Silent All These Years

By fbline

I think it all started the year before I started Hogwarts. I had gone to the station with the others to see everyone off. You looked so lost, so alone. Mom had to tell you how to get through the barrier at Platform Nine and Three-quarters. It was Fred and George that told us who you were. I remember mom telling them all not to bother you. I wanted to come on the train and see you, but she didn't let me. Ron wrote and said that he'd made friends with you. He mentioned Hermione too, but I didn't pay attention to anything else. I just wanted to hear about you.

At the end of that year, Ron told us all about the three of you saving the Sorcerers Stone from Voldemort. Mom was in tears, she was so relieved that Ron was ok. I was happy too, happy that you were ok. Hermione was there too, like always. I remember Ron didn't like her originally, but I guess after the two of you saved her from that troll at Halloween you all became friends. Now you were all heroes. I couldn't wait until the next year. I would be able to see you, to spend time with you. It was all I thought about.

Excuse me but can I be you for awhile

my dog won't bite if you sit real still

I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again

yeah I can hear that

And then I had my chance. I didn't know you were coming to the Burrow before school started. Rom had been asking mom about it, but she had told him the plan was to come get you just before the start of term. Leave it to Fred, George, and Ron to take the matter onto them selves. Mom was so mad at them! But then she saw you and calmed down. I remember coming downstairs that morning and seeing you. I couldn't believe you were here, in my kitchen. I was stunned. My heartbeat was the only thing I could hear. I couldn't even look at you. My mind was blank. I acted just like a stupid girl, knocking things over and stuttering. I wanted to act so cool when I was around you, and instead I acted like a love-struck little girl. All I wanted was for you to notice me.

Well, I guess I did get you to notice me. Acting like and idiot around you all year, and sending you that poem on Valentine's Day. I just kept putting my foot in it. And then Voldemort started taking possession of me. I had written about you so much in that diary. I told him how I felt about you, how I was jealous of everyone that spent time with you. I was the one who told him that Hermione was a muggle-born. I told him about the others too. I didn't know he would go after her. I was just upset because you spent so much time her. I was even jealous of Ron. I wanted to be part of the group around you. He used all of these insecurities against me, then I did all of those horrible things, and then you had to come save me. You told me it was all over, that everything was going to be all right. I should have told you how I felt then, but I was still so confused. I just wanted to get out of there. You had risked your life to save me. How could I not love you?

been saved again by the garbage truck

I got something to say you know but

nothing comes

yes I know what you think of me you never shut up

yeah I can hear that

That summer you left your aunt and uncle's and stayed at the Leaky Cauldron. Mom and dad were so worried when they heard you were missing. I guess they thought that Sirius might get to you. Then we found out that you were safe. I was as relieved as they were. I thought that I had lost my chance to tell you how I felt. Mom and dad looked at you as one of their own, and Ron mentioned you being like a brother too. But my feelings toward you were deeper. I counted the days until we would meet you in Diagon Alley. I had to see you again. I was now a year older and even more determined to get you to notice me.

I guess I did get a little braver that year. If it wasn't for all that business with Sirius I might have been able to finally tell you how I felt. There at Christmas when you got your firebolt and you and Ron weren't speaking to Hermione, I thought I saw my chance. I was able to talk to you now. I kept trying to get my courage up. But then the three of you made up, and I was shunted to the side again. Sirius turned out to be innocent, Scabbers turned out to be a murderer, Professor Lupin was a werewolf, and you drove off a hundred Dementors all by yourself. Once again, you were the hero. And once again all I could do is swallow my feelings.

but what if I'm a mermaid

in these jeans of his with her name still on it

hey but I don't care cause sometimes

I said sometimes

I hear my voice and it's been here

silent all these years

It was my third year before I could really talk to you. You went with us to the Quidditch world cup match, and we were all together. You never knew it, but Hermione and I talked about you and Ron in our tent. She was interested in Ron back then, and she knew how I felt about you, hell, everyone did. I might have tried saying something to you then, but then the Death Eaters appeared and everything went crazy. By the time things calmed down we were back in school, and I was shunted aside again. Then they told us about the Triwizard tournament. I fantasized about you winning it all, with me at your side. I never dreamed your name would actually come out of the goblet. For a while I wondered if Voldemort had possessed me again, and that I had put your name in. I was so worried about you. And then Ron got mad at you and thought you had put your own name in. I told him he was being stupid, but he wouldn't listen. That meant it was just you and Hermione together. I think that's when she must have started having feelings for you. I felt betrayed by her. She knew how I felt about you, and she had told me to go for it. She said you and she were just friends, and I believed her. She was so mad when neither of you asked her to the Yule Ball. And then when you asked Cho, she must have snapped. I heard her talking to Krum. She told you and Ron that he had asked her to go, but that was a lie. She wanted to make you jealous, and instead you were more interested in finding a date for yourself and Ron. Her plan didn't work so well after all. I felt better after that. I had agreed to go with Neville so I could keep an eye on you. Parvati was very pretty. I didn't trust her with you. I needn't have worried; she said you completely ignored her. That made me even happier. I decided to tell you everything after the tournament was over. We would be together soon.

We both know what happened after that. When you appeared out of the maze holding Cedric and the cup, everything went crazy again. You were whisked away, and we were told to leave you alone. I wanted to run to you, grab you in my arms and never let you go. I had almost lost you four times now. If I didn't get around to telling you how I felt soon, I may never get the chance.

so you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts

what's so amazing about really deep thoughts?

boy you best pray that I bleed real soon

how's that thought for you?

my scream got lost in a paper cup

you think there's a heaven where some

screams have gone

I got 25 bucks and a cracker

do you think it's enough?

to get us there

You acted so differently that next year. From the time you joined us at Grimmauld Place you were on edge. I know you were just upset about not knowing what had been going on, but you just seemed so angry with everyone. On the plus side, I finally felt like part of the group. We used to talk to one another all the time. Other boys started asking me out, and I enjoyed the attention they gave me. I told myself that I just had a crush on you because of all the heroic things you had done. Other girls felt the same way too. There were some though who thought you was lying about what happened last year. You seemed so vulnerable. I started falling for you again. I started to resent Hermione again too. I was right back where I had been a year earlier.

In all my anger toward Hermione, I had forgotten about Cho. I guess I thought you had put her behind you after the previous year. I told myself you were over her now. I was wrong. She wasn't the only one who had held back after our DA meeting right before Christmas. I hung around to see if you wanted to go down to the kitchens and knick some butterbeers, and then I saw you two. It seemed like time was going in slow motion. She was crying, you were comforting her, and then it happened. She kissed you. I know you hadn't expected it. She had wanted to for months. I had heard her talking to her friend Marietta about it. And she got her chance. I remember running back to my dorm and crying myself to sleep. I couldn't blame Cho. She had taken her chance, I hadn't. I had lost you now for the fifth time. How could things get any worse? What would I do now?

years go by will I still be waiting

for somebody else to understand

years go by if I'm stripped of my beauty

and the orange clouds

raining in my head

years go by will I choke on my tears till finally there is nothing left

one more casualty you know

we're too easy easy easy

I was so relieved when you told us on the train after fourth year that there wasn't anything between you and Cho, but I was still hurt. I told Ron I was dating Dean Thomas to see if I could get you to rise. Hermione had tried it with you before, but I thought I'd give it another shot. I realized it had worked when you came to stay with us later that summer. You asked how things were going with Dean and me, and I told you that we had broken up. You seemed glad. We spent more and more time together. Sure, Ron and Hermione were with us, but I felt like we were both couples now; you and I, Ron and Hermione. I think Ron thought that way too. He kept asking me to go with you places, kept trying to get Hermione alone with him. I was so happy. We talked together all the through the summer. You started to open up to me, told me your hopes and fears as, as I told you mine. We were so comfortable together. We'd walk along Hogsmead together, just talking and laughing. It was while we were sitting under that big beech tree that I finally told you I loved you. You had already known that. You told me why you were afraid to get close to anyone, afraid that you would put their life in danger. I told you I didn't care about any of that; I would do anything for you. It took some convincing, but you finally admitted that you loved me too. I remember our first kiss. It was different than the one Cho gave you, this time you kissed back. I was the happiest I had ever been, and would ever be in my life. I had you at last.

Keeping our relationship a secret only made things more exciting. I wasn't sure how Ron would react to us either. I knew he had been anxious to get us together before, but the idea and the reality are very different things. You encouraged him to take the plunge with Hermione. He had told you how he felt about her. I told you I already knew. Secrets were hard to keep at the Burrow. Mom even knew. So, he did. I thought about how perfect it would be; you and I together, Ron and Hermione together, perfect. When the Dementors attacked in fifth year, the four of us had made a great team. The future looked like it would be what I had always wanted it to be. How could I have been so stupid? It was the last day of term. You and I encouraged Ron to so something about Hermione. Now was his chance. He asked her in the compartment we were all sharing. All three of us were so sure that she would be thrilled. We never imagined that she'd say no, that she couldn't. She said she had feelings for someone else and ran down the aisle of the train, not coming back. The two of you were stunned. I was afraid. You didn't know who she meant, but I did. I had always known. You were mine though, and she wasn't going to have you, not now, not ever. You loved me. You had shown me how much you loved me. I had won, not her. Not her.

well I love the way we communicate

your eyes focus on my funny lip shape

let's hear what you think of me now

but baby don't look up

the sky is falling

I worried about us all that summer. I knew you had to stay at your aunt and uncle's for awhile, but I couldn't bear thinking of you being away from me. I sent you owl after owl, telling you how much I loved you. You sent them all back saying the same thing. You said you hadn't heard anything from Hermione, and that you were worried about her. I wasn't. I was glad. Ron spent the summer locked in his room. He didn't blame you, since he didn't know what I knew, so he blamed Hermione. Maybe he still thought she was in love with Viktor, I don't know. He didn't cheer up until you came to stay with us. Mom wanted to invite Hermione also, but Ron told her she was abroad all summer. I didn't care about any of that. You were with me again where you belonged. I remember us sneaking off at night and lying under the stars together. I remember our first time together that way. We were both probably really bad, but it felt wonderful. I wanted you with me all the time. Maybe that's what drove you away from me. You couldn't help that I had been in love with you for seven years, or that I had never wanted anyone else but you. For you, our love making was about passion, about our love for one another. For me, it was about possession. I had won. You were mine. I was going to be the one to live happily ever after.

I guess it all started to unravel the moment we stepped foot back at Hogwarts. Ron was continuing to ignore Hermione, and she looked to you for help. She knew how noble you were, how you would do anything to help the people you cared about. I couldn't have you all to myself anymore. I went from being resentful towards Hermione to hating her. I knew what she was doing all along. She was trying to steal you away from me. She knew we were dating, I had told her. She pretended to be happy for us, but I saw the tears in her eyes. They were the same tears I had every time you had been with Cho four years ago. You were so naïve, you never saw it coming. I tried drawing you closer to me, and ended up pushing you further away.

It seemed like it all happened in an instant, but I know it had been building up for months. You started spending more and more time with Hermione. You told me I was being paranoid, that I didn't trust you enough, and maybe you were right. I talked to Hermione about you. I told her to leave you alone, told her that you were mine and she couldn't have you. She must have run straight to tell you what I'd said. You told me you didn't know me anymore, and that I'd changed. Hermione had gotten what she'd wanted all along. You told me I was being stupid, and that you were only helping her, as a friend. I realized that everything was slipping away from me, and I begged you to stay with me. I told you how much I loved you, how I would do anything for you, but you said you couldn't stay with someone who didn't trust you. Then I got angry. I said I'd tell Hermione about us, tell her how many times we'd had sex, and how there was nothing she could do with you that I hadn't already done. That's when I knew it was over. You didn't say anything. You just walked out of my life, forever.

Now I see that the two of you are engaged. Ron and I have been drinking since the Daily Prophet arrived this morning. He hasn't dated anyone since graduation either. We keep saying that we're going to leave the Burrow and make a new life for ourselves, but we never have. You actually sent us invitations. Ron says we should go, to show that we've moved on. I can't even bear to think about it. I should be the one you're marrying, not her. Ron's staring out the window now. I think he doesn't want his little sister to see him cry. He doesn't realize that I am too.

your mother shows up in a nasty dress

it's your turn now to stand

where I stand

everybody lookin' at you

here take hold of my hand

yeah I can hear them

but what if I'm a mermaid

in these jeans of his with her name still on it

hey but I don't care cause

sometimes

I said sometimes

I hear my voice and it's been here

silent all these years