Musings of a Malfoy

SEPTEMBER

September 2^nd

07:30: In bed: Ugh. Just woken up next to someone who is definitely not the beauty I remember seeing last night. Think she is from year below. Not bad for the first night back. Will steal away quickly, before she wakes up.

07:35: Sneaking from room: Feel like have been banished from my own room. I may have been forced to use the Crucatius Curse on her then. Shame. I do so like to see people suffer. Can you believe it? It took five whole minutes to free my bloody arm so I could get away. She almost woke up. Lucky me, almost got to face the horrible phenomenon that is hungover-woman-waking-up-in-morning. Just because I'm more beautiful than she is.

07:36: And I have nicer robes. And a nicer arse.

07:40: Oh, woe is me. Lamenting in the showers. Admiring gorgeous reflection. Am epitome of attractive, virile male. Have given woman - girl - thing ample time to have left my bed. Hope she's gone. Hopefully Daddy will send me some money by owl. I have been really evil to Potter as of late. I deserve some kind of reward.

07:45: She was still there. Forced to change in common room. Whilst trying to put on trousers, fell over. Caused a rumpus. Bloody fantastic.

08:00: Desperate measures: Out of sheer boredom, was forced to talk to those Neanderthals Crabbe and Goyle. I never learn. It's like talking to the very, very backward. They surpassed themselves today. I had to walk away before they started to sap my supreme intelligence. Sadly, they failed to catch the significance of my sudden departure and chose to follow me. Must note that they are too dense to understand my biting sarcasm and witty repartee, will save it for other people.

09:30: Care of Magical Creatures. That gigantic oaf has got us handling Blast-ended Skrewts again. They deign to call this education?

09:31: Hagrid really is very ugly. Why ugly teachers are employed is beyond reason. Gives us nothing nice to look at.

09:32: The bastard set my eyebrow on fire! (Skrewt, not Hagrid). Am very angry. Plan to complain to Ministry. Have been sent to Madame Pomfrey for her to check for burns. Great start to term. Thoroughly pissed off. On the up side, I was able to laugh at Potter's expense. Potter does not seem to have heard of the existence of a razor. Will remind him in suitably scathing tone later.

11:04: Still in hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey thinks I'm malnourished. Reminded her it was my muscle definition. Damn. Missing potions and chance to see Potter humiliate himself.

11:05: Just seen eyebrow. Look ridiculous. Might stay here until it grows back.

13:20: Crabbe and Goyle came to see me. Crabbe thoughtfully brought me my homework assignments.

13:22: Am annoyed. Just realised all they wanted to do was gawk and snigger at my lone eyebrow and its burned-to-a-crisp counterpart. Sent them away. Wonder who that person in my bed was. Quite enjoy being mothered over.

18:10: Was awoken from my slumber. Irritated and still look ridiculous. Attempted raising my only eyebrow. I looked like a surprised earwig. Great. I wonder how many people in the world only have one eyebrow at this moment. I'm going to try and stop thinking now; too tired to think.

18:11: Bizarrely, I'm still thinking.

18:16: And I'm still angry.

September 4^th

10:40: Back into normal lessons. Turns out the girl in bed was Littlest Weasley, I just didn't see her properly in my semi-conscious daze. Am totally horrified. She came to see me after breakfast. Still reeling. Hope the Weasel doesn't find out.

10:43: On second thoughts, I hope he does. It would throw it all back in his face.

11:10: Really hate Arithmancy. Granger always knows the answers and Potter just sits next to her looking smug, like a really, really smug thing. Caught Potter staring at self today. Got a little worried. Sneered back and he looked away. Nice to know that the trademark Malfoy glare is fulfilling its purpose.

12:30: The unintelligent ones that are Crabbe and Goyle decided they would start a fight in the corridor today. Just stood and watched whilst they got their y-fronts (I'm pretty sure that's what they wear) in a twist as they grappled with the likes of Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan. The battle, which was of epic proportions, was halted by the lunch-bell, no less. Crabbe and Goyle were off like a shot. Quite amusing.

16:24: Have been perfecting knowing smirk in mirror. I can't get it quite right. Perhaps it's this blasted eyebrow. Ick, feel so ugly. Is a disability to be ugly. At least I gained something from the whole experience: I know what it feels like to be Hagrid. Not a very enticing prospect.

18:01: Slytherin Common Room: Blaise's arse looks nice in those robes. Must congratulate her on it.

18:05: Got a slap. Note: never compliment girls on their arse when they are pre-menstrual. Could cause rather painful, unwanted beating. Note down in Little Black Book of Possible Conquests: Blaise Zabini.

19:30: Bored. Bored and tired. What can I do to cause some trouble?

19:31: I know. Will aggravate Blaise. Damn. Blaise has gone elsewhere. Will go join in game of spin the bottle instead.

22:43: Ugh. Had to kiss Millicent Bulstrode. Horrified and humiliated. I left before they asked me to play strip poker.

September 5^th

15:41: Eyebrow still not grown back, getting desperate. Saw a really nice arse this morning, but didn't see the owner. Obviously not as good as my arse though.

September 7^th

09:30: Was overjoyed this morning when I looked at gorgeous, one-eyebrowed self. Eyebrow is growing back! No longer feel facially disabled. In excellent mood.

12:14: Owner of arse was Potter! Am shocked at news.

12:15: Am shocked at self, too. Not to mention worried.

18:56: Caught Potter staring at dinner. Stared back instead of giving usual smirk. I think I am going soft.

September 10^th

07:12: Woke up to find Millicent Bulstrode in my bed. In my sleep, thought she was beautiful woman and snuggled up to her. Realised mistake when woke up. Shouted a lot to cover embarrassment. Millicent looked pissed off. Don't care; she was obviously hit with wrong end of beauty stick.

11:34: Potions lab: Crabbe and Goyle keep saying Snape fancies dashing, young, intelligent self. Got pissed off and sabotaged their potion.

11:35: Potter was looking at me again. Looked away quickly, flouting several of the Malfoy Codes of Conduct. Looked up and he wasn't looking at me anymore. Felt slightly disappointed.

16:10: Going to Hogsmeade tonight. Getting drunk.

23:14: Drunk as a skunk. Drunk, drunk, drunkety-drunk. Note: add Pansy to Black Book. She's nicer drunk. Feel sick. Oops. Fell over.

September 11^th

07:01 One word: EUUURRGHH.

September 12^th

12:32: Got verbal warning from Snape for being drunk. Not best pleased. Daddy sent me some money and a postcard to remind self that he was having a great time when I wasn't.

13:47: Littlest Weasley threatened to tell the Weasel about our escapade if I didn't take her out for a drink. What a manipulative young woman.

13:48: Not taking her, though. She wouldn't dare tell the Weasel.

16:45: Looked at Little Black Book of Possible Conquests. It looks a little sparse. Added Littlest Weasel in for good measure.

17:01: Stole Pansy's Witch Weekly. Quite an amusing read, once you ignore the various adverts for Breast Enlargement Charms and so on.

17:04: Wonder what it feels like to have breasts. Quite nice, I should imagine.

17:30: Just done the "What is your flirting style?" quiz. Am pleased to note that I got full marks.

17:56: Argh! Pansy has filled in a quiz about the top ten men she likes the most. Neville Longbottom beat me! Am mortified.

17:58: What's he got that I haven't?

17:59: At least Potter isn't on the list. Beat him by miles.

19:00: Pansy took her copy of Witch Weekly back. Shame, I was just learning how to alleviate menstrual cramps with a clever little spell.

19:04: When she took it back, just shook head pityingly and said: "Neville Longbottom?"

September 15^th

00:04: Neville Longbottom. Why?

09:37: Can't look at Longbottom without sniggering. Or Pansy, for that matter.

10:45: Just saw Pansy try to talk to Longbottom in the corridor. He looked like a frightened rabbit. I don't blame him; Pansy's a man-eater if you don't know how to handle her. Why she would want someone who has an arse that size is beyond me. Always thought she was a little odd, to say the least. Have crossed her out of Little Black Book. Weirdo.

11:23: Defence Against the Dark Arts Class: Have to say that new teacher is crap. Dumbledore has failed yet again to provide a decent DADA professor. He is incompetent. (Dumbledore, not teacher. Teacher is just illiterate and stupid. And also fat.)

11:24: Everyone knows Snape wanted the job, anyway.

15:06: Just realised Potter was probably only staring at self because of eyebrow, or lack of it, and not because am charming, gorgeous and witty. And perhaps a little self-obsessed.

15:08: Slightly disgruntled.

19:37: I mean, how can he not find me attractive? He's quite attractive...for a geek in glasses.

19:38: What? Oh, bugger. Really did think that Potter is quite attractive. Must purge thoughts of Potter from mind. Am thoroughly disturbed by thoughts. Will label it as lapse in concentration. Hope it won't happen again.

23:44: Really think would make a rather dashing woman.

September 17^th

05:04: Why did I wake up at this time? Oh, some cat has colonised my bed.

05:14: Could quite fancy some sex about now. And some lightly grilled salmon.

06:30: Got rid of cat, its claws were threatening to ruin nice, silky bedspread.

06:45: Quidditch Pitch: Failing being Prefect, am Captain of House Quidditch Team instead. Look on it as one of long-term achievements. Shame team is crap though. Team-members are embarrassment, and am positive some have never heard of deodorant.

09:30: Caught Potter staring at breakfast again. Starting to think it is not my eyebrow that is causing the unnecessary - but very much enjoyed - ogling.

09:31: That sounds very pervy, in retrospect.

09:35: Have a Quidditch Match today. Bugger.

13:42: On Quidditch Pitch, hovering on broom: Have a feeling we might lose. Delivered usual and standard pre-match pep talk. I thought it was rather punchy, actually. It was very simple: "We will win, or I feed you to the Basilisk".

15:12: We won! Saw Potter in audience, though couldn't tell whom he was rooting for. Must say, self looks rather dapper on broom in robes of green; just saw picture of self in action.

22:04: Hogsmeade: Vewwy, vewwy drunk. Love Crabbe and Goyle, are best friends in whole wide world.

September 19^th

10:23: Got detention in Arithmancy. So did Potter. Caused a bit of a scuffle. Damn.

12:34: Last minute mirror check. Eyebrow is looking better. Must resist urge to pluck straggly bits.

12:37: Tried to charm eyebrow to make it grow. Didn't work. Now have a mono-brow. I look hideous. May skip rest of lessons and brood on eyebrow.

12:45: There! Have plucked eyebrow. Looks much better.

12:46: Am confused as to why eyebrow is growing back longer and thicker. At this rate I will look like Hagrid.

15:04: Went to Madame Pomfrey. Couldn't stand eyebrow any longer. Am gorgeous self once more!

18:34: Bugger Potter. He started it. And he's late.

18:45: Professor Vector is making us dust all the old Arithmancy textbooks. Using Muggle dusters. My pretty hands are becoming calloused as we speak.

19:34: Hands are dirty, back is sore and biting wit is at an all-time-low. Did manage to remind Potter to use a razor though. Conversation which followed put my scintillating wit to shame. Was something like this:

DM: Potter, it has come to my attention lately that you are beginning to look more and more like that insufferably ugly oaf Hagrid. I suggest it is high time you were

introduced to what will be your arch-nemesis in years to come.

HP: Blinks Whatever, weirdo.

DM: Cunning, annoyed smile Bless you, Potter.

HP: Eh? Malfoy, what are you getting at?

DM: Sighs You need a razor. Your face offends me and you look like a pedophile.

HP: Is stunned and offended Malfoy, you are an arrogant little shite, did you know that?

DM: What? Why? Professor Vector! Potter's being nasty!

HP: I rest my case. You are an arrogant little shite.

Can't help feeling Potter got the upper hand on that one. Bugger.

September 21^st

10:12: Pansy groped me today. Can't help wondering what's happened to poor Neville. Can only hope she did it by accident.

13:14: Was on way to Herbology when was grabbed from behind and pulled into a broom cupboard that just happened to be there. Came face to face with the scariest thing ever lived: Pansy Parkinson with a libido the size of a large Hippogriff. Or larger.

13:16: Gaah! She is making amorous advances! Will use ancient wisdom in dealing with such circumstances as specified in Malfoy Code of Conduct.

13:19: Got a slap but was worth it to avoid snogging something which resembles a pug walking upright.

14:20: Am glad to see she has rethought her choices as to who is most gorgeous male.

15:01: Caught Pansy shooting longing glances at Neville. No prizes for guessing whom she will ask to the Yule Ball.

18:34: Library: Here incognito. Waiting for Granger to show up, so then I can casually drop by and copy her Arithmancy homework. Without her knowing.

18:44: Sitting at table, pretending to read books. Watching Granger.

18:46: Was just about to walk casually over and have a nice little tête-à-tête, whehose imbeciles called Crabbe and Goyle blew my cover. Merlin knows what they were doing in the library in the first place. Probably took a wrong turning on their way to the kitchens. Once they had careered in and ruined my foolproof plan of undercover observation, they then proceeded to laugh hysterically at book in hands. Said book turned out to be: Passion with the Potions Master and other love stories. Was mortified. My mission was a failure. Can't be arsed to do it myself.

19:31: Goyle has a date! Crabbe is naturally very upset. He came to me for comfort and a "man-to-man" talk. Oh dear.

19:45: Am repulsed and disturbed and unhappy. Crabbe thinks he is in love with Goyle. Oh dear God.

20:03: Is quite funny though. Crabbe stormed off in a huff.

20:13: Still sniggering.

21:45: Crabbe and Goyle, sitting in a tree, doing things they shouldn't be...

September 22^nd

07:12: Woke up to find Crabbe sitting next to my bed and looking at me accusingly. Needless to say it was not the nicest wake-up call.

08:03: Crabbe keeps giving Goyle moony-eyed glances over the Cornflakes. Is it me or is this Crabbe loving Goyle thing very, very wrong?

13:02: Crabbe tries too hard. I half-expect Goyle to turn around any second now and scream "Why do you keep following me? Stop touching me! I loathe you, you hideous, dense pervert!" But sadly, this will never happen. Goyle's vocabulary is similar to that of a House-Elf's.

14:54: Slytherin Common Room: No lessons for afternoon. Really want to go up to dormitory but Crabbe is in there. I really hope Goyle isn't with him. By staying in the common room, am being subjected to Pansy. Must leave before sanity deserts me.

16:37: Stumbled upon what looked like a mass orgy on the Quidditch Pitch. Turned out it just Granger, Potter and Weasley frolicking. Ergh, what horrible mental images.

17:43: Returned to dormitories to find Crabbe trying out new hairstyles in the mirror. He asked for my opinion. I declined to comment.

18:02: Crabbe just said he was going to clean Goyle's broomstick. Am very worried about him.

20:55: Crabbe and Goyle have been gone an awfully long time...

20:56: Argh! Must purge thoughts from mind!

September 24^th

10:34: Potions: Crabbe has swapped places with Blaise so he can sit next to Goyle.

10:37: Goyle still hasn't noticed.

10:45: Saw Crabbe accidentally-on-purpose brush his hand against Goyle's. Turned away before breakfast made reappearance.

15:34: Potter got hit by a bludger! Must take this moment to laugh inappropriately loudly and raucously. Feel a little sorry for him, though.

15:36: What's wrong with me?

September 27^th

09:23: Heard Lavender whispering to Parvati that I am a sex-god. I knew that already.

09:45: Wonder what I would look like in leather?

12:23: Leather much sexier than robes.

13:23: Sent Lavender a suggestive glance. She ran away. Probably to tell her anti-christ twin Parvati.

14:34: All quiet on the Crabbe and Goyle front.

15:12: Haven't seen Crabbe all day. I do hope he's not languishing somewhere.

15:13: Meh, let him languish. His lovelorn glances were beginning to irk me somewhat.

17:34: Traipsed down to hospital wing to find Crabbe. Did not find Crabbe, but did find Potter, who has a broken arm and a very bad mood.

19:56: Going to Hogsmeade. Crabbe and Goyle have disappeared. Can't work out if is a good thing or a bad thing.

20:34: Argh! Crabbe and Goyle are here! Together! Argh! Am leaving.

22:23: On way back, happened upon Potter, who seems to have made amazing recovery. He was drunk and couldn't get up off floor. Considered leaving him there, but helped him as far as main staircase. After that he became too...grabby. The Malfoy goods are slightly bruised as a result.

September 29^th

11:02: Blaise fancies Potter! Between her and Crabbe, am not sure which is worse!

12:23: Granger slapped me for "manhandling" Potter last night. If only she knew.

13:42: Not even a word of thanks for my troubles!

15:16: Pansy just asked if she could pet my snake. Was confused; do not have a snake, only an owl. Perhaps she confused me with someone else.

18:15: Found Crabbe! Thank Merlin he wasn't making a love-nest with Goyle.

September 30th

08:14: Am disturbed. Crabbe was eating sausage suggestively at breakfast whilst making eyes at Goyle. Will remind him that such behaviour should be confined to bedroom and bedroom alone.

09:37: Reminded him, but he didn't know what I was talking about. He just stared blankly at self for a few minutes before asking how to spell "Gregory" and "beautiful" for some kind of love letter.

10:01: The thought of Crabbe wooing Goyle is too horrible to contemplate. Instead will look at Little Black Book. Added Lavender in.

13:39: Potter was staring again all the way through lunch. I don't blame him; you can't take just one look at a Malfoy.

13:45: Quidditch Practice: Really enjoy shouting orders at team-mates. New Seeker is crap though. Love being all-powerful. Ho-hum.

14:36: Surprisingly, Goyle's broom really did get cleaned.

16:34: Just found Goyle dressing up in Blaise's clothes. Am scarred for life, especially as he has nicer legs than many of Slytherin girls.

18:19: Crabbe muttered something about helping Goyle guide his quaffle into Crabbe's goal before leaving common room. Trying not to think of it in other, more disgusting and disturbing ways.

20:56: Euuuuuuugh. Now where's that Witch Weekly?