Have Fun!

Have Fun!

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"Large fire whiskey?"

"Mine."

"Guinness?"

"Cheers."

"Flitwick frappe with three cherries?"

"Right here!"

Harry and Ron both had to bite their lips to avoid laughing. Neville never could handle his liquor, but it didn't help the fact that the drink in front of him now looked like something that you'd get at that fern bar that Percy hung out in. After they had all raised their glasses in a toast, Neville had some trouble keeping his whipped cream from sloshing over the rim; they set about discussing what their wives had gotten them all into. Ron took a sip from his fire whiskey to settle his nerves and then focused his attention on his oldest and closest friend.

"Harry, I want to thank you for going along with this. I knew you'd feel weird about it at first, but I'm glad Luna was able to talk you into it. I was pretty weirded out about it at first myself, to tell you the truth. I thought Hermione had lost her mind. Then I thought that this was her way of telling me that she was leaving me for you. But, after a huge row, we talked about it rationally, and she made me see sense. It's just weird, you know? My best friend tossing my wife. It all seems so...sordid."

Harry licked the dark foam from his lips and laughed. Sordid just about covers it, he thought.

"How do you think I feel? This is the same girl that we both had our first wet dreams about! We couldn't look her in the eye for a week afterwards, remember? This is going to be even worse. It's almost like incest, isn't it? It would almost be like you and Ginny going at it."

"Yeah, doing Ginny would be gross," Neville said.

"He meant it would be horrible for me because she's my actual sister, numb nut. You don't even deserve to be in the same room as Ginny, Neville. Anyway, she's not your sister, Harry. In fact, if I remember correctly, we were both vying for her affection back in seventh year. That's one of the few times I came out on top," Ron said grinning.

"A shame that was the last time you were on top of something," Harry said icily.

"Here now," Neville said in an attempt to calm them both down. "Let's not forget what we're here for. Harry plants his seed in Hermione, and then a life will bloom."

"Plant a seed?" Harry snorted. "Neville, you need to get out of the Ministry greenhouses more often. You're right, though. This is strictly me doing a favor for my best friends. We're all adults here, there's no need to make it any more than it is. I'm sure it will be a lot less awkward after tonight. I'm not sure on how many times Hermione plans on doing this. She said she's got a whole chart of her most fertile days. Hardly a surprise that Hermione would be so prepared, I guess. That's always been like her."

Ron laughed.

"No kidding. I used the wrong day's towels one time and you would have thought that Voldemort himself had shat in our bog, or something. I slept on the couch for three days after that one. Anyway, if there was any other way around this I'd never ask you to do this, Harry. There just isn't any, and I'd never trust anyone else with this. It means a lot to me, to the both of us."

"I'm still not totally clear about what happened to you, Ron. Are you sure you can't father any children? I mean, there's no lead in the pencil? Hermione naked doesn't raise the flag at all? Not even a little, 'dee dee dee dee dee'? Nothing?" Harry asked.

Ron sighed.

"Nope, nothing. All my swimmers left the pool when I got hit with that curse. Apart from having a slash, my lad is purely ornamental. Hermione is really understanding about it, though. She says that she loves me, and that it's no big deal. Mind you, she does take a really long hot bath every night, and she does keep her fingernails really short. Maybe it's just me being paranoid. Anyway, you're really fortunate to have Luna, Harry. From what Hermione told me, you guys have a very healthy physical relationship. I still can hardly believe that the two of you got together. I always thought you and Ginny would pair up."

"So did I," Neville said.

Harry grinned and took another swig of fine Irish stout.

"Ginny is a great gal, and I'm glad that she ended up with you, Neville. She needs someone to help stabilize her life when she gets all wound up, and I am definitely not that person. That's what I have with Luna. She's absolutely the perfect girl for me. I never paid attention to the fact that she was in Ravenclaw while we were in school, but she's really very intelligent. She has a really soothing quality that I love, too. I mean, the whole flat could be on fire, and she'd just casually make her way out. The only time she ever gets worked up is when we're making love, and then she really lets it all out. Even after being married for as long as we have, we're still in the phase where we have to have it all the time. I think I'm in as good a condition now as when I was on the house team at school."

"I know exactly what you mean," Neville said as he munched one of his cherries. "For the first month after Ginny and I got married, we would have sex on Saturday and Sunday! Can you believe that? Both days! It took me the rest of the week to recover after that. I never even had asthma until we got married. Then, once the twins arrived, things settled down. That's cool, though. I love my little red lights."

Ron and Harry both looked at him, wonderingly.

"Uh, Neville, why do you call them 'red lights'?" Ron asked.

"Because, Ginny told me that there was no more green light. She says two is plenty. She often says she doesn't know how your mum managed. I told her that she must have really liked having sex with your dad, but that didn't seem to help at all. I didn't get any for a month after that one. We're back on schedule now, though. Every Friday night after Coronation Street."

Harry nearly spat his mouthful of Guinness across the table.

"Once a week? You must be bloody joking! Luna and I don't let a day go by without being together. In fact, just last night we went at it for eight hours. You could have hatched a dragon it was so hot!"

Neville's jaw dropped.

"Eight hours! What the hell did you do for eight hours? It takes you that long to orgasm? You should go to a Healer, Harry. They have potions for that sort of thing."

Harry shook his head.

"Neville, in eight hours you can reach orgasm several times. Sometimes Luna has more of them than I do."

Neville's face now resembled the look that Dudley had on his when McDonald's said they were going to try to make their menu healthier. It was a mixture of shock and stunned disappointment.

"Women can have them as well? Since when? Would it make a bloke pregnant when they did? How many minutes does it take? Longer than ten? I should be safe then. Do we have to be facing each other for it to happen? Sometimes Ginny likes to ..."

"Hey! Do you two mind? I'm only on my first fire whiskey here!" Ron yelled his face a brilliant shade of red.

"What's wrong with you?" Harry asked.

"What's wrong with me? Are you two out of your minds? All I wanted to do here was make sure you knew that I was cool with you and Hermione having it off, and all of a sudden I'm on a late night chat show! I'll need to Obliviate myself after this. Between Neville giving me the mental image of my parents going at it, and you giving me the image of you and Luna going at it, I mean, Jesus H. Christ! Eight hours? You should have numbers on your backs and people handing you cups of water for fuck sake! And then Neville decides to tell us that he drives the chariot with my baby sister? Gee, I don't know, I must be overly sensitive today. I mean, between you and 'Never Virile' Neville here, I kind of envy Lockhart at the moment. A clean slate may just be the right way to go."

Harry and Neville both hung their heads. They hadn't even considered Ron's feelings.

"We're sorry, Ron," Harry said. "We didn't mean to be crude, or anything. Look, why don't we get out of here? The girls will be looking for us."

Ron drained the last of his fire whiskey in one gulp. The burn of the liquid fire down his throat helped dissolve the anger that had been rising there.

"Right, let's go. Harry, you go first. Hermione will be at your place by now. Luna should be on her way to mine. She told me she's bringing some board game called Diagon-opoly. I've had my chess board set up since last night. I had to replace some of the pieces. A few of them had died from lack of use. Neville, you go home and tell Ginny that it's all systems go."

"Ok, Ron," Harry said as he climbed into the fireplace to floo home. "I'll talk to you both later. Not about this, of course. I mean talk in general; I mean...well, you get the idea. Anyway, I'll see you later."

"See you, Harry," Ron said.

"Have fun!" Neville said.

As the green flames rose up around Harry, the last sound that he could hear was a single word from Neville. He imagined that he could easily guess the look on Ron's face at that exact moment when he heard it.

"What?"