No one can help me...

No one can help me

I staggered into the bathroom. I felt nauseous, as if I was going to vomit or faint. Or both.
I needed to cool myself. My head felt like it was spinning and I gulped in deep breaths of air.
Ah, air. How simple and easy it was to be air. Air that was weightless and had no responsibilities, except to simply be in the atmosphere.
How I wished to be air. To be free of worries. To go wherever I pleased, without telling anyone.
I leaned against the stone basin, and pulled the tap, filling it with water. I sat next to it, leaned my head against the cool basin, and closed my eyes.
Death. How dark and grey the word sounded. Some people said that death brought peace to a person's soul, but I couldn't have been more afraid of it.
Yet the farther I ran away from death, the closer it came to me, slashing its arms around, trying to take me... it kept missing, but just barely.
The basin had filled up and I touched the cool water and let it trickle down my fingers. All water did was flow whichever way it wanted. But its disadvantage was that it had to go whichever way man wanted it to go. It had no choice. It just had to obey.
This was how everyone expected me to be. That I would do whatever was told of me and I would do it no matter what. But I was tired of this. I wanted to make my own choices.
My face stung as I splashed the cold water on my face. It trickled down my face and down my neck and back.
Tears brimmed my eyes and suddenly I couldn't see anything. Everything was blurry.
Images then started drifting into my head, lazily and filled with smoke...
The first time I went to a public park and fell off of a swing, my father explaining my heritage to me, sitting in a stuffy classroom for hours learning about the Malfoys, my father demanding me why I had only gotten a E in Potions when I should have gotten an O, meeting the Dark Lord for the first time and him telling me what it was that I had to do...
I closed my eyes and felt the tears trickle down my face. For a while I could only feel my heart beating loudly. The loo was silent, except for the sound of my breathing.
I opened my eyes and across from me I saw myself reflected in the mirror. My face was streaked with tears and my eyes were red and puffy. My green Slytherin robes were dirty and wrinkled.
If my father saw me like this right now he would kill me. I undid the laces of my shoe and slid it off my foot. I chucked it at the mirror, shattering the glass and making it fall.
"Don't do that," said a voice near the window.
I looked up and saw a ghost of a girl sitting on the ledge. "That mirror has been around a very long time, and you just broke it."
I ignored her and submerged my face in the grimy basin.
"Don't!" came her voice as I came out, splashing water everywhere, my blond hair wet. "Tell me what's wrong...I'll listen...I'll help you."
I shook my head, crying. "No one can help me...I can't do it...he'll kill me soon...I have to do it soon though...I can't..."
"Tell Myrtle what's wrong," she said.
But I ignored her. I had heard the door creak open.
Leaning against the stone basin, I pushed my hair out of my eyes.
Standing near the door, with his eyes transfixed on me, was Potter.
My frustration and anger burst right then. I grabbed my wand and cursed Potter, but it missed.
He cursed me back and I blocked it. We both were trying to hex one another without using words, just as we had learned in class recently.
Myrtle was screaming in the background for us to stop, but we ignored her. She muttered curses at us under her breath and disappeared.
I tripped on my shoe and landed flat on my face. Potter shot a spell at me, and blood spurted out of my chest and my face. I screamed in pain, feeling as if a sword was slashing my face and my chest.
There was alarm in Potter's eyes as he realised what he had done. He looked as if he hadn't meant to do it. He was backing up, with horror on his face.
I tried to get up to curse him, but I couldn't. I was in too much pain. Looking scared, he ran out the door, leaving me alone in the loo.
Struggling with pain, I managed to sit up. Tears streamed out of my eyes as I touched my face and saw the blood on my hand. If my father saw me like this, he would insult me, saying that I would never be able to stand up to the Dark Lord if I couldn't even beat Potter in a duel.
But I didn't want to do my father's bidding. I wanted to do what I wanted to do. I didn't know quite what that was right now, but I wanted to have my own life. I was tired of following in my father's footsteps.
I took a deep breath and winced in pain as the pain, so sharp and deep, filled my body. If I couldn't even bear pain like this, how would I face my own death, if I died by the Dark Lord?
Tears streamed down my face, mixing with the blood, tasting corrosive and bitter as it touched my lips.
I tried to get up, but I couldn't even walk. I just stayed there, crying, feeling ashamed of myself.
Suddenly, the door creaked open once again and a girl entered. She was also crying, although she didn't look as upset as I was. Since my vision was blurred from the mass of tears, I couldn't tell who she was.
She looked up at me and there was surprise in her plain but beautiful brown eyes. Her hair was as red as the blood pouring out of me and she was short, although she stood with a certain authority. She wiped her eyes and, "Just in case you didn't notice, Malfoy, this is a girl's bathroom."
It was one of the Weasleys. The smallest one.
I ignored her and tried to get up again, holding the stone basin as support. But I slipped on the water on the ground and fell against the base, smashing my nose against it.
Now my nose was bleeding, in addition to everything else.
She came towards me and said, "Hold still." She took out her wand looking as if she would curse me, and I took out my wand as well.
"Don't even think about it, Weasley. I'll curse you," I said.
"I'm not going to curse you," she said, giving me a look. "I want to help you."
"I don't need your help. No one can help me," I said, getting up and struggling to stay up. I started to fall again as pain spread through my chest, but she caught me just as I fell.
She held onto my shoulder and said, "Here, put your hand on my shoulder."
I put my hand on her shoulder. How strange her warm skin felt through her robes to my cold hand.
She then helped me walk to the hospital wing where Madam Pomfrey inspected me and demanded to know what had happened to me. I refused to tell her.
"Fine, be that way," she snapped. "Drink this." She put a flagon of purple liquid to my lips and forced me to gulp it down. I sputtered and coughed and leaned back slightly on my pillow, still sitting up.
"Miss Weasley, please help me," said Madam Pomfrey after she removed my robes, still struggling to take off my shirt.
Weasley just stood there, looking uncomfortable. "Um... I don't know about that."
"I'll be back," said Madam Pomfrey, rushing out of my cubicle as she heard screams in the rest of the wing.
So I sat there, awkwardly, with my shirt halfway off.
I looked at her, curious as to why she helped me. She met my eyes and then looked away as I attempted to take the shirt off myself, wincing as the fabric brushed the wounds.
"Oh here, I'll do it," she said, sounding annoyed.
She slid a hand under the sleeve of my shirt and pulled it off very gently. Her warm hand touched my cold skin once again and I felt a jolt of electricity go through my body.
She put the shirt on the bedside table and glared at me, likely because I was staring at her.
"What?" she demanded.
"What happened to you?" I asked her.
"What happened to you?" she asked me back.
"None of your business," I said, looking away.
"Then it's none of your business what happened to me," she said, averting her eyes.
"Let me guess..." I said, rolling my eyes. "Problems with your love life? Problems getting the guy you want?"
She gave me a fierce look and then said, "No, actually...yes, fine. But what would you know about it?"
I shrugged.
A loose tendril of red hair fell down her forehead. "I don't know why I'm telling you, but I'm only with this guy to make the guy I really like jealous, but he won't notice me."
"Is it Potter?" I asked her, jokingly.
Her eyes met mine in surprise and I knew that it was Potter. "What happened to you anyways?"
I glared at her. "I don't want to talk about it. Just leave me alone, Weasley."
She pushed her hair behind her ear. "Fine. I'm only trying to help, you know."
I snorted. "You can't help me. No one can help me."
"You want to know what your problem is?" she demanded. "You don't let anyone help you. You have to be Mr. Big and Strong. What's wrong with admitting that you need help? Sometimes it takes a stronger man to say that he's weak than a weaker man to say he's strong."
"Why do you care?" I asked. "You're just a Gryffindor. Why did you even help me?"
"Maybe because I can't stand to see anyone in pain," she said. "No matter who they are, whether they are Gryffindors or Slytherins. I want to help everyone and you looked like you needed help back there."
I looked at her and her eyes met mine. They were soft and brown and for the first time this evening, I felt comforted.
"Anyways, I'd better go," she said, getting up. "Bye."
I didn't say anything, but just watched her leave. Then I laid down in my bed and closed my eyes, my head filling up with all those things that had led me to that bathroom in the first place. But then I imagined Weasley's warm brown eyes and I immediately fell asleep.
The next day I was much better, even though Madam Pomfrey had to bandage up my chest and part of my face as well.
Every class I went to my 'friends' asked me what had happened, and each time I gave them a vague response that revealed nothing.
When I went to Potions class, Potter refused to look at me and Professor Snape just nodded his head to me and whispered in my ear that he had to speak to me after class.
After class I met him at his desk as soon as everyone left.
He asked me what happened but I refused to tell him. I didn't know what he was trying to do... was he trying to be my father by bossing me around and telling me what I should be doing?
"You must complete the task soon," he hissed to me. "It must be done soon, or he will be most upset. Do you understand?"
"Yes, now leave me alone," I said, turning around and walking out of his class.
My head began swimming as I thought of the task at hand. It started to throb. In my frustration, I didn't see the person I happened to be walking towards and I bumped into whoever it was. I winced as pain spread across my chest.
"Oh sorry," said the, turning around. It was Weasley. Her apologetic smile seemed to freeze in place as she looked at me.
"It's alright," I said, in pain, starting to walk away.
"Are you all right?" she said, calling after me.
I nodded and just kept walking, feeling pleased that I had gotten to see her eyes once again. They certainly gave me great comfort.
That evening, I decided to try and finish the task. I set out for the Room of Requirement and followed the procedure to get into it.
When I entered, it did not resume the mess that I had left in it the last time I was there. It was a bedroom with a big bed in the middle. I saw someone crying on the middle of it.
"Hello?" came a girl's voice. "Is someone there?" Weasley stepped out from the hangings, blowing her nose. "Oh... it's you."
"What's that supposed to mean, Weasley?" I demanded.
"I do have a name, Malfoy," she snapped, wiping her eyes.
"And so do I Ginny," I said.
She began to say something but then stopped. "What are you doing here, Draco?"
"I could ask you the same question, Ginny," I answered.
"Oh forget it!" she said, sitting back on the bed. "Everything's so complicated with you. I'm just trying to be nice, you know."
I sat next to her on the bed and looked into her brown eyes. "No one's ever been nice to me before."
She blinked. "Have you ever been nice to anyone?"
I shrugged. "Sure, back when I was seven years old. I went to the park and I wanted to go on the swing. So I got on, with the help of my father, and then he began pushing me. But then I realised that I had dropped my toy wand in the sand and I went back to get it and when I came back, there was somebody there. I asked him nicely to get off and he punched me in the nose."
She gasped. "What did your father do?"
I laughed cynically. "What was he going to do? He just told me that that was the way the world was and that I had to fend for myself."
Ginny frowned. "That's so sad. Wasn't anyone ever nice to you?"
I shook my head. "I spent so much time alone. My parents were never there. They were always gone out to balls, or other things like that; I was always alone. And when I fell and hurt myself at home, there was no one there to help me."
She looked into my eyes. "So that's why you're always a git?"
"Hey!" I said.
She smirked. "Well you are. You're always so mean to everyone, even if they never did anything to you. You're enemies with Harry... Why?"
"I don't know," I answered.
"Exactly. He never did anything to you and yet you're always so mean to him," she said. "Maybe if you were nice to people, they would be nice back."
"That's not how I was raised. It's not what I was taught," I said, looking away.
"Maybe it's time that you learned," she said.
We were silent for a few minutes and then I said, "Why aren't you with your boyfriend? Won't he be looking for you?"
She shook her head. "We broke up. I was tired of him. Besides, Harry never notices me anyway. He never thinks of me as anything but his best friend's little sister."
"Maybe you should let him know that you like him," I said.
She shook her head, tears forming in her eyes. "I can't. I did before, in second year. He got made fun of so much and was so embarrassed. I felt so bad."
She looked up at me. "You're nicer than you look, you know."
"Maybe you shouldn't judge me then," I said, drowning in her calm, peaceful, brown eyes.
She touched my face, where my bandage was. "It's coming off a bit."
That's when I leaned in and kissed her. Her lips were soft, yet firm at the same time. She smelt like cinnamon as she wrapped her arms around me and kissed me back.
I became intoxicated in this happiness and warmth that I had never felt before. I had only felt cold before, so cold. But now warmth spread throughout my body, spreading from my toes to my fingertips.
***
The next morning, I woke up in the room of requirement, next to Weasley on the bed.
My robes were wrinkled from having slept in them and I had to get back to my dormitory before someone noticed I was gone.
Weasley - no, Ginny - was still sleeping peacefully, so I left her that way. I didn't want to cause havoc in her life, like I had caused in my own.
So I quietly slipped out of the room and shut the door. I would be back tonight.
I went back to my dormitory in time and quickly changed my robes and then went down to the Great Hall and soon enough, fellow Slytherins poured in all around me.
I ate my breakfast quickly and then went to all my classes in the morning. During lunch, I went back to the Room of Requirement and began working on the cabinet. It was difficult work, as I was doing it alone. I missed my afternoon classes to do it.
Not that I cared anymore about classes... Everything was going to end soon.
As I worked I remembered all the things I had told Ginny last night. I told her about how my father always wanted me to follow him and how I always did, even though I felt that I shouldn't.
I never told her what I was planning on doing, or about anything involving the Dark Lord, but I told her enough for her to feel sorry for me and to give me advice.
"I always thought you were a cold and heartless person, but now I know that you've got a nice side of you, just wanting to break free. Just let it break free," she had said. "Your father might hate you for it, but you'll feel better, knowing that you did something right."
I had chosen not to respond to this, but it echoed in my head now that I worked. When I had done as much as I could do, I left the room and whispered that no one other than me should find it like this.
As I made my way to the Slytherin Common Room, I heard whispers that Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley were going out.
It was bound to happen, I thought. Just because she comforted me for one night doesn't mean that she would suddenly become mine, did it? Of course not. I cursed myself for even thinking I had a chance with her.
That night, my sleep was restless. The Dark Lord drifted in and out of my dreams, as did Ginny.
The next few days, I worked endlessly on the task and hardly came out of the Room of Requirement.
However, the time I came out on a Saturday for lunch, I met Ginny on my way back to the room. Potter wasn't with her for what seemed like the first time, and she stopped her tracks to stare at me.
"Congratulations," I muttered to her.
"For what?" she said.
"For getting Potter. It's what you wanted," I said.
She smiled, and her whole face lit up. "Thank you. It means a lot to me that you understand. And I'm sorry about the other night. I didn't mean..."
I held up my hand. "It's all right." Then I turned around and continued my short journey to the Room of Requirement.
Other than that, I never saw her much again. I suppose it was because she was busy studying for her OWLs.
Finally, one night the task the Dark Lord had given me was completed! My hard work and determination had finally paid off. Yet when I thought of what the cupboard would be used for, I hated myself for it.
Sparks emitted from my wand as I let off my anger. I cursed everything in the room, except for the cupboard itself.
I heard the door open, but before it opened all the way, I cursed the person behind it and it slammed shut and I heard the person fall down with an oomph.
After a few minutes of silence, I decided it was time.
I opened the door to the cupboard and slipped through it. I found myself in Borgin and Burkes.
Several Death Eaters eagerly waited for me there. We talked for several minutes and then one of them left to inform the Dark Lord that it was time. After he came back, we set off for Hogwarts through the cupboard.
We came back and I led them from the Room of Requirement. That's when the riot started.
Students started screaming as the Death Eaters cursed everything in sight, setting off fires, killing people. I stood in the middle of it all, watching it, knowing that I was the cause.
I suddenly remembered the next part of the task, and my heart sunk. It was now or never. Dully, I recalled from the depths of my brain that someone was to put up the Dark Mark over the Astronomy tower as a lure for Dumbledore. Slowly, begrudgingly, I started to make my way to the tower.
I found him alone there, standing weak and alone. I held up my wand to him.
"Who else is here?"
"No one," he answered. "But I could ask you the same thing. Are you alone?"
"No," I answered, my eyes scanning the room, "I've got back up."
"Draco, you are not a killer," said Dumbledore.
I stared at him. "How do you know?"
"So tell me, how did you do it?"
I then proceeded to tell him how I mended the vanishing cabinet, and how I brought all the Death Eaters back with me, and how I was supposed to kill him.
"The attempts before I must say were very poorly done," he said.
"So?" I demanded. "You never knew it was me."
"On the contrary," he said, "I did."
"Then why didn't you stop me?"
"I had asked Professor Snape to watch over you, on my orders..." he said.
"On your orders?" I laughed. "He promised my mother..."
"Of course that is what he would tell you," he said, his eyes twinkling. "Anyway, there is little time. So let's discuss your options."
"My options!" I screamed, almost hysterical with laughter. "I'm going to kill you and you're talking to me about my options!"
"My dear boy," said Dumbledore, talking to me as if we were having tea, "if you wanted to kill me, you would have done so ages ago."
Time was running out and I was scared. "I haven't got any options. He'll kill me! He'll kill my whole family! I can't..."
"I can help you Draco," he said.
I shook my head. "No, you can't. No one can help me. He told me to do it or he'll kill me. I've no choice."
"Come over to the right side," said Dumbledore, "I promise we'll hide you and your whole family. You're not a killer Draco..."
His words were starting to appeal to me. I couldn't think anymore. My head was throbbing, and pointing the wand at Dumbledore was starting to hurt my hand. Somehow, as if an invisible force was pulling it down, I felt my hand lower...
But then there were voices and the door slammed open. Behind it stood several Death Eaters.
Dumbledore started talked to them as if they were old friends, and they spoke back, their voices filled with mirth.
Fenrir Greyback said, "I could eat you for afters, Dumbledore..."
"No," said a voice behind me. "Draco's got to do it. It's orders. Go ahead, Draco."
But I couldn't. I stared at the vicious faces of the Death Eaters and then back at Dumbledore's pale face. I couldn't.
Then there were voices of Dumbledore's guard in the stairs. They were yelling and coming closer and they all screamed at me, "Draco, do it!"
"I'll do it," said Fenrir.
"No! Draco must do it," screamed someone.
But then the door opened and there stood Snape. He pushed me roughly out of his way, raised his wand and pointed it directly at Dumbledore. He screamed the words, "Avada Kedavra!"
A jet of green light burst forth from his wand, and Dumbledore was blasted into the air. He fell out of the window and out of sight.
Snape then grabbed me and we all ran for it, out of the castle, cursing whoever came our way.
Potter met us when we were outside.
Him and Snape screamed things at one another for a few moments, but Snape cursed him and we ran off into the night, listening to the screams in the castle behind us.
As soon as we were off Hogwarts grounds, we Apparated to the Dark Lord's home. It was hidden in a forest in a far away place.
I was made to sit outside the main room, as everyone went to speak with him.
After two hours of waiting, I was called for and as I got up, I thought, this is it...
What if I had taken Dumbledore's hand? Would he have protected my mother and me as he had promised? Would he have?
The hammering of my heart in my chest was so loud, I'm surprised my chest did not rip open with the force.
Inside the dimly lit room, lay my mother crying at the Dark Lord's feet, begging for our lives.
"Draco," said the Dark Lord. "You have disappointed me."
I didn't say anything. There was nothing much to say when in the presence of the Dark Lord.
"I gave you a simple task to do, and even a whole year to do it, and yet, you failed," he whispered. "And now, your punishment is to watch your mother die and then to die yourself."
"Please my lord, forgive him, he's a boy!" my mothers creamed, begging him.
I hated to see her in such distress.
"No!" he screamed. "He is old enough now to do what he is told." He was silent and then said, "I may give you another chance. Your mother is bound to die, but if you kill someone else for me, I'll give you another chance."
I was silent as I stared at my mother's face. "Take it!" she said.
"I can help you," he said. "All may not be lost."
"You can't help me," I said. "No one can help me. I don't need your help. I'm tired of doing what you and my father want me to do. I'm finished."
"Fine, have it your way," he said.
"Draco! No!" My mother begged me. "Take the chance, Draco. You'll live!"
I looked into the Dark Lord's eyes. "If this is the life I'll get if I live, then I'd rather die."
"Avada Kedavra!" he shouted, pointing his wand at my mother. I watched her body sag to the ground.
"I could've helped you," he said. "I could have."
No one can help me, I thought, as I closed my eyes and prepared for that dark and gloomy death that awaited me. No one has ever helped me.
Through the lids of my eyes, I saw a green flash burst forth and heard him say, "Avada Kedavra!"
The last thing I saw before my death was a pair of dark brown eyes, full of calm and peace.
And, at last, I truly felt calm and at peace.