Another Rung on the Ladder

Chapter Four

Imagine yourself in front of two doors with one guard each. One door leads to happiness and one to hell. One guard can only speak the truth and one can only lie. What should you ask of the guards to decide which door to choose?

"Oh!" Peter exclaimed, looking with pleasure down at his rat as it opened its mouth to squeak but no sound came out. "Finally I'm getting the hang of it!"

"It's all the wand movement," said Severus lazily, restoring the rat's voice again. "Your rat's kind of cute, by the way."

"Isn't she?" Peter beamed. "And she's really intelligent, too! Does all kinds of cool things, just yesterday she told me about how she..."

"Told you?" Severus frowned. Peter flushed, fidgeting nervously with his wand.

"Oh, not really, of course," he said quickly. "Anyway, I really like rats - always did. They don't live for long though." He looked regretfully down at his pet that was now cleaning herself, looking confused about all the Charms she had been subjected to that afternoon (all more or less successful). "I've had Tiny for just over a year. The last one I'd had since I was eleven, I was so sad when he died."

"Know how you feel. My cat died a couple of weeks ago, too," said Severus, remembering an old, grey creature that had simply gone to sleep one night and never woken up the next morning. Way to go, really...

"That's so sad!" Peter looked as if he was on the verge of crying, and Severus sat back in alarm.

"It's OK," he said quickly. "I wasn't very fond of him anyway. Bugger had been with me a long time, that was all." And he was the only thing Severus had brought with him when he left home. When he decided that whatever happened next, he'd be on his own and he'd manage. He had walked out of his house on the day he was to start Hogwarts, and he hadn't been back since. He stayed with a Housemate or with some obscure relative during the summer, at school the rest of the year. In just a year or two he would be able to stand completely on his own legs. He couldn't wait.

"Oh. OK. Hey Sev..." said Peter and he started again.

"What did you call me?"

Peter coloured. "Sev," he repeated reluctantly. "Just 'cos, you know, Severus is pretty long and all..."

"And it's a bloody stupid name," Severus filled in with a snort. "My last name isn't exactly great, either. I always hated my name - got me lots of oh-so-funny nicknames back in primary school."

"Like Snapey, you mean?"

"Snapey is nice compared to the things I was called." Severus smiled sardonically. "Severus Snake wasn't all that bad and I even got used to "ooh, you're so severe", but there was this really clever bugger who used to call me..." He stopped and flushed, and then muttered, "Snivellus. 'Cause I had a tendency to be a bit wet-nosed. Never really got over that one."

"Isn't it strange how much there is to tease a person about?" said Peter, almost dreamily. He was looking off into the distance, holding little Tiny in his cupped hands. "If you don't like a person, you can always find a reason to go at him. His hair," (Severus pulled self-consciously at his own, permanently greasy locks, then realized that Peter wasn't talking about him specifically) "his skin colour, his way of speaking, his name..." Peter looked down at his bitten fingernails. "His bad habits. His size. There are a million things that are so easy to point at, laugh at... I guess one of the reasons I feel so threatened by James and Sirius is that they, unlike the rest of us, don't really seem to have anything like that."

"Of course they do," Severus countered. "I can count some up for you if you want... alright, Black first. He has a first name that's just as stupid as my own - what's with our parents' generation anyway? You'd think they picked our names out of a dictionary... - at least once a week he falls over in class from weighing on his chair too much and he laughs like a dog, for crying out loud." Peter winced nervously at the last part, but Severus didn't notice. "Potter has a nose that's at least one size too large for him (alright, I probably shouldn't say anything, but still), he wears really ugly glasses, his hair looks like someone went over it with a vacuum cleaner in four different directions and he moons so much over Evans that even the Hufflepuff First Years know he wants her." He sneered and then went on, "The thing about them is, no one cares about those things. Because they have their faithful flock of sheep - sorry, I mean friends and admirers... slip of the tongue... - who would turn right onto anyone who said anything bad about them. That's why no one makes fun of them. If you want to be left alone," he finished dryly, "just get yourself lots of fans. Then you'll have no problems."

"It's not fair," muttered Peter.

"Life's not fair. Get used to it. Speaking of which..." Severus grinned. "If we're talking fair here, your new name is Pet."

"Pet!" Peter exclaimed, with indignation. "Where do you think I come from, the Magical Menagerie?"

"Pet is short for Peter, like Sev is for Severus," smirked Severus, and ducked a blow. He liked seeing Peter angry - it proved he was still alive. When he walked with his Gryffindor friends, he never showed anything but a desperate eagerness to please, but Severus had seen him sad, delighted, angry... seen the real Peter. "Fair's fair, isn't it? Alright, I was just kidding," he added as the other boy grouched. "Peter will do fine for me. You don't really have any nicknames, do you? No wait, what is it the Two Morons always call you... Wormtail? Why Wormtail?" He frowned in confusion. Peter grinned nervously, casting around for an explanation, but then Severus exclaimed, "Oh, I've got it! The rats, right?"

Peter just about fainted.

"Because you like rats so much, right?" Severus clarified, looking puzzled at the sudden heart attack imitation.

"Exactly," said Peter weakly.

"So anyway," Severus continued, noticing Peter's discomfort but not thinking it very important, "what are you doing this weekend? If you could get away from your funny friends I was thinking we could do something fun, go to Hogsmeade or something. They have a beginner's course in flying theory at the Three Broomsticks, and I mean flying is something we really can't learn from each other since we both suck. It could be fun to go there together. I haven't been in Hogsmeade for a while."

"Ah, sorry..." Peter bit his lip in regret. "This weekend's bad. Full moon, you know... we usually stay with Remus this time of the month, try to cheer him up a bit."

"OK." Severus shrugged. "Another time, maybe."

"It was nice of you to ask... sorry..."

"It's fine!" Severus laughed. "You have to stop feeling so guilty all the time. I understand you have to be with Lupin. Poor guy, really." He shook his head. "He's pretty OK, after all. I think I'd actually like him if he hung out with other people."

"Gee, thanks."

"I didn't mean you!" grinned Severus. "You know I didn't."

And Peter did know. And he congratulated himself on becoming such good friends with Severus - it had been much easier than he had expected. But at the same time, he felt something small and dark twist inside him.

He didn't recognize it, but it was guilt.

.........................................................

Peter was torn in two. He felt as if there were two people inside him, two who mostly worked together but who sometimes disagreed. This was one of those times, and what he had to know was which would lead him to happiness.

He had found a friend, in a place he would never have dreamt of looking. It was not what he had expected when he set out to make Severus Snape his friend. He felt happy; his one self was thinking that the world did not get better than this, when you had someone to share your thoughts and your dreams with. But his other self was telling him to shut his heart, to be ruthless if he wanted to survive. Nobody can make it alone, it was telling him. Two people who both are nobodies can't make it either - if anything, that is harder. To live in the dog eats dog world that was the school you needed power. And if you had no power of your own, you borrowed off others. Others who were strong. Others like James, and Sirius

Severus was a person twin to himself. He knew the agony of being alone and humiliated by those stronger. With him, Peter felt a calm he did not anywhere else. They were alike and equal, and Peter would have to look far to find another friend like him.

But Peter despised his own weakness more than anything else. If Severus was twin to that, too... it did not matter how good a friend he was, if he couldn't help Peter to reach higher.