Insanity is but a Word

Harry Potter, other characters and locations from the Harry Potter series belong to J.K Rowling not me. Other recognizable characters also do not belong to me, and I do not claim ownership of them. I'm just playing around in a world created by others.

"Speech"

"Thoughts"

"Parseltongue"

The Hogwarts grounds were beautiful at dawn. The darkness of the night still cloaked the landscape in silent glory, while the light spread and illuminated each magnificent feature one by one. The sky was a mosaic of purples and oranges, but none of it mattered to Harry Potter. Nothing mattered at the moment. He was so fed up, and Dumbledore's revelations were too much. He didn't care, couldn't care anymore. Couldn't Dumbledore see it? The Headmaster was supposed to be the wisest wizard of the age. "Is he really so blind?" Harry thought, as he walked out to the lake after hearing about the prophecy. "He must realize that I have nothing to live for. There's no reason for me to die trying to kill Snakeface."

Harry reached his destination, sat down leaning against a boulder that had long since been weathered smooth by winds out near the lake and stared out over the water as dawn broke. "Going back to the Dursleys might just kill me." He fingered the scars on his back as he idly wondered if there was any way he could avoid returning to his relatives. Logically, if he couldn't get away with it last year, then there was no reason he could this year. "Well if I'm going, I'm going to make them as mad as possible while doing it. There's no way in hell I'm staying there all summer. I'll have to talk to Dean about trading him some Galleons for pounds. I can think of a few things to buy that they'd never want to be associated with."

Sirius was gone, he was returning to his abusive relatives, Ginny's ankle was broken, Hermione was almost killed, Neville had a broken nose and a broken wand and only the gods knew exactly what had happened to Ron. "Siriu-No! I have to avoid thinking of him for now. I'll grieve when I can spare the time without being caught or preached at by Hermione or Dumbledore." Harry's already slumped form seemed to collapse into itself as his shoulders dropped even farther and he hung his head. He had let them all down, and now it turned out that he was in a predestined kill or be killed situation. Murder wasn't something that he had deeply contemplated before, but Harry thought he could manage it. "Especially in that bastard's case. He killed my parents, killed Cedric and, lured me to the Department of Mysteries, which lured Sirius and that got him killed." Voldemort deserved nothing less. His crimes were innumerable, his evil knew no bounds and he had personally caused Harry more anguish than anyone ever deserved. He would die a horrible death if Harry had anything to say about it.

Harry truly didn't care if he died anymore. He could see Sirius again. He could see his parents. The weight that the world had placed on his shoulders would be gone. There would be no obligation to be some twisted sort of savior. Hell, he might just off himself, if it weren't for the fact that he'd be damned if he'd let Voldemort live after everything the so-called Dark Lord had done to him. It was getting later and sunlight now streamed across the grounds. The shadows were still long, and every detail and crevice of the landscape was etched in color and shadow. "Besides, what do I really have to live for, anyway? I've never had anything to live for and I still have nothing to live for... Well, almost nothing," he thought as he saw Luna Lovegood's petite form walking across the grounds. The younger Ravenclaw always managed to put a smile on his face. She was a little more than a full head shorter than him and slight, which he found quite attractive as well as her hair, which while some called it stringy, he thought was beautiful. "Damn hormones. Stop looking at her like that, now's not the time." Luna was also brilliant. She was a little strange, but he didn't mind. They all were in one way or another. At the very least, he still had his friends. He raised a hand in greeting, and once he saw her answering smile and wave, he turned back to the lake.

Harry started sinking back into his thoughts, but was interrupted by the feeling of a gentle hug from someone on his right. Despite his history with physical contact, he couldn't even bring himself to react. Normally he would stiffen up and freeze, but he just didn't care enough right now. He didn't care that he was finally giving that physical trust to someone. He cared least of all that she might feel the scars through his clothes "Brooding will only get you so far," Luna said.

"I know. It's just... I can't not think about him, you know?" Harry responded without turning to look at Luna who was kneeling next to him. "I failed you all by running off to help Sirius without ever confirming if he was there. And now he's, he's..." Harry's voice dropped to a whisper, and then faded out.

"He's dead," Luna finished "but we're not. You're not." Luna shifted he hug to around Harry's neck and hugged tighter. "You have to accept that and move on. It's not as if you'll never see him again."

Harry turned into her hug and hugged the small witch back. It actually wasn't too unpleasant being held like this, despite what his instincts told him about getting close to someone, or giving someone the opportunity to find his secrets. "How did she know that that was what I was going to say?" "Isn't it though?" Harry asked. "He's dead. It's not as if I can contact him somehow."

Luna allowed herself a small smile as he hugged her back. It was good to see him reacting positively instead of trying to shut her out. "You heard them too. There were voices beyond the veil. They're not gone forever. We'll see them again in heaven, the Underworld, the next plane of existence, the afterlife, the next great adventure. Whatever you want to call it, we'll meet them there. Ghosts show us that there is existence after death so we'll see them again. When it's our time, we'll see them," she said with utter conviction, as she broke their hug and sat down next to him instead of kneeling there. She made sure that her left side was completely in contact with his right, from her foot up through her knee to her hip and their sides. Luna's shoulder rested on his chest, while she leaned into him with her head on the bottom of his collarbone, and her arm reached around his back to his far hip. She knew that she was being a little straightforward about his godfather and about the physical contact, but he needed it. He also needed someone to be close to him, and his friends couldn't be the ones to do it. They either nagged too much or played the typical male and didn't want to talk about how he felt.

"She's thought about this a lot. She must have also lost someone very important to her." Harry wrapped his arm around her shoulders and gave her a small squeeze before letting his arm hang over her shoulder and down her side. "Who was the one that you lost?" Harry asked, wondering if she would know what he was asking.

"My mother," she answered simply. "She was a brilliant witch and loved to experiment with spells. One day, the spell she was experimenting with went horribly wrong. I was only nine." Luna pressed herself into him a little more as she remembered that terrible day. "I still cry about it sometimes, but I also still have Dad."

"I'm sorry," Harry said, feeling bad that he ever asked. He reached across and drew her into another hug trying to offer the same comfort that she had given him. They both ended up comforting each other, while they remembered their loved ones.

"Don't be. You had nothing to do with it. Maybe it was just her time." She hugged Harry as hard as she could and buried her head in his shoulder.

"I still brought it up," Harry insisted as his hand began to trace small circles on her back. This situation was almost as awkward as Cho, except for the fact that Luna wasn't crying yet. Don't make yourself 2 for 2 with Ravenclaws crying all over you Potter. "I know I hate it when people bring up..."

Luna raised her head and looked sideways at Harry. She was surprisingly composed, but maybe that was just how she was. You never could be sure with Luna. She seemed to have her own emotional turmoil, but it was almost as if she was distracted by something more important. "And we return to the real problem," she whispered, and with those words took back control of the situation. "Grieving is fine Harry. It's necessary. You have to allow yourself to grieve, and then move on. You mentioned it being your fault. That's something that you have to let go of with your grief. Even if it was your fault, acknowledge that fact and move forward." Luna knew exactly what was going through his head, and she would do whatever she could to help him. Harry was just so damned stubborn sometimes.

"Maybe she's right. Let's face it, you have nothing to lose by taking her suggestions. Look at you, you're pathetic." Harry heaved a monstrous sigh, and to Luna's infinite surprise dropped his head to her shoulder, and desperately hugged her, grabbing for a lifeline. "Maybe you're right, Luna. It just hurts so much to think of him, when I know it was my fault."

For a few seconds, Luna couldn't even respond. Had Harry just accepted her advice that easily? He must really be run down. There was something she was missing. Something else must be contributing to his mental state, but it wasn't any of her business anyway. Between her surprise at his acceptance, the fact that Harry Potter had hugged someone for this long in the first place, and the fact that she was being almost crushed, Luna was stunned. "Air! Please don't kill me," she finally managed to squeak out with a laugh. Harry immediately blushed and drew back while Luna returned to her position next to him. As soon as he loosened up, she initiated eye contact and made sure he couldn't break it. "That guilt has to go Harry. It doesn't have to be done now, and the grieving will take time. Just promise me that you will do it properly. You're annoying when you're brooding like that."

A laugh tore itself out of Harry's throat before he could realize that he was laughing and stopped himself. "Only she could ever manage that." "I promise, Luna." Then, realizing what Luna of all people had just said, he let himself go and starting laughing harder than he had in ages. The laugh was only on the surface of his soul, and Harry had let go of his control. It was too late to take it back. That wonderful joy stayed on Harry's face for only a few seconds, before he was wracked with sobs.

She'd known this was coming, but Luna had still hoped that maybe the happiness would remain. His sorrow was greater than most people could comprehend. He needed this chance to let go of all that had been weighing him down. It had become worse recently, but Harry had gathered these emotions all his life and never gave himself the opportunity to release them. It was no wonder he was so uptight and moody. In a way, it reminded Luna of herself at one point in her life, and if she was right, the conversation would only get more interesting after he exhausted himself. She pushed Harry until he lay down so he would be more comfortable, while she lay down next to him and held him as he cried into her shoulder. Moving to such a position probably wouldn't even occur to someone else, but Luna didn't think by any standard that could be called "normal". The most she could offer him in the way of comfort was to stroke his arm and back, while cooing any soft reassurances that came to mind.

The exhaustion of Harry's anger, pain, torment and some of his grief would take a long time. He wept for it all. His past, his parents, Ginny's tormented first year, injuries his friends had sustained while trying to help him, Sirius' stay at Azkaban and death at the Ministry, Cedric and his future were all included. The thoughts that came to him in the night that he didn't want were all brought to the surface, and the emotions attached to those thoughts flowed through him. Those thoughts in the dark were one of the primary sources of brooding over the years. They were also involuntary.

How many would die to bring down that deranged psychopath? What tortures would Harry endure to bring him down? The Cruciatus was a common aspect of his dreams, as were all the memories and speculations from which he had never purged the strong and violent emotions. Then the thoughts led him to debates he couldn't solve. How many Death Eaters were victims of circumstance? How many were forced to serve because of who their family was or to save their own lives? It wasn't as if Voldemort would hesitate to kill any who offered anything less than total loyalty. How many of his supposed enemies didn't want to fight and wished their "Master" were dead? Was Dumbledore right, and they could be saved? How innocent were they, and if they were considered innocents, how many innocents would he kill? How many innocents would die in battles he caused, regardless of the moral debates of the Death Eaters' positions? Harry wept for it all. Most of all, he wept for the end of the world he thought he knew. He wept for the changes that were coming and the loss of any innocence he had left. That morning by the lake was easily the most cathartic experience of his life.

It was well past noon before any conscious thought entered Harry's mind, and that thought wasn't even a composed thought. It was just an overwhelming feeling. More specifically it was mix of two feelings: overwhelming thanks to the younger girl that seemed to understand him and gave him this opportunity and also a feeling of calm and determination that he had never felt before. Days had been spent thinking about all but those emotional incidents, except for the most recent. Finally letting go of his emotions allowed him to move beyond the experiences and devote himself to the future. "Thank the gods for Luna. If she ever needs a friend, I'll be there for her. Everyone else in the school has made their judgment, but how much of her do they really see? Luna may be odd and even a little crazy, but insane is pushing it and it's not as if she's psychotic. I'll stand by her forever."

All these thoughts were silenced by Harry's surprise when he finally looked around. "Oh fuck! It must be past midday. Everyone's going to be wondering where - Wait... Today's Saturday. We haven't missed any classes and people occasionally miss meals. I chose this spot because it's so secluded. No one will probably panic aside from Hermione, and no one will find us here. Wait, how did Luna find me here? Stupid question. Luna wanders wherever she wants."

Luna noticed as his tears and sobs began to cease. As he picked up his head and looked around, she said nothing. He would speak when he was ready. What she did do was offer him one of her most serene smiles, and pulled him back up into the sitting position they were in before.

"Her smile really is nice when she seems like she actually knows what's going on around her." Instead of saying anything, he just returned her smile with a shaky grin of his own. This situation would probably be incredibly awkward and embarrassing if it weren't for two things. The first of these was that he was emotionally exhausted at this point. That release had probably been the most emotional experience of his life. He wasn't used to letting himself fully experience any powerful painful feelings, let alone an amount of that volume. Feeling mild embarrassment was apparently beyond him at this point. The second and more important reason was that this was Luna. Luna understood, at least partially, what he was going through, and she wouldn't tell anyone who shouldn't know. She also wouldn't judge. Luna knew what is was like to be judged, and she would never do that to anyone. She just accepted people as who they were, whether they be a friend or an enemy. He didn't need to hold himself back around her, and she pushed him to let himself go more than he ever had before. "Thanks, Luna. For everything. I really needed that. It was so much effort to hold myself together all the time, because I could never break down in front of anybody. I spent all that effort trying to hold myself together, that I was hardly able to hold onto my sanity."

"Not only did you refuse to break down in front of anyone else, you refused to break down in front of yourself," Luna said with a small smile. "You wouldn't allow yourself to cry, probably because you thought it made you weak or feminine. Maybe it was because you were afraid of what you felt. Boys can be so stupid sometimes. All you're doing is hurting yourself. Don't bottle yourself up so much Harry. Accept yourself, emotions and all, stretch your wings and fly. Holding back so much of yourself can only be damaging to your interactions with everything around you. And what's wrong with insanity? It's not too bad. Trust me, I would know." No bitterness entered her voice. In fact, Luna seemed on the verge of giggling, but she rarely showed her emotions so Harry couldn't be sure.

Harry couldn't tell if she was doing some emotion retention of her own, but he wasn't going to stand for such labels to be applied to his friend, especially not after what she had just done for him. "You're not insane Luna," Harry said with a small amount of indignation. "And I'll hex anyone that says differently into oblivion." "You just believe some unusual things, and you might be a little bit odd. But aren't we all a little odd in our own way?"

It was too much for Luna. She collapsed onto Harry's chest in a fit of giggles. "I appreciate the thought Harry, I really do," Luna managed to say between her frequent burst of giggles. "But there's no need. I almost take it as a compliment at this point. What does insane really mean anyway? It's not as if they say I'm psychotic or dangerous."

All that Luna received in return was a puzzled stare. "What does she mean? No one wants be insane. If you're insane, you're not in your right mind. You're not rational. Right?" Harry's curiosity got the better of him. "What does it mean Luna?" As soon as he asked, Luna gave him a dazzling smile. Possibly the first smile he'd ever seen from her that came purely from her being happy. What was with Luna? This wasn't the absent-minded blond he thought he knew. Or was it?

"It means that I'm free," Luna said, while thanking every deity she could remember (and there were many) for the fact that Harry was being open-minded. "Because I speak about my belief of unusual things, I am deemed insane. Not because I believe those things. Many people believe unusual things, but because I freely speak of it, I'm called crazy. Someone that is psychopathic freely causes pain and suffering with no regard for others. Someone that does things others consider stupid and dangerous takes the freedom of doing what his or her heart desires." She said all this utterly calmly, and with almost no emotion. Luna almost seemed to be her normal self again, but she was lacking her distinctive dreaminess and almost looked nervous. The next idea would be the one that really decided the outcome of this discussion. It had been successful so far. Harry had finally learned to let himself go, but this idea would alter his actions forever if he accepted it. "I would think someone that has had as little freedom as you have had could use a little insanity." Harry's eyes shot wide open at that, but he didn't interrupt what Luna was saying. "It has the wonderful side effect of you never having to worry about what others think ever again." It almost sounded like a joke, but it made far too much sense for that.

"You have no idea how much I could use a little freedom," Harry responded wistfully. "I wonder what the manipulative old Headmaster would think of me cracking. It would be a fun stunt to pull if nothing else." "Speaking of crazy, and I mean this in the best possible way, you seem really different. You haven't mentioned creatures that I don't know about once, and you're much more focused than you usually seem." "Plus you're practically laying on me. And I must say it's a nice view." Harry shook his head to focus on the conversation and hoped Luna hadn't caught him staring. "That's Luna damn it. Our friend Luna. Get your hormones under control."

Luna squeezed the arm around Harry's waist and smiled to show there were no hard feelings over his question. "Like you said Harry, I believe in creatures no one can see and I'm a bit odd. That doesn't mean I don't know when to stop talking about creatures. Besides, I know pretty well what you're going through with your godfather. Ginny told me what she knew about the situation, and we're all here for you. And if it all becomes too much, remember: insanity is only a step way. You can seize freedom whenever you want," Luna said. As Harry's eyes refocused on hers, she winked at him. It could have been interpreted dozens of ways, but she decided that Harry was a little too noble to interpret it the way she meant. Oh well, it would be fun to tease Harry, but there were more important things to talk about at the moment. One little shot would have to be enough. "It'll allow you to get away from the situation for a while. If I can ever help distract you in any way, just let me know."

Harry almost collapsed in shock when Luna paired her wink with that last sentence. "There's no way she meant that the way I think she meant it. She must not realize what she said. It's Luna after all. The double meaning could easily be missed." "Wha - um, uh what're you, uh, doing over the summer Luna?" Harry managed to stammer out as his face endeavored to match the color of Ron's hair. Maybe he'd been wrong about being beyond embarrassment at the moment.

"Daddy and I are going on a trip to Sweden to see if we can find any Crumple-Horned Snorkacks," Luna said, giving no indication that she even noticed Harry's predicament. The poor wizard had honestly never stood a chance. "And what of you, Harry? Will you be returning to the monsters that gave you these?" Luna asked as she traced the scars that were scattered across Harry's back. The young man immediately tensed up, but Luna just burrowed farther under the arm around her shoulders and leaned into his chest.

"She found them. You knew she might and you didn't move. Now it's too late. How is this even surprising? If anyone can find something that most people miss or refuse to acknowledge, it's Luna." Harry let the tension drop out of his body. It was pointless anyway. She already knew. The urge to hide his scars was just deeply ingrained. Ever since that first beating that cut Harry's back with Uncle Vernon's belt buckle, almost every beating left a lasting impression. Some of the scars were only shallow lines, but others were raised and twisted scar tissue that stood out from his back. The lines seemed to be randomly scattered. There was no order to their placement, but that was worse, in a way, than if they were orderly. Cruelty with order can be anticipated and plans could be made to lessen the damage or pain. This kind of random cruelty couldn't be lessened. It was always a surprise, and it was always excruciatingly, mind-numbingly painful. He'd always made sure that no one saw the scars or found out about them, but now his secret was out. But did it really matter? Luna already knew almost everything else. She wouldn't tell anyone about his breakdown. Why would she tell anyone about this? No, he could trust Luna with this. He could trust her with anything. Harry pulled Luna closer so that she was almost sitting in his lap, and allowed her to continue tracing the scars on his back. "Yes. I'm going back just like I go back every summer. I'm not taking any of their idiocy this year. I've been training to fight for years. That training wasn't all magic. Maybe it's about time to stop hiding those skills. Maybe it's time for a little freedom. I'm going to need the training soon, anyway. The prophecy from the Department of Mysteries basically said that I'm the only one that can kill Voldemort, but either of us can win that fight. If I lose, he'll be unstoppable."

Luna just went with it, and moved up onto Harry's lap, which confused him even more. He wasn't a tall person, but Luna was small enough to still lay there comfortably with him. "Well, you'll just have to win then. It's not as if this is much of a change. He's always after you anyway. Even I could've told you that you'd have to kill him eventually," Luna said as if that were obvious. Her dreamy voice almost seemed to be coming back until she continued with a wicked smile. "Take the prophecy at face value, but don't let it rule you, Harry. Prophecies are famous for never being what they seem. You've always been an uptight person, but you really can't deal with all this tension. What you need is to relax. How did your friend Dean put it? Oh! You need to 'get laid,'" she said, looking at him with an expectant expression.

Harry's first instinct was to run, which he ruthlessly suppressed. Luna was sitting in his lap. Running would be utterly useless. He also denied his second and third instincts, which were to blush and stutter respectively. That was what Luna wanted, and besides, he did need to loosen up a little. Maybe he could even finally put Luna off-balance. "Well, if you're volunteering..." Harry responded.

His plan might have worked too. Harry just forgot one key fact: this wasn't some silly, giggling, blushing girl. This was Luna. The poor boy never stood a chance because of that fact. Luna just leaned onto his shoulder and turned so she could see him. Then she gave him a seductive smile and started to grind into his lap. As a straight breathing male not to mention a hormonal fifteen year-old, Harry could only react in one way. The fact that that reaction was currently jabbing into the rather fine arse of one of his best friends confirmed that he definitely wasn't beyond embarrassment. The concept that that was exactly what Luna was trying to achieve seemed to escape him. Despite the fact that he had started it, Luna decided to have pity on Harry. She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, and then threw her head back and laughed.

The most articulate thought that Harry could manage for a moment was "Huh?" Then the pieces fell into place. "You planned that! You knew exactly what you were doing the whole time," he said in a voice that was angry but playful. "I'll get you for that." He grabbed Luna by the hips before she could get away and immediately starting tickling her. That plan could have been thought out better. Luna's immediate reaction was to wriggle and grind even more into Harry's lap. It was too late to stop though, starting a plan is committing to a plan. He continued to tickle her mercilessly until she was red in the face and could barely breathe.

As soon as he let go, Luna jumped up and turned to face him with as much fake rage as she could manage to conjure up. Harry just responded with a repentant look and opened his arms. She really wanted to stay mad, but just couldn't hold onto the emotion. Luna gave it up as a lost cause, and hugged him. It really was amazing how everything a friend did could be forgiven with a hug.

Harry was experiencing the same revelation. It felt good to finally be able to hug someone without worrying about his scars. It felt good to not have to worry about any of his secrets when someone was around. It was liberating. Freedom was sweet. "If this is what I've been missing all this time, then insanity here I come. It feels so good to drop all the worrying for once. I can do whatever I want, and it feels good." They'd managed to waste away most of the day with their conversation, and the shadows were once again lengthening as the sun began to set. As much as he enjoyed sitting there with Luna, Harry was keenly aware that he hadn't eaten yet. "We should probably head for the Great Hall, Luna. I've already missed breakfast and lunch. If I don't put in an appearance for dinner, Dumbledore and the other professors might start jumping to conclusions."

"Probably," Luna said, bouncing to her feet, which oddly enough were bare. "But think of all the fun we could get up to, if we stayed out here instead." She grabbed Harry's hand and helped him stand up from his sitting position.

Harry just laughed at her not-so-subtle hint. "I think I'm afraid to think about that," he said, as they began to walk hand in hand towards the castle. "Hey Luna, do you mind if I send you letters this summer? I think it would be fun to keep in contact and stay friends through the summer." He'd thrown that last part in there as a way to reassure Luna. She always seemed to not realize that everyone from the Ministry trip really did think of her as a friend. There was that, and it never did hurt to have a friend biased in your favor with whom you could talk. The fact that Luna was a little crazy and he probably soon would be too just made it better.

As soon as he said the word "friends", Luna's face lit up with that happy smile again. "I'd like that, Harry," she said, as they walked up to the school doors. "And after the Ministry incident, Dumbledore decided that everyone involved should stay at your godfather's house in August." Harry was stunned. And that was putting it mildly. He stopped walking and just stared with his mouth hanging open. "All five of them are going to be at Grimmauld Place? That's going to be amazing, but it almost seems wrong to look forward to summer in that house without Sirius."

The thoughts that were warring inside Harry were clearly visible on his face, but Luna said nothing as she pulled Harry into through the doors. It would be better if he was left to his thoughts, instead of another discussion right now. As they entered the Great Hall, Harry realized they were still holding hands. "Remember to grieve, but allow it to pass, Harry," Luna said while turning to face him. All the students were staring at them, but that was nothing new for either of them. "You can still be at the house without having to mourn. And when you've finally gotten rid of your wrackspurts, you'll be able to enjoy the time with your friends so much more." The last part was delivered in Luna's normal dreamy voice, as they walked close enough for others to hear.

"Thanks for everything Luna," Harry whispered so no one else would overhear. "You've done more than I could've ever asked for." The day had been full of surprises, and Luna had been the source of every good one. Harry knew he had a lot to think about so he was planning a quick dinner and an early night so he could think about everything that Luna had mentioned. He had more grief to deal with, more plans to lay and his own blooming insanity to ponder. It shouldn't be too hard to drive himself crazy when he was going back to the Dursleys again.

However, the surprises for the day weren't finished yet. As he turned to walk away, Luna stood up on her toes and gave him a kiss on the cheek before walking toward the Ravenclaws with a smile on her face. Harry just stood and watched her go. "I'm definitely going to have to talk to her more before the end of term." As he headed toward the Gryffindor table, it occurred to him that everyone was still staring. Luna had some of the attention, but the vast majority of the students were looking directly at him. Determined to ignore them, he sat down across from Ginny and Neville. Ron and Hermione were still in the Hospital Wing, but Madame Pomphrey had healed the broken bones in a few minutes, and then dismissed Ginny and Neville.

Speaking of Ginny and Neville, they were currently alternating between staring at him and casting each other knowing glances. "What?" Harry snapped, finally fed up with their staring as the comfortable buzz of conversation once again filled the hall.

Neville decided he'd be the one to ask. "We , uh... We were, uh, we were just-"

"Are you going out with Luna?" Ginny asked when Neville started stammering. She seemed flustered, and unless Harry was reading this completely wrong, she was also a little jealous. "And the crush from Hades returns."

"No," Harry responded in a tone that he hoped make it clear that he really meant no. "Why would you think that?"

"Well, you did miss two meals today," Neville said, hoping that this wouldn't start an argument. "And then you and Luna walk into the Hall together holding hands. Plus Luna kissed you-"

"On the cheek!" Harry objected, while desperately trying to keep his voice down. This was absolutely ludicrous.

Neville just held up his hand to stall the complaints. "But the fact remains that she kissed you," he continued. "And Luna almost never shows any affection. To anyone. Ever. Add to that the fact that you're looking happier than you should be instead of sulking considering what happened last night. Look at it from our point of view." The reasoning was delivered with an almost apologetic shrug, but Ginny looked almost murderous. "Yep. The crush is back. She really needs to figure out that I'm not interested in her."

"Fine," Harry said, but still kept his voice low. "I can accept what it looks like, but that's not what happened. Luna was just helping me deal with my godfather's death. It took a while, but we just sat and talked. We're friends. Just like I'm friends with you guys. I have a lot to think about, so I'm going to eat and then call it an early night." He started to load his plate. Ginny and Neville just stared skeptically, but didn't say anything.

Harry ate as quickly as he could and almost fled the Hall he was moving so fast. He didn't leave quickly enough to avoid Ginny mumbling to Neville that Luna seemed to be the only friend that could bring Harry out of a sulk so quickly. He made his way to the Gryffindor common room using all the secret passages that would help him avoid people. It was a little slower, but it gave him privacy and some time to think. "Maybe she does have a special place in my mind, but she's still a friend. Not more. She is special though, and will always be special to me, if for no other reason than what she did for me today."

Harry made it to the common room without seeing anyone except for a close call with Peeves on a fourth floor stairwell. As soon as he was through the Fat Lady's portrait, Harry ran up to his dorm, changed and closed the curtains around his bed. Silence was a skill he'd learned early in his life with the Dursleys. No one would hear him that night, despite his grief. Harry suffered long into the night remembering the good times with Sirius, the loss of Sirius and all the other people that Voldemort had torn from him or injured. When Neville, Dean and Seamus came in for the night, Harry made sure that not a sound passed through the curtains. A few times, he almost broke down completely, but he kept control of himself. The guys in his dorm couldn't know what he was doing. Memories of Luna holding him saved him those times. If he couldn't have the real thing, then a memory was the next best thing. Thinking of Luna just brought up the subject of her philosophy. It was hours before he found peace, but in the dark of the night after the moon had set, Harry dropped into sleep knowing two things: he would never again give anything to Voldemort without exacting a price in blood and maybe insanity could give him the freedom to do that.