Sapient Stars

Or the last thing I see

Of course, it who he was afraid it would be. Harry.

"Whoa. Don't shoot, Draco," Harry said.

"Shoot?" Draco said confused.

"Muggle expression, never mind. What are you doing up here?"

"Nothing. . . . How did you find me?" Draco asked lowering his wand, and trying to change the subject. He didn't want Harry to be here for this, and hoped he would leave shortly.

"How do I always find you?"

"You followed me?"

"Yep. Sorry, but your mum said you were acting weird today. Said you wouldn't talk to anyone, so I thought I'd see where you were going," Harry finished, and went to sit by the edge of the roof.

Draco let out a frustrated sigh and sat down next to him. Harry and Draco had often talked about Ginny, and he knew most of what Draco felt. He didn't, however, mention to him what he planned to do tonight.

"So, how are you?" Harry asked. It had been exactly one year since Ginny died, and he knew that Draco was upset.

"Oh, just great. Couldn't be better," he replied in his usual drawling sarcasm.

"Really? You don't look too great."

"Yeah? Well who asked you, Potter?" Draco said, getting annoyed.

"Potter? You haven't called me that in a while. Now I know something's wrong. Why don't you just tell me what it is, then we can get off this bloody freezing roof, and go over to the Burrow. They're having a party of sorts. Molly thought it would be a good way to celebrate Ginny's life."

"Like I said before, nothing's wrong, and I don't think I'm going to the Burrow tonight. I just want to stay here a while."

"And do what? Sit around feeling sorry for yourself? Moping isn't going to bring her back."
"I KNOW THAT!" Draco was so angry, but he knew Harry always told him like it was and didn't try to spare his feelings. Most of the time Draco appreciated it, but this time he had gone too far.

"I know that nothing is going to bring her back, okay? I just . . . miss her is all. I wanted to come here because she loved this place so much, and I can still sort of . . . feel her here," he said as he got up and paced around the roof.

"I'm sorry, Draco. I didn't want to anger you. I only followed you because I didn't want you to be alone tonight. And," Harry paused, "I didn't really want to be alone tonight either."

"You? Alone? What are you talking about?" Draco said as he sat back down.

"Well, it's just that everyone has someone. Ron has Hermione, Fred has Angelina, you have your grief -" Harry started, but was cut off.

"My grief?"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to say it like that. I just meant that you're still in love with Ginny, and she still loves you. I know that she's not with us anymore, but I know she still loves you."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right."

"Of course I'm right. Always am," Harry added with a smirk.

It seemed that once someone got to know Draco, he rubbed off on them. His smirk, his sarcasm, his scathing wit, had all passed to Harry.

"Well, shouldn't you be going to the Burrow? It's getting late," Draco said.

"You coming?"

"No, I don't think I can see them . . . tonight anyway."

"Draco, I'm not leaving without you. So, we can either sit here all night freezing our arses off, or go to where it's warm and where people will be happy to see us. You pick," Harry said and Draco knew he wasn't going to get rid of him.

"Freezing our arses off it is then," Draco said, and decided to wait him out. Harry had to leave sometime.

You are
Never coming home

Draco woke with a pounding headache. He sat up on his elbows and saw Harry sleeping on the chair next to a dwindling fireplace. Then he remembered what had happened the day before. Ginny had died. He moaned at this thought and covered his face with a pillow, thinking seriously about suffocating himself. He heard Harry stir in his chair, and Draco pretended to be asleep.

"Draco, you awake?"

"No."

"Hm. Well, Mrs. Weasley told me last night that she would like to see you today. So would the rest of the family for that matter."

"No."

"No? Why?"

"I'm not leaving this room ever again. What's the point?" Draco started as he abruptly sat up in bed. "I mean, what's the point of caring about anyone at all. All that happens is you get attached to them and then they die, leaving you . . ." he stopped and sighed.

"Trust me, I know it's hard losing people that you love, but it happens, and you just have to try to get through it. No, it doesn't ever stop hurting, but it does get easier."

"Easier? This could never get easier! She's gone! My whole life is gone! How can I live without her?"

"It's going to be rough, Draco, very rough. But her family will be there for you, and . . . so will I. That is, if you ever want to talk or anything," Harry said and looked at the floor.

Draco didn't know what to say. He knew saying that must have been difficult for Harry, and he didn't have the strength, or the will, to make fun of him for it.

"Thanks, Potter. Tell Mrs. Weasley that I'll be down in a little while. I just need to. . . ."

"Have a good cry?" Harry said sportively, trying to cheer him up.

At least he hasn't lost his biting sense of humor, Draco thought.

"Yeah, something like that. Now get out, Potter. Or did you want to watch me change?"

"Consider me gone," Harry said with a laugh, and quickly left the room.

Never coming home

After Draco had lost count for the second time while trying to count the stars in the sky, Harry finally decided to speak.
"How long were you planning on staying up here?" Harry asked. Draco saw that he was starting to shiver, and hoped his resolve was weakening.

"A while. You're not cold, are you?"

"Uh, yeah, it's freezing up here. Aren't you cold?"

"Yeah, but it doesn't bother me. Makes me feel . . . alert. Really, Harry, you can go if you want. I'll be fine."

"No, it's all right. I'll wait for you. Unless you planned to spend the whole night up here," Harry said sarcastically.

"Actually, I really don't know when I'm going to leave. Look at you. You're shaking. Go home, Harry. I'm okay, I promise," Draco said as he closed his eyes and wished that his persistent friend would recede. Of course, that is one thing Harry Potter would never do.

"You promise?"

"Yes."

Harry paused, and looked like he was fighting a battle in his head, then went on in an emotionless tone. "Promise on Ginny's grave."

Why did he have to say that? Draco thought. That was the only thing that he wouldn't do, especially since he was lying.

"Damn you, Harry! Why can't you just leave? Can't you take a hint when you see one? Of course not. You have to be your nosey, bloody caring self, like always!" Draco screamed as he got up and started pacing the roof again.

Harry stood up to face Draco, and grabbed him by his shoulders to stop him from moving. "Draco, what is this all about?" Harry asked.

Could I? Should I?

"I just want to end it all, to be with her again." Draco said as he fell back against a wall.

"You were going to . . . jump?" Harry said incredulously.

"Yeah."

"Merlin, if Ginny could see you now she would be so disappointed."

"I know, but I can't take it anymore! A whole year I've been without her! A whole year I've been in agony!"

"Why didn't you tell me this?"

Draco paused and took a deep breath, trying to steady himself, "Because, I didn't want to seem weak."

Harry walked over to Draco, and put a hand on his shoulder, "Draco, we all know how much you and Ginny loved each other, and no one would have thought you were weak for grieving for your wife," he said earnestly.

"There's more to it than that, Harry," Draco said with his head down.

"What do you mean?"

"Ginny told me something just before she died that I haven't told anyone."

"What? And why haven't you told anyone?"

"Because . . . it would only have made things worse," Draco said as he went and sat back down atop the abbey's roof.

And all the things that you never ever told me

Draco hadn't told anyone about what he was going to tell Harry. He knew it would only make things harder. It was already unbearable for him to know.

"Things are over now, so what's the point of keeping it a secret anymore? Tell me," Harry said as he continued to stand behind Draco.

"Just before Ginny died . . . she told me -" Draco stopped. He couldn't say it; it was too hard. Harry seemed to sense this and went to sit next to him.

"It's okay, Draco. You don't have to tell me if you can't. Though, I would like to know."

Draco took a deep breath, and decided to go on, "She told me that she was pregnant. She said that she had found out the day of the battle, and that she didn't have a chance to tell me. I just couldn't have told anyone. My mum and Molly would have been so sad, even more so than they already were. Since my father's in Azkaban I'm my mum's only chance for grandchildren. I mean, she knows there won't be any now, but to tell her that there could have been . . . would be so much worse," Draco said as he looked back up at the stars.

Recently, he had felt like they were taunting him. They were glistening so much lately, and were brighter than he remembered. It was like they were trying to provoke him into doing something he would regret. He wanted to pick them from the sky and crush them between his fingers to make sure they held no more power over him. He knew this was only his mind playing tricks on him though.

Stars don't provoke people, and they don't hold power over anyone. They're just there for us to look at, for us to wish on, for us to hold our hope with. Nothing more than that, Draco thought sourly.

Draco hated that he had lost his childish fascination with the stars, but he could never look at them the same again. He then lowered his head and looked over at Harry.

"Why doesn't your mum remarry?"

"Because she loves my father. She knows the things he's done and the things he would do if he wasn't in Azkaban, but she hopes that the man she fell in love with is still there. It's sad, really. She's obviously delusional. That man will never be the man she loves again."

"That is sad. Poor Narcissa. Draco, I'm so sorry. I always understood why you seemed so miserable, but this . . . this does make everything worse."

"I know. No one else can know about this, Harry. It would be too difficult on everyone."

"I won't tell anyone. I just wish you had told me sooner. You've told me things that the others don't know before, right?"

"Yeah."

"So why not this?"

"I just - I don't know. I've been battling with it myself for the last year. I suppose that I didn't think to tell anyone. If I did, it probably would have been you."

"Oh, probably? That's nice, Malfoy."

"Malfoy? Ow, that hurt," Draco said as he acted like an arrow had pierced his chest. "What did I do to deserve that?"

"You called me Potter earlier. An eye for an eye," Harry said dryly, but with a smile.

"Hmpf. Anyway, I always wanted a girl. Having a kid would have been fun. I wonder what kind of father I would have made."

"You would have been a great father. I mean, since yours wasn't - well, pleasant, for lack of a better word. You would have been great."

"Yeah, I think so."

"Did you and Ginny ever talk about having kids?"
"Yeah, we did, about a month after our wedding. We always joked about it, but we seriously sat down and talked about actually going through with our empty threats."

And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me

Draco was reading in his library when Ginny walked into the room and sat down next to her husband. She sat with one leg tucked under her, and the other hanging off the side of the couch as she looked at him intently. He could smell her sweet cinnamon-almond perfume drifting over to him from the slight breeze that came through a nearby open window. That smell always made him feel warm, and always made him look around for Ginny wherever he was.

"What do you want now, woman?" Draco said affectionately without looking up from his book. He picked up his glass of red wine, which was sitting on a table beside him, and took a slow sip.

"Children," Ginny said abruptly, and Draco spit the wine all over his book.

"What?" he struggled to say as she laughed at his startled expression.

"Children. I want children. Not right now, but sometime soon, and I thought that we should talk about it," she said as she waved her wand and cleansed his book of the red stains.

"Thanks. Okay, so talk."

"Um, well . . . don't you want children soon?"

"Haven't really thought about it," he said as he casually refilled his glass. He always teased her like this, and she always rose to the occasion.

"You haven't thought about it? We've been married for a month, and you haven't thought about it? We've been seeing each other for three and a half years, and you haven't thought about it?" Ginny said, getting angrier by the second.

"Whoa, calm down. I was only joking. You'd think you would know me a little better by now, love. Especially after, what has it been, three and a half years?" he said mockingly.

"Very funny. Really, that was hilarious. You must have planned that out because it was just so funny. Oh, I was laughing so much that I think I cracked a rib," Ginny said dryly.

"Was that imaginary laughter, because I didn't hear any," Draco said as he winced inwardly at his wife's cruelty.

I must have rubbed off on her more than I suspected, he thought as he cursed himself silently.

"Yes, it was imaginary because that wasn't funny," Ginny said, a stern look on her face.
"Oh, lighten up. Of course I've thought about children. I want to have a girl first, and a maybe boy second. I can only guess how many kids you want to have. Probably a dozen or so, but that's fine with me."

"I bet it is," she said as she poked him in his side, "And no, I don't want to have a dozen. That's ridiculous, but I do want to have three or four. You want a girl first? I thought all men wanted to have boys first."

"I just want everything to be different from my childhood. My father had a boy first, so I want a girl," Draco said as he looked into her amber eyes.

"Draco, things will be different," she said as she took his hand, "You're not going to be like you father. You know you won't, so please don't worry about that. You've already come so far from being like him. You're a spy for the Order, you're married to me, and above all, you're a good man. You're so unlike your father, and I'm so proud of you," Ginny finished, and kissed his cheek.

"I know, Gin. It's good to be reminded occasionally though. You're going to be a wonderful mum."

"Of course I will. I am my mother's daughter after all. So when do you want to start trying?" Ginny asked as she slipped her arm through his, and leaned her head on his shoulder.

"How about . . . right now!" Draco said as he suddenly lifted Ginny up and laid her down on the couch. He started unbuttoning her shirt as she was trying to slap his hands away.

"Draco, I didn't mean right now! Hey, stop that! Your mum is in the sitting room, and my parents are on the way," she said as he began kissing her neck. "Oh, why do you have to be so persuasive?"

Never coming home

"Are you going to finish that story, or are you going to smile to yourself all night?" Harry asked, pulling Draco out of his euphoric revery.

"What? Oh - Yeah, we talked about it. I told her that I wanted a girl first because I wanted things to be different with our child. You know, not like my childhood. She always reassured me that it would be different, and I know it would have, but I guess I'll never know now."

"Draco, I'm so sorry. I don't know what it's like to lose your wife and your child, but I can only imagine it's unbearable."

"Yeah, completely unbearable. Why do you think I'm here?"

"So . . . you're going to jump off the tower of the place where you got married because of that?" Harry said, getting a little mad at Draco's impassivity for living.
"Because of that? Because of that? How can you even say that? Ginny was my whole life! I sacrificed everything for her, and the thought that I would have been a father kills me! Every second of every day, I think about her and my child. It's so unbearable that I just want to end it all! Then I could be with her again . . . then I could be happy," Draco started furiously, but trailed off weakly.

He felt so alone in this world, and knew that waiting for him on the other side was his family, his unreachable family.

Harry put a hand on Draco's shoulder as he took a noisy breath, "Okay, I admit that I don't know what it's like to lose your wife and child, but I do know what it's like to lose people that you love. I know that you want to be with them again, but that doesn't mean that you have to cut your life short to do so. They'll be there waiting for you as long as you need."

"I know. She told me she'd wait for me," Draco said as he hung his head.

"She did?"

"Yeah, just before she died."

"Then isn't that enough? She will be waiting for you. Draco, you need to live. You need to move on. I don't mean forget about Ginny, but you need to get on with your life. Just take her memory with you and go on."

"You make it sound so easy," Draco said, his words bedewed with irony.

"No, it won't be easy, but Ginny would be mad at you if you didn't at least try."

"I know, I know."

Never coming home

"I just can't stop thinking about what our future would have been like. Ginny pregnant would have been an absolute nightmare. And when our child got their Hogwarts letter. Huh, I don't know what house I would have wanted them in now. Probably Gryffindor like their mother. Then when they'd get in trouble with Filch, which is inevitable being my child. And their graduation, and their wedding, and our grandchildren," Draco stopped to still the ache in his heart.

"I know, Draco. It would have been great, but Ginny wouldn't want the thought of this to stop you from living. She would want you to have a great life, and for you to make her proud. You better hope to God that she doesn't get Peeves to come after your arse."

Draco shuttered. "Oh, hadn't thought of that. I know she's probably irked with me right now, but she won't ever be again."
"Good to hear it. Now, can we please get off this bloody freezing roof!" Harry said as he stood up quickly.

"Absolutely. I didn't think the boy who lived was such a pansy when it came to cold weather."

"Cold weather? This is practically arctic! Oh, shut up. Let's go," Harry said, and he started to walk to the stairwell.

Could I? Should I?

Draco got up and looked over the side of the tower. He realized that ninety-two feet in the air was a long way to fall. The ground below was scattered with tombstones, and he guessed one of them would have broken his fall.

"Hey, are you coming?"

"Yeah. I just can't believe I was going to jump. Look at this, we're really high up," Draco said as he gestured for Harry to come and peer over the side.

"Woo," Harry said with a whistle, "that's some ways down. What got into you? I mean, you couldn't have an open casket after that."

Draco laughed. "I know. I was temporarily out of my mind. You'll have to forgive me for that."

"You're forgiven. We all lose it once in a while," Harry said.

"All of us? Excuse me, but when did the great Harry Potter lose it?"

"Um, did you lose your memory along with your mind, or were you not there when we found out that George died?"

"Of course I remember that, but you just walked outside without a word. When you came back you seemed all right."

"Well, yeah, that was after I blew a tree out of the ground."
"I didn't notice a tree was uprooted."

"I put it back of course. I didn't want the Weasleys upset about George and their lawn being destroyed. But I was really upset when George died. I knew what he was doing was foolish, and I had told him so many times, but he never listened to me. I always kind of felt like I could have done more."

"You did all that you could, but George was stubborn like all the Weasleys. He wouldn't listen to his own father much less you. You remember how mad Arthur was when he found out what George was doing. Though, it's not like he didn't do some good with scouting. We were warned ahead of time of some very crippling attacks. George saved many people by being his foolish self."

"Yeah, he did. It just still hurts. Can't walk past a joke shop without thinking about burning it to the ground for being in competition with WWW," Harry said with a laugh. Draco laughed with him. The thought of Harry Potter turning into an arsonist was too funny.

And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me

"See, it never stops hurting," Draco said after their laughter died down, "George died two years ago, and we're all still feeling it. I'm never going to stop hurting because of Ginny, am I?"

"No, probably not. None of us will, but we'll get through it together. Which is more reason to come to the Burrow tonight. You know everyone wants to see you. Fred never stops pestering me about you."

"Ha, I bet he doesn't. I want to see them too. They remind me of her, which I wouldn't mind right about now."

"That's what I thought," Harry said as he looked over the ledge once more, "You were really going to jump, weren't you?"

"Yeah, I was. I could have. I really could have, but now I realize that I shouldn't have even thought about it. Thanks for stopping me."

For all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me

"That's what I'm here for, to talk you out of suicide when need be. I'm just glad I got here in time. I couldn't even think about having to tell the Weasleys that you plummeted to your death tonight of all nights."

"Merlin, I didn't even think about that," Draco said, feeling deeply ashamed by himself.

"That's why suicide is so selfish. Usually when people do it, they aren't thinking about what it would do to those who love them. In this case, I think Molly would've had a heart attack. For God knows what reason, she does seem to like you a lot."

"Yeah, she's practically a second mum to me. Well, haven't I been a stupid prat? Thank Merlin for you, Harry Potter."

"Indeed," Harry said, and he started back toward the stairwell.

Just then, he heard Draco let out a surprised yelp. He turned around to see his friend waving his arms madly, losing his balance close to the edge.